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Outcasts Prologue And Chapter One



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Wed Jan 19, 2011 1:24 am
Teardrop says...



Hey! I started this a while ago, and decided I might as well post this in hope of some reviews so it isn't so crappy. Anyway, I hope you like it, and thanks for reading! ( I know this is pretty short, I know, I'll try and extend this soon )



Outcasts

Prologue

They almost killed us all; the government did. Before they could, a long time ago, my ancestors put a stop to it. We were different, but we couldn't help it. From vampires to pixies, from centaurs to werewolves like me, we just wanted to have a normal life. But the humans were defiant, they despised us. They killed us, punished us, until one day one man stood up to them. One werewolf. My great great grandpa. Eventually the U.S. Government said we were aloud to live in peace.

That brought the asylum. A jail, for our kind of different creatures. Taking in any misbehaving creatures happily. I never thought I would be one.

- - -

“ Jason mauled my son!” Mrs. Anderson interrupted furiously. The judge slammed his mallet. The jury still whispered in a discussion.

“ Mrs. Anderson, ma'am, please settle down.” The judge looked at her, as if he was fed up with her constant breakouts. “Now, please, Mr. Swain would like to speak.”

Heads swiveled my way, and I took a deep breath. If I couldn't convince the jury that it was out of self defense, I would be in the asylum for the rest of my life. This was my only chance to make this right.

“I regret what I did to Kevin, Mrs. Anderson. But it was only because he was being a jerk,” I said vaguely.

“ Please explain, Mr. Swain,” the judge murmured.

“I was in school, and prom was coming up. I didn't know they were dating. I didn't know Sarah was going with Kevin.” I blushed, but continued, it had to be said. “I asked Sarah if she'd go with me. She told me she was already going with Kevin. I started to walk away, but Kevin stopped me.”

“Where you and Kevin friends?” The judge asked, interrupting.

I shook my head honestly, “ I never knew him very well.”

“Go on, Mr. Swain.”

“ He asked my why I was talking to his girlfriend. Sarah said it was fine, and to let it go. But Kevin thought differently. I told him the truth. We got in a fight. He told me to meet him outside after school. He didn't know I was a- a wolf.”

I hung my head in shame, then took a deep breath and counted to three, “ We went outside. He threw a punch at my face. I got angry, and not purposely, I turned into a werewolf. He screamed, then called me a monster, freak, and a- well a lot of other things. I couldn't control my anger, and...” I trailed off, and looked into the judge's eyes.

Those hateful brown eyes, despising me because I was different. It wasn't like I could help being a werewolf. Everybody acted like they didn't want to be in the same room with me, that I would give them a-a social disease. I didn't understand why the mortals hated us so much.

Then, he turned to the jury. The citizen on the end stood, cleared his throat, eyed me nervously, then concluded the trial.

“ The jury finds the defendant... guilty.”



Chapter One

Burdened with the chains that held my hands together, I was pushed into a cell. I rubbed my wrists, which were already becoming raw and bloody. I desperately clung to the door, already closed. The human man snickered, obviously amused by my struggle, and he took off up the stairs.

I cursed under my breath, sentenced to a life in the penitentiary. I had been warned, if I tried anything, I would be bumped to the top of the list of crazies on death row. An almost silent weeping came from the corner. I squinted, trying to allow my eyes to adjust to the darkness. I could just make out the silhouette of a thirteen year old girl.

A light flickered from the ceiling outside my cell, and allowed me to see the girl. She had shoulder length brown hair that looked as if it hadn't been brushed in a year. She had on a torn orange and white sun dress, her face was in her hands. She lifted up her face to look at me.

I knelt down on the cold, hard floor in front of her. I looked into those tear stained, brown eyes. She back handed a stray tear from her rose-red cheek.

“Hi, I'm Jason.” I held out my hand towards her as a friendly gesture, a strive for a friend, somebody to talk to in this dark and lonely place.

She looked at my hand, then my face, then she placed her hand in mine and continued to weep.

“Um, what's your name?” I tried desperately to get the pixie to talk to me, her wings beat softly, though they were useless, battered and torn.

She took a deep breath, then ran her fingers threw her thick hair. “ Elsie.”

“Cool name,” I attempted to brighten her day, though she murmured a thank you and stood up. Her knees were bloody, the skin raw, and her hands were not held by cuffs, like mine, but the skin was still bloody. They must take the cuffs off after a while.

“Why are you in here,” Elsie murmured softly. I was afraid to answer at first, thinking that she might be scared of me, and not want anything to do with me, but I couldn't lie, so I told her the lousy truth.

“ I attacked a guy at my school. I'm a werewolf,” I explained to her quietly. She nodded, not seeming the least bit surprised which almost made me a bit intimidated, but I shook it off.

“What about you?” I asked her. She started crying again. “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, it's okay. I understand.”

Elsie shook her head roughly, “ I was framed,” she hissed furiously. I squinted my eyes.

“For what?”

“ Abuse of a unicorn, my brother's a troll, literally. And I had a unicorn, in our barn, I found her in the woods and I brought her in. My brother found her one night, realize he hated them, and he beat her, unfortunately, he said I did it. Because he just was too selfish to take the punishment.”

“That's not good,” I said. She chucked at first, then started crying. Not sure of what else to do, I put my arm around her shoulder.

“ It's all going to be okay,” I lied, probably. The tears stopped, and she looked up into my eyes innocently.

“You promise?”

“ Of course.”
And are the doctors dancing in, while the ambulances sing. Another boy without a sharper knife. The moment, that's where I kill the conversation, wrap this up with a knife that loves to feel. How do you know how deep to go before it's real?
- Yeah Boy And Doll Face ~ Pierce The Veil
  





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Wed Jan 19, 2011 2:09 am
Kafkaescence says...



Teardrop wrote:Hey! I started this a while ago, and decided I might as well post this in hope of some reviews so it isn't so crappy. Anyway, I hope you like it, and thanks for reading! ( I know this is pretty short, I know, I'll try and extend this soon )



Outcasts

Prologue

They almost killed us all, the government. Before they could, a long time ago, my ancestors put a stop to it. We were different, but we couldn't help it. From vampires to pixies, from centaurs to werewolves like me, we just wanted to have a normal life. But the humans were defiant, they despised us. They killed us, punished us, until one day a man stood up to them "Men" are different from werewolves, so I would use a different word.. One werewolf. My great great grandpa. Eventually the U.S. Government said we were allowed to live in peace.

That brought the asylum. A jail, for our kind of different creatures. Happily taking in any misbehaving creatures. I never thought I would be one.

- - -

“ Jason mauled my son!” Mrs. Anderson interrupted furiously. The judge slammed his mallet. The jury still whispered in a discussion.

“ Mrs. Anderson, ma'am, please settle down.” The judge looked at her, as if he was fed up with her constant breakouts. “Now, please, Mr. Swain would like to speak.”

Heads swiveled my way, and I took a deep breath. If I couldn't convince the jury that it was out of self defense, I would be in the asylum for the rest of my life. This was my only chance to make this right.

“I regret what I did to Kevin, Mrs. Anderson. But it was only because he was being a jerk,” I said vaguely. Personally, I don't feel too much sympathy for the main character right now. If he was smart, he would definitely not use the word "jerk" in a case that was so vital.

“ Please explain, Mr. Swain,” the judge prompted.

“I was in school, and prom was coming up. I didn't know they were dating. I didn't know Sarah was going with Kevin.” I blushed, but continued. It had to be said. “I asked Sarah if she'd go with me. She told me she was already going with Kevin. I started to walk away, but Kevin stopped me.”

“Where you and Kevin friends?” The judge asked, interrupting.

I shook my head honestly, “ I never knew him very well.”

“Go on, Mr. Swain.”

“ He asked my why I was talking to his girlfriend. Sarah said it was fine, and to let it go. But Kevin thought differently. I told him the truth. We got in a fight. He told me to meet him outside after school. He didn't know I was a- a wolf.”

I hung my head in shame, then took a deep breath and counted to three, “ We went outside. He threw a punch at my face. I got angry, and not purposely, I turned into a werewolf. He screamed, then called me a monster, freak, and a- well a lot of other things. I couldn't control my anger, and...” I trailed off, and looked into the judge's eyes.
Combine these two paragraphs.
Those hateful brown eyes, despising me because I was different. It wasn't like I could help being a werewolf. Everybody acted like they didn't want to be in the same room with me, that I would give them a [social disease] A "social disease?" Sorry, Ive never heard of anything like that. How about simply a disease?. I didn't understand why the mortals Calling the humans mortals implies that werewolves are immortal. If they are not, use a different word.hated us so much.

Then he turned to the jury. The citizen on the end stood, cleared his throat, eyed me nervously, then concluded the trial.

“ The jury finds the defendant... guilty.”



Chapter One

Burdened with the chains that held my hands together, I was pushed into a cell. I rubbed my wrists, which were already becoming raw and bloody. I desperately clung to the door, already You just used the word "already." closed. The human man snickered, obviously amused by my struggle, and he took off up the stairs.

I cursed under my breath. I had been sentenced to a life in the penitentiary. I had been warned that if I tried anything, I would be bumped to the top of the list of crazies on death row. An almost silent weeping came from the corner. I squinted, trying to allow my eyes to adjust to the darkness. I could just make out the silhouette of a thirteen How does he know how old she is? Sound more ambiguous: teenage, perhaps? year old girl.

A light flickered from the ceiling outside my cell, and allowed me to see the girl. She had shoulder-length brown hair that looked as if it hadn't been brushed in a year. She had on a torn orange and white sun dress, and her face was in her hands. She looked at me.

I knelt down on the cold, hard floor in front of her. I looked into those tear stained, brown eyes. She back-handed a stray tear from her cheek.

“Hi, I'm Jason.” I held out my hand towards her as a friendly gesture, a strive for a friend, somebody to talk to in this dark and lonely place.

She looked at my hand, then my face, then she placed her hand in mine and continued to weep.

“Um, what's your name?” I tried desperately to get the pixie to talk to me. Her wings beat softly, though they were useless, battered and torn.

She took a deep breath, then ran her fingers threw her thick hair. “ Elsie.”

“Cool name,” I attempted to brighten her day, though she murmured a thank you and stood up. Her knees were bloody, the skin raw, and her hands were not held by cuffs, like mine, but the skin was still bloody. They must take the cuffs off after a while.

“Why are you in here?” Elsie asked softly. I was afraid to answer at first, thinking that she might be scared of me, and not want anything to do with me, but I couldn't lie, so I told her the lousy truth.

“ I attacked a guy at my school. I'm a werewolf,” I explained to her quietly. She nodded, not seeming the least bit surprised, which almost made me a bit intimidated, but I shook it off.

“What about you?” I asked her. She started crying again. “You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, it's okay. I understand.”

Elsie shook her head roughly, “ I was framed,” she hissed furiously. I squinted my eyes.

“For what?”

“ Abuse of a unicorn. My brother's a troll. Okay, that's a little weird. Can a pixie have troll brother? That's hard to believe. Maybe the troll could be a neighbor or something....And I had a unicorn, in our barn. I found her in the woods and I brought her in. My brother found her one night, realize he hated them, and he beat her. Unfortunately, he said I did it. Because he just was too selfish to take the punishment.”

“That's not good,” I said. She chuckled at first, then started crying. Not sure of what else to do, I put my arm around her shoulder.

“ It's all going to be okay,” I lied. The tears stopped, and she looked up into my eyes innocently.

“You promise?”

“ Of course.”


Wow, this is an interesting piece. You have a unique take on the classic fantasy "humanity versus sprites." Hope you found this review helpful. Please contact me when the next installment is released, because I would love to read it.
#TNT

WRFF
  





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Wed Jan 19, 2011 2:12 am
Baywolf says...



Hello Teardrop!

This is a nice little beginning to a story you have here. *pats story* I like the theme of "mystical beings" as a general rule, so I was grabbed from the beginning. I also like how you've decided to tell the story from a first person point of view. In this type of story, we don't usually hear things from the "bad guys" point of view and where werewolves, vampires, etc. are concerned, we don't often read about them being in prison. So that was a neat twist.

There were a few grammatical errors and I will list them for you so you can go back and fix 'em. :)

Eventually the U.S. Government said we were aloud to live in peace.
This should be "allowed."

self-defense
You need a hyphen in self-defense.

being a jerk,” I said vaguely
I don't know if "vaguely" is the right word for the situation. He's actually being quite precise about why he attacked the guy. You might just want to cut it all-together. It isn't really necessary to describe how something is said all of the time. :)

Where you and Kevin friends?”
Should be "were."

I had been warned, if I tried anything, I would be bumped to the top of the list of crazies on death row.
That selection is just oddly put together. Try "I had been warned that if I tried anything I would be..."

She back handed a stray tear from her rose-red cheek.
This made me laugh. I pictured her slapping that tear like it had done her wrong. Take that! You might want to consider rewording this. Just an idea.

“Why are you in here,” Elsie murmured softly.
Needs to be a question mark (?) and by definition a murmur is soft. so saying "murmured softly" is kind of redundant. You could replace "murmured" with "asked" or just get rid of "softly."
Although I would get rid of "murmured" since you already used it in the paragraph before.


Elsie shook her head roughly, “ I was framed,” she hissed furiously. I squinted my eyes.
Comma should be a period. The orange words should be a new paragraph.

“ Abuse of a unicorn, my brother's a troll, literally. And I had a unicorn, in our barn, I found her in the woods and I brought her in. My brother found her one night, realize he hated them, and he beat her, unfortunately, he said I did it. Because he just was too selfish to take the punishment.”

Oookay...so with this little piece of dialogue, I have many issues. *cracks knuckles* Here I go. I'm just going to go sentence by run-on sentence if that's alright with you. "Abuse of a unicorn. My brother's a troll--literally. I found a unicorn in the woods one day and decided to keep her in our barn, but one night my brother found her. He realized all of a sudden that he hated unicorns and then he beat her. Unfortunately, he said I did it and all because he was just too selfish to take the punishment." That is my "fixed-up" version of what you wrote. You had the bare bones of some dialogue, but you just needed to connect them in a better way than just commas and thus creating run-on sentences.

She chucked at first, then started crying. Not sure of what else to do, I put my arm around her shoulder.
The yellow should be a new paragraph and the same for the purple. Both should be separate from each other. That's what you do when another person's actions are described. "Chucked" should be "chuckled". You just forgot the 'l'. :)
Okay, so this may seem like a lot of nitpicks, and it very well may be a lot, but it's for the good of your story. I want it to succeed. I think with some work that it can. You just have to be careful to avoid run-on sentences and such. If you have any questions about anything I've said, please feel free to PM me or leave a message on my Wall. And if you want me to come back and review more of what you've posted, the same applies. I'd be more than happy to oblige. Just remember: Let your inner creative beast out, and your stories will thank you.

Happy Writing!
Bailey
After all, it is the pen that gives power to the mythical sword.

"For an Assistant Pig-Keeper, I think you're quite remarkable." Eilonwy

"You also shall be Psyche."

"My only regret
all the Butterflies
that I have killed with my car" Martin Lanaux
  





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Wed Jan 19, 2011 9:24 pm
Teardrop says...



Thanks to both of you, I'll try and edit this soon. :)
And are the doctors dancing in, while the ambulances sing. Another boy without a sharper knife. The moment, that's where I kill the conversation, wrap this up with a knife that loves to feel. How do you know how deep to go before it's real?
- Yeah Boy And Doll Face ~ Pierce The Veil
  








"Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down. I walk through your dreams and invent the future."
— Richard Siken