Young Writers Society

There were always two worlds which lived side by side, two sister worlds bound together to keep each other balanced. Earth was a land for humans to thrive and concur at the top of the food chain. The other world was called Inferum, a world full of demons, a world where humans were not at the top of the food chain, but at the bottom. They each had a guardian to take care of their people; Earth had a spirit humans called Mother Nature while Inferum had made a set of twins, Lucifer and Deus. Lucifer took over the Underworld, the place where all dead things go; Deus took over the world of Inferum.

When the two worlds were created, each was beautiful, yet distinctly different. Earth was made of mostly water, with land forms dotting the surface, its colors blue and green and wonderfully filled with life giving magic. Birds flew over head; humans walked the land with animals as their companions, while colorful fish swam beneath the waves.

The other world, Inferum, was different, made up of mostly land, water being very scarce in the world, but magic filling this world with beauty as grand and different than that of Earth. Birds with scales flew through the air beside human shaped creatures with wings. In what little water there was, swam Kelpie and half fish half human creatures. The land was full of trees, where demons hid and slunk, stalking their pray before the kill. Everything was bright and dark at the same time, glowing and dull. Nothing was the same, the mindset of each creature different, nothing dependable.

Demons lived side by side with humans, picking off the ones who were meant to die. The humans knew of the demons’ presence and tried desperately to rid themselves of their evilness. They hunted down demons, testing herbs and flowers, metals and spices trying to find a weapon a human could fight with.

Where demons could slip into the human world, humans were able to slip into Inferum. As soon as stories of Wild Woods and Magical Mirrors that could let a human go into the world of demons, spread across the Earth people began to disappear more and more every day as they followed the tales with what they hoped would be The Weapon to kill the creatures of Inferum with.

But as the humans chugged forward coming into the world of technology and factories, the tales of demons and Wild Woods and Magical Mirrors, turned into bed time stories for children. No one believed in the magic that filled the air of Earth and Inferum, no one believed that there could be more to life than money and land. As time went on, Earth began to fade into nothing, the magic fading quickly out of the threads that made up Earth and its bond with Inferum.

Earth began to get weaker and weaker and sent its guardian, Mother Nature, to Inferum for help. There she met Ulciscere, the demon of revenge. “Please… Earth needs your help, the humans; they are destroying their home… Earth begs for the assistance of Deus…”

“Well you’re lucky you found me… I am Ulciscere, and Deus sends me to help,” but Ulciscere was a lying demon, who just wanted to take Earth for itself, wanted the water and wanted the humans for the demons of Inferum and Inferum alone.

Mother Nature led Ulciscere back to Earth, along with his demon army, he said Deus sent to reclaim the Earth and bring it into glory. But the demon’s picture of glory was keeping all the humans gathered like animals, slaughtered for food, and used as pets. The demons would have water and everything would be as it should be; demons ruling the world and Ulciscere was going to do it.

Hey there Nightly!

Sorry it took so long to get around to this, but here I am!!

This chapter in the middle of the rest is completely random. Why set it up here? It has a prologue-y feel to it, and that's besides the fact that it's quite infodumpy. I was going cross-eyed at the end, and just skimming. I mean, so much was thrown out there, so much to take in. How can you expect your readers to take in, remember, and believe?

They can't. I'm sorry to say that it might explain why you haven't gotten any reviews here. But let's work together here, and perfect it, ok?

In the beginning, the food chain was set; demons on top, and humans at the bottom. As the Earth grew older, things changed, almost like the Earth wanted the humans to suffer. A crack began to form between the boundaries of the human world and the world of magic and death

Why would the Earth -an entity?- want the humans to suffer? Is it because the humans were treating it like crap? Or because Earth suddenly became a real witch, and had had enough of everything? It would be good to know, to have an idea of the setting.

Never, had the humans liked the demons, which were plentiful while they were far fewer in numbers, but the crack in the boundary was allowing more demons to enter their world.

This sentence was a mouthful to read. I suggest cutting it down and rewording it, because I had to read it a time or two to understand what you meant.

The humans’ numbers dwindled as demons took them back to their realm, never to return. Even as humans were vanishing, their remaining numbers were growing smarter

Are demons creatures that the Earth has loosed on humanity to punish them? Where do these demons come from, and why would they take the humans to their realm? You said, 'that the remaining humans grew smarter', how, why? Did they know what the demons did with them?

Fire had never truly helped them to defeat the demons, nor did it protect them from the monsters in the shadows. But they had found something that they thought would help them against every demon that tormented their lives. They believed that it could kill the demons, since it was of the same material as their world; humans had discovered magic.

The part in bold was random. It's as in you've spoken of fire before, and were reintroducing it into the story. But you didn't. So why mention fire now? Why not guns or knives? It would give a good time-indication. Is it because firearms weren't existent then?

Also, how did the humans discover magic? Because they evolved? Was one human born with it, and it developed like wildfire? Was there a magic box that was discovered?

They now knew that the best they could do was trap the demons in another dimension. They joined each crack into one giant tear, then sealed up each end to create a third world, known as the Break. Together they locked every demon into it, saving the world from their evil deeds. When it was done, they called themselves the Creatures.

Um, what? How could they 'now know'? What did they try before, to suddenly come to the realisation that this chasm, this break, is what they needed? How did they create it? And how were they strong enough to pull all the demons in, if they weren't strong enough to defeat them in the first place?

Also, it is very unclear who the 'creatures' are. The demons? Or the shamans and witches? And why would they give themselves another name? Why not the Defenders or the Guardians, which is what they are in reality: not creatures.

Time went on, and the humans began to grow out of hand; they were populating the land faster than they were dying. Disease was spreading throughout the countries, along with the un-pleasantries of humanity; lust, grief, jealousy and hate. Since they were not perfect their greed grew worse. No longer did humans have a common enemy to fight with, and so they began to fight each other. The Creatures had been thinned out; since they were no longer needed they too became corrupted. Only seven of them kept to their old ways, and continued to practice their magic. It was they who noticed that the Break was developing cracks of its own. The magic that created the Break was made up of the Will and the Purity of the humans. As humans grew more and more corrupt, cracks developed in the Break.

How could the creatures not be needed anymore? It just doesn't make sense. If they were magic users, then the corrupt world would need them. Help replenish the Earth and its natural provisions.
And you mention twice that the Break developped cracks.

They killed the humans that trapped them into another world, like humans killed animals; but revenge was their only thought.

Do you mean for sport, or for food?

Okay, I have to admit I sort of skimmed over the rest, and I'm not going back to read.

This chapter was interesting, in theory. I liked the idea of it. But the fact that it's completely nestled between two other chapters of the advancing story, and it was so much info being dumped, I sort of lost interest.

I highly suggest you cut this chapter out, and work on trickling the information throughout the story. Maybe it could be one of the stories Reni tells Tyler. You really have to find your way around this because you'll just lose good readers who would think the task of reading this is insurmountable.

On to the next!

Tanya

Thank you. I have been actually working on this a whole lot. I wasn't actually planning on making it part of the story I don't think, but I just sat down one night and wrote what came to my head. I didn't smooth it out perfectly. But it has turned out to be more like a prolog though I was thinking of completly taking it out, which is an option. Anyway! Thank you for the review it will help a lot in deciding this 'chapters' future.