Young Writers Society

Author's Note to Reviewers:
I've been having issues with this first chapter... mostly with how to show her story rather than tell it. Which is why I'm posting. I've just had a mental block against it since I wrote it, but I love the idea so I'd like to keep it. Also I'd love to know what sort of questions this piece brings up for you. Mostly related to plot. Theories, predictions and questions you want answered.

Thanks & Enjoy. =D


1.1 | The Girl in the White Box

The crackling static filled the room, waking the girl from a deep sleep. She rolled over in her cot with an annoyed moan, peaking through tired eyes to see what was making the noise. Her eyes widened in horror as she took in her surroundings, bolting up a moment later before falling back into the bed, dizzy from the exertion. She closed her burning eyes again, willing her surroundings to change but when she opened them for the second time nothing had.

“This cannot be happening.” She whispered to herself, her eyes filled with tears. She stood up slowly, trying to keep her head from spinning, then stumbled sideways into a blank white wall.

“Hello!” She screamed, clutching the wall. “Is anyone out there?”

Only silence answered her, though she listened intently for several minutes, looking around the room as if it would hold the answers she sought. The room only held two objects: the cot she woke up in and an old box television. It was perfectly square and bright, the walls smooth without a break or blemish. Not even a door.

“Someone! Help me!” She screamed once again, slamming her fists against the wall. “You can’t just leave in me here!”

Tears streamed down her cheeks as she ran around the room, searching hopelessly for breaks in the wall. Repeating the words “this cannot be happening” over and over again. In a sort of mantra, trying to calm herself and to keep the tears from falling. As if saying it enough times would make it true.

“Someone! Please help me!” she screamed finally, defeatedly sliding into a corner. No longer able to keep the sobs at bay.

“Adelaide…” A voice cooed through her sobbing. Sniffing, she looked up, searching for the source of the voice. “Do you know why you are here, Adelaide?”

“Hello?” she asked, crawling across the floor and looking around.

“I’m right here, Adelaide.” the voice was like honey, calling to her and giving her little choice as to if she should follow. She turned towards the voice and was face to face with the television. The static was gone from the screen. Instead the girl was staring directly into the horn-ribbed, stern eyes of a woman in a white coat.

“Who the hell are you?” she asked, leaning against the cot, wondering if she had actually gone crazy or if the world around her had. She already knew which.

“I am Madame Councilor,” the woman said. “Do you remember anything before waking up here?”

Addie shook her head solemnly.

“Good,” the woman responded shortly, and Addie closed her eyes. Her worst nightmare realized in front of her. She remembered everything. She knew why she was there, but there was nothing she could do about it.

This was the end.

Crawling onto the bed, she barely listened as the woman continued talking. It must be protocol. She took the pillow from the bed and covered her head with it, closing her eyes tight, she tried to think of a time before all this had happened…

Hi! This chapter really pulled me in. Although there were a few mistakes and places I would have worded things differently, it was really good. I didn't really notice too much of a problem with showing vs. telling, but I'm not incredible with that either. Um, I just want to remind you that after dialogue, the next word should not be capitalized. (ie. "I went to the fair!" she said.") and you should use commas instead of periods ("I went to the fair," she said."). I'm going to ignore that when I'm editing because I'm fairly sure you know what I'm talking about.

The crackling static filled the room, waking the girl from a deep sleep. She rolled over in her cot with an annoyed moan and opened her eyes. She bolted up, taking in her surroundings. She then fell into the bed once more, dizzy from the exertion. She closed her burning eyes again, shutting them tight with as much strength she could spare. Willing her surroundings to change, but when she opened them for the second time. Nothing had. She got up slowly this time, trying to keep her head from spinning.

In the first sentence, you don't need a period after 'crackling'. Instead, it should be after 'room'. I think you should describe why she bolted up ('After realizing her surroundings weren't familiar, she bolted up' or something like that). Usually starting a sentence with 'then' sounds awkward, at least to me.

“This can’t be happening.” She whispered to herself, her eyes filled with tears. She stood up slowly, then stumbled sideways into a blank white wall.

“Hello!” She screamed, clutching the wall. “Is anyone out there?”

She waited a minute, listening intently, looking around the room. The room only held two objects: the cot she woke up on and an old box television. The walls were blank, white and square. There was no door.

“Someone! Help me!” She screamed once again, slamming her fists against the wall. “You can’t just leave in me here!”

I like the first paragraph, but instead of saying 'blank' I would say 'clean' or 'plain' or something of that sort. In the second paragraph, you could describe her fear a bit more, because when she looks around she seems almost calm. In the third paragraph, you've already described the walls as blank. I would recommend changing one of them. Also, I'm assuming because of the ending she knows, or has an idea of, why she's there for the entire time. Am I right?

She ran around the room, looking for breaks in the wall, tears streaming down her cheeks. She repeated the words “this cannot be happening" over and over again. Defeated she finally slid into a corner. Sobbing.

“Adelaide…” A voice cooed. Sniffing, she looked up. Searching for the source of the voice. “Do you know why you are here, Adelaide?”

“Hello?” she asked, crawling across the floor and looking around.

In the first paragraph, "over and over again" is not a complete sentence and neither is "Sobbing." I would also get rid of the comma after "words". In the last sentence, maybe describe how the sobbing sounds? In the second paragraph, "Searching for the source of the voice." is not a complete sentence. I do really like the woman's dialogue; it sounds very natural and something you'd expect from a creepy thing that can talk to you via television.

“Over here, Adelaide.” The voice was like honey, calling to her and giving her little choice as to if she should follow. She turned towards the voice and was face to face with the television. The static was gone from the screen In it’s place there was a woman.

“Who are you?” She asked, leaning against the cot. She wonderedif she had actually gone crazy or if the world around her had.

“I am your Madame Councilor.” The woman said. Addie’s eyes widened in horror as a tear escaped from her eyes and sliddown her cheek. “Do you remember anything before waking up here?”

All that I have to say about the first paragraph is that I think the last sentence should be two sentences, like I put, and "it's" should be "its". Second paragraph, the last sentence wasn't completele. Also, throughout the story you make it sound like she has an idea of what's going on. The last sentence doesn't really flow with that. In the third paragraph, the way I edited it by saying "and slid down her cheek" is kind of cliche, so if you could think of something else that would probably be better.

Addie shook her head solemnly.

“Good.” The woman said, and Addie closed her eyes. Her worst nightmare realized in front of her. She remembered everything. She knew why she was there and how she would never escape.

This was the end.

Love the ending. It really hooked me, and I can't wait to read the next chapter.

So, overall, I just did a lot of nitpicking. In general this piece is pretty good. There were a few grammar mistakes you probably should have caught through editing, and they were a little annoying, but it's okay. Just remember the dialogue thing and that sentences should be whole; fragments aren't appealing. I've said this, but you really did hook me and I really can't wait to read the next chapter so thanks for sharing, and keep writing!

Silver - Thank you so much! I know my grammar isn't that great in this piece, I probably should have mentioned that I'm not really focusing on it at this point. I'm looking more at wording and plot. This is a really, really rough draft so I know there are a lot of mistakes, I just got stuck so I posted it early out of desperation. xD

Also, you were right, she does have an idea. I'm going to go into a little more detail about that in the next chapter, though. Anyways, I'm going to go make the changes you suggested and thanks again for the review.

Nice job, I really enjoyed the story itself. You managed to pack a lot into a small chapter, and I really can't wait to hear more. However I did notice one thing that Silver didn't mention, it's extremely repetitive. Literally the first seven out of ten sentences start with either 'she' or 'her'. To make it flow better you'll want to mix up the word choice, or combine them into something like this:

She rolled over in her cot with an annoyed moan and opened her eyes. Her eyes widened in horror as she took in her surroundings

Change to: She rolled over in her cot with an annoyed moan and opened her eyes, which widened in horror as she took in her surroundings

Or this:

She quickly sat up before falling into the bed once more, dizzy from the exertion. She closed her burning eyes again, shutting them tight with as much strength she could spare.

Change to: She quickly sat up before falling into bed once more, dizzy from exertion, trying desperately to shut her burning eyes.

Thirdly: Willing for her surroundings to change is not the best way to start that sentence, especially if you have but right after it. It disrupts the flow, makes it choppy. Try adding it to the sentence before.

Other than that I couldn't find any mistakes that Silver didn't catch, and as I said I loved the story itself. Good luck!

Hey Stevie!
Okay, I must say--this was actually really good, and I don't say that often. My instinct is telling me this is going to be good book!
The only thing I could pick out was what CRL said. You started out a lot of your sentences with "she" through the whole thing. You need to dump that habit so it doesn't hurt later!
Example:
"She crawled onto the bed, barely listening as the woman continued talking. It must be protocol. She took the pillow from under head and covered her head with it, closing her eyes tight, she tried to think of a time before all this had happened…"
Instead:
"Crawling onto the bed, she barely listened as the woman continued talking. It must be a protocol. Taking a pillow from under her head and covered her head with it, closing her eyes tight, she tried to think of a time before all this had happened..."
Something like that. Although I did start sentence 1 & 3 with verbs, it would be bad if you kept doing that too. Just make sure to shake up your sentences.

Seriously though, this was awesome. Looks like you don't need much, but good luck with this!

--Lollipopper

CRL - I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'll definitely look out for repetitiveness. Thank you!

Lollipopper - I think it was mostly because of this scene that I did that, it was hard writing about just one person without very many people to interact with, especially since the scene was giving me enough problems as is... I'll definitely keep an eye out for them in the future and try to kick the habit. xD Thanks!

Thanks guys for the reviews, I'll go ahead and make the changes.

Very compelling! The only huuuge problem with this is that there isn't any more of it to read! So I thought you did well, very well! I think everyone picked out the grammar and such that needs help.
There isn't much as far as surrounding goes in this part or for that matter other characters. That being said there isn%u2019t much to expound upon. The only thing I might mention in the way of description is this: you don't have to give a full description but saying something about your main characters appearance would be nice, you could maybe also say something about this 'Madame Councilor' lady.
The other thing is that this feels more like a prologue rather than a first chapter being that it's sort of short...but of course you, as the writer/creator, are in charge of that .
Okay so this brought up a lot of possibilities and questions like: how did she get here? Where exactly is here? What is Adelaide remembering that she obviously doesn't like remembering? These are the main questions I have anyways I'm sure if I thought about it there would be many more!
And I got the feeling that this was something set either in a fictitious land or faaarrr into the future where everyone is ruled by either this 'Madame Councilor' or someone she works for.
Anyways I hope this helps you! I'll definitely keep an eye out for the next installment.
Chimp.

Chimp - Thanks so much for the review! Anyways, I did mean to describe Addie and Madame Councilor more, but it just seemed to get in the way of the flow whenever I did... either way I'll try to add a couple things about at least Madame Councilor's appearance, as Addie will definitely get described more in the next chapter. I'm not that fond of Prologues, especially when it's actually appart of the plot and I already have to do a lot of flashbacks for the story to make sense. :/ However, I felt starting the story earlier wouldn't have as much of the wow factor as this does. With this you are thrown right into the story, with the other you kind of cruse into it.

Also extra thanks for the questions! They are very useful. As for the setting, you've got one small detail right. :]

I really enjoyed this chapter, it has the potential to be one of those stories that draws you in and draws you in until you get so caught up in the story that you can emotionally attach to the characters. I can't wait untill you post the next one!!

Hello there
Wow, looks like I'm a little late but I'll try not to mention what has already been mentioned by other reviewers.

“You can’t just leave in me here!”

In a sort of mantra, trying to calm herself and to keep the tears from falling.

This sentence sounds incomplete. Maybe you can try to reconstruct it.

I really like the flashback angle you're taking with your story. I am a fan of that approach. I understand the reservations you have about this chapter. I too often battle with first chapters because I ask myself the same questions. I think in this case, with what I've read so far it's too soon to show or tell her story because I presume you're going to be doing that when you explain the events that lead her to where she is now. I feel that what you should be concentrating on is expanding more on what you have so far for this chapter. Although it's very well written, it has a small volume. What I would suggest is that you could possibly mention something before she wakes up. Like maybe a dream she might have been having, good or bad... preferably a good one. A very vague dream though that has very little meaning to the following events after she wakes up. Or maybe the room she is in, just a small paragraph that transitions from the sound or structure in the room to the waking girl.
A lot of questions, the obvious being what she's doing in the room, spring to my head. I want to know who she is, who she was, where she is...As of now, the only prediction I have is that she going to be rescued??? haha. I'm not sure of any predictions yet because it's too soon in the story to tell.
Otherwise, this seems like a very wise plot. A word of advice right now is for you to continue writing and ask questions later! Otherwise, good luck on the rest of your story.

Keep writing!

Hmm, maybe, to defeat your dilema you should change to first person writing. Woah, let me just back up there. Hello, I'm Apple and I'll be your reviewer today. I'm going to be frank with you, this is a very good novel and had me on the edge of seat wondering what is going to happen to our poor Adelaide but problem is she didn't sound very convincing. This is where the first person theory comes in.

Third person, to me, is a lot harder to get the hang. It takes a lot of time and practice to make it sound like you're showing and not telling. You can have the same problem with first person though it is a lot easier to control. If I woke up in a room with no windows or doors for that matter, I'd do a lot more then just run around the room crying. You should be showing the anguish, the sadness and possibly slight signs of claustrophobia because let's face it: a room with out windows and doors is only a box and you'd start to feel suffocated.

Sure you do express some of these feelings but it doesn't sound real enough to me. It's as if, as an after thought, you just threw in peices here and there. Don't get me wrong, your writing it excellent but you just need to work on your emotions a little more. If you did it in first person you can get straight into Adelaide's head and relay everything as she sees it though in third person it is more difficult then that. I'm usless at third person so I always write in first though I know as a reader what sounds right and what sounds wrong.

Adelaide has a strong voice though you've got to make her a little more real-like. Do stuff like throwing herself against the walls, chucking the cot around the room, tripping over her own feet and most definitely crying her eyes out like a little baby.

*Side note: Fear is suffocation! Three words that can help you do this.*

Sure you already have some of this but you got to force it onto the reader more strongly. Throw it in our faces so we're biting our lips and feeling the exact way she does. Be forceful. Shorter sentences can help with this. They make it all the more meaningful.

Other then that little rant and rave, I didn't find much else that bothered me. Your writing is smooth like water over rock and your characters' definitely have a voice that interests me. I am coming back for more, Stevie! But again to the main problem you asked at the beginning; the best solution would be two things.

One -- Change the story into first person so you can get inside the character's head. (This is the easier way mind you)

Two -- Go over the story with a fine tooth comb. When something is happening make sure you add some fear into it. Just bad in words to add in a bit more thrill.

TheCrackling static filled the room, waking the girl from a deep sleep. She rolled over in her cot with an annoyed moan, peaking through tired eyes to see what was making the noise. What? This isn't my room! Her eyes widened in horror as she took in her surroundings, bolting up a moment later before falling back into the bed, dizzy from the exertion. What? How? She closed her burning eyes again, willing her surroundings to change but when she opened them for the second time nothing had.

Now what I placed in is pretty shotty so feel free to change it (no, I command you to change my words because they sound stupid) but you get the idea. I also just added a little change in the beginning. The crackling static doesn't sound right.

Like I said before, everything else seems to fit. You have talent in writing and you should definitely put it to good use by writing more for us YWSians. Please when you finish chapter two you should post it on my wall so I can read more of your writing. Thank you, again.
-Apple

That's a good idea, and it probably would improve your point of view (I was going to mention that in my first review but I guess I forgot). I've actually always found third-person easier to write (then again that's always what I've written in), but for a story like this where the character will probably end up meaning a lot, first person would help you get into her head and give her a more concrete voice.

SerenityCross - I’m so glad you enjoyed it! Thank you.

Ziggiefred - Thank you for the review! Especially the questions and predictions. I’ve already plotted out the whole story, so I’m trying to make sure nothing is revealed too early, these questions are really useful for that. You will get most of the answer to one of your questions in the next bit though.

Apple & CRL - I’ve definitely considered writing it in first person, but I personally cannot stand the style. Whenever I use it I always my characters ask way too many questions and it gets on my nerves… If I do end up switching I’d probably make Present Addie first person, conceal her identity more or less, and Past Addie’s story be told in third person. But I don’t think I’m going to make that decision until I’m done with this draft...

Just Apple - Thanks for the Review! And very good point… I’ll have to look up stuff about claustrophobia so that I can make her reaction more realistic… I’ve written this before with more of the throwing herself about thing but it didn’t feel right, so I don't think she's much for throwing a tantrum... However, I'll definitely try to add some more bad words, so to speak. And you’ve actually given me a couple of ideas to add in, so thanks again for that. ^_^

Hey there, Stevie. Her as requested! And I apologize again for not getting to your review sooner. I'm usually good about those kinds of things. D: But I hope I can make up for it by making this one of my best reviews yet. Let's see how I do.

Well to start, your first paragraph was very clear and smooth. A great beginning to your story to start it off fresh and as clear as you've done. Sometimes when I review a work where the story sort of starts off in a similarly general sort of predicament, the opening sentences can tend to read off a bit choppy or overly descriptive. Reading your opening paragraph had a clear flow to it, which I can really appreciate in short stories like yours, because to execute a short story in the first place tends to compact many facts and details into a limited amount of length.

In your readers note you specifically were looking for any questions that may come up as the story's being read. I had a few minor things I'd like to toss into my review. Nothing specifically touchy. I usually tend to follow on the littler details for some reason.

One thing I had on my mind was, did the girl have the slightest inkling where she was, or where she could be in the beginning? I got that vibe by some of the character's thoughts and dialogue. If that was intended I think that makes a lot of sense. The fact that you didn't emphasize such a minor detail gives the reader the room they need to think and become involved in the story that way.

The same goes with generally where she actually is. I assume by reading this that it's maybe a hospital, or some kind of sanitarium? Mental institution? Maybe lab. Or maybe I'm completely off! There's a whole slew of things that may come to mind when the reader attempts to decipher what is going on. The idea is nice I think, for the simple fact that this is merely the start of your story and the reader is encouraged to read on to find out what happened to the character and what events led her to the current place she is now, as well as what place she is in more specifically.

The thing I think you may want to watch out for - for future additions to this story- is the speed in which you unravel this. You also want to make sure that you do your best to keep things at a constant tempo. This story seems like it may be very upbeat in plot-line. Let the proceeding chapters follow the same style as your first, if that makes even the tiniest bit of sense.

One more tiny detail I'd like to bring up to you is the fact that you labeled this as a chapter. As a prologue or introduction, there may not even be no reason for certain questions to arise. If you were to relabel this as something other than an actual chapter, it more clearly might lead into chapters after it. It's something I strongly suggest and would consider. This seems creative and looks like it has the potential to unfold into a great story. But as a first chapter it might not have the strength to carry the reader where they're expected to be along the gist of everything.

Overall, great job, and I hope my review was in some way helpful to you! Feel free to let me know if you have any questions or were looking for something a bit more specific that I have not mentioned or brought to light in the length of my review. I'd b glad to help you out with any further work connected to this just as well.

-Smylin'

SmylinG - For the first question you pose, you are correct. As for the second, you'll have to read on to find out. ;]

Yeah, I did label it as a chapter even thought it shouldn't be. I'd rather label it as a scene... I'm not exactly sure where how chapters will play out, so I'm writing/posting this novel as scenes. :] I've posted the next part, if you'd like to read on and review. I'll submit it to your review post just incase you don't see this.