Young Writers Society

"How long has it been?" Kira heard a voice ask, in a feeble tone, from across the room. At least it sounded like it was coming from across the room; it was pitch black so she couldn't be sure. "Well considering you came in a couple of hours after the rest of us got back from the testing rooms, I'd say about three days." Dillon, Kira's brother, replied. The newest addition to what the Techs referred to as their family began to sob softly upon hearing the reply.

Everyone broke down in one way or another when they first arrived at The Lab. They all got used to it eventually. Kira and Dillon had been imprisoned at The Lab since she was six and he was nine. Now she was seventeen, and he was twenty.

Every day was almost exactly the same. The door would open long enough to get carts in for their meals, and then slam in their faces. The light was on only three times a day. Five minutes for breakfast, ten for lunch, and fifteen for supper. Other than that, they lived in darkness.

The only days that were different were testing days. They were taken as a group into one testing room or another. There they were forced to endure cruelties that could sometimes make you lose your lunch.

With the new addition there were ten of them again. Maya, the only person who had been there longer than Kira and Dillon had died in the middle of a test. The Techs were so angry that meals were cancelled for two days.

I'm not a big fan of science - fiction but this was good. I like this alot actually. There wasn't anything the needed correcting since it was a small piece. I'll definitley be looking forward to the first chapter. Just make sure you show, not tell. I know this was only a preview but for future chapters keep that in mind.
Good job , Keep writing -Imaginemymind

Hey there, Hawk here for a review!

Okay, so overall sounds like a promising start -- reminded me of The Maze Runner a bit, from what I could gather, and I'm really looking forward to seeing where you go with this! You've explained enough to whet my appetite, without bogging the story down with unnecessary details or making me lose interest.

"How long has it been?" Kira heard a voice ask, in a feeble tone, from across the room. At least it sounded like it was coming from across the room; it was pitch black so she couldn't be sure. "Well considering you came in a couple of hours after the rest of us got back from the testing rooms, I'd say about three days." Dillon, Kira's brother, replied. The newest addition to what the Techs referred to as their family began to sob softly upon hearing the reply.

This should really be at least three different paragraphs: the first one is just the dialogue line, the second starts with "Kira" and goes to "be sure." The third paragraph starts off with the new dialogue. Every time someone different speaks, you want to show it by separating the dialogue into a new paragraph. Also, with Dillon's response, you should have a comma at the end of his words instead of a period. I'm no great shakes at explaining the rules, so read this link if you'd like, it does a great job of explaining dialogue punctuation.

Other than that, I have no further nitpicks! Please PM me when you post more, and don't hesitate to contact me if you've got any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work! Cheers. (:

I really liked it, and I can't wait to read more. One thing I noticed didn't look right, to me anyways, was

The light was on only three times a day.

I think it should be The light was only on three times a day. Overall, I really liked it and really e=want you to write more!

Howdy, Pteura! Walker here, as requested - though very sorry about this being late - and I just wanted to say that there sure was a lot going on in such a small piece xD. But, because it was small, I'm just going to get to my overall and maybe throw in a few nit-picks if I can think of any.

Overall:

You have an interesting plot idea here, but it feels so short that it could be seen as a synopsis or a structure of which a writer may or may not write before they start a novel. If thats what you were going for, then I'm not quite sure what to say on the subject xD.

But yeah, I definitely love the concept. You've got me with that. Just that, and I know the name is a nice one, but Kira is a very... persian name. One you don't often here in American or any language close to English for that matter. Because of this, I would change the name Kira to something a little more English like Emily or something of that general sort. Kira seems... off. Especially next to the very normal name of Dillon.

"How long has it been?" Kira heard a voice ask, in a feeble tone, from across the room. At least it sounded like it was coming from across the room; it was pitch black so she couldn't be sure. "Well considering you came in a couple of hours after the rest of us got back from the testing rooms, I'd say about three days." Dillon, Kira's brother, replied. The newest addition to what the Techs referred to as their family began to sob softly upon hearing the reply.

Here you have two different voice's quotes up in the same paragraph. Technically that is bad punctuation. If you want to keep what you've got, cut this paragraph in two so that we can see that this is two different people talking as the rules of quotations go.

Other than that, theres not much I can say other than the fact that you have an interesting idea and that I hope to read more if you ever get around to posting a full chapter of some sort. Then I could easily go into things like Character Development and Description that can't rightly come with just a couple introduction paragraphs.

Keep writing and I'll keep reading!
~Walker