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Change and Survival: The Experiments' Story- Chapter 6



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Wed May 18, 2011 2:41 am
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Silverdragon150 says...



Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapters 2+3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5


~Chapter 6~

She woke with a start. She had had nightmares, terrible nightmares, about what the Scientists could do to Faith. They could rip her apart. Cause her excruciating pain. They could shatter her memory, her past. Hope stopped, refusing to think about it anymore. She was in her room, on her bed. Faith’s bed was still cold and empty, across the room. Silver was standing over her anxiously.
“Hope! Are you okay?” Her face was filled with concern, concern for her friend and second in command.
“Silver.” She gasped. “They got Faith. She fell, and they took her away…” She squeezed her eyes shut with the realization that simply wishing couldn't get her best friend back. “She’s gone… They got her…”
“I know. You told me.” Silver tried to calm her down. “Are you okay? You fell and blacked out.”
“I’m fine. I got a little of the fluid from a dart, but I made it back.” She tries to clear her head. “Poor Faith…” Her sadness turned to rage. “If they hurt her, they will regret it…”

Faith woke with a start. She had been having a terrible nightmare…
There was a net around her. She gripped it; It was fine, close, and definitely real. She inhaled sharply. Unfortunately, not a nightmare. She was being dragged on the ground in the net. Her wings were pinched against her back in the fine mesh, making her practically incapable of movement. She sighed. They dropped her, and one cried out. “Look, it’s awake!” She recovered herself from being dropped. Uh oh, not good. Not good at all. She quick tried to thrust her wings out, but it only caused the net to pull tighter around her. One of the white-coats stepped on her wings, pinning them down. She looked up- he had a syringe filled with a clear liquid, with a long needle. She tried to scream, but because of the pressure on her back it came out more as a very high-pitched squeaky noise. She grit her teeth as she pushed against the ground, but the net would allow little movement. She tried to uproot his foot by pulling the netfrom under it, but his pressure remained constant. She glanced up again, only to see him smirking.
"Good night." Faith knew that smirk would never leave her. Even with her grasp on the situation, it was all she could do from passing out from sheer fear as he injected the fluid into her. She immediately lost all will to remain conscious, and, try as she might, the only thing she could do when the guy stepped off her was drag her wings back into a folded up position on her back before she was dragged in to the darkness again. As a last show of defiance, she flexed her fingers around the net and swore to herself that she would not have been caught in vain. She couldn't let that happen. She would survive.
For Hope.

Hope stood overlooking the clearing, where people were chatting and acting as if nothing had happened.
“I heard what happened.”
She almost started as Merlin appeared behind her. Almost.
“I’m really sorry.” He moved so he was right beside her.
“Don’t be. You couldn’t have done anything about it.” She tried to keep from snapping at him.
You don’t know that… He sighed. “If I was there, I would’ve tried to help. I know she was your best friend.”
“Was? Was? What’s all this was business?” She turned to face him. “She still is.”
Basically, she refuses to think that Faith’s dead. Good for her. Merlin stuck his hands into his pockets and just stared out across the clearing. Silence; until he broke it. “About the other day… I know what I said about Silver was… no, is wrong. But everything else is true. Your wings are a beautiful display of power when you fly.” He stopped and walked away before muttering under his breath almost unintelligibly, “And I… I…” He was caught by a breeze and drifted into the shadows of a tall oak tree. "I can't- not- ..." He glanced back to where Hope sat on the platform, her arms curled around her knees, wallowing in the silence of a living nightmare. He may never have the words to say, or the courage to use them.
Last edited by Silverdragon150 on Tue Jun 07, 2011 3:35 am, edited 2 times in total.
something something dragons something something open to conversation
Been quiet for a couple years, we'll see how this one goes.
  





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Mon Jun 06, 2011 8:51 pm
megsug says...



Hey,
Remember me? I apologize for my horrendous display of procrastination and busyiness. I've finally got around to your chapter.
Well, this little short chapter should have been read long ago. I like the desperation/depression/anger of Hope, and Merlin's show of modesty, admiting he was wrong.

She squeezed her eyes shut as the realization hit her of what she had just said.
She already knows about Faith. I would say something more along the lines of the possibility of getting Faith back.

Silver tries to calm you down.
I assume you meant "Silver triED to calm HER down."

It was fine and close, and definitely real.
No comma needed.

They dropped her, and one cried out. “Look, it’s awake!”
I would either switched these two clauses or change and to as since they wouldn't drop her unless they had a reason to and their only reason would be because she was awake. Also, period after out should be a comma.

She knew her cover was blown.
She wasn't trying to act like she was asleep, so she didn't have a cover.

she was dragged in by the darkness again.
I think that by should be a to.

Spoiler! :
I was really hoping for more from the section above. It seemed a little anticlamatic. I wanted a fight and anger. I got a character who gave up almost immeadiately and seemed pretty indifferent, not even extremely scared as I would be.


You don’t know that… He sighed.
I'm a little confused. Did Merlin have something to do with Faith's kidnapping?
I mean, that would be awesome, but you can't tell exactly.


He glanced back to where Hope now sat on the platform
I didn't think she had moved.


Alright, so part of Merlin's little talk with Hope made me think Aww... He's kinda sweet beneath his annoyingness. I am afraid his impending relationship with Hope is too obvious. I think there should be some huge twist like a huge betrayal or something. You do what you want, just keep that in mind.
Um... That's it for the negative.
The positive...
Well, I told you some of it at the top. I like how you're jumping from character to character now. It opens the story up a little. I can't wait to see where this is going. Hopefully, you'll still post since I'll be more responisble because summer's fast approaching.
I apologize for the wait again,
Megsug
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Tue Jun 07, 2011 2:38 am
Silverdragon150 says...



Thanks! I updated it, fixing things you suggested. Tell me: does it read better now? I'll post the next chapter soon!
something something dragons something something open to conversation
Been quiet for a couple years, we'll see how this one goes.
  








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