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Simply Dead...Or Not Chapter 2



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Mon Feb 21, 2011 6:14 pm
purplegirl14 says...



*Danni POV*

"Danni, can you please tell the council what you saw when you were out today?" I wonder if Councilor Com is usually this informal in council, or if it's just because of me....Whatever the reason, I was glad. It relaxed me so I could focus on what I was supposed to be doing, not staring at the council and feeling intimidated.

Sitting up straighter, I said, "I went out to Scotchtown. I didn't see any zoms on my way there, but that was normal because they don't like to be out at sunrise. But when I went through the town, it was deserted. I was there last month, and it was full of zoms then. And on my way back, I still didn't see any, not even hiding in the woods."

An older councilor-I think his name is Monti- looked thoughtful for a moment before addressing me. "Did you see any tracks? Or do you think they were all killed?"

"I looked around the perimeter of the town, but I couldn't find more than a few tracks. If they had been killed, there would have been signs of the fight."

No one spoke for what seemed like forever. Finally, I got tired of the silence, so I said, "What do you think that means?"
Com sighed and said, "Trouble, Danni. Lots of trouble. Go home. If we need you we will call you. And don't go outside town again until I say so"

"But-"

"No buts, Danni. If this is about money, don't worry. I'll come see you tomorrow to talk about this."

"Fine!" I left the Council House and shut the door, but left a slight gap. Now I could put my ear up to the door to hear what they were saying.

But all I could hear was, "Eavesdropping isn't nice, Danni," being whispered in my ear.

After all my training, I didn't even jump. I just calmly said, "And neither is sneaking up on people. What do you want, Mance?" Mance was going to be my partner in a few years. Since there are so few of us, there is a team of people that arranges couples so that genetic diversity doesn't get lost. I didn't like this system much, but Mance had always been my friend so it wasn't that bad. We had an odd love-hate relationship. Instead of going from loving to fighting, he always loved me, and I always fought with him.

I do love Mance, but like a big brother. Maybe I'll get used to it...I was still contemplating if that would happen when Mance answered my question. "Thought you might want to go to the market, but if you're too busy eavesdropping, I can find someone else." I just rolled my eyes at him and started walking towards my house, knowing he would follow. He caught up to me shortly, and walked with me in silence towards the rest of the way.

When we were in the yard, I turned to him and said, "I have to fix dinner for the kids. Go get your stuff to sell, and come back here and eat with us. We can go to the market after that."

He grinned and I couldn't help but grin back. I loved hanging out with my friends. I didn't get too much because of the kids and working, so this was special. "See you in a minute," he called out over his shoulder as he walked away.

I went inside, and saw that Max and Pepper were busy drawing on the walls. When he saw me, Max yelled happily, "Look Danni! I drew you! It's you training!" Where he was pointing there was a line with a circle on top of it, and two more lines attached to the bottom of the original line. I'm guessing these were my legs, but I'm not betting on that one. "I don't know how to draw your arms because there are always weapons in them," Max complained. "Will you teach me how to draw a knife?"

"Later. I have to fix dinner. Mance will be joining us-" I was cut off by cheering, "-and then we are going to the market."

I grinned and went over to the small white fridge. There weren't many leftovers. Going over to a box, I opened it and pulled out some packets of powder. I put water on the stove to boil, and put the powder in the water. I miss the real food we used to have. It was so much better than this, and there was more of it. But this was all we had to work with, besides what I found outside. I wasn't a bad cook, so I managed to make decent meals.

I ended up making a vegetable stew. There were carrots and potatoes in it that I had found while outside of the fence today. They were in tomato soup, with some herbs in it. The aroma of the food got the kids to stop playing and get some bowls.

Growing vegetables would have been noticed and people would have stolen them or said they were against the rules. But there are technically no rules about herbs, and anyone who sees it just thinks its weeds. The herbs are also useful when dealing with zoms. Some will mask your smell while others will have effects on the zoms.

Mance came back and we all ate, then I told Pepper and Max to behave and we went to market. The market was where you went whenever you needed extra clothes, food, or fun things if you had enough money. There weren't any stores anymore. You got some rations, and some clothes for working, but for anything else, you had to go to the market.
We sat up a table in our usual spot. We arranged our merchandise, the metal flashing in the dying light.

Mance had a rare job, so his shiny gadgets were always popular. He repaired things that were found but didn't work. There weren't a lot of people who had that job because trade secrets got passed down from father to son only. The crowd was always interested in looking at his wares even if they weren't buying, so our table was always noisy.

We got a lot more money than usual. Mance had a ton of watches, which were always in demand. I got a ton of money from the school for all the fake guns I found in the kid's room. The schools teach the kids how to defend themselves in an emergency, so the guns were a good idea.

As Mance walked me back to my house, we joked about the nights events. But when we got to my house our laughter cut off suddenly.

In front of the house there were a few hove-carts. Only the council and high-up guards had those.

We rushed inside to find Council Com, and a few other councilors there standing in the living room. In the kitchen there were two guards talking to the kids soothingly.

"What's wrong?" It was more of a demand than a question, and I should probably use more respect when talking to the leaders of the town, but I was too freaked to care.

Com answered me, looking grim and pained. "We found out what is going on with the zoms. It has to be stopped as soon as possible. And we need you to do it. You are the only one who might be able to stop it."

WHAT?! I'm a teenager. I can't do whatever they wanted. This must be a joke. But they looked dead serious. So all I said-or maybe shouted, I'm not sure-is, "What exactly is the 'it' that I have to stop?!"

A counselor who I had never talked to, only seen around town, stepped forward. "We can't tell you that right now. It's classified."

Was he joking? "Then how exactly do you expect me to do anything?"

"Tomorrow morning report to the council house at nine, and you will have an hour to ask us questions. Then you leave to go deal with it."

"What? And if I refuse?"

"Then we will take your cousins away, and you will be exiled." At that Pepper and Max looked over, confused.

Max asked, "What's he talking about, Danni? I don't want you to leave."

Com went over to him and said, "Sorry but she has to. But the sooner she leaves, the sooner she gets back. Councilor Hilde will answer any questions you have while she's gone, though." He gestured towards the councilor who I now really didn't like.

At this point I had enough. "What do you expect me to do with Max and Pepper while I'm off doing who knows what?"

Hilde looked at me in amusement. "That's not our problem. Sorry, kid."

I turned to look at Com before I hit that stupid man. "Com? Please?"

He sighed, and ran a hand through his graying hair. "Wish I could, Danni. I really do. But I have to think of everyone, not just you. I can't help you."

"You could if you wanted to," I snapped at him.

Hilde narrowed his eyes, opening his mouth to speak, but Com beat him to it. "Enough. It's final. Be at the council house at nine." With that, he walked out of the house. Everyone else looked at me, some sympathetically, others bored, and quickly followed him.

~~~~--------------------------~~~~

*Mance POV*

I couldn't believe them! The council was supposed to help. I hadn't said anything, because I knew if I had they would have made me leave, but I wished I could just yell at them.

Max and Pepper were looking at Danni in concern. She was staring out the door, watching as everyone left, not moving a muscle. I turned to the kids. "Why don't you go upstairs? Danni left something special for you up there." They looked uncertain, but slowly left.

Walking over to Danni, I put my arms around her. She sighed and leaned against me, muttering under her breath. "What am I going to do?" I didn't answer, not sure if she was asking herself or me.

I pulled her over to the sofa and got her to sit down. "Danni, it will all be fine trust me."

She looked up at me, agonized. "How can you say that? I don't even know what I'm doing! And what about Pepper and Max..."

"My Dad can watch them."

"I don't know...They don't really know him. Can you? Please?"

"Nope." Danni looked like she was about to cry. "That's because I'm going with you," I told her softly. She started shaking her head before I even finished my sentence. "I know how to take care of myself out there. And you know you can travel faster with two people."

She looked torn. Finally, she said, "I can't ask you to do that." I just gave her a look and she grinned at me. "Really? You'd go?"

"Of course. I'm much better at using tools and fixing things than you, and that might come in handy. But right now I got to go see Dad. I'll be here at eight, okay?"

"If you're sure." I just rolled my eyes. She laughed, waving goodbye.

~~~~-------------------------~~~~

*Danni POV*

I can't believe Mance is going with me. It will make it so much better, and we'll be back sooner. As long as the council let him go, that is. Or...they don't have to know he's going with me. With a mischievous smile, I went upstairs. The kids were in my room. Pepper was reading Max a story about some kind of animal. They looked at me with wide eyes when I came in. I sighed and sat down on my bed, with them following.

Pepper asked me, "What's up, Danni?" I explained what was going to happen. Their faces eyes were tight and their lips quivered, but they held it together. I suggested they go to bed early, so we could go do something fun together in the morning.

They agreed. After tucking them in, I was on my bed for hours, but never fell asleep. Around what I'm guessing is three, I felt weight on the end of the bed. Looking up, I saw a small, dark shadow. Max. He climbed up next to me, and I pulled the coarse quilt around him. I stroked his silky hair, hoping that would calm him like it used to when he was a baby. After a minute, his quiet breathing was slow and even. Soon mine was too.

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That morning I made a huge breakfast for us, with all of the kid's favorite foods. It wasn't like I was going to be able to use it outside because the smell would attract zombies, so why not use it up? After the kids and I ate it all, I went and helped them pack up what they would need to stay with Mance's dad. Then we just sat and talked.

An hour later, Mance showed up with his dad. Mr. Horowit was a tall man, with dark blond hair like his son. He fixed things like Mance, and was really smart. He had gone to a real school from before. The kids went to get their bags from their rooms. We all looked up at the booming thumps coming from the stairs, but it was just Max and Pepper pushing the bags down the stairs. As they reached the door, I noticed that the shiny material was now covered in dirt and who knows what else because they were too short to pick them up off the ground completely.

Max acted shy, even though he had known Mr. Horowit for a while. Pepper, on the other hand, wouldn't stop asked him questions about every little thing. After she started to ask why the sky wasn't blue anymore, I cut her off. "Pepper, let him breathe." She stopped talking, but looked like she didn't want to. "Thank you so much for taking them."
Mr. Horowit chuckled. "No problem. I can't believe they picked you two to go to the old capital, though. I thought they would have picked someone older.

I raised my eyebrows at Mance, who was standing behind his dad. He shook his head slightly, so I played along. "Yeah. It surprised me too. So Pepper knows what to do for her and Max, and has money."

He waved his hand, saying, "Don't worry about it. We'll be fine."

I gave them both hugs and said goodbye. My legs felt like they were going to snap because of how hard Max was clinging to me, but eventually he let go, walking over to Pepper and holding her hand. She squeezed his small hand in her own, holding on tightly. I whispered a quick thanks to Mr. Horowit again and they left.

Turning to Mance, I questioned, "So what's a capitol?"

He laughed, and said, "No idea, but Dad always talks about it."

"Why didn't you tell him the truth?"

"He wouldn't have let me go if he knew." He shrugged and asked, "Ready?" We didn't know what we were doing so we hadn't packed much else besides weapons and food powder packets.

I nodded, and we left. I locked the door behind me, taking one last look at my house. Then I grabbed his arm, and we started to walk to the council building to see what we had to do. Who knows, maybe they did need for us to go to the capitol. Whatever that is.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please tell me what you think and how I can improve! Thank you in advance! :smt003
Last edited by purplegirl14 on Fri Feb 25, 2011 2:01 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu Feb 24, 2011 4:08 am
PaulClover says...



Paul again :)

Another cool chapter! Definitely feels more focused than the last, which is usually how it goes for novels-in-progress. Most of the time, it's not until chapter three or four that most writers (I included) find their footing in a story, but it seems you've already settled in nicely.

The only thing I can suggest is to try and find a better way to switch from different perspectives. Having it declared right before the perspective switches is a little too jarring way to make the transition. I would suggest just having a symbol or a line or something to indicate a break, then use dialogue or prose to inform the reader of who they're currently in. This is a difficult trick to pull off, as most omniscient-perspective stories tend to be third person and not first person.

Also, I would be amiss if I didn't point out the most moving scene in the chapter: the part where Max climbs into bed with Danni. It's really sweet, and strangely beautiful how trusting and loving their guardian-child relationship is.

Anyway, that's all I have to say about that ;) Good chapter! Really excited to see where this is going. Keep writing!
Remember your name. Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found. Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped to help you in their turn. Trust dreams. Trust your heart, and trust your story. - Neil Gaiman
  





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Fri Mar 04, 2011 2:49 pm
Rydia says...



Hi again, dear! Sorry about the delay on this but I decided to review the second chapter for you instead of looking at chap. 1 again. You had some nice improvements there by the way :)

So this chapter started very well and I rather liked it. Not as much as the first as it wasn’t quite as intriguing but the first scene was good and I liked meeting Mance. I felt the scene with the council turning up at her house could have been handled better. It was in one sense over dramatic with her storming into a rage before she’s really asked what needs to be done and on the other side, too quick and not powerful enough. You need to slow down and add more details to each scene!

Here’s some more line by line comments:

"Danni, can you please tell the council what you saw when you were out today?" I wonder if Councilor [Might be a difference of culture, but I think it’s spelt councillor?] Com is usually this informal in council, or if it's just because of me....[An ellipse should be three dots and then the next word isn’t capitalised.] Whatever the reason, I was glad. It relaxed me so I could focus on what I was supposed to be doing, not staring at the council and feeling intimidated.
To be honest, I’d rather you show her being nervous and intimidated to start with and then relaxing as Com talks to her. It would be more effective if we could actually see the change in her emotions.

Mance

Interesting introduction of the character and the partnering people up theme. I like it. I think you tell us too much about their relationship though. Instead, you should let us find out for herself that she doesn’t love him in that way and that she has something against their partnership, while he’s all puppy dog eyed and enthusiastic. It would make for a more interesting narrative!

I do love Mance, but like a big brother. Maybe I'll get used to it...I was still contemplating if that would happen when Mance answered my question. "Thought you might want to go to the market, but if you're too busy eavesdropping, I can find someone else." I just rolled my eyes at him and started walking towards my house, knowing he would follow. He caught up to me shortly, and walked with me in silence towards the rest of the way.


Growing vegetables would have been noticed and people would have stolen them or said they were against the rules. But there are technically no rules about herbs, and anyone who sees it just thinks its weeds. The herbs are also useful when dealing with zoms. Some will mask your smell while others will have effects on the zoms.


Mance point of view

Hmmm. I didn’t really feel the difference of character or reaction here. I’d have liked to see more of a contrast in the way these two think; a bigger change in your writing style. If you’re going to use different point of views, they need to be very clear and very different, otherwise you might as well stick to just one. Also, that would be the perfect opportunity to show how Mance feels about Danni, rather than telling us earlier. Plus, there was none of her fighting with him that you mentioned. It’s inconsistent. You haven’t set up that side of their relationship enough to already have her lowering her barriers and letting him hold her and agreeing with him.

Pepper asked me, "What's up, Danni?" I explained what was going to happen. Their faces eyes were tight and their lips quivered, but they held it together. I suggested they go to bed early, so we could go do something fun together in the morning.


Max acted shy, even though he had known Mr. Horowit for a while. Pepper, on the other hand, wouldn't stop asked asking him questions about every little thing. After she started to ask why the sky wasn't blue anymore, I cut her off. "Pepper, let him breathe." She stopped talking, but looked like she didn't want to. "Thank you so much for taking them."


Descriptions
It would have been nice to have more scenic descriptions in this chapter as there’s no clear idea of what her house is like, what the land is like since the epidemic etc. These are all details that could really build the atmosphere of your story and form the world which you’re creating. Also, using Mance’s perspective would be a great opportunity to describe Danni through his eyes.

Overall
I think it’s going pretty well. However, you’re moving a little too fast and spending longer on the less important scenes than you need, and not enough time on the important ones. I like your characters though and I like your plot so good work so far!

Heather xxx
Writing Gooder

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Fri Mar 11, 2011 3:08 am
BrooklynWriter says...



Nothing really new from the review on the first chapther. Please refer back to it.
  








Knowing too much of your future is never a good thing.
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