Chapter 3-Still
Karina tried to get the lifeless lips to latch on- she hadn't realised yet. The corpse’s hands hung down by its little scarlet body, swinging back and forward. I picked them up and placed them on its chest. I was still too shocked for the grief to hit-although I knew it would come. My throat was dried up. I couldn't speak- why should I want I speak? Five minutes ago I hated this small thing, thought that I didn’t even want it!
But looking at it now- that tiny, fragile body- despair constricted my throat and tears flooded my eyes. I was a mess. I couldn't tell Karina that our baby was... I didn't even want to believe it myself. And I knew I wouldn't be able to face her acknowledgement- blankness. She won’t care about the tiny corpse which she held in her arms. She won’t care about the possible future which the birth of our child held.
She won’t care.
She can’t help it, she can’t help it, she can’t help it, I chant inside my head, to try and stop the resentment I felt towards Karina at that moment.
But it didn't help.
Then suddenly the moment of understanding came. Karina looked up blankly and turned around towards the kitchen.
And dropped the baby.
I don't know why I acted so strongly, and my next action was truly unforgivable, but the next moment Karina was on the floor and I was cradling the corpse, stroking it and kissing it. Karina rolled onto her side, clutching her stomach, where I had punched her. I was barely taking notice of her though; I was too busy wiping away my tears off the body. I walked to the bathroom, still cradling the bloody thing.
When I was in there, I could still hear Karina agony-filled groans, but when I started to run the bath, they were soon drowned out by the running water. It splashed about, slowly filling up the bath. I tested the water regularly, not too hot, not too cold.
When, the bath was half full, I turned off the water, and knelt down at the end of it. I placed my hand underneath the body's head, and the other under the small of its back. Was that right? I choked. It didn't matter. I was playing games with myself, making myself believe. Anything to keep the grief away.
I dipped the legs underneath the water, and it slowly washed off the drying blood. I noticed it was a boy. My little baby boy. Moving one hand to hold the whole body, I sloshed it over the corpse, but carefully keeping the head propped up. I hadn't looked at the face yet. I was afraid of what I might see.
A pale, dead looking face? I shuddered. Or would it be worse to see a plump, pink little face which only looked like it was sleeping? I gulped and closed my eyes, but my hand kept the water rhythmically washing Karina's blood off the little creature. I knew I had to let go. I had to let go. So I did. I dropped the corpse into the water, my eyes still closed, and heard a splash.
I didn't know what I was suspecting. A tidal wave of grief and pain washing over me? Or maybe a weight lifted off my shoulders. I didn't know what I was suspecting, but I did know it wasn't that.
I heard a gurgle.
I heard a splash.
I heard a whine.
I was just about to open my eyes, then I realized- what if it was just my imagination? But the baby noises carried on, and they sounded so there. It had to be real.
I could feel a physical lump in my throat. What was happening to me? Was I going mad? My baby was dead, I knew it, and I had faced it.
Then, screams filled the air. At first, I had no idea what it was. It didn't sound like Karina, and it couldn't be anyway, she was in the living room. Everyone else in the block would be asleep. Then the crying went into splutters and I realised what it was. It was my baby!
Now I was convinced. My eyes opened and at first all I saw was little pinpricks of flashing lights for having my eyes closed for so long. When this cleared, my mouth opened and my eyes widened.
There was a crying, spluttering tiny baby. Instantly, I picked it up. It coughed and water fountains out of its mouth. It’s started to cry, a whining, loud sound which pierced my heart. Instantly I wanted to do anything for it. Anything at all. I turned its body towards my chest and patted its back. I stroked its back and murmured soft words to it, an eventually the crying died down, and a gurgling took its place. I let its wriggling little body, fall back into the palm of my hand, and looked at my new baby- my son.
His perfect little body. Perfect hands, perfect feet, perfect face... and those beautiful eyes. So big and blue, staring at me with wonder. How could I produce something so amazing?
Then I remembered I hadn't. I wasn't just me- it was a joint effort. The - now second- most important person in my world- whom I had just left sprawled on the floor, after punching her in the stomach.
This thought made me grab my child and rush out the steamy bathroom. I sped through the corridor and into the living room.
Karina was now sitting on the sofa, with her legs tucked up to her heaving chest. Her face was hidden from my view, tucked into her knees.
"Karina" I called softly, but also cautiously. I didn’t know how she would react to me. Would she consider me as an enemy now? Even after all these months together? The emotionless people of this world still had basic survival instincts, to eat when hungry, to sleep when tired, and to attack those which are dangerous.
Karina's head slowly lifted up. She stared at me blankly, inside determining whether I would hurt her again, or not.
"Karina, look" I said, holding up our baby to show her, “Our son..." the miracle choked in my throat "...he's alive!" All of my life’s possibilities as a father came flooding back to me, supporting our son's first step, encouraging his first word.
Karina stared at me, and once again in her eyes all I could see was deep black void. Her gaze turned to the squirming body in my arms. Why didn’t she pick him up? I became frustrated. I wanted to thrust the little body into her and make her see. But I was too aware of the fragility of my new-born child.
I walked slowly to sit down beside Karina, cradling my son. As I sat down, I realised Karina was staring at our wriggling child. It had its little arms stretched out and was letting out little whimpering sounds. They pierced my heart. Why didn’t she take him? Couldn’t she see how blessed we were with this child, and that he wanted her to care of him?
But she didn’t take him. He continued to stretch out his arms towards her. I felt a pang of jealousy. Why want her when she can never want you?
Of course, this is exactly what the case is between me and Karina.
Suddenly, Karina looked at me and stated "It’s dead". Flashes of limp, pale bodies sprang into my mind. My heart tightened.
"No, he’s not" I gasped.
" Yes, it is. There's no pulse" She wasn’t sad, she didn’t care for the words she was saying... the truth? I glanced at the baby in my arms. His blue eyes stared up at me, and blinked. His cheeks were a healthy pink-he was definitely alive!
"Look, Karina, he wants you" I pleaded with her, pushing our child towards her.
"What’s want?" she asked me, blankly. I stuttered for a few seconds, but I knew I couldn't explain what 'want' was to her.
She didn't understand how I could have revived our son. I suppose it was an astounding miracle...
Karina got up and walked into the kitchen, leaving her son, Isaac, crying in my lap.
Gender:
Points: 1131
Reviews: 36