z

Young Writers Society


The Shift: Chapter 2 And 3!



User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 11
Mon Apr 04, 2011 2:04 am
UnicornNerd says...



Dax couldn't help it. He screamed. He tore at the hands the were holding him captive. He broke loose and scurried to the back of his cage.

"Looks like we gotta fighter." One of the men called to the other.  He retreated away and closed the cage door. 

     Moments later, the man came back with a black rod. Dax didn't know what it was, but he was sure he wouldn't like it. He pulled back into his cage farther, pressing into the mesh wall behind him.  The man reached his arm in and clicked a black button on the rod. Blue sparks illuminated his face. A jolt ran through his body and the will to fight flowed out of his body as it went limp.  The hands pulled him out if the cage and shoved him into the carrier. 

"Hey man, the Doc says he wants all the patients in mint condition.  I don't know about you but I don't think head trauma counts as mint condition."

"Aw, come on. We just tazed him. I doubt a few bruises will make 'im worse!"

The second man just sighed and shook his head. They walked out of the room and the door closed with a final thud. Florescent light flickered above him as the two men carried him down a long hallway. Screams erupted from a room near by. There was growling inhuman sound and the Riiiiip of claws on fabric and flesh. Then it was silent. 

     The two men went through a pair of double doors and the smell of disinfectant flooded Dax's senses, so strong he gagged. The men dropped the carrier down on a stainless steal table and opened the door, pulling Dax  onto the cold slab of metal. They jabbed his arm with a sharp needle, causing him to yelp. 

     His eyes got heavy and his body went cold, unmoving in complete and eerie calmness. Dax's vision blurred in and out as the men tied him to the table. The last thing he saw was a large man with white hair and a curled smile like a cheshire cat...

           ........................



     "Would you help me dry these dishes, Hun?" Dax's mother called from the kitchen. He grumbled something about dish duty and peeled himself from the couch where he had been watching tv with his father. 

     He walked into the kitchen, picked up the rag on the counter, and began to dry, working into his mother's rhythm. She began to hum a soft tune that know one knows yet every one knows at the same time. A light, airy melody that just comes from somewhere inside you. 

     Just then, the doorbell rang.

"Would you get that, dear?" Dax's mom called. His dad pulled himself off of the couch and walked up to the door.

"Who the heck are you?"

"I've come to take your son."

"No you aren't."

"I've come to take your son." 

"Now listen here you.... Dax! Go back and help your mother. I've got this under control."

Dax had stuck his head around the corner to see who had knocked on the door. He saw the stranger. He was tall and slim, a long black coat hanging off of his body, concealing the frail figure underneath. A black fedora covered his eyes. 

     When his father had talked to him, the man looked up, tilting his hat back. The eyes that came from the shadows were a dazzling blue, so clear and steady, staring into his. They were the purest of blues but were empty. They were so empty and blue, They were pulling him into their empty clearness... Floating in endless blue... Dax's father was yelling... Grabbing the man... Those eyes .... Was that a bang? Did his mother just scream?... Those eyes....




Chapter 3


     Dax slowly woke, his head pounding. A long tube was shoved down his throat. He gagged several times, drool dribbling from his lower lip. He tried to pull the tube from his mouth, but he was still strapped to the table. 

     The men returned into the room, and came towards Dax. One pulled out the tube while the other began to loosen the straps. They pulled him into a sitting position and stuffed him back into the carrier.

     They carried him out and into the hallway again. This time there was no screaming or ripping. Just silence. 


They shoved him back into his cage, slamming the door on his fingers. Dax yelled and pulled his hand back, putting his finger in his mouth. A habit from his childhood. It helped the pain go away.


"Ah, so your a thumb sucker?"

"wha-" Dax looked over and saw the boy.
"No, I just-"

"He's kidding"

  Dax looked over to his right in the direction of the voice. It was the girl from earlier. 

"I know I was just, you know, making sure he knew." Dax Stuttered, still kind if in shock from all this. "Um. Hi." he said. The girl laughed.

"Hi. I'm Jay."

Dax tried to smile. 

"Uhm, I'm, uh, Dax."

"And I'm Ryan. Now that we know each other, let's get to the point. What did they do to yuh?" Ryan said.

"Ryan!"

Dax looked at Jay. "It's alright. They just took me in and knocked me out. Then they took me here."

"No, I mean what animal did they give you?"

"Oh. Well I don-" Dax doubled over in pain. He grasped his stomach and screamed. He dug his nails into his stomach trying to claw away the pain. His vocal cords strained as his face turned blue from screaming. 

He felt his nails turn to claws and tearing his shirt until it disappeared Along with his skin. His scream turned into a loud roar. 

Finally, it was over. Dax sat, panting. He looked down at himself. There was fur instead of skin. Paws instead of hands. A tail. He was a cheetah.

Jay looked at him with pity, Ryan with jealousy.

"Are you alright , Dax?"

"A cheetah!?! I get a stupid mutt, and he gets a CHEETAH??! So unfair." Jay gave him a death glare. Dax shook, his body in shock from the shift. 

"I-I'm alright." he stuttered. He laid down. "You weren't kidding when you said it hurt, Ryan. But you seemed like you were controlling it when you- shifted. that was totally involuntary."

"Guess I'm just awesome like that."

Jay sighed. "What Ryan means is your first couple of shifts are totally involuntary. They hurt the most. Then they hurt less as you go, and you can choose when to shift and when not to. It's different for everyone. Some people don't even survive the first shift. Others die after a month or so. Im a lucky one. I've been here for two years."

"Lucky!? You've been here two years and you think your lucky?"

"Yes. I'm lucky because I survived. It barely hurts when I shift anymore."

"So that's all we can hope for? Surviving and 'Barely hurting?'"

Dax's eyes began to water. A sharp pain bolted down his spine, and Dax curled up, tears streaming down his muzzle. He but his tail in efforts to distract himself from the pain. 
Last edited by UnicornNerd on Wed Aug 17, 2011 3:58 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





User avatar
49 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 922
Reviews: 49
Wed Apr 06, 2011 12:08 am
MilkNCookies says...



D'aw! Come on, we want Shifters 2!
"Fantasy is a way of looking through the wrong end of the telescope."

"The writer who breeds more words than he needs is making a chore for the reader who reads!"

~Dr.Seuss.
  





User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 11
Wed Apr 06, 2011 1:41 am
UnicornNerd says...



Awww, thanks. I'm working on it :)
  





User avatar
384 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 14918
Reviews: 384
Tue Apr 26, 2011 2:57 pm
eldEr says...



Okay, chapter 2!


Right away, I'll say that I thought the same about this chapter. It seemed a bit more dull than I thought it would be, because I know almost exactly what's happening - you told us too much in chapter one. The scene was so quick, so rushed, that it didn't hook me - it all happened to fast. He was dragged from his cage - he fought a little in the beginning, but all in all, it seemed to be a bit... rushed. Okay, so ignore that word. xD I've used it a few too many times here.

Dax is an okay character, I guess, but I'm still not seeing anything outstanding about him. He tried to fight off the guards, that's great, but who wouldn't? He still seems like a boring old teenage boy without any particularly interesting traits. Of course, this is only chapter two of the novel, so you still have a while to work on that.

Another thing that concerned me in this chapter is that you don't hear anything from or about the other two characters - the 'beautiful' girl and the other boy. I know that this is about Dax, and that the kids probably know not to say anything, but honestly, there should be some mention of Dax noting their silence, or even going as far as shooting one of them a pleading or confused look. I'm not quite sure where you would go for that, but I would like it if you didn't turn those two completely invisible, if you know what I mean.

As for the little scene after wards - it was probably the most interesting part of the entire novel. (so far) I'm guessing that he's reliving this memory while he's unconscious? Or something similar? It was decent, but I'll say right now that I didn't like the way that the very end of it was laid out - too many ...'s. xD I'm assuming you placed them all there for dramatic effect, but I just wasn't getting that. It just irritated my eyes and my brain.

So, I'm still having a few of the same thoughts about mystery - now we even know how Dax GOT here. It's only chapter 2 - so I repeat what I said in chapter one about mystery.

Keep Writing,
~~Ish.
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
  





User avatar
675 Reviews

Supporter


Gender: Female
Points: 28467
Reviews: 675
Sun May 01, 2011 4:54 pm
lilymoore says...



Huh? Did I read these in the wrong order?

To be honest, your chapter two feels more like a prologue than the second chapter, at least with the second half. I would almost consider using it as a prologue to be quite honest. It has that feel of “wait, what’s going to happen next” that can be very useful in a prologue. Or set the readers up for a real tone of mystery and write a prologue that details the taking of that girl from chapter one or the “kid” that way you get a more interesting view of these secondary characters and their backgrounds (but only do this if you would plan to use these characters later in the story).

There isn’t much I can say else about this right now because there’s not much in this chapter. But if you need a review on the next chapter or if you have any questions, just let me know.

~lilymoore
Never forget who you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armor yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you.
  





User avatar
46 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1049
Reviews: 46
Wed May 04, 2011 2:50 am
Silverdragon150 says...



I like the really eerie feeling the end gives the reader, but it does seem a bit like a prologue. But, I'm a newer writer, so feel free not to take my words to heart. I like how it seems to happen, like being absorbed by the eyes and having all the other happenings muffled in the background. It makes me wonder what it was like for his family watching him; what actually happened. Keep writing!
something something dragons something something open to conversation
Been quiet for a couple years, we'll see how this one goes.
  





User avatar
11 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 11
Wed Aug 17, 2011 4:03 pm
UnicornNerd says...



Hey guys! ThAnks for all the reviews! I took them into consideration and fixed it up. I also added a third chapter! I hope you guys enjoy it, it took me forever to write! Be jentle! Just kidding. Please, tear it to shreads. I want this to be the best I can make it. I tried to convey feeling more, and not just sight. You guys help me write so much better. Thanks for all your help!

-Unicorn nerd.
  








Pain is filtered in a poem so that it becomes finally, in the end, pleasure.
— Mark Strand