Young Writers Society

There was no noise coming from the building in front of me, but I took the safety off my gun anyway. I pushed the door open cautiously. It squeaked horribly, which hopefully meant no one was here. White specks of dust floated from the rug wherever I stepped. But there was also some floating around on the stairs too. Hopefully, that was just random air currents and not a zombie.

I searched the house as quickly as I could, but it was a big house. I think it was called a mansion. After half an hour, I had gone through the first three floors, with good findings. I went to go up the stairs to the fourth floor, but there weren't any. Frowning, I looked around.

There had to be a way to get up there. No signs were apparent of them being taken away though. Then I spotted a knot in the paneled wood of the hall. I pushed it lightly, watching as the wooden swirl twisted. A ladder swung down from above. Testing its strength first, I began to climb the ladder. The rope looked worn, but was plenty sturdy. It would make sense that this was built after it started, but it looked too old for that. There was a creaking noise coming from where the ladder was attached, the hinges rusty. I cursed, not caring because if anyone was in this house, they would now know I was here.

When I got to the top, it came across a great surprise. "Jackpot," I muttered. These people must have had a son, and they had spoiled him. That explained the ladder. I knew Max and Pepper would love it, and probably any other child too.
The room was full of toys and electronics. Also, the kid had a ton of fake guns. The council would love this. I grabbed the kid’s bedspread, and started stuffing it full of toys, games, clothes, and money. The money wasn't worth anything, so I left the weird green paper, but I took the coins with people on them. Metal like this was valuable to a girl trying to support a family.

Taking all of my goods, I jumped down, not bothering with the ladder. It wasn't that long of a fall. I went outside, checked my gun, and started to walk through the deserted town. Passing by a big store, I found a metal shopping cart. I dumped all of my stuff in it, and pushed it in front of me.

Now that I didn't have all that weight on my back, I started to run, I cart gliding along in front of me. I made it to the path and picked up my speed. The path was the only road that was still used. It was dangerous, but not as much as the other roads. It was surrounded my forests, which seems like it would be a great place for zoms to hide, but all the dry leaves on the ground would give away their position.

So, on the path, if you ran, you would most likely make it home. Most of the zombies couldn't run, and if they couldn't catch you, they couldn't hurt you. Things still happened, amateurs came out goofing around, but if you were careful and could run for a really long time, then you would be fine. After running for about 8 miles, I come to a spoon in the road. Apparently they used to be called 'forks in the road', but spoon worked better for here because the path split into two, but they both connected after a few miles, forming one road again.

Most Tocks took the path on the right, because it was safer, but I loved the one on the left. There were still things that survived from before here, things most people had never seen. There were planes, and half-bike half-cars, and houses still intact. It was harder to go on this path because it was covered in debris, so no one tried. Maybe that's why I did. Just to prove you could.

Once you got to the end of the spoon, it was only about a mile to my town. I slowed down as I approached the gates, hoping to go unnoticed. But without luck. All of the guards started to glare at me except for a few, who were attempting to glare while trying to hold in their amusement.

I knew I was in big trouble. I hadn't gotten permission to leave. Under 18's weren't allowed out without an adult or with special authorization. I had neither. So I was in for a lot of trouble. But with this haul, it was so worth it. And I had a new first to report: I hadn't seen even one zom today. That had never happened. So maybe if I told them that I would get off the hook...but that was just wishful thinking.

Once I made it through the gates, the boss of the guards for this shift came up to me. His name was Nat Chop, with was a very fitting name for him because his sentences seemed like they were being chopped off to quickly. Like right now. "Why, girl? What happened? How?" Such a warm welcome, as always.

I quickly told him what had happened, only leaving out how I got out without them noticing. He frowned and got a calculating look on his face. "Danni. Council House. Now!" Busted!

Sighing, I went to the east of the town, where the shops were and where meetings were held. The Council House was the most impressive building in the town. It was from before, and had been preserved pretty well.

As I got to it, I saw Councilor Com standing outside of the building, leaning against the doors casually. He was the head of the council. Normally someone as high up as him wouldn't be dealing with this kind of problem, since teens tried to go outside all the time, though I was the most frequent offender. Something was up. Chop must have called sent him a paq telling him what happened.

News travelled fast in this town. Ever since paqs were invented, everyone knew everything about you before you knew it yourself. Paqs were like what teens used before to communicate; I think they were called 'texts'. But the 'texts' were just words typed up on a screen. Paq Blocks were devices that you pushed a button on it, and thought about your message. Once you were done thinking of the message, you thought of the person's name and they got the paq on their Paq Block, which would play the message in their mind. Don't get me wrong, I love paqs, but at times like these they were so irritating.

Councilor Com told me to go to my house, check on the kids, and report back in an hour for a full council meeting. This was bad. I had never been to a full council before, and they only called them when something was really wrong. Seeing my panic, Com soothingly said, "Don't worry, Danni. You're not in trouble, but we need to figure out what is going on, and you seem very well acquainted with outside." He said the last part with amusement, knowing of how many times I snuck out. Com had always cared a lot for me. He had been best friends with my parents, so he always looked out for me.
I gave him a grin and turned around, wheeling my cart with me. "One hour Danni. Don't be late," Com called after me. When I got to the other side of town where my house was, 10 minutes of my hour where already gone.

I unlocked the door, and stepped in, leaving the cart outside. Before I could take two steps into the room, Max ran at me. Grinning, I ruffled his hair. "Missed you too, bud." I walked through the house to the living room where Pepper was sitting on the floor, doing yoga. She called out, "Hey," but quickly went back to focus on her yoga. Good, maybe that would calm her down so she wouldn't be so hyper all the time.

Max and Pepper weren't my kids, or siblings. But a few years ago, my aunt and uncle, who had raised me, were killed defending the town, along with my older cousin, leaving me to care for their two youngest children. At that time I had been 13. I am now 16, Pepper is 11, and Max is 5. It seems weird that a 13 year old would be allowed to raise two young kids, but I was allowed to because I had just turned 13, and at that age you could live alone. Many people had been against me taking care of them, and wanted to give them to other families, but I refused to be split up. Everyone was required to get a job when they were 17, but I had been working around town for a little extra money for my aunt and uncle since I was 5, and when I was 13, I got a real job.

My job is to go to old towns from before and look for anything usable. Then I bring it back and sell it or keep it for my family. Normally this job is only allowed for over-18s, but I had gone with my uncle before, and I was really good at it. And they needed people to do it. Most of the townies were too afraid because a lot of people got killed while outside. The nickname for people who do this is Tocks, because people think are lives are tick-tocking away faster than most because of the risks. So I was allowed to go once a week, as long as I got permission first. But this job doesn't pay well enough to only go once a week. So I snuck out a lot.

It was hard work, but I didn't mind because it kept me with Max and Pepper. Max is a shy child, but very smart and tough for someone his age. Pepper is very hyper. Her real name is Penny, but she is really peppy, and loved a ton of pepper on her food when we still had it from before. So I started to call her Pepper when she was little, and it stuck. I talked to the kids for a minute, and then went outside to look through what I found. I began to make two piles, keep or sell. In the keep pile I put some children's books for Max, some new clothes for all of us, some sewing supplies, and some non-perishable food I had found. The rest went in the sell pile. Later I would go sell or trade it to different people, but right now I had to get ready to go.

I took all the keep stuff to my room to surprise them with later, and took a quick shower. Meeting with the council was a big deal, so I couldn't show up covered in dirt and sweat from my run. After I changed into my nicest clothes, I told Pepper that there were leftovers in the fridge if I was gone too late, and to watch Max.

"Aye aye, captain," she responded sarcastically. "But you'll be home by 6 so don't worry."

"Thanks. See ya!" Once again grateful for her ability, I left.

I started walking towards the council house, knowing that if I waited any longer I would be late. Butterflies were bouncing in my stomach, so to calm myself down, I went through different fighting techniques in my head. I was focusing all my attention on this, not even thinking about what I had gotten into.

My train of thought trailed off as I realized I had made it to the council house. Taking a deep breath, I walked up the stairs. The room where the meeting was to be held was big. The twenty men on the council all turned to look at me as I walked in.

Scowling, I took my seat at the front of the stand. Two of the younger members had smirks on their faces and were pointing at me and laughing. I had no idea that they were on the council. When I was younger we never had gotten along, and they hated me. I think it was because they tried to beat me up for some reason, and thought they would get me since I was 5 years younger, but I kicked their butts. Most girls started training a while before the guys, so people who were naturally good at it had an advantage when it came to things like this.

This was going to be a long day with this group of guys...

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Please comment if you like it or even if you don't so I can know how to make it better. Thanks for reading!

Paul here! Welcome to YWS

This is a really cool premise, like a mix of X-Men and The Walking Dead. The set-up is incredibly interesting and I applaud your originality

There was no noise coming from the building in front of me, but I took the safety off my gun anyway. I pushed the door open cautiously. It squeaked horribly, which hopefully meant no one was here. I searched the house as quickly as I could, but it was a big house. I think it was called a mansion. After half an hour, I had gone through the first three floors, with good findings. I went to go up the stairs to the fourth floor, but there weren't any. Frowning, I looked around.

This is your first paragraph, and unarguably the most important part of any "Chapter One". You really have to grab the reader's, and it can snap away at a second's notice. The first sentence is a good hook, but the rest of the paragraph has two many adverbs and not enough description. If this is a zombie apocalypse, focus on how decrepit and derelict the house is. Remember: show, don't tell.

That's the only specific thing that I wanted to bring to your attention. The rest would fall back on the most invaluable writer's rule: show, don't tell. You accomplish it well for the most part, but you do miss the ball in a couple places. The chapter feels a bit uneven, which is extremely common, especiallyfor first drafts of first chapters.

Something that you explained but still seems a little inexplicable is the fact that Danni didn't use any superpowers while out and about. I'm no expert, but I think invisibility would work pretty well while sneaking around The character does explain it, but the powers thing does kind of come out of left field towards the end, and having Danni use a power or two would definitely help foreshadow it.

And I think you might have a little bit of gender confusion (and this has nothing to do with the fact that your name is purplegirl14 and yet you're still classified as male; you might want to tweak a couple of settings ). A genderless name like "Danni" can cause a lot of confusion, especially in first person narratives when there are no he/she pronouns to refer to them with. "Danni" could be short for Danielle, Daniel. This is a trap that's very easy to fall into, so I would throw a few big hints early on to clue in the reader. If there were clues, then I guess I missed them

Again, this is a really cool premise, and I look forward to seeing what happens next. If this turns into a book about superheroes fighting zombies, then they might as well give you the Hugo right now. Keep writing!

(Oh, and get an avatar for your account. Y'know, the little picture thing. Mine's the pale guy with the black hair, who's all like "TALK TO THE HAND". Everybody needs an avatar, otherwise you just have a blank space, and blank spaces kinda suck. Anyway, hope that helps, and once again, welcome to YWS!)

Thanks a lot! That really helped! I went back to try and fix the first paragraph.

The show not tell part is always hard for me, but I'm working on it.

I hadn't noticed the gender option Fixed that one! Though to be fair, it said unspecified, not male.

Hi buddy!

So I like this, you've got some really cool ideas, a pretty interesting world and a lot of intrigue. However, you've also got a lot of paragraphs choc full of info dumping and that can make your writing tedious at times.

I'd like to see some more sensory descriptions from you. There's some nice visuals but not enough that's sound or scent or touch or taste related. Just remember, there's five rather than one and every time you write a scene, you should at least quickly think through them all in your head and ask yourself, what can you see? What can you smell? Does the air smell pleasant or polluted? Is there a cooking scent? What can you touch and how does it feel? Rough texture or smooth? Can you taste anything? And what about sound? Any water running nearby? Any particular tone to a voice?

I have some problems with your character too. She's too powerful. I liked her at first, she's got a nice tone, seems like an interesting kid, but as soon as you gave her all of those gifts? Urgh. Make her special, fine. But don't draw so much attention to it. She was born on this day so she's special. She lives on her own with these kids so she's special. She has loads of powers so she's special. It's just the perfect way to make your character very easy to dislike.

I'll address a few other things in line by line comments:

There was no noise coming from the building in front of me, but I took the safety off my gun anyway. I pushed the door open cautiously. It squeaked horribly, which hopefully meant no one was here. [You may want to work on some of your phrasing here. You have me, anyway, cautiously, horribly and hopefully all pretty close together, all placed at the end of a sentence or at least before a pause. It makes a noticeable pattern which takes the reader's attention away from the story. Simply try something like, 'It let out a horrible squeak' and boom you have a variation on your adjective form.] White specks of dust floated from the rug wherever I stepped. But there was also some floating around on the stairs too. Hopefully, [Nuh uh. No repeating hopefully so soon when it's not for dramatic effect. Choose another word!] that was just random air currents and not a zom.

[Uh... what's a zom? If it's something uber cool and fantasy or sci fi based, give the reader a little more information. Just enough to intrigue them rather than confuse. You've got to go, 'Hey look guys! I'm using a made up word but it's okay because I'm gonna tell you it's a made up word so you're not all worried that it's one you just don't know because I'm cool and making it clear it's made up and all!' Or something like that anyway xD]

I searched the house as quickly as I could, but it was a big house. I think it was called a mansion. After half an hour, I had gone through the first three floors, with good findings. I went to go up the stairs to the fourth floor, but there weren't any. Frowning, I looked around.

[Nice section. More thoughts from the narrator would be nice though. For example, how does she (I assume it's a she since the voice sounds female) know there are four floors? Did she see the windows from outside?]

There had to be a way to get up there. No signs were apparent of them being taken away though. Then I spotted a knot in the paneled panelled wood of the hall. I pushed it lightly, watching as the wooden swirl twisted. A ladder swung down from above. Testing its strength first, I began to climb the ladder. The rope looked worn, but was plenty sturdy. It would make sense that this was built after it started, but it looked too old for that. [You're missing a space here.] There was a creaking noise coming from where the ladder was attached, the hinges rusty. [That last part's a fragment. You need to use a semi colon instead of a comma and make it, 'the hinges were rusty'.] I cursed, not caring because if anyone was in this house, they would now know I was here.

When I got to the top, it came across a great surprise. [Awkward phrasing here.] "Jackpot," I muttered. These people must have had a son, and they had spoiled him. That explained the ladder. I knew Max and Pepper would love it, and probably any other child too.
The room was full of toys and electronics. Also, the kid had a ton of fake guns. The council would love this. I grabbed the kid’s bedspread, and started stuffing it full of toys, games, clothes, and money. The paper money wasn't worth anything, so I left the weird green paper, but I took the coins with people on them. Metal like this was valuable to a girl trying to support a family.

Now that I didn't have all that weight on my back, I started to run, I my cart gliding along in front of me. I made it to the path and picked up my speed. The path was the only road that was still used. It was dangerous, but not as much as the other roads. It was surroundeding my forests, which seems like it would be a great place for them to hide, but all the dry leaves on the ground would give away their position. [A very run on sentence, see if you can split it somewhere.]

So, on the path, if you ran, you would most likely make it home. [You need to be a little less vague. At first it's intriguing but now it's starting to get annoying and boring. We need a little more info on them or at least something new that will keep our interest.] Things still happened, amateurs came out goofing around, but if you were careful and could run for a really long time, then you would be fine. After running for about 8 miles, I come to a spoon in the road. Apparently they used to be called 'forks in the road', but spoon worked better for here because the path split into two, but they both connected after a few miles, forming one road again.

[That's not really a spoon though. I think you need a better word for it but interesting concept.]

Most Tocks took the path on the right, because it was safer, but I loved the one on the left. There were still things that survived from before here, things most people had never seen. There were planes, and half-bike half-cars, and houses still intact. It was harder to go on this path because it was covered in debris, so no one tried. Maybe that's why I did. Just to prove you could.

[Good section. More like this please.]

I knew I was in big trouble. I hadn't gotten permission to leave. Under 18's weren't allowed out without an adult or with special authorization. I had neither. So I was in for a lot of trouble. But with this haul, it was so worth it. And I had a new first to report: I hadn't seen one today. That had never happened. So maybe if I told them that I would get off the hook...but that was just wishful thinking.

[Another good section. Just one suggestion though: you mention them and one and they a lot. You should capitalise it each time so we know you're talking about the same thing and that would show its significance and increase interest etc.]

Once I made it through the gates, the boss of the guards for this shift came up to me. His name was Nat Chop, with which was a very fitting name for him because his sentences seemed like they were being chopped off too quickly. Like right now. "Why? What happened? How?" Such a warm welcome, as always.

As I got to it, I saw Councilor Com standing outside of the building, leaning against the doors casually. He was the head of the council. Normally someone as high up as him wouldn't be dealing with this kind of problem, since teens tried to go outside all the time, though I was the most frequent offender. Something was up. Chop must have called sent him a paq telling him what happened.

[Awkward phrasing at the end there. It should be called and sent or called or sent or... just read it out loud and tidy it up, okay?]

Councilor Com told me to go to my house, check on the kids, and report back in an hour for a full council meeting. [Missing a space here.] This was bad. I had never been to a full council before, and they only called them when something was really wrong. Seeing my panic, Com soothingly said, "Don't worry, Danni. You're not in trouble, but we need to figure out what is going on, and you seem very well acquainted with outside." He said the last part with amusement, knowing of how many times I snuck out. Com had always cared a lot for me. He had been best friends with my parents, so he always looked out for me.
I gave him a grin and turned around, wheeling my cart with me. "One hour Danni. Don't be late," Com called after me. When I got to the other side of town where my house was, 10 minutes of my hour where were already gone.

Max and Pepper weren't my kids, or siblings. But a few years ago, my aunt and uncle, who had raised me, were killed defending the town, along with my older cousin, leaving me to care for their two youngest children. At that time I had been 13. I am now 16, Pepper is 11, and Max is 5. [No. This is not how you introduce ages. It's dull, it's info dumping and not necessary. Do we need to know exactly how old everyone is right now? No. Do you have characters in films who suddenly turn to the screen and say, 'By the way I'm 14 and that guy over there is 40 and-' No. Describe them and give them voices and show us they're young. It's much more effective.] It seems weird that a 13 year old would be allowed to raise two young kids, but I was allowed to because I had just turned 13, and at that age you could live alone. [More info dumping. If that's allowed in her world, she wouldn't be explaining it because she's just accept it as the norm. This is out of character.] Many people had been against me taking care of them, and wanted to give them to other families, but I refused to be split up. Everyone was required to get a job when they were 17, but I had been working around town for a little extra money for my aunt and uncle since I was 5, and when I was 13, I got a real job.

My job is to go to old towns from before and look for anything usable. Then I bring it back and sell it or keep it for my family. Normally this job is only allowed for over-18s, but I had gone with my uncle before, and I was really good at it. And they needed people to do it. Most of the townies were too afraid because a lot of people got killed while outside. The nickname for people who do this is Tocks, because people think are our lives are tick-tocking away faster than most because of the risks. [I like it. Nice idea.] So I was allowed to go once a week, as long as I got permission first. But this job doesn't pay well enough to only go once a week. So I snuck out a lot.

It was hard work, but I didn't mind because it kept me with Max and Pepper. Max is a shy child, but very smart and tough for someone his age. Pepper is very hyper. Her real name is Penny, but she is really peppy, and loved a ton of pepper on her food when we still had it from before. So I started to call her Pepper when she was little, and it stuck. [Missing a space here and you're info dumping again.] I talked to the kids for a minute, and then went outside to look through what I found. I began to make two piles, keep or sell. In the keep pile I put some children's books for Max, some new clothes for all of us, some sewing supplies, and some non-perishable food I had found. The rest went in the sell pile. Later I would go sell or trade it to different people, but right now I had to get ready to go.

I walked to the court house, thinking about all that had happened when it started. I was born on that day, so I don't remember it, but I've heard tons of stories. What everyone thought was a new form of flu swept the world. Only it wasn't flu. It was the zom disease. The day I was born was when the disease took hold of the first people, and in a few hours millions of people were zoms.

[Mmm. Too much explanation all at once. You need to make this more interesting and tell us at an appropriate time.]

But something else strange happened too. Everyone who was born after that day got some kind of ability. Pepper could tell the future. Max had a photographic memory. None of the adults who didn't become zoms got these powers though. But I was different than everyone else. I had multiple gifts, like mind reading and becoming invisible, and I kept keep on getting more as I get older. They think this is because I was born that day, while no other babies born that day lived. But I don't like using my gifts. It feels like I'm cheating. So I only use them to practice in case I need them one day, and for special circumstances like sneaking past the guards. What they don't know can't hurt them! I would use it when getting around outside the gate, but it's harder to make powers work on them, and it still doesn't work as well. It's usually best just to use them on zoms when nessasary necessary, since it takes up valuable energy.

I'm not going to lie, I really didn't like the ending. I think you started this well and gained a nice bit of momentum in the middle but then splat! It just all fell apart. I think you need to back track and bring some of the good writing from the beginning into the later section.

Hopefully this will help you make a few small improvements Take care!

Heather xxx

Hey,
This is a very interesting piece. I saw the early signs of a good plot formation.

But, I wasn't such a fan of the ending of this chapter, the '...' method of ending a chapter seems too cliche and overused. Also you have a few grammar issues. For example, it would be best if you watched your uses of 'are' and 'our'. I also felt that your discriptions and explanations were a bit pachy. In places there wasn't enough and in others there was too much. This would be better if it was more evenly spread throughout the peice.

And then there is the main character. I think you brought up her name in a clever way but for the size of the piece, it seemed a bit late. I also don't see much wrong with the character. I know most of us like to create the ultimate character but a lot of the time there is no room for further development. I think that Danni could do with a few quirks.

That pretty much covers the bulk of the issues in the piece. Very nice.