Young Writers Society

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Hey there!:)
I really like your idea here, reminds me of bits from The Hunger Games' Series. The writing is welldone, though there was a few little mistakes that everyone makes. I also like the name you've chosen; Isla.. but I don't know how to pronouce it properly; iz-la, eyes-la..
I really want to read the next chapter! Can't wait:D
-Layla Flame

Thanks! It's pronounced EYE-la

This is something else.

When Mayor Kane raised his eyebrows, still waiting for a response, I licked my lips.

I don't know for sure, but I think I've heard of a Mayor Kane before. It could be just my imagination.

or worse a whipping, I was running out of chances.

You've got a bit of a run-on here. Just g'head and replace that comma with a full stop.

Avery Maddox stood in front of me, one of my friends.

The word order seems a little odd, but maybe it's the norm in future society.

Overall- this has potential energy. Get it? Anyway, keep up the good work.

Thanks for your input! And now thinking about it, that name does sound familiar. I'll have to maybe rework it. Thanks again for reading!!

Ooh, I liked this, mainly because of the tone of Isla's narration. It clipped along and was interesting. I want to see what happens next!

But then again, our relationship was nothing like a brother-sister relationship...

So... why did she just say that he was like a brother to her? Imma confused.

he stopped, looking more furious than I had ever seen him in our year of knowing each other.

Okay, so he went from sort of blowing off her fear to becoming really involved in it in the space of a few sentences. Why the sudden change around? If it is because the Cybrates are really dangerous, then why did he sort of joke about it beforehand? If he really is just joking, why did he suddenly become really furious? I'd say stick with one response or the other and play it through. Maybe have him be joking the whole time? You can have a serious edge to a joke without getting actually angry.

Mmmkay, so I would have liked to have seen a little more of her history with Linx before this. I mean, it all just sort of pops out in one fell info-dump. So we don't have time to really react, or know how Isla is reacting.

I think this is because we haven't seen all this much of Isla as a person yet. We got a nice little glimpse of her relationship with Avery, but as for the rest of the world, all we know is that she gets into trouble sometimes. Beyond that, we haven't seen much of anything. Try giving us a little more time with the characters before we get this big conflict. Let us get attached to them a little, explore the world a little with them, before we get involved with the Cybrates. The conflict doesn't mean anything to us unless we know which side we're supposed to be on. All I see here is a troublemaking girl with a cult-like group of friends torturing an innocent kid. That might very well be the wrong impression, but that's the impression that I got. Take the time to instill some sympathies with a particular character and then the emotion will come when you play with those sympathies.

On to the next chapter! Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

I liked this chapter. The wrods seemed to just flow together. You set us up with a history of the main chracter and a setting for the story. I disagree with gryphonfledgling as he ask for more info and less info dumps. I would rather see the info spread out across the chapters.