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1.3 | Back in the White Box



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14 Reviews



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Points: 2781
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Wed Jun 22, 2011 7:36 pm
SteviexOctopus says...



Again questions, theories? Also feel free to leave something you'd like reviewed with your own review. :D

Enjoy!

1.3 | Back in the White Box

“Adelaide? Are you listening to me?” the woman’s melodic voice cut through Addie’s dreams. She peered at the television set from under her pillow, and Madame Councilor was glaring at her with a smile on her face.

“No,” Addie responded, her voice slightly muffled from the pillow.

“Ah, that is a shame,” she responded, the television went back to the droning static. Instantly, Addie felt calmer like the world was no longer closing in on itself. She covered her head with her pillow once more. Loosing herself in the static that pierced through her pillow. Maybe she could manage to suffocate herself and be rid of this awful place.

Alas that would be pointless. Rory would be looking for her, and she knew he would have a way to get her out. In the meantime she would just have to ride it out. Keep mindful of opportunities to escape.

Removing the pillow, Addie leaned against the wall, resting her head against her knees she began to think. Her eyes burned holes into the television as she did. It seemed to be her only means of communication. The only thing she could talk to, the only thing she may ever talk to. She switched trains of thought. No point in thinking like that, it would only bring back the pointless tears.

As time moved on, the room began to change, growing darker as if the room was being illuminated by a sun. Still she sat, until the room was completely dark besides for the television screen, which emitted an eerie glow. She was sure of two things.

1. She was being watched

2. She really had to pee

She slowly moved from her position, crawling back down towards the television and started turning dials. Until finally the woman was back on the screen.

“Stop that!” The woman reprimanded.

“Sorry,” Addie muttered.

“Ahem… well, there is no excuse for that. If you had been listening earlier you would have known to ring the bell, should you be in need of my services.” The woman continued, pointing up. Addie followed her point and sure enough there was a silver bell, like the ones found on shop counters, on top of the television.

“I didn’t notice that…” Addie responded, more to herself then the woman. “Anyways, I really have to pee.”

“Ah, well then, there’s a bathroom to your right. Don’t hesitate to ring the bell should you need anything else.” The woman said, the screen turned off, leaving Addie in the dark. Except now there was a low light coming from her left, she turned and was surprised by a large rectangle that seemed to have been cut out of the wall. Addie stood up and walked towards it.

It was a bathroom. Built to use as minimal space as possible, the floor was completely tiled with a drain in the center. The toilet sat in one corner, a stainless steel simple toilet like the ones found in prisons, there was a shower curtain pushed off to the opposite wall, barely blocking a shower head facing the toilet. The sink was on the wall next to the door. There were white fluffy towels on a shelf above it, and on the wall next to the toilet was a metal hatch, a little smaller than a foot, with a sign above it with the words “laundry” above it.

Addie walked into the bathroom and closed the curtain as she did her business, for the bathroom had no door. Then she walked to the mirror and gazed at her reflection. She felt disconnected from the face in the mirror. As if she were staring at a painting rather than a mirror. Her face looked naked without her usual black mask, her normally bright blue eyes were dull grey but otherwise she looked healthier than she had ever been.

Addie turned the faucet on and let the water run through her fingers, hypnotized by the white stream. She shut it off quickly, not wanting to lose her mind in the water. As a last thought she turned around and turned on the shower. She undressed, throwing her clothes down the laundry shoot, and stepped under the warm water, letting it wash over her and clear her mind.

She let out a sigh, closing her eyes and leaning against the wall. Addie lost all sense of time, just letting the water run over her, never did the temperature change. Finally when she could no longer ignore the growling in her belly, she shut off the water and grabbed the towel from over the sink. Dripping wet and shivering, she looked around for her clothes. Only to remember that she had tossed them down the shoot.

Aggravated she walked through the door to her room, her hand was inches from the bell when she noticed the change. On her bed there was a new dress and a breakfast tray. She sat down next to the tray, examining the strange contents.
There was a bowl of orange mush, a tall glass of a creamy dark purple liquid, a plate with blue sponge-like blocks and lastly there was a small vase with a little indigo flower. Her stomach growled, whatever this was it would have to do. She stood up once more, and took her clothes into the bathroom to change. When she got back she started sniffing the food, it was scentless.

Addie started nibbling at it and beyond the strange texture there wasn’t anything special about the taste. She slowly worked her way through the food, eating it all and even taking a few experimental sips of the purplish liquid. It tasted sweet but overall flavorless.

By the time the tray was void of all food, Addie was feeling sleepy. She moved the tray to the floor, and barely had her head on the pillow before she was fast asleep.
.:~|The Red Ink Emporium!|~:.
"What's the point of being grown-up if you can't act childish sometimes?"
  





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Thu Jun 23, 2011 3:14 am
CRL says...



Good job with this (as always). Just a few more nit-picky things; the "shoot" in laundry "shoot" should be "chute." Train of thought is usually singular (I've never seen it any other way). How I've seen it would be instead of "she switched trains of thought", it would be "she switched her train of thought".

Content-wise everything is unfolding nicely. I'm beginning to understand Addie a little more, which is always a good thing, and you threw in some physical description with the mirror. As for the others I'm also enjoying what little I've seen of Madame Councilor, and Rory is beginning to sound like he could be interesting. The story is flowing well and is an easy read without any over-description (although once the setting gets more interesting I'd like to see some). And this is just me wondering, but is there a little bit of inspiration from The Maze Runner by James Dashner in here? They just feel a little similar to me. :smile:
"They don't have meetings about rainbows."
-Cole Sear, The Sixth Sense
  





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Thu Jun 23, 2011 4:11 am
SteviexOctopus says...



CRL - thank you for another awesome review! :D I glad that you are starting to understand her better, I'd love to know who you think she is so far. (just so I can see her through another's eyes) And while I've read The Maze Runner, this idea was forming in my head before I did. I actually read the Maze Runner for a very specific reason you will probably see very soon. :] Thanks again!
.:~|The Red Ink Emporium!|~:.
"What's the point of being grown-up if you can't act childish sometimes?"
  





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Sat Jun 25, 2011 7:09 pm
MapleCFreter says...



Amazing, just like the last three..... I'm really starting to get into this story. I can't wait for something to happen, other than her just walking around the white room. I'm kind of conflicted on this. I like how your building up to something, however it would probably be a bit better to have something happen a bit earlier on. Right now it's just reading like: she had to pee, she used the bathroom, she took a shower, etc..... It's really not that bad, because I'm still interested in the story, but it would be nice to here some of her thoughts :P

When she was putting her clothes down the laundry chute I was like: I'd never do that if I was trapped in a place by my enemies, I wouldn't trust them to give it back.
That brings me to my next point, she does seem pretty trusting of these people. Like how she ate the drugged food (I'm assuming it's drugged) without even contemplating hunger over being drugged. It would have been interesting to hear her thoughts on this.

I'm pretty new on here (and I'm still figuring out how to quote things) but I assumed this v means you want to read something of mine :/
feel free to leave something you'd like reviewed with your own review.


could you read some of my book "The Marked" http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/novel.php?id=1558 (I hope I did that right) :D
  








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