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Young Writers Society


6200 ch. 3



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Gender: Female
Points: 240
Reviews: 98
Fri Nov 05, 2010 2:45 am
FLyerS says...



Three






“The house is a time machine?” It didn’t seem too crazy, mostly because I had accepted it as a spaceship.
“Yes,” She seemed satisfied that I had grasped it. “ Do you want to go home?”
I was startled. “Oh, well I guess ...” I hadn’t really thought about going back after I realized I had nothing to go back to.
She sighed “key word, ‘want.’ Used in the sentence ‘do you want to go back.’ You do not have to go. the situation is not that I have anyone else to speak with.”
I smiled “Its not like I have anybody else to talk to either.”
“True.” She considered this. “Also, you will need some help with the scaring. They go deeper than the skin... They make you more intelligent as an example.”
“Yeah right.”
“What is 78 times 193?” Benny said.
Of course I don’t know that. Nobody can do that kind of math in their - “Fourteen thousand four hundred seventy-five”
“Yes, that is correct.” She looked smug. “Also, there is trouble with nerve damage, random pain flashes around the scarred areas. Enhanced reflexes, and apathy.”
“So that’s why you’re so...” I waved my hand in front of my face. She ignored me.
“If you want to go home, or somewhere else, I will gladly take you.”
“Go home? Yeah right! let’s see, save the world, go live in foster care.” I weighed the options in my hands.
“Maybe the symptoms are different for you. You seem fairly energetic.” Benny cocked her head, “Or maybe I am the unnatural one.”
“No comment.” I’d seen the way she handled a gun. I wasn’t going to get on the wrong side of her.
“We need to go on a mission soon, we need different clothing, and we are running out of food.” I liked that she said ‘we’ like we were a team. I didn’t like her next comment though, “I will have to teach you how to fire a weapon.”
“I know how to handle a gun! I’ve done it millions of times.” Frankly I was insulted.
She shook her head. “My Hawk would not be invented for several centuries after your time.”
“Oh...” I obviously didn’t know how to handle a gun.
✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦✦
She was extremely inexperienced regarding my weapon. When I first relinquished my Hawk, she inquired to the location of the trigger. I originally thought it was a miss-placed joke. Triggers were so inefficient. They hadn’t made any guns with triggers since the 3000s. My Hawk aimed and shot by telepathic commands. The idea of it having a trigger was insulting.
After she became used to firing it, she asked how many rounds it shot. When I blinked at her she said ‘you know, how many bullets at a time.’ Bullets! It was astounding! My Hawk fired lazar charges. Then she asked how often it needed to be charged! My ego (and that of my Hawk) was bruised. As if I would ever own a firearm that didn’t have at least two nuclear batteries!
“Alice. The only maintenance my gun ever needs is to wipe the blood off it after a point blank shot.” I said the words slowly so that she could understand.
“O.K. No need to get uptight about it.” She rolled her eyes. “Sheesh”
I pinched the bridge of my nose.
“Sorry, now I know though, I’ll never ask stupid questions about your gun again”
“OK. Now you know how to use it. Time to go shopping.”
Those who dance are thought insane by those who don't hear the music.
Those who fit well into their world don't generally go about changing it.
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 463
Fri Feb 25, 2011 10:22 pm
megsug says...



Hey Flyer,
This is a review for the review you gave me. I'm afraid, I haven't read anything else of the novel, but this is pretty good.

Three


The space here is huge. I would make it smaller.



She sighed “key word, ‘want.’ Used in the sentence ‘do you want to go back.’
I'm not sure if you mean, "she sighed" as in a heavy breath or if you mean she sighed the words. Either way, you need punctuation after sighed. A comma or period would do. Key needs to be capitalized even with the comma.
I liked the sarcasm here.


You do not have to go.
This is wooden. If you make "do not" a contraction, it will sound better.

the situation is not that I have anyone else to speak with.”
For one, the needs to be capitalized. For two, this sentence makes no sense. Maybe, "As it is, the situation is that I don't have anyone else to speak with" if I understand what you're trying to say.

I smiled
Period.

“Its not like I have anybody else to talk to either.”
Its in this format is actually it's. Its makes it possesive. It's means it is.

“Yeah right.”
Comma after yeah.

“What is 78 times 193?” Benny said.
Write out both of these numbers.

“Also, there is trouble with nerve damage, random pain flashes around the scarred areas. Enhanced reflexes, and apathy.”
The first sentence is talking about negatives and the last about positives. Since you were talking about a positive beforet this, I would put the positives frist.

I originally thought it was a miss-placed joke.
misplaced


The idea of it having a trigger was insulting.
How so?

When I blinked at her she said ‘you know, how many bullets at a time.’
Comma after her.

My ego (and that of my Hawk) was bruised.
Why Benny's ego?

“Sorry, now I know though, I’ll never ask stupid questions about your gun again”
Period after again.


This was very interesting. If you need more reviews, ask me, and I would review some more.
Megsug
Test
  








That smells like the inside of a tropical rainforest.
— Yoshikrab's friend