Young Writers Society

I think I may eventually just tack this onto the last chapter... but I'm not sure yet, so think of this as a scene. As last time, I'd love to know any questions, predictions or theories about the nature of the story. This is why I find the most interesting in a review. Also feel free to leave a story you'd like me to review along with your review. Enjoy!

1.2 | Wicked Medicine

“Addie, hide!” Norah hissed, turning from the window of the motel room to look at the younger girl lounging on one of the beds, then peaking out the window once more added, “I don’t think things went quite as planned.”

“What do you mean?” Addie asked, rolling off the bed to stand behind Norah. The window was shut in her face, and Norah stared at her. Someone knocked and Norah turned away to stare at the door.

“Closet. Now.” Addie sighed and ran into the closet. She knew the drill, though she never had to put it to practice before. The doors shut behind her and she sat, watching the room through the slits in the door. Norah waited for three more knocks to open the door. The door swung open and she screamed, walking backwards into the television.

Addie’s brother flew through the door a moment later, landing in a heap on the floor. She covered her mouth to stifle her own scream, but Rory just laughed. He was covered in blood, his bangs were caked onto his forehead and his face was a rusty red from a cut on his forehead. And he laughed. A moment later a big man in a long coat followed after him, he ran across the room picking up Rory by his hair.

“Okay, boy,” said the man through gritted teeth. “Where is it?”

“I swear, sir, it is not here.” Rory coughed out, the man let him drop to the ground the turned towards the door.

“Frank! Lily! Get in here!” he shouted. A moment later a boy not much older than Rory walked through the door, with a smile full of mischief and a large butcher knife in his hands. He was followed by a girl whose dark features and childish smile easy to guess their relation.“Search the place, the boy is hiding something.”

“Yes, sir.” Frank responded, with a sly grin, putting his knife inside his belt. The boy was gone a moment later, just a blur, as suitcases were dumped to the ground and the beds toppled over. The boy stopped just outside of the bathroom, holding a large crate in his hands.

“Sir, I found some of it.” He brought the crate to the man, who glanced over it. His nostrils flared out in anger and he grabbed Rory by the hair again.

“Where is the rest?” He thundered.
“I told you, it is not here!”

“Don’t try to deceive me, boy. Where is the Panacea?” The man growled and Rory laughed, suddenly sitting in the lotus position on the table in front of the window shaking with laugher. He looked like a defective Buddha.

“We’re not grave robbers, Mr. Toussaint.” Rory said, suddenly solemn. “We do not steal from a dead man’s dreams.”
“Like hell you aren’t! You’ve done worst for me in the past than robbing a few graves!” Mr. Toussaint responded. “Finish the search, Frank. If we can’t find the Panacea, we’ll just have to take Miss. Bellamy, here.”

Mr. Toussaint motioned to Lily and she moved next to Norah, who was trembling. Once more things were being thrown about the room, then the doors to the closet opened. Frank barely glanced at Addie before she found herself standing with a butcher knife to her throat.

“Lookie at what I found here, boss. A little mousey was hiding away in the closet.” He said with a smile into her ear. Addie flenched, turning away from the boy. Mr. Toussaint’s face transformed from contorted rage to pure joy, then he turned to Rory with a smile.

“So Rory! The rumors are true. You are harboring Adelaide Harlow,” he said. His voice filled with the sort of joy only a man who’s won the million dollar lottery would know. “Forget the Panacea, we just found a bigger prize!”

Addie’s eyes widened in fear as the knife bit into her throat. She glanced at Rory, who’s face was stone cold. Wishing she could say sorry. Sorry for being where she wasn’t supposed to be. Their eyes locked for a mere moment and he nodded slightly. It wasn’t a gesture that would have been thought twice about by anyone else, she looked at the light switch and suddenly the room went dark. A hand appeared in hers, and squeezed. She closed her eyes in relief, as the knife disappeared from her throat.

When she opened her eyes, she was in the parking lot next to a friendly face and her brother holding her hand. She was amongst a forest of cars with the motel behind her and a cityscape in front of her.

“Be safe,” he kissed her forehead before disappearing once again.

Once again I looooved it!!!! I don't think there are words to describe how much I'm craving more of this story!
So first just a few nitpicks:

watching the room through the slates in the door.

I think you might've meant "slits" in the door. Unless I'm terribly mistaken 'slates' doesn't exactly work here

his face was a rusty red from a cut on his forehead.

I think this reads just a tad smoother with 'was' just my opinion though.

Okay I think that's all I found as far as that goes.
So this was just as intriguing as the first part and raises even more questions and possibilities! So yaaay and good job!
It looks like her own brother was somewhat surprised and maybe a bit disappointed to see her in this motel room why wasn't supposed to be there? Aaaand how is she more valuable than the panacea? (I'm getting the feeling she's angered someone in power)
Also this part--:

“We’re not grave robbers, Mr. Toussaint.” Rory said, suddenly solemn. “We do not steal from a dead man’s dreams.”

---made me wonder a lot of things, I love the last part and I'm wondering if it has some kind of hidden meaning somehow it feels like it does to me .
Oh yes and this 'Frank' character is very curious. The way he is able to move especially fast is quite...interesting.

One thing I found odd was that somehow they're in the motel one second and in the parking lot the next, so do they have the ability to move quickly too? Or did you want it to be a blur?

One more question that arose is who is Norah? it's stated that Rory is her brother but it doesn't exactly say who Norah is...but I have a feeling it's one of those "you'll find out later" things.
Anyways, hope this helps! Keep up the amazing work! I can't wait to read more!
Chimp.

Chimp - Thanks so much for the review! I'll definitely go ahead and fix those few things. xD Also thanks for the questions, right now you are asking the right questions, so I'd imagine that I'm doing my job in that respect. Though I hope your more intrigued then hopelessly confused (which is another one of my big worries about this novel). I'll definitely be answering most of these questions in the next couple of scenes. :] (though you did bring up one question I'll have to ponder a while... and another has already been answered, though not actually said)

Interesting. There was quite a large jump between the first and second chapter. Wasn't she supposed to be in a white room with no doors or windows and then suddenly she's in a motel room with two other characters who I am pretty sure were not introduced in the first chapter? Was it supposed to be a dream? That's the only logical answer I can think of or is there something that I missed.

Hey Stevie, I'm back for another Apple Review.

Alright then let's get down to business. I had to check over the first chapter to make sure I wasn't writing a review about a different story and I wasn't. You really need to clear up what you're trying to say. The first and second chapter are compeletly different, I mean I am so confused! On another note: interesting chapter, I really do like the brother. Your first and second chapter should run in sync and yours did not. In fact, I am still confused as to what you're trying to say in this whole story. I took a sneak peak at the sypnosis and that is definitely not what I suspected. And not in a good way.

What you have to understand is that by the first chapter the reader has to have a slight knowledge about what the story is about, even if it is so small that it doesn't really amount to anything. What you're trying to tell is that a girl with super powers is searching for her father. I did not get that she was searching for her father in either the first or second chapter. You must place an inkling of that in the first chapter even if it is a simple 'calling out for help though knowing he won't come'. And what of the sister and the brother? From the first chapter I thought she had been stolen but now she's miraculously broken out?

Or am I jumping the bullet here? Are you telling her story before she escaped from the white box? If so, then you're really going to have to notify that also in the first chapter.

I thought it flowed more better then your first chapter and since I don't do grammar/spelling reviews I do not have as much to add. Good job with this by the way. Apart from the first and second thing, this chapter was overall great! I do enjoy your writing a lot. Good luck with your other work and I hope this helped.
-Apple.

Apple - Sorry, I thought I made that clear in the first scene. Basically this is a flashback to before she was kidnapped:

She took the pillow from the bed and covered her head with it, closing her eyes tight, she tried to think of a time before all this had happened…

It's not the most pleasant memory, but it's significant and there's definitely a reason to why her mind would bring her there, you just don't know it yet.

I am more or less posting scenes rather than chapters, at the moment, so I think this is going to be just tacked right at the end, so that may help with the confusion. :] (the next scene I'm posting has her back in the white room, btw) My mind thinks more in scenes than chapters, so that's how I'm posting... once I get to my next draft I'll organize them into chapters. Anyways, you are right about the synopsis, that was my original intent, but it seems like it is being pushed to the back burner, aka it's more of a subplot, though significant one. I'll have to change it.

Thanks so much for the review! I hope this clears up some of the confusion, but if it doesn't I'll try edit it so it does. (Because this is unfortunately not the sort of confusion I want from my reader)

Oh, now I understand, sorry about that. It's still really good, though!

Hey, Stevie! Back again. Yes. But anyway, onto my review. --I know you much appreciate the questions and comments having to do with the scene and what is going on, your way of laying out things, etc., so I'll try my hardest to focus mainly in that area for you.

The first thing that I noticed was that this second chapter seemed to lead off irrelevantly. Almost like a recalling of past events or a flashback of what had happened prior to where you left off with your main character in the first chapter. This can certainly benefit you in ways, but it seemed a little too short to stand as an actual chapter on its own. It wouldn't be too bad of an idea to just tack it onto the first chapter if you had that in mind anyway. Just make the distinction of scene change very apparent so that you don't happen to lose any readers along the way!

Now concerning the plot of your story, if this is the second chapter I'm a little disappointed, because I don't feel as if I'm quite catching on as quickly as you're throwing things out there. It's not a problem yet, I just hope that soon I'll understand the issues involved with the story and how the main character ties into everything.

It seems slightly vague in some places, but I guess the only main thing to worry about when writing in a style like this is that you have to try and put yourself in the shoes of your audience. When you make out details you want to make sure that they have a chance at catching on and becoming as involved in the story as you want them to be. For one thing I wasn't even sure what a Panacea was. But then again maybe I'm just a tad bit slow. (shh!)

Okay, next thing I wanted to bring up was toward the end of the story where the lights go out and it appears Rory has saved Addie. My first thought was, how the heck did he manage such a thing when the situation seemed to be so critical? Also, if she had escaped, how is it she ended up in the place she was in the first chapter? Maybe I'm a little bit lost, but I don't think it's too necessary for me to have to be if everything came off a bit clearer. But I'm assuming your third entry to this will be a lot more help in settling your story in a certain, easily digestable place.

For the most part your grammar and sentence structure is really good, so it wasn't hard to not pick apart your story in that way, but there were a few little nitpicks I had. Which I'll point out for you below to tie in with the rest of my review.

He was followed by a girl whose dark features and childish smile made it easy to guess their relation.

It seemed like there were a few missing words in there so I just added them in. Another thing I wanted to point out was this:

“Lookie at what I found here, boss. A little mousey was hiding away in the closet(,)” he said with a smile into her ear.

I noticed you end the dialogue with a period before getting through the rest of the sentence that belongs with it. You're explaining that he said that, therefore you continue on with a period until you get in every part of the sentence. Also, the way you concluded that piece of dialogue sounded a bit off to me as well. I think it could sound better rewritten as: "he said into her ear with a smile". Otherwise it sounds like you're meaning he "said a smile into her ear". I know that's not what you meant but it reads of a bit weird that way.

It wasn’t a gesture that would have been thought twice about by anyone else(.) She looked at the light switch and suddenly the room went dark.

This just seemed to me like it were meant to be two separate sentences, so I separated them.

“Be safe(.)” He kissed her forehead before disappearing once again.

Those were the few nitpicks I had with this. Easily correctable, so I hope I didn't come off as too much of a prude in pointing them out. x) I hope my review is in some way helpful to you! I enjoyed reading your work. It makes my job in reviewing so much easier and less of a pain when I can stumble upon something cool like it.

-Smylin'

P.S.
--Rory, such an awesome character name by the way, God yes.

Wow, this is getting really good. You fixed every nit-picky grammatical thing that was wrong with the first chapter, and I loved the flashback itself. Just one thing, the rule of thumb for flashbacks is that they generally have something to let readers know that they are a flashback. The most common one I find is that they're italicized. It just lets the reader know that something is different. It aids in their understanding, and is better than coming out and saying something cheesy like "three years ago" or something of the sort.

The plot itself is still a bit fuzzy, but I don't really have a problem with that seeing as this is only the second chapter. And as you said, it would probably be good just to attach this to the first chapter, it's short enough and would fit easily. Your characters are good so far, and I found Frank really creepy. Just the image of a little kid with a butcher knife and a smile reminds me of The Shining in a twisted sort of way... I love it and I hope to see him again. Finally your descriptions could be more vivid. Is the room clean? Is it dirty? Is it broken down? Also, the sequence where they warp to the parking lot is confusing. You might be able to add some 'in-transit' stuff, like they're moving in a blur or through a tunnel or something like that.

So all in all you're doing a really good job. Keep the chapters coming!

SmylinG - Thank you for reviewing once again. Would you mind if I requested a review from each time I post a scene from this novel? Yes, that is how much I'm loving them. :] In response to your review:

1. I'm definitely going to be tacking it onto the last scene. :]
2. I hope you will as well, I'm trying to think of a way to explain things like the setting and the situation before hand without resorting to info dumps or those silly conversations about them... I think I might have a way, but it won't be for two more scenes... which should be the second chapter.
3. That's mostly why I'm asking for all the questions and such, I know exactly what's going on and it's hard for me to separate from the story enough to remember to reveal things that may or may not be common knowledge to the reader. And yeah, Panacea isn't something you should know unless you grab a dictionary, but will explain what that is later.
4. I thought how Rory managed it would be obvious. I mean, he does it twice within the whole scene. :] But I'll elaborate on that more as well in later chapters.

Anyways, all your questions will be answered soon.

CRL - I'm glad there's less nitpicky stuff. I'll definitely start italicizing the flashbacks so they will be more noticeable. And yeah, the plot is kind of meant to be fuzzy, but it should clear up. I love Frank as well. :] I'll also describe the room a little bit more when I edit. And yeah, the part where they appear in the parking lot is supposed to be a bit confusing. Thanks for the review!

Go right on ahead and request whatever reviews you like.

Wow, this is great, just like the first chapter.

When the flashback started I was sure she was going to be kidnapped, but then she escaped... weird. I guess that'll be explained in the next chapter I guess I'll go read it then

Hi there!

Thanks for the request and I'm also sorry that I didn't get to this any sooner. Truth is, I was on vacation and all the free time I had was used to do time-wasting activities rather than any work such as YWS and writing. Butttt I'm here now so yay?

So, I actually did read the first chapter of this. I didn't review it or comment on it because you already had so many great thoughts and reviews from other members and my review/comment would have been otherwise quite meaningless since I didn't have anything new to point out. I did like that chapter though, I did agree with the others that it would've been better in first person though, there were times when I was actually confused as to what was really going on there. lol

Now, for this chapter, the beginning was quite confusing for me. I mean, you introduced three character right off the bat with little or no visual back-up to let us readers know what we're supposed to picture. It's important that you build a picture as well as write fluidly one action after the next so we know what's going on. There were times where I was confused with the order of events in this.

I think you mentioned this before somewhere about your writing being more telly than showy. This can be somewhat of a problem, telly writing won't really get you far - I'm sure you already know this much. So, the question is how are we going to get you to write more showy? There should be somewhat of a balance between the two. Half and half.

When I write, I try to use longer sentences and add emotion, emotion will make pieces feel more 3D and more showy. When writing action, it's harder to 'show' than to 'tell' what happen. "He kicked her in gut" -> "His leg flew up, hitting her in the gut. She crouched over, shock and pain evident in her eyes." Use two - three sentences to explain the emotion and all that good stuff. Don't be afraid to make it longer. However, beware of over-doing your descriptions too.

As for your story, it seems like it's interesting but right now I feel like there's a lot of things happening right away that it's hard to steer the car in the right direction if you know what I mean. We hardly know the main character and her relations to everyone around here so it's hard to pick up on things right away like this. Well, that's how it was for me anyway.

Overall, it's decent but it still needs some brushing up. Hopefully my review helped some and if you have any further questions just give me a pm or something and I'll be happy to answer any questions. ^___^

Ke