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The Theory of Parallelism - Chapter 1 [Edit 1]



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Sat Jul 02, 2011 2:52 am
LoveStrykes says...



I’ve been having dreams lately; to that, one might say, “Well, Christopher, everyone has dreams. What’s so special about yours?” In response, I would say, “Of course everyone has dreams, but what if you thought your dreams were a little more than dreams?”

Recently, my dreams have consisted of a land of wild vegetation and primitive-looking civilizations. Different creatures, which I’ve never seen before, roamed the plains, and a girl, a girl in very peculiar clothing, would fight them off. It was a land teeming with magic, and the magic was purely, well, magic! I guess the best way to describe them would be that they looked like the special effects in some high-budget superhero movie. That girl whom I was talking about earlier would use magic. I’m completely serious. Magical energy, which looked like blue fire, would shoot forth from her hands and kill the creatures. And I can’t help but pay attention to the idea tugging on the edge of my mind that said, “Christopher, these are not just dreams.”

Boy, Freud would have tons of fun figuring out the different crap that’s going on in this head.

As I pondered this, I swirled the milk and unsweetened wheat Cheerios in my cereal bowl with my spoon. Yeah, this is how I think on a daily basis; after all, what’s an unemployed, teen college graduate supposed to do?

And here comes Thaddeus. “Hey, sport,” said my father.

“Hello, Thaddeus,” I said in my own quiet way.

Without the frequent lecture on calling him “dad”, he tossed the newspaper next to my bowl and sat in the chair opposite to me. The paper was opened to the jobs page. “It looks like that war is still going on. What a travesty.” I was about to say “which one, dumbass”, but he kept running his mouth. “Anyway, look through the classifieds. Our department head is looking for a secretary, but if you don’t want to do that, at least look through the classifieds. I think you’d be well-suited for a job, especially the secretary job.”

I sighed and picked up the paper, flipping from the classifieds to the front page. As I eyed the first article, I said, “Thaddeus, I’m perfectly content with resting my butt on the couch and casually curling up to a good Dickens novel.”

“Christopher, you’ve read David Copperfield too many times to count.”

Getting up with the used silverware and glass cereal bowl in hand, I lied, “I’ll think about the job thing.”

After I put the bowl and utensils in the sink, I headed to the door with my keys and jacket and glanced over my shoulder, “I’m going to go see Lynn. Ciao.” And with that, I left.

Unlike me, Lynn is still in high school. To be exact, she is a junior at Westview. I’ll never forget how we met. After all, what kind of guy would forget the first girl that turned him down? Males in general are pretty prideful, so the answer is none. Long story short, back when I wasn’t such a lazy ass, I always attended the city museum’s art class, which Lynn happened to attend all the time. Eventually, with my persistent attempts at verbal communication, we met, and we started to hang out. About a few months later, we started to date. Yay for happy endings. Granted that she asked me out, but still: yay for happy endings.

She is a pretty cool girlfriend, and I think she feels vice versa about me except, you know, I’m her boyfriend. While I have no talent, Lynn is a master digital artist. Unlike me, she hates reading unless the book is a comic book. Unlike me, she is totally into mainstream music. And unlike me, she has tons of friends, guys and girls.

I don’t mind it, though. She has her strengths and weaknesses, and I have my strengths and weaknesses. At least, that’s what the rational part of me thinks. I, as a hormonal teenager, want to curl into a ball and start crying at the fact that I’m a jealous book nerd who is into bands that no one but stoners knows about and who has no friends. Lovely life.

Despite Lynn’s feelings for me, her mom did not approve. Mrs. Crawford was not exactly too keen on the idea of her daughter dating a guy fresh out of college, even though the college was Harvard (not a crazy partying college) and I’m just a year older than Lynn. Still, for the sake of Lynn's happiness, Mrs. Crawford let us date.

I rang the doorbell and when the door opened, a stout woman with bouncy, blonde hair answered the door. I greeted Mrs. Crawford nicely even with her glaring eyes staring at me and walked past her smoothly.

Lynn’s house was small and very homely. It looked like a grandmother’s house, the kind that you’d see in movies. The floors were made of old-fashioned fuzzy, gray carpet, and the walls were painted teal. Pictures of Lynn’s family were in frames and hanging on the walls. I reached the door at the end of the hallway, which was Lynn’s room, and when I knocked gently, I heard a girl yell incoherently.

“Lynn, it’s Christopher,” I said, “I’m coming in.”

Lynn’s room was a typical artist’s room: askew and messy. The shelves were lined up with graphic design and instructional Photoshop books, and old stuffed animals from her childhood complemented the beige walls of her bedroom. After a few seconds, Lynn noticed my presence and swiveled around in her chair.

She has blonde hair and blue eyes like her mother, but instead of it being bouncy, her hair was clearly straight. Her serious demeanor changed into something light and carefree at the sight of me. “Hey, Christopher.”

I sat on her floral patterned bed, and she sat in her chair.

“How was school?” I said eagerly.

“Oh, well, the usual…” Lynn started as she began to list off everything she did at school.

This was our usual routine. I’d ask her how her day was, she’d tell me every little detail, and I would absorb everything like a sponge. Usually, guys would hate listening to their girlfriends, but I loved it. It was like I was reading a story that I had never known, never heard about, and never read reviews for it. The story of an average high school life. You might say that I’m using her just for that since I hadn’t mentioned at all why I wanted her as my girlfriend. Well, I am using her for that. I totally am, and I’m not proud of it. Just count your blessings that it’s not sex.

“Christopher? Christopher,” Lynn repeated, trying to get my attention.

“Hm?”

Lynn smiled and said, “Christopher, what are you thinking about?”

I stuttered but said nothing that sounded like words.

Lynn laughed and said, “I was saying, do you love me?”

Being the clever thinker that I am, I blurted, “Love is a very, um, strong term. It’s an emotion of affection and personal attachment. Love could also mean friendship.” Yep. Really clever.

Lynn stared at me and said, “Chris. We’ve been dating for a year now. Really, you couldn’t have had any strong feelings for me without wanting to break up with me.”

Don't call me Chris, and of course not, Lynn. I don’t want to break up with you; otherwise, you wouldn’t tell me about your life anymore. Wow, that sounded really bad. At least I didn’t say it out loud.

A silence was starting to arise, so I shot out whatever I could think of, “Don’t you think we’re too young to understand what relationship love really is? You know, the love that you’re thinking of is the kind of love that married couples deal with. And we’re not even married. I think you're expecting too much.”

Lynn stared at me, probably in shock and rage at what I said, and I, sick of this talk, got up and left. Just like that. I walked out of her room and out of the house. Got in my car and drove off to my house.

I’m a dick.
Last edited by LoveStrykes on Sun Jul 03, 2011 12:06 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sat Jul 02, 2011 3:24 am
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Shakyll says...



This...is really good. I love his edgy attitude, and how you describe him as being "I, as a hormonal teenager, want to curl into a ball and start crying at the fact that I’m a jealous book nerd who is into bands that no one but stoners knows about and who has no friends. Lovely life." <<<<Champion sentence.
And the rest of it--the sentences are put together very well. Your wording and your edgy style are impressive.
Basically...I really, really like it. Please tell me you're writing another chapter :D
--Shackled
  





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Sat Jul 02, 2011 3:35 am
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TylynRae says...



I totally loved this!

First: The freud pun was absolutely hilarious. Considering I'm huge into psychology, that won some total brownie points =]
Two: I LOVE that this is isn't a stereotypical set up for a boy and girl couple. Usually its the smart girl, the nonchalant boy. But instead he's a total book worm and she's just awesome!

You have a very nice way of explaining things and going into detail. I wasn't lost for a second and your way of introducting characters and talking DIRECTLY to the reader, was really eye catching =]]]

You have a really solid piece here =] I can't wait to read more!
TylynTyrannosaurus<3 (tydecker777)
  





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Sat Jul 02, 2011 8:56 am
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sid26 says...



This so too good. I agree with all that is said here. All I can say is keep reading and writing and write more to this because I want to read more. :)
  





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Sat Jul 02, 2011 8:46 pm
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tinny says...



Hellooo, LoveStrykes!

The beginning to this seems kinda fuzzy to me. The paragraph itself is a little large, and especially for something that is essentially the very start of a novel, its size is a tad daunting. There's also a lot of repetition within it, with words and ideas being repeated. Even just breaking it down into smaller chunks might make it a bit more manageable, and I'd recommend reading it out-loud to yourself, that always helps me to pick up on the things that my eyes tend to skip over, and because it's engaging a different part of your brain you process it in a slightly different way.

Sometimes, you have the tendency to drop in little bits of information that aren't really needed, especially right at the beginning, and again tend to repeat the information a bit, or describe things in a rather round-about manner. It does give a very strong identity and voice to Christopher from the offset, but makes the whole thing a little slow.

For example:

As I pondered this, I swirled the milk and unsweetened wheat Cheerios in my cereal bowl with my spoon. Yeah, this is how I think on a daily basis; after all, what’s an unemployed, teen college graduate supposed to do? Speaking of being unemployed, I should go find a job. Something lucrative should be good. But then again, that’s what I always say before I think of the manual and tedious labor. Of course, the laziness on my part always annoys the hell out of Thaddeus, and hey, that might be the reason why I do it.

I liked the beginning of this paragraph because it's something so simple and every-day, but then the rest of it is like someone's disorganised train of though. While it does reflect how we think, it is a little hard to read, bouncing from one idea to the other.

even though the college was Harvard (not a crazy partying college)

I've not been to Harvard but knowing students (and being one myself), I can guarantee that there'll be some kind of drinking culture there ;) it might not be as big as other places, but it will still exist.

There's a lot of other little bits of information too, Christopher calling his Dad Thaddeus rather than Dad, how he and Lynn met, and then a whole section about Christopher and Lynn, their similarities and differences, the details of Lynn's house. I can get the idea though, it's like you've got this detailed back-story that you've built up in your head and I know how tempting it is to want to get it all out there and show us everything that you've come up with. The problem is that it currently reads more as telling than showing, and slows down the story even more. If these interesting details are going to be important to the plot later it's better to bring them in gradually and subtly, and if not then sometimes (although it's not really fun) it's better to just leave them out.

In the end, I think that's my main gripe with this. You're trying to tell us so much all at once that it doesn't really leave much for things to actually, y'know, happen. Christoper has breakfast, goes to see Lynn, and then they break up.

That said, there is something quite charming about it's rambling quality, it gives this piece a very clear voice and sets a really nice tone. I've started listening to discworld audiobooks at the moment, and it kinda reminds me of that, in a way. I think that it just goes a bit too far, and you just need to reign it in a bit rather than getting rid of it altogether, if that makes sense?

I do feel bad for Christopher in the end though. I mean, I almost feel bad for feeling bad because I don't really know Lynn at all. But, it seems to me that she says things that are a little scarey in relationships, while Chris comes out with what I could consider to be a thoughtful and honest response. Poor Chris :c

Anyway, I hope I've been of some help to you! I'm really interested to see how a science fiction element is going to play into this c: If you any questions or anything you'd like me to explain, feel free to shoot me a PM and whatnot!


- Tinny
please grant me my small wish; (love me to the marrow of my bones)
  





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Thu Jul 07, 2011 3:23 am
Dethl says...



This is good, i like his attitude, you know his sarcasm - the way he expresses himself, my toughs (and the plot XD) tell me that this will be a great adventure, awesome!
  








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