Young Writers Society

Dax's eyes slowly opened, the fogginess blurring his vision. A suddened swarm of smells flew through his nose, fighting for attention. Steril metal. Sweat. Disinfectant. Vomit. Animal dander. The 17 year old boy's vision slowly cleared. A piercing scream from a few yards away made him jump, causing him to bang his head with a loud thump. The scream turned to a strange gurgling noise, a cross between sobbing, choking, and an inhuman wimper. The sound slowly lessened to a more restrained sniffling. 

     Dax shook his head nervously and sat up. A sharp pain shot down his back, making him gasp. He had been sleeping on a hard metal floor with only a thin blanket, bairly worthy of being used for a tissue. He looked around quickly and suddenly realized he was in a cage.  There was a dish of what looked like dog food next to him, along with a mug full of room temperature tap water. There was a bucket in the far corner. Dax realized with a disgusted look over the side that it was for his "waste products." the cage was just large enough that he could sit up, and long enough to lay on the floor with his legs slightly bent. Beside him was another cage, then another, then another. The same arangement was also in front and on the other side of him.

     To his right was a boy, maybe fourteen-years-old.  To his left was an empty cage that looked like it had been lived in. He looked over at the boy again. He hurriedly tapped the side of his cage to get his attention. 

"Hey! Hey you! Where am I?" 

     The boy looked over and raised an eyebrow.

"In a cage, idiot." he smiled with a fake sweet smile. Dax grunted. He shifted, looking around a bit, worriedly 

"That's not what I mean and you know it."

     The boy sighed.
 "Alright you got me, you got me. We're actually on an alien spaceship and we're being used as cattle."

     Dax gave him an evil eye. He was getting fed up with this stupid kid.

"Listen, you little smart mouth, I asked you a question and I want it answered. Now you can tell me, or I'll just ask someone else!"

   The boy just raised his hands as if in protection. 

"Alright, alright! Jeeze, ya have a little fun and some guy goes crazy on ya... Look, no one really knows where we are.  We just wake up here, then the thugs take us. When we come back, we're half animal."

"Stop it! Just tell me where I am!" Dax was sure he would strangle this kid if there wasn't a mesh wall between them.

"That's the truth!"

"Oh yeah? Then why aren't YOU half animal?"

"I am! I can shape shift!"

"Oh yeah? Prove it!"

"I would but it really hurts."

"Ha! I knew it. Just tell me the truth!"

The boy growled in frustration. And then something happened. Hair began to grow from the boy's skin. His ears lengthened and thinned out. He grew a long brown tail. And then, in place of the boy was a brown mutt.

"How-" Dax's eyes grew large. He backed up in his cage, afraid for his life. So he was really telling the truth? Dax Blinked and leaned forward, stretching out his hand. He reached his fingers trough the bars and touched the dogs brown fur. It was dirty and matted, like a dog on the streets.

The dogs face twisted with pain and let put a loud yelp and a stifled wimper. Dax quickly pulled his hands away, knocking his elbow on the cage. The boy slowly reverted back to human. He was panting like crazy and he groaned in pain.

     Dax sat with his back against the cage and put his head in his hands. He couldn't believe where he was. That's it! It's a dream. A nightmare. He'll just wake up in the morning and everything will be fine and dandy. Aw, who was he kidding! He was in a living Hell and he knew it. 

The boy caught his breath and looked over at Dax.

"Believe me now?""

"Yeah." Dax's eyes began to water as panic set in. He pulled his knees in to his chest. This isn't happening. This isn't happening. This is happening.

    There was a clang to the right of him, then the skeeeEEEEE thump! of a door closing. 

"Speak of the devil."

     Two men in long white cloaks came in, carrying a large portable cage that must way a ton. They had a handle each, opposite of each other to share the weight. The came straight for Dax's cage he began to get worried that the men were coming for him, to take him to the changing room. 

    Dax let out a sigh of relief as the men opened to door of the cage next to him, opening the now open carrying cage up to it. A girl crawled out of it, into the cage. She had long mouse brown hair with side swipe bangs. Her green eyes shown brightly in hatred and exhaustion. Freckles dotted her cheeks and nose (A slightly pointy one that stick out a bit.) She was panting and struggling to claw and grab the hands that were closing the cage door. 

    She sat on the floor, her arms crossed and her eyebrows knitted together. She realized my presents and looked up at Dax with pity. Then the men grabbed him.

Wow... Well, I do like where you're going with the story so far. It is somewhat original, and it sounds decent so far. The grammar and spelling can be improved much, though. The ending is dramatic, but slightly confusing. I had to read the ending twice to understand it, but even then, I understood that the girl in he cage grabbed him.

Red should be taken out.
Blue has been changed.
Green has been added.
Pink is spelling changes.
Grey is notes.


Dax's eyes slowly opened, the fogginess blurring his vision. A suddened swarm of smells flew through his nose, all fighting for attention. Sterile metal. Sweat. Disinfectant. Vomit. Animal dander. The 17-year-old boy's vision slowly cleared. A piercing scream from a few yards away made him jump, causing him to bang his head with a loud thump. The scream turned into (to is acceptable, but into is somewhat more natural) a strange gurgling noise, a cross between sobbing, choking, and an inhuman wimper. The sound slowly lessened to a more restrained sniffling.

Dax shook his head and sat up. A sharp pain shot down his back, making him groan. He had been sleeping on a hard metal floor with only a thin blanket, barely worthy of being used for a tissue. He looked around and suddenly realized he was in a cage. There was a dish of what looked like dog food next to him, along with a mug full of room temperature tap water. There was a bucket in the far corner. Dax realized with a disgusted look over the side that it was for his "waste products." The cage was just tall enough so that he could sit up, and long (possibly use "wide" instead?) enough to lay on the floor with his legs slightly bent. Beside him was another cage, then another, then another. The same arangement was also in front and in back of him.

To his right was a boy, maybe fourteen-years-old. To his left was an empty cage that looked like it had been lived in. He looked over at the boy again. He tapped the side of his cage to get his attention.

"Hey! Hey you! Where am I?"

The boy looked over and raised an eyebrow.

"In a cage, idiot." he smiled with a fake sweet smile. Dax grunted.

"That's not what I mean and you know it."

The boy sighed.

"Alright you got me, you got me. We're actually on an alien spaceship and we're being used as cattle."

Dax gave him an evil eye. He was getting fed up with this stupid kid.

"Listen, you little smart mouth, I asked you a question and I want it answered. Now you can tell me, or I'll just ask someone else!" (This line makes Dax seem older than 17.)

The boy just raised his hands as if in protection.

"Alright, alright! Jeeze, ya have a little fun and some guy goes crazy on ya... Look, no one really knows where we are. Every one just calls it the experiment building. We're in the animal pens, or AP, or just pens. Pretty soon you'll be taken to the changing rooms, where all the magic happens. Then down the hall's the breeding stock, the play park, and the dump."

"I'm a little confused... What do all those nick-names mean?"

The boy sighed as if he'd said it fifty times already. He talked really slow as if Dax was mentally challenged.

"We're in cages, right? Well the room where the cages are kept was named "animal pen" because they treat us like animals. The changing room is where you get your surgery. You'll find out soon enough about that. The breeding stock is where they take the ones around ages 20-30. Sometimes they take 'em as early as 18. That's where they test genetics, to see if we pass down our specific traits in different conditions. The play park is where they test our 'abilities.' They put us on insane obstical courses, wicked mazes, some times they even sick the tracker-beasts on us."

"Tracker-beasts?"

"Experiments gone wrong. They get caught in the middle, instead of human or animal. They have scales or fur or feathers, wicked sharp teeth, and noses that can smell you from a mile away. Literally. You get one on your tail, and you'll never get away alive. And last and certainly least, the dump. This is where the toughs (what does this mean?) all the poor souls who aren't fit for surviving this crap hole and kick the bucket."

Dax sat with his back against the cage. He couldn't believe where he was. That's it! It's a dream. A nightmare. He'll just wake up in the morning and everything will be fine and dandy. Aw, who was he kidding! He was in a living hell (unless you're referring to the actual Christian Hell and not a metaphorical place of torment, it's not capitalized.) and he knew it. He had one more question.

"Hey kid!"

"I'm sick of answering your stupid questions! And don't call me kid! How old are you anyways?"

"I just have one last question. And I'm seventeen."

"Fine. Ask away. And you're only two years older than me."

"What kind of experiments do they do here?"

"They turn us into shifters."

"Shape shifters?"

"Did I mumble?"

"But...." that's impossible. (Taking off the quotes does not make it a thought)

"Hey dude, I thought it was impossible too, the day I came here."

"Does everyone have telepathy too?"

"Naw, just me."

Dax could see the boy was toying with him.

"It's what everyone thinks on their first day. Then the white coats come in and do their magical surgery, then poof! You're a believer."

There was a clang to the right of him, then the skeeeEEEEE thump! of a door closing.

"Speak of the devil."

Two men in long white cloaks came in, carrying a large portable cage that weighted a lot. They each had a handle, opposite of each other to share the weight. They came straight for Dax's cage. He began to get worried that the men were coming for him, to take him to the changing room.

Dax let out a sigh of relief as the men opened to door of the cage next to him, opening the now open carrying cage up to it. A beautiful girl crawled out of it, into the cage. She had long hair with side-swipe bangs the color of milk chocolate. Her green eyes shone brightly in hatred and exhaustion. Freckles dotted her cheeks and nose like sprinkles on ice-cream. She was panting and struggling to claw and grab the hands that were closing the cage door.

She sat on the floor, her arms crossed and her eyebrows knitted together. She realized my presence and looked up at me with pity. Then the hands grabbed me.

Thanks for reviewing, firt of all. Second of all, it's not the girl who grabs him. It's the men in white coats. Read the next chapter. I'm working on it. It'll explain it more.

Hey Unicorn! Here to review as requested. ^^

First thing's first - I don't know if I love this or like it or if it's just... okay quite yet. Why? Because you have some interesting points, a few hooks - you got into the story and the plot right away and the writing was decent. But in all honesty, I'm thinking that the story moved a little too fast. And we know way, way too much about what's going on in the first chapter for my likings. Then again, that could be just me - I like vague.

We officially know way too much - you told us pretty much everything right smack in the first chapter: What the operation is about, what he's doing there, you learned about the 'mistakes'... You learned almost everything. I'm guessing that this is probably going to have a bit of an adventure or a thriller/mystery aspect to it as well as sci-fi... but the thing about that genre is that you can't tell the reader everything in the first chapter. You have to leave some of it, so that your reader has a few questions, and will read on to see how they're answered.

Another thing that bothered me was how Dax was told everything right away - without restraint. Even if the other character knows everything and Dax obviously doesn't pose any threats, etc... they sounded so... at ease when they were talking. They're both a bit too nonchalant about the entire thing - and it bothered me. You need to take some time and take out some of the information that you gave, drag it out through the novel.

Now, I would take the space here to ramble about your characters, but this will probably be short. I don't know a whole lot about them - for now they just seem like two teenage guys having a [fairy at-ease] conversation about being poked and prodded and forcibly bred to create super-human shape shifters. There was nothing in particular that stood out about them, for now they both seem pretty average. Which I suppose is okay, since this is only the first chapter.

The only other character that I'm figuring will mean something later on in the story is the girl - who is apparently beautiful. I don't know anything about her right now, but I will warn you of something in advance: It's okay if she's beautiful, but there are a few traits that can be put on top of that which would make her a Mary-Sue. (Mary-Sues are bad, if you were wondering. xD) Don't make her beautiful, physically strong, feisty, smart (or flat out dumb), and emotionally strong all at once. It'll lead you straight to Mary-Sue territory, and that's a place an author should stay away from.

You seem to have a decent plot going for you - but you jump into it too quickly. Leave us some mystery and things will be a little better.

Keep Writing,
~~Ish.

P.S. : I momentarily forgot this, but you went from third to first person in the last paragraph.... just thought I'd point that out. oo"

Thanks for all the imput guys! It helps alot!

Hey Unicorn! Love the username. So, are you into a lot of unicorn ficiton? I haven't read any, and I hope I find a decent book with good characters in it.



I have couple of things to mention, but before I do, I would like to tell you that I really liked the 'idea' of the story, and at some points this piece was at its pinnacle, but sadly there were only two-three such points. The story in itself is really nice, but not something very different, but I won't jump on to any conclusions since it's just the beginning. Although I would like to mention that it's been a lot of times we've read or seen movies where poor people, or some helpless ones are dragged to some high-fi scientific labaroatry where they are tested upon for various things. And what happens is also very stereotypical. The guy would get the prettiest girl in the end, and they'd together fight the whole system, along with a new friend he has made. It's been shown a lot of times, me thinks. But I'd still let you slip with it, and work on other aspects so that this has some different element which we like.

The part where you have him discovering he's in a cage needs dramatization. I don't want trumpets to blow, maidens dancing and all that stuff, but what I mean is that if I would have woken up amongst a gaggle of cages, I would have surely been in a panic. If I were him, then I would have taken the trouble to be puzzled, to be flustered and worried. It's very weird that he just gets up, notices some odd thigns around him and asks this guy about where he is. Sure, he would do all that, but before that there should be some questioning on his part, from himself, and some other thoughts. Don't you think so?

Just imagine him to be you and the reaction you'd have had if you were him. If it had been you waking up in some freaky place, how would you have reacted? Would there be any pain somewhere?(it would be crazy if there isn't). Would you wanna shout or run away? It's not necessary that you should write whatever you would have done exactly the same for your character, too. You might be a strong person and your character is a timid one. So before apllying this method you have to be sure that you and your character do have a nearly same personality. But I think, in situations like these, anyone can turn hysterical, so you have to even think and know where to use what.


Coming to the reactions again, I'd like to emphasise that I really felt that this guy was emotionless. It seemed that he had already been experimented upon. The reason? There was nothing that I could call emotion. Be it waking up in some strange area, cobbled up with cages, or seeing the two scientists. It was all dull on his part. Only two times have you mentioned him being scared. To be honest, and, the guy deserves much more fear than what he's been credited with. Just keep a good eye on the reactions since they'd hold real importance. Why? Mainly because the readers would like to place themselves in the shoes of the characters, and feel the panic or the crisis of the situation they all are living in. I know you can work on this since you've got a decent story till now. Best of luck with it.

I thought I might gtive you a tid-bit example of how I would have written the reactions or his fear(if, any) had this been my story. I don't expect you to agree with me on it, but I would just like to help you out and let you know how you could probably have showed him. Also, remember, I'm terrible myself at writing, so I could be wrong, but at least you'd have some idea.

If I were you: As his vision slowly returned, and his atmosphere became limpid clear to him, his heart gave out a lurch. A sudden drowsiness accompanied with claustrophobia grasped him, and he couldn't wait to get out. Beyond him, to his right, to his left, everywhere his eyes raced and his head turned to, all he could see were cages like his running in a line. At first, he thought of screaming, but as senses returned to him, he managed to get hold of one of the cage's bar and sobbed slowly.

The problem with my writing would surely be that I did a lot of fear, and maybe the person might seem a girl to the readers, but I just wanted to show you a way of showing the character. Everything depends on you, and please don't get inspired wiht my horrifying writing.


My next point might be a total waste, but there was a feeling within me that you have a hard time with dialogs. Not dialogs as in the exact part of them, but somewhere I found that even though your dialog grammar, the word in themselves are clear, we still don't get the feel of the mannerism they've been spoken in. And that you know. Then you try to work on it, which becomes kind of artificial. The reason I can pin-point this is from the fact that even I have the same problem. Like here:

"I'm a little confused... What do all those nick-names mean?" The boy sighed as if he'd said it fifty times already.

You know sighing is something spread all over the story when it comes to the boys dialog. It was kind of irritating to read him sighing more than once. I just felt that using the actions a lot of time you were attempting to pain the picture for us, but I just didn't see it through.

The other problem with your dialog was that mostly they seemed to be kind of too immature. Like when Dax begins the conversation by "hey, hey you!" I don't know but it just seemed kind of weird for him to say 'hey, hey you." I don't know, it just might be me making a fuss about it, but I would still advice you to work a bit more on your dialog writing. I know it has a lot of potential to improve and you'd work on that, too.

As Isha said in the end, I was too confused with your sudden change of voice. It was third person the whole time and in the end you left us with that 'me' element. I don't know if it's a mistake, but if that was on purpose then you surely have me intrigued till the next chapter. I like the idea of showing everything in third persona at first and then throwing a new character at us in an unique fashion. But something in the way it was written tells me that that was a mistake, and not some wonderfulr revelation's first part. I hope you do figure that out.

To be honest, you have a lot of thrill to throw at us. These kind of stories are fun to write and as well read. You have a wide scope of possibilites to show, and even wider scope of techniques to show it with. You can keep us in suspense the whole time, write it with a scientific temper and to cut the long story short-you need to intrigue us. From what I read now, it seemed average, and judging by the ideas you have, I really believe that you can develop it into something much more than just 'average'. Another thing is that this was a short chapter. When you re-write it or go on for a heavy editing, I'd like you to add couple of more things and make this a bit longer. Don't add unnecessary details, but it would sweet of you to drag the scenes, to make everything read like it's happening in front of us.

In the end, I'd like to just say that this was a good read, can be better. The fun ideas you had with the changing rooms and animal pen really interested me, and I can't wait for these things to develop and for you to throw more such things at us. I'd be delighted to find you make this a wonderful imagination. I am sorry if I sounded harsh, but I just felt that this needs a bit improvising.

Keep Writing, and PM or post on my wall for any help/advice/discussion. I'd be happy to help you out.

~Shrubs

Hey there, Unicorn! Sorry it took me a while to get to reviewing these but I’m here now so…YAY?!

The first thing I want to point out right off the bat is that he’s sitting up (head hit and all) by the end of the first paragraph. And then in the second paragraph, he sits back up while he’s already sitting up. I’m assuming that when he hit his head, he fell back but tell the reader that.

She sat on the floor, her arms crossed and her eyebrows knitted together. She realized my presents and looked up at me with pity. Then the hands grabbed me.

This is the biggest thing I have to point out. The entire chapter is told from third person point of view but this last paragraph is in first person. It’s a big rule to never ever switch from third to first or first to third because you can really confuse your readers that way.

Another thing that got to me was Drax bringing up of the question of whether everyone has telepathy too. There’s no mention of telepathy until this point so when it’s brought up, I was really just like, WHAT? because it was very out of the blue.

You’re dialogue did feel a little forced but I do like that you used dialogue to explain the “pens” and all of those locations which is something I always recommend when people are writing this sort of story and revealing information. Dialogue is the cleanest way to do it. But your dialogue is a little stiff and it feels forced so you should definitely put some extra time into working on writing your dialogue.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall.

~lilymoore

Hey! I'm a huge fan of science fiction, so I've read a lot of it. Your story has some uniqueness to it though, at least. I think there was maybe too much explanation given for it to be the first chapter. In my opinion, the first chapter has to draw the reader in so that they want to read more. While I do want to read more of Dax's story, I think you owe it to the more skeptical readers to leave them hanging, and draw them in with a little more vagueness.

One thing you definitely need to watch is your spelling. The other reviews have highlighted all of your mistakes. Even running a simple spell-check on Microsoft Word will catch a great deal of these mistakes, but you should read over your writing because you sometimes had the right word, but spelled it the wrong way (ie. 'waited' v. 'weighted')

Overall I think you did a good job. I can't wait to read more of what happens to Dax, and I was intrigued by the girl!

Thanks for the reviews guys! they really helped and I took the into consideration when I re wrote it. They helped it alot. Thank you for helping me with this. I feel like it's sound much better. For those of you who read the chapter already, you'll notice that I got rid of half of the information, sense most of you commented that I gave away too much. So now.I've changed the info in my head do it'll be a surprise for every one. I'm still working on fixing the second and making the third. Keep giving me feedback!


~Unicorn Nerd

Okay, I read this a couple months back and liked it, so I today decided to check and see if you'd written any more. I was totally surprise by all the changes you'd made but really think your story has improved alot due to them. I was happy to find chaper 3 at the end of chapter 2 but almost missed it 'cause I was just doing a quick skim over of it. You might want to put chapter 3 in its own seperate spot. As a whole, this was great. I think Ryan's dialogue was realistic and amusing. I really like his character.
I only noticed one thing I didn't like;

The boy growled in frustration and then something happened. Hair began to grow.....

My problem with this is the 'then something to happened'. Bleh. You can do better then that. The reader doesn't need you to tell tham something's happening, they need you to show them.
Try writing something like this; The boy growled with frustration then closed his eyes, a look of concentration on his features. Dex's eyes widened as he watched hair begin to grow.....
I did spot a couple typos.

touched the *dogs brown fur

*dog's.

She realized *my presents

Believe you meant to write *Dex. But that makes it sound a little weird so you might just put, She noticed Dex.
Well, I'm going to follow you and look forward to your next post of this story.
Later. ~DG