1 | The Girl in the White Box
The crackling static filled the room, waking the girl from a deep sleep. She rolled over in her cot with an annoyed moan, peaking through tired eyes to see what was making the noise. Her eyes widened in horror as she took in her surroundings, bolting up a moment later before falling back into the bed, dizzy from the exertion. She closed her burning eyes again, willing her surroundings to change but when she opened them for the second time nothing had.
“This cannot be happening.” She whispered to herself, her eyes filled with tears. She stood up slowly, trying to keep her head from spinning, then stumbled sideways into a blank white wall.
“Hello!” She screamed, clutching the wall. “Is anyone out there?”
Only silence answered her, though she listened intently for several minutes, looking around the room as if it would hold the answers she sought. The room only held two objects: the cot she woke up in and an old box television. It was perfectly square and bright, the walls smooth without a break or blemish. Not even a door.
“Someone! Help me!” She screamed once again, slamming her fists against the wall. “You can’t just leave in me here!”
Tears streamed down her cheeks as she ran around the room, searching hopelessly for breaks in the wall. Repeating the words “this cannot be happening” over and over again. In a sort of mantra, trying to calm herself and to keep the tears from falling. As if saying it enough times would make it true.
“Someone! Please help me!” she screamed finally, defeatedly sliding into a corner. No longer able to keep the sobs at bay.
“Adelaide…” A voice cooed through her sobbing. Sniffing, she looked up, searching for the source of the voice. “Do you know why you are here, Adelaide?”
“Hello?” she asked, crawling across the floor and looking around.
“I’m right here, Adelaide.” the voice was like honey, calling to her and giving her little choice as to if she should follow. She turned towards the voice and was face to face with the television. The static was gone from the screen. Instead the girl was staring directly into the horn-ribbed, stern eyes of a woman in a white coat.
“Who the hell are you?” she asked, leaning against the cot, wondering if she had actually gone crazy or if the world around her had. She already knew which.
“I am Madame Councilor,” the woman said. “Do you remember anything before waking up here?”
Addie shook her head solemnly.
“Good,” the woman responded shortly, and Addie closed her eyes. Her worst nightmare realized in front of her. She remembered everything. She knew why she was there, but there was nothing she could do about it.
This was the end.
Crawling onto the bed, she barely listened as the woman continued talking. It must be protocol. She took the pillow from the bed and covered her head with it, closing her eyes tight, she tried to think of a time before all this had happened…
I’m a bit confused after reading this. It’s only because at the end she tells Councilor that she does not remember anything, and then kind of says to herself that she remembers everything, and then moments later covers her head with a pillow desperately trying to remember… it just didn’t make sense to me. It was all going smoothly up until the end.
Personally, I think the scenario is cliché. I’ve probably read dozens of stories that contained the ‘white room’, and they are all carried out in the same way. Main character wakes up, and grows increasingly more panicked as they realize they are alone and there is no where to get out, until some emotionless caretaker comes in contact with them. Yours wasn’t really any different. I mean, you’re kind of limited any way you look at it, because you can’t exactly have the girl feeling confident about being locked up, or the councilor seem sympathetic, or the walls give in to her fists and have her escape… I’ll just have to wait and see how this plays out. It’s too early to judge a story by just the first chapter, but this is just my impression so far.
I think you might’ve had a few mistakes with dialogue punctuation, like you weren’t too sure about which way to go, so I’ll see if I can relocate an article that helped me in the past.
I didn’t see a problem with the ‘showing VS telling’ so don’t worry about that.
Overall, you’re a good writer but the scenario doesn’t have me really interested. I’ll be reading the next part though, since this was so short. Whenever you get it finished be sure to let me know and I’ll read&review for sure.
Let me know if you have any questions/comments
black
Even though this is short and I don't really know what it's going to be about yet, I can tell that it is my type of story 
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