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Change and Survival: The Experiments' Story- Chapter 7



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Tue Jun 07, 2011 3:09 am
Silverdragon150 says...



Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 6

~Chapter 7~

Hope finally emerged from her hut. Silver had announced that there would be a meeting in a few days, so it was assumed Silver was preparing for it, condensing all the information over the last week or so. Cyrus was back at his class, teaching at least twenty now. At first only the Avians knew about it, but robotics-experiments and elementals had told the Terramorphs about it, so he now had a very generous variety. She watched them silently. He was showing them how the stance of their feet could affect their power and such, but she didn’t really care. Everything seemed less interesting without Faith by her side. She sighed and propped her head up on her elbow, resting it on the railing. There was gossip floating about; some was focused around the white-coats, some was about the meeting, and as usual teenagers do, some was about relationships. She heard several names. Rachel, Jack, Sam, Silver… Did she hear her own? Blasphemy. She began listening in, but it quickly fell silent. The lesson fell silent. The whole clearing fell silent. She looked down, apprehensive at the sudden hush. Everyone was moving off to the sides, near the roots of the trees. The only sounds were the steady clomp of boots. Then, even they stopped. She turned to see the edge of the clearing. There, barely a footstep from a patch of shadows stood one known as Syron, his black trench-coat flowing around his legs. His face was firm set, serious and indifferent. His spiked hat shadowed his eyes, as always. It was rumored his eyes were blue, but it was also rumored they were as dark as midnight. Murmurs rippled through the crowd again, but they were hushed, as if he heard them someone would die. He watched them, scanning the crowd. Hope strained her neck. She had heard he was an avian morph, but no one had seen his wings. Some said he didn’t have any. Some said he did. Some said they were made of darkness, but who would believe that? Besides, he couldn’t be evil, could he?
“Silver!” He called abruptly. “Where is Silver?” He paced forward to get a better look at the crowd. Whatever it was about him that struck fear into the heart of the group, it certainly was… Effective. All fell dumb again, just watching him. He turned to one of the trees. “Silver!” He called again. There were footsteps and the door opened.
“What?” She stomped out and glared at him. “I’m a bit busy right now.”
“We need to talk.” He simply stated.
She sighed, aggravated by his interruption rather than scared out of her wits. “Come by later. As I said, I’m-“
“Now.” He demanded. He took a running start and ran up the tree next to her, before he jumped to the edge of the platform. She watched as he preformed this feat, wondering if it came naturally to him; he had pin-point accuracy.
“Fine! Fine. Get in here.” She watched him and trudged back into her hut. He hopped up and followed Silver, with her promptly closing the door behind them. The silence was oppressive for a moment before conversation restarted with a relieved sigh.
Hope watched Silver’s door for a while, wondering what that was all about. She walked back into her own hut, no longer wanting to remain in the clearing.

Merlin sat in a tree when Syron entered. When he disappeared with Silver, he slid down from the tree. He lifted his gaze to see Hope retreat to her room. He shrugged his shoulders, loosening up, and tried to think about….. Stuff. Life. Anything but Hope and Faith. The meeting, maybe. Should I attend the meeting? Do I really need to hear that stuff? Do I really care? I should…… He groaned and rested his hands behind his head. Sure, he’d attend the meeting. See what to do next. He glanced at Hope’s door again, shut tight, and walked through the trees. His mind wandered off, and he listened into some conversations.
“… I hear Grace has it just as bad, especially since that Stella basically hates everyone….”
“….I don’t believe it. They can’t have completely stopped testing, could they? Maybe there are others in cages, waiting to be set free……”
“…I think they’re going to talk about… Well, I have no idea. Most likely there will be something about the food shortage, maybe about the larger patrols. Jack, Grace’s second, seems to be itching with action, my friend says.” He stopped to listen more on this one. “He says that Jack is ready to attack the lab head on.”
“Aren’t we all?” Added another voice. “We need food. Who knows what else they’re hiding from us. For all we know, they could be making some super weapon to enslave us.” They both fell silent. “Of course, it might just be me. I always was pessimistic…”
Merlin shook his head. He knew none of these people. They all came from different backgrounds, from different places. He couldn’t relate to many of these high-schoolers, could he?
He snapped back to reality as another being bumped into him. “Oh, excuse me. Have you seen Silver?”
Merlin nodded to Sam. “Yeah, she’s in her room. That Syron guy went in to talk to her.”
“Oh. Thank you.” Sam nodded with a smile and walked past. Merlin watched as he curved around, towards Silver’s tree. He continued on his way again, bored. He stopped. Where am I going? I may regret not knowing more about this later. He returned to where the two were talking. He saw it was Zane, a barn owl, and Flynn, the osprey, both standing in their regular, human forms. Merlin quietly shifted to bird form and sat on a branch slightly above them, listening.
“… My family barely got by. We paid taxes and ate food. If something broke, we would try to go without it. It was hard. This is even harder.” Flynn shoved his hands into the pockets of his old, grass-stained jeans.
“Yeah, well, we lived on the coast. Great breeze, terrible storms. I don’t know much about anyone else. There’s, like, one other person who comes from my area. Lots of hobos. I hear Jack lived on the streets on the other coast or something.”
“Naw, I heard that he was in a gang, but quit when it didn’t fit his lifestyle anymore. He lived in Oregon or something. I don’t really know. I heard Grace was on the Gymnastics team.”
“Yeah. That would explain why she’s so good at that kind of stuff. I heard Faith’s family had something like 3 acres of land. Y’know, she has two younger sibling who wander around. I wonder how they’re taking this.”
Wait, what? Merlin shifted. I never knew that. I hope they’re okay.
“Ouch. I hear Hope’s taking it pretty hard, too.” Zane shrugged, changing the subject slightly.
“Yeah, she seems pretty… lonely. She hasn’t really done anything for a day. Maybe we should go get together a patrol or something. Hope’s not gonna take one out.” Flynn sighed.
“You’re right. But seriously, Faith's not family or anything. We've only been around each other for a few months. What do you suppose Hope grew up like, that she would depend on friends so bad?” Zane looked into the trees.
“She lived in the city. Her house wasn’t big, it wasn’t small. One floor, with a basemant and a small backyard. She wasn’t popular, but she loved trying things.” They both jumped as Engila appeared at their elbows, her short rusty hair crisp from recently being cut. She scanned them, wondering what they were talking about.
“How do you know?” Zane asked.
“I’m her cousin, of course I know.” Engila crossed her arms.
They looked at each other. “Nobody else even knows each other, much less have family here. How’d you get here?”
Engila dropped her arm. “When Hope disappeared, I tracked her. I followed everything she had been doing, I asked her friends. I began hacking into security cameras to see what happened. I guess they thought I was getting too nosy, because a few days later I was kidnapped. And, oh the irony, they combined me with a computer.” She whipped around and walked off.
They stared after her. “Hacking security cameras? Wow… So about that patrol…”
Merlin flew off. Well, that explains... He had to think about it. ... Oh. That does explain a lot.

“What do you want?” Silver demanded bluntly as she closed the door behind Syron.
“I have news I figured you would like to hear.” He leaned against the wall casually.
“Speak up, I have a meeting to plan.” She turned back towards her desk.
“You have a leak.”
She froze, taking in what he just stated. She finally turned back to him, slowly. “A… Leak?”
“A traitor. Double agent. Whatever you want to call it. I’ve been watching, and I have… a good hunch.” He explained.
She crossed her arms. “So, you come in here to tattle on one of my good companions without solid evidence?” She frowned. “What kind of person do you think you are?”
His face was expressionless, he almost looked bored. “Do you want the name or not?”
She waited as he whispered in her ear. Her eyes widened. “No. I don’t think so. Never. Get out of my room, right now, before I kick you out.”
“Fine.” He opened the door slightly. “But don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
She balled her fists and slid out after him, tempted to knock some sense into him. After looking for him she established he was gone- vanished into thin air… As usual.
“I hate that guy.” She spat.
Someone cleared their throat below her. “Silver, oh Silver, let down your….” He trailed off as she drifted down on outstretched wings. She smiled. Sam grinned. “That works, too.”
Last edited by Silverdragon150 on Fri Jun 10, 2011 9:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
something something dragons something something open to conversation
Been quiet for a couple years, we'll see how this one goes.
  





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Gender: Female
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Reviews: 463
Thu Jun 09, 2011 9:52 pm
megsug says...



Spoiler! :
Before I say hi, I want to tell you that I feel awful because I've been on a reviewing kick for the first time since forever and completely forgot about your next chapter, but the important thing is that I remembered and I did read this previously at a time where I had no time to review.

Hey!
Alright, I got some good vibes off of this new character of yours. I like him with all of his shadow and mystery and loner-ness. I may be mistaken, but I've always liked the dark character. I want to see him more. I love how he just wants what he wants and it doesn't matter how it may inconvience others. Anyway, I want to see him more. :D
Hopefully you've got my pattern down now, so let's got to nitpicks.

it was assumed she was preparing for it, condensing all the information over the last week or so.
The first time I read this, I thought she was supposed to be Silver, but now I'm not so sure. It might be an explanation to the reader why the other characters aren't questioning Hope's isolation. I'd switch the pronoun with a name, either Silver or Hope's, unless I've completely missed the mark.

Cyrus was back at his class, teaching at least 20 now.
Any number under three words like twenty should be spelled out. A number like 337 should be because it's made of more than three words- Three Hundred Thirty Seven.

Now only was he teaching Avians, but robotics-experiments and elementals had told the Terramorphs about it, so he had a very generous variety.
I'm a little confused. He was just teaching Avians and his class was now made up Terramorphs? If so, the now should be changed to something like at first.
OR

He has been teaching Terramorphs and avians but isn't at the moment. In that case, I would like to know where the Terramorphs are at this particular moment.

Everything seemed less interesting without Faith by her side.
Aww... If this wasn't a best friend my cheesy alarm would be going off, but you're doing good.

She looked down, apprehensive at the sudden quiet.
You use quiet many times before now, and it works. Here it doesn't. Try silence instead?

There, barely a footstep from a patch of shadows stood one known only as Syron,
Everyone here seems to go on a first name basis, so the only isn't necassary.

What ever it was about him that struck fear into the heart of the group,
What ever should be one word.

See what to do next.
Next about what? The society doesn't seem too bothered by Hope's disappearance. I'm not even sure what the meeting's supposed to be about... Okay, nevermind, I'd forgotten about the gossip later on. I have a vague idea of what's going to be said at the meeting.

Merlin shook his head and moved on. He knew none of these people. They all came from different backgrounds, from different places. He couldn’t relate to many of these high-schoolers, could he?
Very odd train of thought... makes me wonder what else is going on in Merlin's head.

Wait, why don’t I just go back and listen more? That was a pretty interesting conversation.
This is a sad attempt to get back to the conversation. It's obvious and chunky. Why not start with new people, a new conversation. Just get rid of the the first two sentences of the continuation of the conversation, and you'll be good.

he retraced his steps back to where the two were talking.
Capitalize he, but actually, just get rid of this sentence.

He saw it was Zane, a barn owl, and Flynn, the osprey, both standing in their normal forms.
Normal meaning human? Remember we're an outsider. We don't know how this society is. They could stay as birds most of the time for all we know.

“… I never really was pessimistic or optimistic. I wasn’t popular.
These are the two sentences I was talking about.

one other person who comes from my area. I hear Jack lived on the streets or something.”
Odd transistion here. Jack lived on the coast? That's not what it sounds like later on.

“Naw, I heard that he was in a gang, but quit when it didn’t fit his lifestyle anymore. He lived in Oregon or something. I don’t really know.”
This makes me think about Jack. You're building you characters up. I like.

Y’know, she has two younger sibling who wander around.
The forest? They were stolen too?

She hasn’t really done anything for a day. Maybe we should go get together a patrol or something. Hope’s not gonna take one out.” Flynn sighed.
Odd transistion here. It's not a transistion but more like a blatant switching of topics, which I do all the time when talking to my parents, but it just doesn't sound right.
I despise transitions to no end but good ones are necassary. Hmm...
Try something like, "'You're right. I wonder why she's taking this so hard. It's not like Hope's her family or anything.'Continue with what you've got for Englia (which reminds me of a protist called Euglena) but maybe say she connected to people very well and cared.
That kinda turns Zane into an unfeeling guy, but it would be a fractionally better transition, and he's not a huge character.

“You’re right. I wonder what Hope’s home-life was like.” Zane looked into the trees.
“She lived in the city. Her house wasn’t big, it wasn’t small. One floor, with a basemant and a small backyard. She wasn’t popular, but she loved trying things.” They both jumped as Engila appeared at their elbows, her short rusty hair crisp from recently being cut. She scanned them, wondering what they were talking about.

Merlin flew off. Well, that explains a lot. Not.
If this doesn't explain anything, why is it in the chapter?

His face was expressionless, he almost looked bored. “Do you want the name or not?”
She waited as he whispered in her ear. Her eyes widened. “No. I don’t think so. Never. Get out of my room, right now, before I kick you out.”
Question: Why didn't Silver want the name? I understand the whole suspense thing, but she, as a character, needs a reason, so it makes sense to the reader.
Meaningless Rant for Me: Ahh!! Silver! How could you say no? I need to know if it's Merlin! Don't you think he's been acting suspicious?
Stupidity over now.


Someone cleared their throat below her. “Silver, oh Silver, let down your….” He trailed off as she drifted down on outstretched wings. She smiled. Sam grinned. “That works, too.”
Aww... Am I to assume that they have something going on? Don't make it anymore obvious. It's right the way it is.


Okey dokey. I've already gone through this once today, so I think I've got it down. You have rather long chapter, which is fine. Sometimes it's a little confusing a squished together. If you look at the blue box beneath the text box, at the options tab and go to the very bottom where it has SPECIAL FEATURES, (I think) you can choose story instead of default and the paragraphs are seperated by a line.

I'm afraid you're matching all of your characters up in couples, which is fine, but it works out a little too well. Just be wary.

I'm finished with the critique.
I have to say Syron is interesting. Merlin is acting strange. And Jack's history is intruiging. For all of the said reasons, my mind is trying to shove the puzzle pieces together, and I'm waiting for the next chapter. Don't disappoint. ;)
Megsug
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more fish is always superior to less fish
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