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Colin Strider Chapter Four



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Sun Jul 10, 2011 5:44 pm
Napier says...



Colin woke from the nightmare with perspiration dripping down every inch of his body. The dream had caused a restless sleep even under heavy sedation, and, with the physical appearance of the gruesome tormenter in the smoke, it now seemed more vivid and horrifying than ever before.

If I ever get out of this, he thought. I can expect some pretty crappy nights.

He was tied on the damp floor of a warehouse.. That was all he could gather by looking through the solid blackness. No. Not solid. He looked to his left, rough rope digging into his wrists and scratching them with frayed, edgy material, and saw the car. It was parked unprofessionally a few metres from him. How Claw got it into a warehouse with no visible doors, least of all a door that could fit a large car through, was anyone’s guess.

The dark was interrupted by a flickering tail light that barely distorted it with a faint glow. By the glow, Colin could see that the boot of the car was open and the light reflected off a sticky substance on the floor where something ghastly was dragged further into the warehouse.

A moan sounded quietly behind him and he felt something shift. A hair brushed his cheek.

“Rachel,” Colin’s whisper was a hiss that seemed deafening in the silence. “Is that you?”

“Colin?” Rachel replied, her voice still groggy from the sedative. “Where are we?”

“I don’t know. It’s dark,” He looked around desperately for some more information to give her. “Um- a warehouse of some kind. I think.”

Colin’s breath was hard and fast with fear.

“Shit,” breathed Rachel. “I think I know where we are.”

“Bad news?”

“If I’m right- very.”

A loud crash and shouted swear words and they both jumped, their whole bodies tensing with fright. Claw was angry with something. A door swung open from a room at the far end of the warehouse and a pool of light swam out revealing more of the room they were trapped in.

It was huge, wide and long as a cathedral hall but empty, save for them and the car. Like Colin guessed, there were no large doors for a car and metal stairs and ladders led up to several balconies that looked unsafe and rusty.

From the increased light, he saw that the sticky substance on the floor was blood.

“Vector you ass!” screamed Claw. “Fucking- just go check if there awake. Probably are with the goddamn crash you made with your fucking noise and-“

Zacharias’ voice trailed away into obscene mutters as “Vector” appeared in the doorway.

Vector was huge and crab-like, in the fact that his form was a dark orange and his thick skin suggested a tough exoskeleton. His mouth was trapped by two mammoth, clicking mandibles and his bulbous eyes surveyed everything with acute intelligence. He wore a simple black jacket and trousers, which were ripped in some places to accommodate his massive figure.

Vector stood back and pointed at Claw through the doorway with great anger. His hands consisted of three thick pincers.

“Don’t you push me snake man!” he yelled in a strong, gravelly voice. He omitted power by just standing there.

“My old friend,” said Rachel slyly.

Colin could feel his lip begin to tremble at the sight of this beast, but he swallowed deeply. If he could handle Zacharias and lightning, he could handle this.

“You know him?” said Colin as Vector strode towards them.

“Take a look at his head,” said Rachel, and Colin could sense her smiling.

Colin did.

The top of Vectors skull caved in slightly at the top and spider web cracks ran down the exoskeleton of the monster’s head. The bright scarlet of a horrible burn completed the image of a ghastly head wound.

“That’s disgusting,” breathed Colin.

“That was me.”

Damn, Colin thought.
If Rachel had caused this Vector a serious head wound, there was no doubt he held a terrible grudge. They were dead for sure.

As Vector strode further towards them, Colin guessed he was maybe seven feet tall. His head was constantly twitching- no doubt the wound had caused some minor brain damage, even through a thick shell protecting his head. Vector seemed tetchy, on edge and irritable.

“Oh look,” he said. Colin was surprised at how beautiful his normal voice sounded. When yelling, Vector could command with a gruff, vicious power in his words, but speaking, his voice dripped with manipulative intelligence that was, in a way, even more terrifying.

“Do I see my old pal?”

Rachel twisted her head round to look at him. She winked.

“You do indeed, Mr. Sting.”

Vector Sting walked round them to face Rachel, ignoring the shivering Colin completely. He creature stood in front of her and defiantly folded his arms.

“I’m gonna hurt you.”

“I don’t think your boyfriend would approve-“

“You say one more word! I dare you!”

Rachel smiled. “Bubbles.”

Vector growled menacingly.

“They’re awake!” he yelled. “Can I kill them?”

Zacharias appeared through the door. He had taken off his trench coat and Colin was surprised how thin and lanky he looked. He guessed the trench coat was several sizes too big to give an appearance of bulk. He was breathing heavily and his hands were covered In blood.

“Get in here.” He squinted ominously at Vector. “Now.”

Vector made a sound of annoyance but reluctantly retreated towards Claw.

As he and Vector conversed in worried, hushed tones, Colin spied something. The warehouse was split into three sections; the main, wide expanse, a fairly large room at the far end that appeared to be a workshop of some kind, considering the large amount of whirs and crashes that were escaping from it, and a smaller room in the corner; in the shadows that looked neglected. Out of sight, out of mind- it was hiding something.

It had frosted windows that were stained in blood and covered with rusted bars, and the only door was small and padlocked tight shut with chains. A new red joined the blood stains- two glows like evil eyes. Peering. Surveying.

Vector and Zacharias disappeared with a slam of the door and Rachel went to work.

“Colin,” she spoke with heavy breaths and fast. “You’ve got a better view. Where are our bags?”

Colin had totally forgotten about them. He looked around desperately but couldn’t see them- the only thing he could see was a damp floor and the car.

The car.

He craned his neck and saw them- two rucksacks, black and purple, resting in the back seats.

“They’re in the car,” said Colin. “Back seat.”

“OK,” she said. “I’m going to try to burn this rope.”

“How?” said Colin, confused.

“Elements, remember?”

Of course Rachel could control an Element- Colin couldn’t believe how stupid he had been; how else would she have known everything she had told him? Still, it was a shock but after killing a boy with lightning and being kidnapped by two aliens, he tried desperately to suck it up.

It was hard.

After a couple of minutes of Rachel concentrating hard, she gave up with an exasperated sigh.

“Shit,” she said. “That sedation drug must have contained a power dampener.”

“You can dampen magic with drugs?”

“It’s not magic,” said Rachel, slumping onto Colin’s back, defeated. “Mutations in the blood cells. Drugs have been developed to clot the Elemental blood cells- known as E-Cells- and stop their full circulation, which will stop the power temporarily.”

“Temporarily?” said Colin, a little hope creeping into his mind. “So it might wear off soon?”

“The average dampener lasts about a week.”

The hope was gone.

“So,” said Colin.

“So,” said Rachel.

“What do we do?”

Rachel sighed.

“We wait.”

**

It was the next night. Colin and Rachel had waited for an entire day in the warehouse and had gathered, and worked out, the following knowledge.

They were on a planet known as Grungtor 5B, a prison planet; all the most wanted criminals of the galaxy (Rachel had told Colin that there were far more planets in the Milky Way than Earth, Gaia and Grungtor, and a hell of a lot of them were incredibly hostile) were thrown here with one warning.

Escape and you die.

Rachel knew this much because she recognised the warehouse, “Brookbug’s Warehouse”, an old storage facility for weapons. Apparently it was one of Zacharias’ favourite hidey-holes on Grungtor and this was where Vector had sustained his head wound. Who or what Brookbug was nobody new, as the warehouse was at least quite a few decades old.

It was also where Zacharias performed ghastly biological experiments.

Colin shuddered to think what he and Vector were doing in that room all that time.

They had also sussed that they weren’t going to be killed straight away.

They knew this because they had heard Zacharias say, “This is going to take a while,” and “We must show them before they die.”

They were building something in there. Something that they wanted to show Colin and Rachel before their untimely end.

They had also heard him say, “Wait ‘till the boy finds out what we’ve got in store for him,” followed by fits of giggles.

**
“Wait,” said Colin.

“What is it?” said Rachel.

“Why do you need our bags, anyway?”

It seemed like a long-shot to Colin, but it had just dawned on him that not asking simple questions could be jeopardising.

“My mobile phone,” she said. “Call for help.”

Colin smiled.

“You know I have my phone in my pocket?”

He could practically feel Rachel smile.

“Colin,” she said. “We’re saved.”
“It is the tale, not he who tells it.”
― Stephen King

“If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”
― Stephen King

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Thu Jul 14, 2011 9:43 pm
Davethepenquin says...



Glad to see you're keeping this novel up!
BadlyDrawnLightning wrote:Colin woke from the nightmare with perspiration dripping down every inch of his body. The dream had caused a restless sleep even under heavy sedation, and, with the physical appearance of the gruesome tormenter in the smoke, it now seemed more vivid and horrifying than ever before.
I love the description here. "Gruesome tormenter" stuck out to me as an awesome description.

If I ever get out of this, he thought. I can expect some pretty crappy nights.

He was tied on the damp floor of a warehouse.. That was all he could gather by looking through the solid blackness. No. Not solid. He looked to his left, rough rope digging into his wrists and scratching them with frayed, edgy material, and saw the car. It was parked unprofessionally a few metres from him. How Claw got it into a warehouse with no visible doors, least of all a door that could fit a large car through, was anyone’s guess.

The dark was interrupted by a flickering tail light that barely distorted it with a faint glow. By the glow, Colin could see that the boot of the car was open and the light reflected off a sticky substance on the floor where something ghastly was dragged further into the warehouse.

A moan sounded quietly behind him and he felt something shift. A hair brushed his cheek.

“Rachel,” Colin’s whisper was a hiss that seemed deafening in the silence. “Is that you?”

“Colin?” Rachel replied, her voice still groggy from the sedative. “Where are we?”

“I don’t know. It’s dark,” He looked around desperately for some more information to give her. “Um- a warehouse of some kind. I think.”

Colin’s breath was hard and fast with fear.

“Shit,” breathed Rachel. “I think I know where we are.”

“Bad news?”

“If I’m right- very.”

A loud crash and shouted swear words and they both jumped, their whole bodies tensing with fright. Claw was angry with something. A door swung open from a room at the far end of the warehouse and a pool of light swam out revealing more of the room they were trapped in.

It was huge, wide and long as a cathedral hall but empty, save for them and the car. Like Colin guessed, there were no large doors for a car and metal stairs and ladders led up to several balconies that looked unsafe and rusty.

From the increased light, he saw that the sticky substance on the floor was blood.

“Vector you ass!” screamed Claw. “Fucking- just go check if there awake. Probably are with the goddamn crash you made with your fucking noise and-"

Zacharias’ voice trailed away into obscene mutters as “Vector” appeared in the doorway.

Vector was huge and crab-like, in the fact that his form was a dark orange and his thick skin suggested a tough exoskeleton. His mouth was trapped by two mammoth, clicking mandibles and his bulbous eyes surveyed everything with acute intelligence. He wore a simple black jacket and trousers, which were ripped in some places to accommodate his massive figure. I like your inventive aliens. Looking foreword to seeing more.

Vector stood back and pointed at Claw through the doorway with great anger. His hands consisted of three thick pincers.

“Don’t you push me snake man!” he yelled in a strong, gravelly voice. He omitted power by just standing there.

“My old friend,” said Rachel slyly.

Colin could feel his lip begin to tremble at the sight of this beast, but he swallowed deeply. If he could handle Zacharias and lightning, he could handle this.

“You know him?” said Colin as Vector strode towards them.

“Take a look at his head,” said Rachel, and Colin could sense her smiling.

Colin did.

The top of Vectors skull caved in slightly at the top and spider web cracks ran down the exoskeleton of the monster’s head. The bright scarlet of a horrible burn completed the image of a ghastly head wound.

“That’s disgusting,” breathed Colin.

“That was me.”

Damn, Colin thought.
If Rachel had caused this Vector a serious head wound, there was no doubt he held a terrible grudge. They were dead for sure.

As Vector strode further towards them, Colin guessed he was maybe seven feet tall. His head was constantly twitching- no doubt the wound had caused some minor brain damage, even through a thick shell protecting his head. Vector seemed tetchy, on edge and irritable.

“Oh look,” he said. Colin was surprised at how beautiful his normal voice sounded. When yelling, Vector could command with a gruff, vicious power in his words, but speaking, his voice dripped with manipulative intelligence that was, in a way, even more terrifying.

“Do I see my old pal?”

Rachel twisted her head round to look at him. She winked.

“You do indeed, Mr. Sting.”

Vector Sting walked round them to face Rachel, ignoring the shivering Colin completely. He creature stood in front of her and defiantly folded his arms.

“I’m gonna hurt you.”

“I don’t think your boyfriend would approve-"

“You say one more word! I dare you!”

Rachel smiled. “Bubbles.”

Vector growled menacingly.

“They’re awake!” he yelled. “Can I kill them?”

Zacharias appeared through the door. He had taken off his trench coat and Colin was surprised how thin and lanky he looked. He guessed the trench coat was several sizes too big to give an appearance of bulk. He was breathing heavily and his hands were covered In blood.

“Get in here.” He squinted ominously at Vector. “Now.”

Vector made a sound of annoyance but reluctantly retreated towards Claw.

As he and Vector conversed in worried, hushed tones, Colin spied something. The warehouse was split into three sections; the main, wide expanse, a fairly large room at the far end that appeared to be a workshop of some kind, considering the large amount of whirs and crashes that were escaping from it, and a smaller room in the corner; in the shadows that looked neglected. Out of sight, out of mind- it was hiding something.

It had frosted windows that were stained in blood and covered with rusted bars, and the only door was small and padlocked tight shut with chains. A new red joined the blood stains- two glows like evil eyes. Peering. Surveying. This made me want to read on. I hope we find out more about this mysterious creature later on in the novel.

………

“It’s not magic,” said Rachel, slumping onto Colin’s back, defeated. “Mutations in the blood cells. Drugs have been developed to clot the Elemental blood cells- known as E-Cells- and stop their full circulation, which will stop the power temporarily.” This bit made me laugh.

“Temporarily?” said Colin, a little hope creeping into his mind. “So it might wear off soon?”

“The average dampener lasts about a week.”

The hope was gone.

………

It was the next night. Colin and Rachel had waited for an entire day in the warehouse and had gathered, and worked out, the following knowledge.

They were on a planet known as Grungtor 5B, a prison planet; all the most wanted criminals of the galaxy (Rachel had told Colin that there were far more planets in the Milky Way than Earth, Gaia and Grungtor, and a hell of a lot of them were incredibly hostile) were thrown here with one warning. Nice plane names.
The Fear Contest - Winners

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Fri Jul 29, 2011 2:34 pm
Rubric says...



I believe I'm overdue to give you another review.

perspiration dripping down every inch of his body

This is pretty strong, you could just go with "dripping with perspiration".

warehouse.. That

Single full stop.

Also, you really need to show why it's a warehouse. It fits the plot for it to be one, but it doesn't neccessarily fit Colin's blindness to his surroundings for him to be able to pick it, especially since the building seems so empty and featureless (at one point he can't see any doors, whereas a warehouse might have big doors for vehicles to move goods. This might require you to do a little bit of research into what makes a warehouse look like a warehouse. Is it specific machinery, specific architecture etc?

. No. Not solid. He looked to his left, rough rope digging into his wrists and scratching them with frayed, edgy material, and saw the car.

The information about the ropes is good attention to detail and should be in this paragraph. However to put it in the sentence makes it much longer than the previous short staccato sentences. If you put everything from "rough" to "frayed" in an earlier sentence, probably just after you mention him being tied up, I think it flows better. That way you have three short sentences together and it reflects his though processes to new information.

something ghastly was dragged

"something ghastly had been dragged"

around desperately for some more information

lose the "some" methinks, or replace it with "any"

shouted swear words

I've got two minds about this. On the one hand it reads as more mature to replace "swear words" with "profanities". On the other hand it really depends on whether your choice of "swear words" was a reflection on your choice of words, your diction, or your characters mode of thinking.

revealing more of the room they were trapped in.

This is going to sound hypocritical because I break this rule all the time: never end a sentence with a preposition. "revealing more of the room in which they were trapped."

just go check if there awake

"they're"

Zacharias’

You switch to Zacharias from Claw here. Your choice but it might be be disconcerting for a reader.

Vector was huge and crab-like, in the fact that his form was a dark orange and his thick skin suggested a tough exoskeleton.

I like this comparison, you could strengthen it by suggesting he moves in a sort of ungainly lurch if you wanted. In terms of sequencing your ideas it might be better to begin with the description and conclude with the comparison like so:

"Vector's form seemed a dark orange in the poor light, and coupled with his tough leathery skin and ungainly walk, Colin was given the impression of huge crab."

This might be overstating the comparison, but what's important is the sequencing of ideas. It's kind of like in an essay, you make an argument before your conclusion. It doesn't always have to be this way, but you seem to have a similar problem to me in that you rely too much on commas to link complicated ideas together, rather than clear and concise sentences.

He omitted power

To "omit" is to exclude, to "emit" is to project.

Vector Sting walked round

"walked around" I think.

He creature stood in front of her and defiantly folded his arms.

"The creature". Not sure if "defiantly" is the right work here, as he isn't really looking to defy her, he's in the position of power and would have an arrogant, confident, even cocksure attitude.

were covered In blood.

lose the capitalisation.

A new red joined the blood stains- two glows like evil eyes.

"glows like" -> "glowing"?

“It’s not magic,” said Rachel, slumping onto Colin’s back, defeated. “Mutations in the blood cells. Drugs have been developed to clot the Elemental blood cells- known as E-Cells- and stop their full circulation, which will stop the power temporarily.”

Full disclosure: I'm an english honours student, not a scientist. Wouldn't clotting cause like a heart attack or something though? It's a good angle though, and one that as a reader is enough to maintain a suspension of disbelief given your strong writing style.

Colin and Rachel had waited for an entire day in the warehouse and had gathered, and worked out, the following knowledge.

This begins a section of this chapter that is a little harder to follow because it's the third hand report of the impression of a set of time for the reader, rather than a direct narrative. If you're going to report it through non-traditional "this is what they learned" you may as well do it in an actual numbered list and then revert to a more traditional narrative. Alternatively you could have Rachel and Colin discuss what they've learned and end that with the realisation concerning the phone (this would be my choice). The third option would be to relate the information as you did earlier in the chapter, the traditional narrative. Up to you.

was nobody new

"knew"

what he and Vector were doing in that room all that time.

You need to clarify what "all that time" signifies. Is it the tim over the two days, it is the impression of how they divide their time over a longer period, or is it a single long period?

Hope this is helpful. I really do recognise a bit in your writing style, feel free to check out my stuff and see if you feel the same (it's all pretty old though).
So you're going to kill a god. Sure. But what happens next?

Diary of a Deicide, Part One.


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Fri Jul 29, 2011 5:29 pm
Napier says...



Thanks a lot!
Regrettably, I've done a major edit of this chapter, and the warehouse section has been cut out, but your advice is immensely useful, with grammar, common sense and so on!
“It is the tale, not he who tells it.”
― Stephen King

“If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”
― Stephen King

Formerly BadlyDrawnLightning
  








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