Young Writers Society

I swear my chest was going to explode.
Sweat was dripping down my forhead into my eyes making it hard to see. My leg muscles were cramping, begging for me to stop.
the door. where's the door?Fixing my eyes on the girl in front of me, i willed myself faster, leaves and branches tugging my body and whipping my face.
thump thump
Behind me, i heard their rasping breathing, ever so slowly cathing up to me.
A small cry escaped from my lips.
The girl in front of me looked back at my cry and her eyes widened in fear. Not noticing the stick in front of her, she tripped, landing with a thud of the leaf covered ground.
please, please! Help me!
Anguish ripped through my heart as i ran past her, her wide eyes desperate, as she struggled to get up.
please...
They were behind me.
They were going to get me if i stop.
I made it this far and there's no way i'm stoping now.
I heard their wierd robotic gurgling sounds as they pounced upon the girl.
A scream pierced the air, followed by another, and another, slowly getting weaker and weaker as i ran farther and farther away.
A twinge of guilt lingered in my belly. I wondered maybe if i did have the time to help the girl.
Doesn't matter now
Shaking my head, i ran on, keeping my eyes wide for a door.
The door. The way out of this horid place. Maybe to somewhere safe. Maybe...back home.
My heart ached to be back home. Back home with my mother and father. If i wasn't running away from stange robotic creatures, I would probably be curled up in a ball underneath a tree, crying.
Irritation and anger surged through my body.
I never wanted to be here. I didn't even know how i got here.
I just woke up in this crazy world and starting looking for doors for a way out

Hello and welcome to YWS!

First, you need to capitalize your 'I's.

Second, this really does not read like the prologue to a novel. It looks more like a jumble of ideas.

Corrections are in red. Comments are in blue.

I swear my chest is going to explode. Sweat dripped down my forehead into my eyes making it hard to see. My leg muscles were cramping, begging for me to stop.
The door. where's the door? I put this in italics because I assume it is the MC's thought?
Fixing my eyes on the girl in front of me, I willed myself to run faster. What girl? This seems very random you might want to elaborate. Leaves and branches tugged my body and whipped my face.
thump thump This does not make much sense right here.
Behind me,I heard their rasping breathing, ever so slowly catching up to me. A small cry escaped from my lips.
The girl in front of me looked back at my cry and her eyes widened in fear. Not noticing the stick in front of her, she tripped, landing with a thud of the leaf covered ground.Here again a little bit more description on what is going on would be preferred.
"Please, please! Help me!" Make sure you put your characters speech in " ".
Anguish ripped through my heart as I ran past her, her wide eyes desperate, as she struggled to get up.
"Please..."
They were behind me. They were going to get me if I stopped . I made it this far and there's no way I'm stopping now.
I heard their weird robotic gurgling sounds as they pounced upon the girl.
A scream pierced the air, followed by another, and another, slowly getting weaker and weaker as I ran farther and farther away. A twinge of guilt lingered in my belly. I wondered if I had had the time to help the girl.
It doesn't matter now. Shaking my head, I ran on, keeping my eyes wide for a door.
At last I saw the door, the way out of this horrid place. Maybe it led to somewhere safe. Maybe...back home.
My heart ached to be back home. Back home with my mother and father. If I wasn't running away from strange robotic creatures, I would probably be curled up in a ball underneath a tree, crying.This does not make much sense. Perhaps try to elaborate a little here as well.
Irritation and anger surged through my body. I never wanted to be here. I don'teven know how I got here. Watch your tenses! Use either past or present but do not switch back and forth. I just woke up in this crazy world and started looking for doors, for a way out!

If you have any questions feel free to pm me.

Keep writing,
~FW~

First of all, isn't it spelled 'prologue', not 'prolouge' Always remember to proofread.

"Sweat was dripping down my forhead into my eyes making it hard to see" Forehead. Comma after eyes.

Some issues with missing capitalization and spaces...

"their rasping breathing, ever so slowly cathing up to me." 'rasping breathing' sounds a bit odd, due to the -ing -ing. Change rasping to raspy? Also, 'catching.'

Some tense issues... Make sure everything is consistently past tense or present tense, one or the other.

Some spelling errors, or typos...

Is there raspy breathing or robotic gurgling? Those are two very different sounds, my friend...

"I never wanted to be here. I didn't even know how i got here.
I just woke up in this crazy world and starting looking for doors for a way out." That last line sounds a little strange. Did he wake up and automatically go, 'Door! Door in a forest! I'm surrounded by nothing but trees, but there must be a door somewhere! 8o "
Because if he did, that might be fine. But perhaps you could make that more clear, like... "I just woke up in this crazy world, with the knowledge that someplace, somewhere, there was a door that would take me home."

When did the girl and the robotic(?) things show up?

I think you've done a lot of things right here... Running from the beast gives us urgency, and so does his quest to find a door. We may not know anything about the character yet, but the hook is still strong enough to make me keep reading, I think. Him running past the girl shows how urgent and potentially deadly this whole place is, and the revelation that he has no idea how he got here is another thing that would make me keep reading to figure out what happens (once you fix that last line, that is. ).

So, at least in catching my attention, you did good.

Unfortunately, there were so many distracting little errors that kept pulling me out of the piece (basic things that you probably could catch just by going through it a few times, or having a friend/family member look it over for you) that it made it a lot harder for me to enjoy the prologue itself.

When even your title is misspelled, you're going to have some pretty disgruntled readers. :/

Proofread, proofread, proofread. Run it past spell check, AND another set of eyes. Revise anything storywise that you need to at the same time.

And then tell me when the cleaned up version is done, because I'd like to see where you take this. :]

Keep writing! ^^

Wow. Creepy! 0o Good. Maybe should be in horror? I don't know, I'm bad with reviews... Have a good day!
-IKnowAll