Young Writers Society

Okay! So here's the summary of up to this point...

Angel

I was kind of crawling around, although at an extreme speed. My leg was broken, but the natural forces of things here in this universe caused little pressure to it. I always hated the lack of gravity in other worlds, but recently I’d seen how easy it made it to get around. After all, gravity here was but a fraction of the gravity of my home world. World 0, the most sophisticated world we've discovered. My physical abilities were multiplied by 10 in this climate due to the low gravity. For I had evolved in a different world. Because of this, I could walk without crutches. It hurt a lot, but not nearly as much as it would in my universe. I still didn’t want to risk worsening it, so I had decided to travel by left leg and arms. I still traveled faster than I would on my legs in my home world though. I knew that girl was still alive, and she had the pager. I had seen a picture of her holding the pager and the name of some building, that I matched with one that was now before me. If I could get the pager I could contact Storm again. I missed him already. I hadn’t eaten since I’d entered the universe, and had only received water from drinking fountains, which I was unsure on the water quality of. I thought a second, recalling the events of the previous night.

Last night

“BROTHER!” I yelled, and then ran over toward him. Someone snuck up behind me and tried to grab me. I screamed, and ran away as fast as I could. One of them lunged at me, and I jumped up in the air. The moon shined on me, and I felt a sense of freedom. Once I had fallen back down to the tops of the trees, I begun jumping tree to tree, looking down at them occasionally, seeing my attackers running below me, until I didn’t see them for a second. Something was up. But, I didn’t dare stop.

I was on the alert, but then something flew up and hit my leg. I would have clutched my leg like the little girl I am, but then I would have endangered myself, as I was spinning a little. But since I was a logical little girl, I placed these as higher priority that pain. Rather than grabbing my leg, I tried to return to not spinning, circling my arms in the opposite direction of the spin. I landed on the other foot, and but felt no pain there, my other leg had canceled it out. But I’d be okay. I may have a limp for awhile though. I heard muttering, then a gasp of surprise, and people rustling away from where I had fallen. I noticed that I was in the middle of a clearing. Pretty lucky of me. I thought, and sat there for awhile. Then I heard another rustling. A light shined in my eyes, and I couldn’t see, I looked left and right, trying to get the spot from the light out of my vision. Then a human walked over to me... She was holding some kind of light emitting object.

As she walked closer, I walked backwards, every step bringing more and more pain, “Ouch!” I said, “Leave me alone! I didn’t know I didn’t know!” And then I fell over. I looked up, and saw her looking down at me with a look of concern. Why is she worried about me? And why did those other guys leave? I wondered, but loosened up a little. Then I felt the infrared heat from my pager as I received a new message. I took it out of my pocket and instantly opened it without a second thought. It was from Storm, saying: “Get rid of your pager! I’ll keep mine but take out the tracker component in it. I’d take your out if I was there, but wherever you are, toss the pager and run!” I begun to cry, then easily tossed the pager to the center of the clearing. I smelled smoke, panicked, and ran away then, without a hesitation. As I ran, I repeated the same sentence over and over. “Why me!”

Current time

It was then that I heard it, the alarm in the building. A man a ways away from me smiled, pulled out a phone- Wait, not a phone. My eyes grew wide. Why does he have a pager? I wondered. Then saw that girl walking out of the building, toward him. I crawl-sprinted over to them, using all four of my limbs for maximum speed without causing significant damage to my leg. When I got to them, I jumped on the man, and he begun punching and kicking in my direction. I had a strange feeling right now, because, without even needing to think about it, I was dodging his every move, until I could see him about to punch, sidestepped, and pulled his fist in the direction of where I’d been but a moment ago.

“Give me that, and stay here," I said, then, knowing from the look of confusion on her face that she’d not understood me, sighed and ran over to her. I took the pager from her hand, then pointed at her then the ground, indicating for her to stay here. I ran away, and entered the first alley I found, gasping for air. This would be a long day...

Hello! Gheala here! Sorry if I'm too harsh somewhere in the review, but it's for good reasons!
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I was kind of crawling around, although at an extreme speed.

"Kind of crawling" was a little confusing. If it's kind of crawling, then what was it exactly? You know what I mean? Whether omit the "kind of" or choose another way of wording it. Your choice!

I still traveled faster than I would on my legs in my home world though.

New paragraph here.

I had seen a picture of her holding the pager and the name of some building, that I matched with one that was now before me.

I'm thinking a "the" should be written before "one".

I hadn’t eaten since I’d entered the universe, and had only received water from drinking fountains, which I was unsure on the water quality of

-Something is missing here, I suppose. Whether it's "the water quality" without "of", or "the water quality of which". "Quality of" feels as though you're about to add another detail. It made me ask: Of what?

Someone snuck up behind me and tried to grab me.

New paragraph.

I was on the alert, but then something flew up and hit my leg. I would have clutched my leg like the little girl I am, but then I would have endangered myself, as I was spinning a little. But since I was a logical little girl, I placed these as higher priority that pain.

I didn't see the statements like "the logical girl" and "the girl that I am" interesting. I mean, they sort of slowed the action piece.

As she walked closer, I walked backwards, every step bringing more and more pain, “Ouch!” I said, “Leave me alone! I didn’t know I didn’t know!”

Replace the comma with a period before the quotation. I also think it would be better if you write the "Ouch" n a new paragraph.

A man a ways away from me smiled

"a ways away". There must be something wrong here. It doesn't make much sense.

I had a strange feeling right now, because, without even needing to think about it, I was dodging his every move, until I could see him about to punch, sidestepped, and pulled his fist in the direction of where I’d been but a moment ago.

That's a very long sentence. Try to break it down to two sentences at least.
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You need to proofread! There are some mistakes in the structure that could just take a second to fix. Proofreading is just as important as writing.
Also, make sure you don't make your paragraphs that long. Long paragraphs and long sentences could easily distract your reader.
Nevertheless, I think you have a good way in writing action pieces. The movements were clear and they flowed nicely throughout the piece.
Keep practicing, keep posting. Good luck!

Hi again, IKnowAll! (I need to get you a nickname, by the way). I'm back.

Anyway, this is now in reference to my review on the second chapter... Again, I thought your narrator had a good voice. However, I can't hear the difference quite yet between Sage and Angel here. It's not so much that they seem the same as they don't seem different. Something you might want to work then is making sure each voice is distinct. In particular, Angel's perspective could probably be a bit younger with no harm done.

I think Ghaela got all the nitpicky stuff... I echo what she said with making sure to proofread before you post. I know you want to get reviews... but I'm sure you'd also like to get reviews that aren't focused on typos!

All your chapters are quite short. I'm wondering if you couldn't expand on this one in particular. While the first and second part make sense, when you get to Current Time again, I can't follow what's happening. Is the man a human, or is he one of the portal police? How exactly does she find the building? How does she get inside? That section could use with some slowing down. No need to rush it.

But back to your character voices. I'd say that's the main thing for you to work on. Try to pinpoint 7-8 year old girl, pinpoint Sage, pinpoint Storm. You've already got the race pinpointed. I believe that Angel's from a different world because of the words you use and such. It's really quite clever. But extend that further, basically. Listen to a little kid speak and you'll get the idea. Simpler sentences, maybe. More black-and-white distinction between things, it's good or bad. Exaggeration. Etc, etc.

Just take this sentence:

but the natural forces of things here in this universe caused little pressure to it

Imagine that coming out of a little kid's mouth! Granted, she might be a genius. I'd certainly give you smart. But you can make her seem smart--even really freakishly smart--and still make her seem smart. Language use and intelligence don't necessarily mesh anyway.

Basically, the sentence I quoted is super complex. Way more complex than a kid would use. Not to mention, the words are... "big words." Try to put those thoughts into kid terms.

Alternatively... she could not mention it at all, and just figure out that if she walks a certain way, she'll be fine. That'd show us her resourcefulness quite easily.

So, just some ideas for you on how to make it seem like she's talking to the reader in her own separate voice.

Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach