Young Writers Society

I've deleted this post and placed my story under general fiction since my work didn't really fit under sci-fi. search there if you're interested! thanks!

Hi! I'm Tear!

First of all, I thought this was really nice nice! It could have used a bit more detail however. I noticed a lot how you made some mistakes on punctuation and capitilization with dialogue, so I thought I might show you this; topic44898.html

sunxkissedxme wrote:"Well duh, that's the point smart oneperiod"

sunxkissedxme wrote:"Only in your dreamsperiod" I laughcomma standing up and tossing my remote onto the couch.

sunxkissedxme wrote:"Dr. Fizz?" She asks

the 's' in 'she' doesn't need to be capitilized.

sunxkissedxme wrote:before it hit s the ground and explodes.

sunxkissedxme wrote:"I don't know. Zoe, Ashley, and Morgan are taking me somewhere as an early birthday surprise thing." I explain running a brush through my slightly curly red hair.

The period before the quotations should actually be a comma.

sunxkissedxme wrote:"That's themcomma" I say grabbing my purse and cell phone. I yell a quick goodbye to my parents then turn to Violette.

"Hey Vi?" I ask.

"Yeah?" she says, not even looking at me.

"Rematch, tomorrow." I say. She turns and I wink then run out the door. I glance back as we drive away and see Violette at my bedroom window, staring back with a blank expression. I snap my head away quickly forcing the chill creeping up my spine back down.

"So where are you taking me?" I ask comma leaning my arms on the back of the drivers seat.

Again, dialogue punctuation is incorrect. ^_^

sunxkissedxme wrote:her Sapphire Blue eyes sparkling in the rear-view mirror.

"Sapphire Blue" doesn't need to be capitilized.

sunxkissedxme wrote:"Fine, fine." I mumble kicking off my converse and pulling on my "new" shoes.

Again, the period needs to be a coma before the quotations.

Okay, I'm not going to point out all the punctuation mistakes, but try checking out that article and then going through and editing.

Overall, I think this is a pretty good start. It could use some editing, but overall I can't wait to read more!

Keep writing!

~Tear

We both jump when a corn horn sounds abruptly from outside

Lulz. This is the perfect reason to check for typos, so you don't inadvertently make your readers burst out laughing.

Mmm, so... this began kind of slowly. I mean, it feels like nothing really is happening before they get to the bowling alley. Why not start at the bowling alley? The beginning did show us a little of Violette and Piper interacting a bit, but why can't we see that at the bowling alley? Until she actually meets Seth, nothing all that vital is happening. It's just sort of there. All the information we get before that; that it's Piper's birthday, that she has friends taking her somewhere, etc. etc., can be given to us in the bowling alley itself. Get to the meat!

Why is this in Science-Fiction? Granted, a sci-fi element could very well still show up later, but as is, I'm not seeing anything that's making me think of science-fiction. I'd be willing to wait, but I thought I'd point it out.

All in all, this felt... kind of slow. I mean, it picked up a bit once she ran into Seth because we had something actually happening, but even then, nothing really held any sort of conflict or interest. It was just there. Give us some character insight to latch onto, something to look forward to overcoming. Anything. I just didn't feel particularly hooked here.

Feel free to drop me a line if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling

thanks so much! I'm really badwith punctuation and stuff, so I'll work on that. This is chapter one, there's a prologue before it, did you read it? Anyway, thanks for the imput, I'll definately continue!