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Colin Strider Chapter Five



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Sun Jul 10, 2011 5:53 pm
Napier says...



“Can you reach it?”

Colin stretched and contorted his arms and hands towards his back. The rope cut into his wrists, rubbing them near-raw. His fingers brushed the top of the phone and he tapped it, trying to almost claw it out with his fingers.

After a couple of minutes, the phone fell out with a triumphant clunk that sounded way too loud in the quiet warehouse.

They were still as corpses for a few seconds, but nothing happened. The aliens hadn’t heard.

Rachel managed to crane her neck, stretch her hands and touch the screen and it beeped into life. She pressed the call icon, a set of numbers appeared and she attempted to memorise a very long number. She got it wrong the first couple of times.

There was much hushed swearing and she said, “Calling someone on a different planet is bloody ridiculous.”

On the third time, however, a quiet dial tone played, and they both grinned.

“Hello?”

Way too loud. Colin forgot it was on speaker.

“Jeff,” said Rachel is a desperately worried hiss. “Keep your voice down. Open a wormhole to-“

The door handle to the far room jiggled and turned. The door swung open. They had heard.

Zacharias stepped out and saw the phone on the floor.

“You little shits!”

“Brookbug’s Warehouse!” Rachel yelled. “Wormhole! Now!”

Zacharias sprinted across towards them reaching into his pocket with his good hand and pulling out the gun that was magnificently alien and deadly, loading it ready to shoot.

He stood furiously in front of them both, raising his gun. He shot it, twice, at the phone on the floor, with bullets that appeared as flashes of brilliant white light. It scorched both Colin and Rachel’s hands, and they yelled when glistening red marks, that were less like burns and more like a shredding away of flesh, appeared on their fingers. Colin had never felt pain as intense as this.

The phone had disappeared entirely, leaving a small hole in the floor surrounded by a black burn and smoke.

“Do you know what you’ve done?” he spat at them and pointed his ghastly steam-punk hand at them.

Another shot rang out- it was an Earthly gun, and a metal bullet flew from the left and hit Zacharias’ metal hand square in the palm. It ripped right through the cogs and the pipes and the hand stopped moving and spewing smoke.

“I have no idea what they’ve done,” said a voice. Colin and Rachel both looked round to see a smiling man, roughly in his thirties, clutching a smoking handgun and emerging from a wormhole. “But I would be grateful if you informed me.”

Claw yelled, not with pain as the hand had no nerve endings, but with frustration. He whipped around to look at the man with rage.

“You filthy little-“ he slurred his words and ended with a frustrated grunt.

The man winked at him and made a cheeky clicking sound with his tongue.


Zacharias raised his hand and gun, but too late. The man thrust out a hand forwards and slightly upwards. – the ground shook and erupted with rock that flew upwards to trap Claw’s hand. It was now imprisoned in a pillar of rough stone and concrete and he shook and struggled to no avail.

An Earth Elemental.

Vector, clearly hearing the commotion swung open the door and raised a gun of his own. Too late. The man thrust his hand at Vector and a piece of rock flew towards him. It split into two and hit both his hands, throwing him to the wall. The rock shifted and hardened, sticking him there.

“You’re Colin, right?” said the man, pointing at him.

Colin nodded.

“Woo-boy,” the man grinned. “Now we’re in trouble.”

“Untie us Jeff!” Rachel yelled. Courtesies were unimportant. “Now!”

The man named Jeff sprinted towards them and attacked the rope. He produced a sharp “knife” of rock with his hands and sawed at it with all his might, as Zacharias yelled and screamed at him with rage.

When the rope was free, Colin and Rachel jumped to their feet, rubbing their sore wrists.

They leaped through the wormhole, Jeff pausing only to flip Zacharias the finger.

Zacharias narrowed his eyes and hissed.

“You. Are. History.”

**

Colin and Rachel materialised through the wormhole in a clearing of a dense looking forest. It was thick with a multitude of luscious green trees that grew close together to form barriers of wide, rough branches and huge clumps of leaves; the light of early morning shined through the thin areas to create spotlights on the humid soil, and the whole area glowed with a sea-like green.

A large African man with a purple suit and bushy moustache stood in the clearing with his arms crossed and face all frown.

Jeff stumbled from the wormhole, started to grin and then him.

“Ah,” he said. “You found out.”

“What the hell do you think you were doing?” said the man, in a deep, gravelly voice.

Jeff paused.

“Saving them.”

He pointed to Colin and Rachel. Rachel smiled sheepishly and Colin raised a hand and grimaced.

“Without consulting the council first?” said the man.

“Zacharias-“

“Zacharias is not to be contacted by you. You cannot see him. You cannot speak to him. You cannot attack him!”

The last sentence was bellowed so loud, Jeff flinched.

“Curtis, I swear. I went in, I went out. Nothing happened and-“

“How do I know that?” Curtis said. “How do I know you didn’t kill him, for God’s sake?”

“He’s alive.” Jeff smiled. “For now.”

Curtis flexed his arm out to the side and hard rock covered his arm right down to his hand, encrusting it in rough stone. Colin watched in terror as the arm rose up and grabbed Jeff’s neck. He knew that his neck could be crushed with ease. He backed away warily.

“You’re naïve enough to think that I have forgiven you,” Curtis’ voice had dropped to barely a whisper. Jeff strained to breath as Curtis brought him higher and higher. “I have never- never- forgiven you for what you did.”

Jeff flailed his legs and tried desperately to prise the hand of stone of his neck as he started to gurgle, flecks of saliva forming in the corners of his mouth.

“We should have killed you,” Curtis continued, unfazed by Jeff’s weak attempts at struggling. “Do you know how much that-“Curtis strained his words. “-accident cost us?”

Jeff continued to struggle.

“DO YOU KNOW?” Curtis’ face contorted with rage. Colin wondered what the accident he was speaking of was, and if he’d ever find out.

Jeff nodded and Curtis released his hand and the rock flowed from his hand, up to his shoulder and disappeared. Jeff fell to his knees and gasped for well-needed air.

“You’re an inconvenience, Jeff,” Curtis said. He straightened a gold tie. “An inconvenience. And nothing more.”

He stamped his foot on the ground a platform of rock erupted from the earth below Curtis’ feet, catapulting him into the air. The ground rippled and it was so sudden, Colin found it hard to keep his balance; his knees shook, and he stared in awe as Curtis disappeared through the leaves.

Colin could just make out the purple figure of Curtis land and leap again in the far distance. The rock from the ground delved slowly downwards, leaving cracks in the earth.

“Show off,” muttered Jeff, getting to his feet again.

Colin gaped.

“I want to go home.”
“It is the tale, not he who tells it.”
― Stephen King

“If you don't have time to read, you don't have the time (or the tools) to write. Simple as that.”
― Stephen King

Formerly BadlyDrawnLightning
  





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Wed Jul 13, 2011 2:39 pm
Sandvich says...



Instead of typing up reviews on all three of the changed and uploaded chapters, I will just review them here. Is that ok?
Just kidding, I'm going to anyway :3

Chapter Three
I liked the extension of this. Colin really seems very skeptical about the wormhole opening until he actually sees it. Just an overall note, too; I like how you used swearing throughout the story. I remember somebody saying "swearing is just for people with limited vocabulary" - I don't think this is true at all. There's nothing like an f-word to portray anger without straight out typing "Zacharias was very angry". One bit of advice though - when you use swearing, watch your audience. Some genres interest younger people, who might not like swearing in their book.
Also, Zacharias was quite well characterized and described in this chapter. Nice work.

Chapter Four
Ooh, trouble. Nothing like a big warehouse for storing the soon-to-be deceased.
Although the warehouse might be a bit cliche, it does the job. Crabman, as I will call him till the end of my days, is immeidately introduced with a grudge against Rachel. This is good. Makes it so that he is not one of those characters where you just have to think "Why the hell are they there?"
The ending is slightly wierd though, but I'll cover that in a second.

Chapter Five
I've already told you that I think this chapter's a bit wierd. It's still good, but I think the mobile phone shenanigan requires a little bit of suspension of disbelief. Yes, I know this is a fantasy, but how would the mobile even work on this prison planet?
It's well written, though I think you are introducing characters a tiny bit too quickly - in just two chapters we have had three presumably major characters introduced. I do this too - I find it just makes it harder to characterize each one individually.

Overall, nice story you've got going here. It's well written and keeps the reader involved. Write chapter six now, foo'.
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Sat Jul 16, 2011 8:22 am
Davethepenquin says...



I must agree with Sandvich on everything he said.
Maybe the phone working on a diferent planet could be an extension of one of the charecters powers. Colin can "control" electricity. So, you could edit it (or in chapter 6) have him ask why it worked, and Rachel tells him its because of the powers.
But, I shouldn't nitpick on technological issues in a SciFi/Adventure novel.
Overall, i enjoyed this chapter just as much as the rest. Keep it up, and you'll be published in no time!
The Fear Contest - Winners

1st Place - Hit the Black by mikeypro
2nd Place - Makeshift Calamity by jcipriano1
3rd Place - Ashes and Blood by HaydenSmith

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