Young Writers Society

I originally posted this as a short story, but people were saying I should make it longer, so here it is. The action won't start for a couple of chapters, so check sci-fi short stories if you are the impatient type. I'll PM you to tell you when I post the next chapter if you leave a comment.

Book One: Rise and Fall of an Empire
Chapter One: A City of Dreams

A City of Dreams

I looked out across the scenery spread before me. The city gave way abruptly to a field, which in turn became an ancient forest. McDave had become a very modern city in the fourteen years I grew up in. My mother yearned for the traditional architecture of her childhood, but I found the sleek, luminous structures enchanting. I never dreamt I would see this place as ruins filled with nightmares.
Starting down the hill, I searched for a bouquet of wildflowers to appease my mother's justified wrath at my coming home late. Dandelions? Forget it. Clovers? Nah. White trilliums? There's a start. Azaleas! Mother's favorite flower.
Peace offering in hand, I ran to our HabiCell™ on the third floor of HabiComplex™ G-8. One thing I never did like about life in a metropolis; you always felt like a number. Each home was identical to the one above, below, beside and across the hall from your's. Likewise, each HabiComplex™ was identical to every other one within the city. The buildings' white shells were beautiful to look at from the outside, but once inside, you became acutely aware that each HabiCell™ was mass-produced and fit into the curving walls of the complex.
When I arrived halfway through dinner, I plucked the wilting scarlet roses from their vase in the center of the table and replaced them with my wildflowers. Mother seemed equally as unaffected as Father.
"Where were you, Jacob?" She called after me as I slipped off to the bathroom to wash my grimy hands.
"Grant's hill."
"Why?" Came Father's deep voice.
"Sight seeing."
"What about your homework?" Mother asked as I flopped into my chair between my father and my sister.
I swallowed a mouthful of macaroni and cheese before answering, "None today."
"Oh really?" Her suspicion was evident. I tossed her my school flash pod, and the holo-screen was devoid of assignments when it was generated.
"That's no excuse to go waltzing about the countryside, though." Father said when my honesty was confirmed.
"'Mm sorry." I mumbled through a mouthful of buttered roll.
My sister Elisabeth broke the resentful silence that followed by inquiring, "Did you hear the news?"
"Apparently not." I said,"What news?"
"An international research team led by doctor Clarkeson developed a method for editing DNA! Just think of the lives that will be saved!" She gushed. My sister didn't get excited about the rock stars and boy friends that most of the other girls in her class did, in fact, she didn't usually get excited at all. She was far more thoughtful, and things like this excited her.
"Wow. What're they gonna do with it?" I couldn't hide my curiosity completely.
"Nothing yet." Her voice became quieter,"Everything has been delayed because so many nations have a claim on the technology."
"Typical." Growled Father. "Thousands will have died needlessly of cancer by the time they figure things out, I shouldn't wonder." He proceeded to criticize every active govern system for the rest of dinner and most of dessert.
Afterwards Elisabeth managed to talk Mother into letting me accompany her down to the rec dome. Mother has such a soft spot for her.
Each HabiComplex™ had three identical greenhouse-like structures, dubbed 'rec domes' separate from the various conservatories. Here there are various courts, fields, and other sports equipment. The temperature was always like spring. There was very little space outside for athletic activities, so they tended to be crowded.
We took a leisurely stroll through one of the conservatories (The long way.) to meet my friends. We played volleyball, my sister's forte, with Alexander and Carl 'til about ten minutes before bedtime. Carl played a lame game, and he knew it, but that was more than made up for by Alexanders competitive spirit.
Carl and my sister were oblivious, but I knew he played only so that he could beat me. We vied for top in math and robotics, and he seemed determined to beat me in everything-right down to enunciation. Alexander definitely proved himself better than me, but my sister's fleet feet and expertise won most of the matches for us.
We returned to our HabiCell about thirty seconds before 'late'.
"So what else did you hear about the DNA breakthrough?" I asked from the door to my room across the hall from hers shortly before I went to sleep.
"Well, it sounds like they have plans to develop genetically-engineered organisms for agriculture." She said, throwing her head to get her chocolate brown hair out of her chocolate brown eyes. I envisioned a Thanksgiving turkey with six or eight legs, enough for all of the extended family. Maybe a cow that gave chocolate milk? I must have been hungry.
"Goodnight, Big Brother." She said softly as she hugged me.
"Goodnight, Sis." I said, returning her embrace.

I think this was written beautifully, your choice of words were appropriate and struck me as realistic because I'm pretty lame on science but you knew what you were talking about which makes it believable and something that grasps my attention.
Your protagonist also had character within this first chapter, they had their own voice which is something that you need to get sorted straight away, and you did it!
please let me know when the second chapter is up

I think if I picked this book up in a store and started reading it, that I would end up buying it. The way you wrote just seemed like a real author's writing to me. I thought this was really great so far and the way you describe the science is so realistic, like you would really learn it in school. I liked your word choice and I couldn't find any grammer issues.

"She said, throwing her head to get her chocolate brown hair out of her chocolate brown eyes," was the only sentence that struck a nerve with me because you repeated 'chocolate brown' twice in this sentence. Elisabeth's eyes/hair may be chocolate brown but you need to substitute chocolate brown with other descripttive words because it will lose it's effect. Or instead of telling us her eyes are chocolate eyes you could show that they are.

Other than that small detail, your story was absolutely amazing! Please tell me when you have the next chapter posted.

You did an amazing job with establishing the scenery right away. That is really important in a novel, as well as establishing characters, which you seemed to do well, especially with his sister. You made the science easy to understand, which is also not easy to do, so job very well done. Bravo!