Pre-Reading: Alright, so this is the revised version of the intro to a story I posted earlier. The description has been minimized, mostly in the area of describing the children. When I tried to edit down more, the tension/tone of the piece was drastically reduced, which I really didn't want, so I kept it a little slow at the beginning to try and not lose the tone which really made the piece early on, at least in my opinion. Any recommendations in the editing area (too much or too little or should it be done differently?) would be greatly appreciated along with any general critiques on the piece. Thanks for your time.
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“Miss Gadelle.”
The seated woman hushed the young soldier with a simple touch of a finger to her lips. Tightening his lips, the man turned back to face the children filing into the conference room. The rustling of their cotton tunics and the slight scuffle of shoes echoed behind the gentle notes of Fur Elise. The two adults waited until all ten of the children stood at attention and the door had been shut behind them.
The lack of sound from the settled children clearly bothered the soldier. He began to fidget; first his fingers and then his feet. Finally the woman sent him a sharp glance and motioned him to approach her. She whispered something in his ear, taking in his name tag. Thompson. How Mediocre. At Miss Gadelle’s whispered orders, Thompson straightened, motioned towards several of the children, and escorted half of them out of the room. Of the five remaining, three were boys, two were girls.
As the song finally came to a close and ended with a mechanical click, the scene in the room had not changed. Five children of different shapes and sizes and colours stood eerily still under the gaze of the thin yet imposing figure. Her dark, clearly tailored suit was a sharp contrast to the children’s pre-died cotton tunics and pants. Her long brown locks turned up in a tasteful knot at the nape of her neck looked like art compared to the children’s identical page cuts.
Her eyes analyzed each child as she flipped through the folders at her side. Every once in a while, a small smile could be seen turning up the edge of her lips as she gazed from a file to a child. In her eyes, each child, for all their differences, was a perfect tool. They just needed a perfect job. Rising, she tucked the files under her arm. Her stiletto heels clicked gently across the floor as she went and stood in front of the child at the head of the row. Darkly skinned, with a tousle of curly locks, Miss Gadelle couldn’t help but name him Romeo in her mind. Yes, his identification was 42, but his appearance was that of a Romeo.
In front of each child, she stopped and analyzed them at a closer level than she had been able to from her seat. She stroked faces, felt arms and legs, she even twirled one of the girl’s short locks around a finger. After each such observation, she would take down notes in one of the five folders tucked under her arm. Eventually she reached the end of the line and returned to her seat.
In a few quick motions all but one boy and one girl had left the room. The blonde and the honey boy, as Miss Gadelle was beginning to think of them, stood at attention. She pursed her lips in consideration.
Along with his honey hair, the boy had hazel eyes and a skin tone that would take well to sunlight. Already lean muscle had formed, his breathing was easy but deep, and his eyes had a merry twinkle. He was a natural athlete and would look at home in any outdoors shop. The woman couldn’t help but smile at the image of him in several years.
Tall and lean like her companion, the blonde looked more like the boy’s brother than sister, but Miss Gadelle was not put off by this. The girl’s figure would always be boyish along with her skills, but she would be a pretty enough girl in the years to come.
Balancing her chin on her hand, the woman sighed. The two would have worked beautifully as a team. The boy would have been the nice near impossible catch, the girl, the classic American blonde-next-door. It was a pity she would have to split them up.
With one final look at both children, the woman finally decided. At this point it was less analysis and more intuition. One last hand signal. The boy left, the girl remained.
“What’s your name child?” The woman asked opening one file in her lap.
“Three-nine-three.”
“That isn’t a name sweetheart. I want you to give me a name.”
The girl looked confused. She opened her mouth and then shut it. She glanced around the room mildly panicked. There wasn’t a map, a sign to give her any kind of hint on what to do.
The woman in front of her sighed and leaned forward. “Three-nine-three, I want you to give me the prettiest word you know that you would like to be called.” The statement did not seem to do much for the girl, but the woman leaned back, clearly expectant.
Just as Miss Gadelle was about to shout in frustration, the girl whispered something. “What was that dear?” the woman asked, leaning forward once more.
“Ohio. I like the name Ohio.”
“Alright, give me another name. You need a second one as well.”
Once more, the room lapsed into silence as the child thought.
“River.”
The woman gave the girl another pointed look. “River? How about Rivers? It sounds less borrowed from a map.”
The girl said nothing, and the woman nodded. She motioned and the girl left the room.
Talking out a fresh piece of paper, Miss Gadelle filled out the sheet that gave her the greatest satisfaction.
Code: 393
Designation: Deep-Ops
Specialization: Guy-Girl
Expected Date of Embarkation: June 3, 2003
Under the expected fields of entry, the woman added one more.
Name: OHIO RIVERS
Gender:
Points: 1290
Reviews: 10