Young Writers Society

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Hey-oh! Here from the last chapter! (Incidentally, did you know about our spiffy novel feature? It'd be excellent here to consolidate all the chapters in one easy-to-follow area so the readers can easily find the next chapters as they come out!)

He laughed quietly. “Whether or not we should bother going after another Cybrate: their leader, Onyx.”

Wait, why were they voting on this? This seems like a bit of an info-dump, in that it doesn't really seem to serve any purpose other than to indicate that they are a) going to look for the leader of the Cybrates and b) that his/her name is Onyx. Why are they voting on this, though? I mean, do they have a mission statement in regards to the Cybrates? Are they trying to eliminate them or something? If so, why are they bothering to vote? I would imagine that it was self-evident. What exactly are the Cybrates?

The Occult was all about ending oppression and overthrowing the Sky City government. It was about equality and fair treatment. It was wrong to hold a prisoner like Linx just because he was a Cybrate.

See, this is stuff I would have liked to have seen before this. Spend some time before this talking about the Occult's ideals. Does Isla agree with the Occult before this? Has she been trying to get in for a while? Maybe have her and Avery talk about it before the meeting, like when they were actually setting up the meeting. Obviously she knows a bit about the Occult before she actually joined. Where did she get her information? How did she actually get admitted? What does it feel like to have her illusions shattered like this? Is she heartbroken, like the Occult was her best hope? Or is she just mildly confused, wondering how she could have gotten it mixed up. The lack of emotional connection here made it hard to tell.

“I’m sorry, Isla. I know you think he’s a nice guy but he’s not. He’s sketchy as hell,” Stencer said, his arm still around me.

Again, we haven't spent enough time with these characters for this to really bite. As is, it's just sort of "oh, okay, whatever" as opposed to "wha? what the heck? noooo!" We need to see these characters being friends a bit more. Bonding. We're told that they're really close, that she cares for him, but it's just that... telling. We need to be shown it, to see them getting along in a normal situation.

I still liked this. Like I said, the narration was what really drew me in and it continues to engage me. But the thing is, I'm not really invested in the story or the characters. I don't know much about what's going on, I don't really have a firm grasp on any of the characters... I'm just sort of drifting along out of idle curiousity rather than out of any sort of real interest. Draw me in. Hook me.

Ping me if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

Phoenix lands for a review

Okay, I liked this a lot. Now lets dig a little deeper and see what I liked and did like. Since I read the first chapter I will kind of be commenting as a whole.

Characters-

Even within the two short chapters that read, the characters already seemed fleshed voice wise. Each one is distinct and can easily be told apart from another. This so often is not the case so early on in a story. So far Isla even seems like a well rounded person based off her thoughts, feelings, reactions, etc. More often than not, the main characters in stories are flat at the start. This is not the case here. In fact I like Isla so far.

Avery seems okay. Again you introduce him in a way that makes him very believable. If he's a possible love interest I like how she isn't completely mooning after him. She even states that he was annoying at times. That's more of a brownie point in her character box.

Plot~
This too seems to be well crafted early on. I think at times you could explain things a little better. Usually when a new term is brought up, the author gives the reader a brief description of what it is. That way the reader doesn't have to read it a dozen times before they figure out what it is. I'm not saying to info dump, just expand naturally with information already given. For example I know the general idea of the story from your explanation at the very start, so I could make connection in my mind. But, act like your reader does not know the general idea. Don't act like they're stupid, just act like they don't know.

For example the conversation in the first chapter could have been laced with subtle information about how Isla got picked to come into the city. Small, but clears things up early so you don't have to info dump later.

Another example. Bot groups, The Occult and The Cybrate are mentioned several times, but their actual function is never really given. We get brief thing about the Occult, and in fact that is the subtle kind of insertion I'm talking about, but I saw nothing on The Cybrate. What is their well known goal, or the goal that The Occult believe them to have. Possibly a good place to put this is when Isla is thinking about Linx, maybe have her question how he could have become one. Just expand a little more, I have a feeling that if you don't all this information is going to pile up and in the middle of the book you'll have to info dump like crazy.

The plot itself is what is to be expected early on, so other than that I can not really comment. I will say that this does seem to be going in a very good direction.

Writing~
This flows very well, it has a very reader friendly. Not too complicated, but not too simple. A very good balance. Word choice fits with the overall tone of the story. Really I have no gripes that I can see with the writing itself. I will say try not to start the story with conversation. *Points at 1st chapter* Also things seem to be happening a little fast, so maybe pace a little better, other than that I have nothing to say.

Overall~
This a well crafted story with interesting characters, and from what I've seen a solid foundation to build on to make this story really good. Very nice start.

Phoenix bursts into flames

Thanks for your input, both of you!!