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Parallel chapter 4



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Mon Jul 04, 2011 3:11 am
IKnowAll says...



Hey people, I've had this typed for awhile, and was trying to finish up the chapter, but today I decided I could just have it from storm's view in the next chapter. And here's the summary up to this point...
Spoiler! :
storm and angel live in an alternate universe (world 0) and go to earth (world 1751) even though they're not supposed to (it's punishable by death), storm ends up in another earth world (1752) meanwhile sage sees angel running away from people, leaves her house, picks up angel's pager, (a futuristic device from world 0, kind of like an iphone but more advanced and not an apple product 'cause that would be copywrited) and escapes the forest when it's burned down by people from world 0. Sage then ends up being interrogated, but mid-interrogation, an alarm goes off and the interrogators leave. She then picks up the pager (in an evidence bag) and runs outside where she almost gives the pager to a world 0 agent, but angel intervenes and then runs away.
Too long? I'm bad at summarizing. Too vague? Read chapters 1-3. Comprende?

Chapter 4 (Peace)


Where was he? Where’s storm! I hope he’s alright... Will he recognize me? I thought. I hoped he would. I’d missed him. We were best friends when we were younger. He’d always tried to understand me, when others gave up because of my overwhelming intellect. This intelligence was a hard thing to bear. He’d helped me through it, and I was grateful. It’d been years since I’d seen him, and I’d never paid him back for being so nice to me. I guess this was my chance. I know it seems selfish, with the current circumstances, but part of me was happy about all this. I would finally get to see him again. I wonder. How much has he changed? Regardless, I hope he’s glad to see me.

3 hours ago


Awhile had past since I received news of the trouble Storm and Angel had caused. Why would they do something like this? Did Storm put Angel up to it? No, she’d only do something like that if it was her idea and she wanted to... But something was bothering me. The news on the event was the same in both universes. But that couldn’t be correct. They were smarter than that. There would have to be at least a slight difference. Sounds like someone is covering up the truth, to me. There would have been something different. Plus, I knew it was a lie that they’d caught and killed both. It was virtually impossible for something like that to happen. I decided it would be good to do a bit of hacking. But I’d made a promise. A promise to never hack unless necessary. That was the requirement to be taught hacking from the best person at it in the world. It took awhile to decide whether to do this or not, but I finally decided I’d just have to try. It was necessary for me, because I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t do it, and I didn’t have much of a chance anyway, if the government’s computer systems were as sophisticated as they were said to be. I sighed, and attempted to hack into the government website. It was almost scary how easy it was to hack in. Something was wrong with this picture.

Oh well, whatever the problem was, I’d better get this over with. I looked at the information on those two worlds. Sure enough, They were different than the public thought they were. First off, Angel and Storm had been separated, and were in different universes now. The agents not only didn’t catch either of them, but they burned down the forests in both universes in an attempt to kill them. They failed, and worsened the matter, unbelievably, four people died from the fire in one universe. But only three died in the other. Furthermore... What? The person who survived in one universe had Angel’s pager! They’ll be killed! And... What’s this? It is suspected that terrorist research facilities are there? In Storm’s world! Oh no... I need to protect him! I took a subway to Multiverse port, and looked toward the forbidden worlds. If Angel could do this, I definitely can! I thought. After all, I too, had the trait sparking immense intelligence. The white eyes.

Turns out they’d tightened security ever since they got infiltrated by a little girl. Well, it’s about to happen again. Or so I told myself until I tried. No matter how hard I tried, I didn’t manage to make a dent in their hacking defenses. I sighed. I hated to do this, but I had no choice. I found my teacher. She would probably be angry at me, but I had to protect Storm. Once I’d found my teacher’s house, I nervously tapped on the door. When she opened the door, she asked: “What are you doing here? It’s still Saturday, you know.” She was a small, plump, woman, in her late forties as far as I knew.

“Yes, but a friend of mine... I need your help to protect him,” I said.

“Who’s that?” she asked.

“Storm. They’re going to try to kill him, even though the universes weren’t in perfect sync to begin with!”

“Storm, eh? Is he cute?”

“Huh?” I said, trying to show as little emotion as possible, but only managing so for about half a second. “Uh... What does that have to do with this?” I said, blushing a little.

“Oh, you don’t want to tell me about it?”

“Why would I?”

“Because I’ll help you if you do.”

“That’s not fair!”

“Hey, I share some of my secrets, you share some of yours, eh?”

“Um,” I said, panicking, I’d never told anyone about how I felt about storm before. “He’s very important to me. Please help.”

“So he is cute!”

“Yeah, Uh, sure.”

“Okay! What do you need to be hacked?”

“You’ll really help me? Thank you!” I said, though I was also happy to get off the subject of Storm.

“Yeah, but we don’t have all day.”

I explained what I’d learned by hacking the government website. She sighed, then said: “Well, as long as you don’t come back here for good without clearing their names, I’m on your side.”

“Good, how do you suppose I get in?”

“I designed the antivirus systems, so I know their weaknesses.”

“You designed them?”

“Yeah, I mean, who better to turn to than me when they want the best security?”

“Oh... I see. Let’s go.” I said, then begun walking back out the door.

“Wait for me!” she said, and ran after me.

And so we got in her ship and flew to multiverse port. When we arrived, she gave me instructions on entry, and I followed them. I disabled the cameras using the account of a government employee on the port’s website. Then entered through the door closest to the portal, melting a hole in the palm scanner control box, then plugging my pager into it with a cable. It wasn’t hard to hack in, using my teacher’s algorithm. Then, I walked through all the doors to the portal. The computers were the guards, so once here, no one could stop me. I walked to the portal, and entered it curiously.

Current time


I felt the gravity change, and looked around. The forest was in ruin. I saw a road off to my right, and begun walking that way. Looking around, I saw that it was barely dawn. When I reached the road, I looked up and down it. I saw nothing significant but a sign. It pointed in front of me. I saw no cars, so I begun jumping that way. Once I’d neared the city, I slowed to a walk. I felt that I was moving painfully slow. This was like torture. I can’t wait to see him again! Where would he be? I wondered as I entered the city. Knowing him, probably the first place he could find that was in any way comfortable. I imagined him laying down in a dumpster somewhere. Ew, he wouldn’t do that! I thought, and pushed the thought from my mind. When I got to the city, I saw someone leaning against a newspaper stand. I walked over to them curiously. It was Storm. “Storm! You’re alright! I was so worried!” I said. He didn’t respond. “Storm? Storm! Did something happen! Are you okay? Storm!” I said, panicking. “Yeah, I’m fine! Sheesh, can’t I get some sleep? Don’t do that again, please. I had a really weird drea...” He trailed off, then said: “Peace? What are you doing here?”

“Saving your ass.” I replied.

“From wha...” He begun to say, then his eyes darted right and left. “Then it wasn’t a dream?”

“Nope.”

“Oh...” He started crying. Then covered his face with his hands.

“Storm? Um...” I said, then tried to remember what he’d done whenever I’d been crying. I gently put my hand on his shoulder, and said: “Okay, just tell me what happened. It’ll be okay,” in as soothing a voice as I could.

“No it won’t! They’re dead! Angel’s all alone, and will probably be dead soon too! Plus I’ll never be able to go back to World 0! How could that possibly turn out okay! And now you’re here! They’ll catch me eventually, why the hell did you come? Now it’s twice as easy for them to find us and half as easy to protect ourselves!” He yelled, then blushed, and said: “Sorry. Forget it.” Now I was crying. How dare he say that! After I come all this way to help him! I thought, and sank to my knees. Then I realized he was right, which made me cry more. He put his hand gently on my shoulder and whispered: “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” I’d missed this. I felt as if a missing part of myself had been returned to me, and the crying stopped. I think coming here was worth it. I thought smiling, then blushed, but thankfully he didn’t see it.
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."
-Mark Twain
  





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Fri Jul 08, 2011 7:32 pm
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CaseySaz says...



The idea behind your story interested me from the beginning. The concept of different universes is hard to wrap your mind around; it really makes you think. Here are my questions/comments/concerns:
1. I don't understand why Storm would mean so much to Peace if they haven't seen each other in so long. I know that they were friends as children, but it just seems a bit unrealistic. I would put a snippet in there of why he means so much to her. Maybe a story from their childhood.
2. It's a bit choppy. Their are a lot of short, undeveloped ideas in one, large paragraph. I would separate each paragraph into a few smaller ones and then expand your ideas.
3. You need to start a new line every time a new person speaks.
4. It can get a bit confusing. I think this is mostly because you don't expand on your ideas enough. (the "hacking")I think that your ideas are interesting, but you don't explain them enough, leaving the reader confused.

So overall, you have a lot of interesting ideas and concepts in your head, but I would suggest you explain them more. I know I do that a lot, too. I completely understand something in my head and I assume the reader does too, so I don't bother to explain it fully. Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between what you know and what the reader knows. SO, you have a good foundation, just try to build it up some more!
  





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Thu Jul 14, 2011 7:57 pm
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megsug says...



Hey,
Your summary made this sound interesting, so I'm going to take a crack at this. You've got a pretty cool idea here.

Regardless, I hope he’s glad to see me.
With the rest of this paragraph, I think hope needs to be hoped.


Awhile had past since I received news of the trouble Storm and Angel had caused.
So... I could have this wrong, but think there are two awhiles. One is "I'll be back in awhile" and the other is the kind you have. In your case, I think you shoud have a and while seperated. Really, it's not that good of a descriptor since a while could be thirty minutes to three hours.

Sounds like someone is covering up the truth, to me.
This annoys me, and I do this when I write in first person for long periods of time which is why I don't. It sounds very informal, like you're talking to the reader when you're actually... writing a book. You need a suject and a verb. Here you only have a verb. Basically, put it before sounds.
Also, you switch tenses, and it's a little confusing. You should probably check for that when you proofread your story.


That was the requirement to be taught hacking from the best person at it in the world.
Best person at it sounds awkward. Why not replace it with hacker?

I wouldn’t forgive myself if I didn’t do it,
I think people say couldn't.

Sure enough, They were different than the public thought they were.
They should be lowercase.

First off, Angel and Storm had been separated, and were in different universes now. The agents not only didn’t catch either of them, but they burned down the forests in both universes in an attempt to kill them. They failed, and worsened the matter, unbelievably, four people died from the fire in one universe. But only three died in the other. Furthermore... What? The person who survived in one universe had Angel’s pager! They’ll be killed! And... What’s this? It is suspected that terrorist research facilities are there? In Storm’s world! Oh no... I need to protect him!
This is a mixture of thoughts and narration here, and it's confusing, not to mention odd sounding. Personally, I would add more, "I paled at the information on the screen, three people dead in universe so and so. Four dead in the other." It tells of her reaction without her having to tell us what she's thinking all the time.

“Storm, eh? Is he cute?”
“Because I’ll help you if you do.”
“Hey, I share some of my secrets, you share some of yours, eh?”
“So he is cute!”
This sounds nothing like a forty year old woman.

I felt the gravity change, and looked around.
No comma

I saw a road off to my right, and begun walking that way.
Began not begun. I've seen this a few times now. Watch out for it.

I saw no cars, so I begun jumping that way.
I know you don't mean for real jumping, but that's the image in my head right now. Jogged, ran, raced. Anything along those words would do better.
Again, begun should be began.


I thought, and pushed the thought from my mind.
No comma.

When I got to the city, I saw someone leaning against a newspaper stand. I walked over to them curiously. It was Storm.
So... she got to the city which brings images of skyscrapers and lots of people, thinks of Storm being in a dumpster, sees a random guy, approaches him like he might be Storm, though that's not very probable, and recognizes a guy she hasn't seen in years.
That's really convienent. I would have liked to see her struggle just a little. Maybe have a bit of panic thrown in there. Make her approach a police officer and get blown off as a crazy little girl.


“Storm! You’re alright! I was so worried!” I said. He didn’t respond. “Storm? Storm! Did something happen! Are you okay? Storm!” I said, panicking.
I agree with Casey here. This should be a new paragraph.
“Yeah, I’m fine! Sheesh, can’t I get some sleep? Don’t do that again, please. I had a really weird drea...” He trailed off, then said: “Peace? What are you doing here?”

“Saving your ass.” I replied.
Wow. She went from "Storm, I'm so relieved" to "I'm kinda irritated with you right now" very quickly for no obvious reason.

“Oh...” He started crying. Then covered his face with his hands.
“Storm? Um...” I said, then tried to remember what he’d done whenever I’d been crying. I gently put my hand on his shoulder, and said: “Okay, just tell me what happened. It’ll be okay,” in as soothing a voice as I could.
“No it won’t! They’re dead! Angel’s all alone, and will probably be dead soon too! Plus I’ll never be able to go back to World 0! How could that possibly turn out okay! And now you’re here! They’ll catch me eventually, why the hell did you come? Now it’s twice as easy for them to find us and half as easy to protect ourselves!” He yelled, then blushed, and said: “Sorry. Forget it.” Now I was crying. How dare he say that! After I come all this way to help him! I thought, and sank to my knees. Then I realized he was right, which made me cry more. He put his hand gently on my shoulder and whispered: “I’m sorry. You didn’t deserve that.” I’d missed this. I felt as if a missing part of myself had been returned to me, and the crying stopped. I think coming here was worth it. I thought smiling, then blushed, but thankfully he didn’t see it.
This seems like a lot of crying for a "We're in danger" situation. Storm... eh... I guess he can be crying, but Peace was really wimpy. If she's angry, make her yell at him. Then she can feel bad for yelling at him because, yeah, he's right, and she can turn away because she doesn't want him to see how lost and alone she feels. Then he can say his sweet little apology thing. It is your story though, so do what you think is best.


So, this is really interesting, but I'm a little shell shocked because so many ideas were introduced. I feel like you could go for more reaction and less thoughts and feelings.
Storm seems like my kind of character. I normally like characters like him.
I hope my review helped.
Keep writing,
Megsug.
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To be a master of metaphor is the greatest thing by far. It is the one thing that cannot be learnt from others, and it is also a sign of genius.
— Aristotle, Poetics