Young Writers Society

spoiler]A/N: Everlasting War has a rather long complicated story behind it.(In the real world I mean.) This means that we're going to skip it. As you can see from the title, this does not follow the main Everlasting War story at all. I've seperated the timeline into two periods: The period of time that the main story follows, and what the inhabitants of my world refer to as the Pre-Recorded times. Congratulations, dear readers, you get to be the first to read a story of the pre-recorded times. And with that...[[/spoiler]

Everlasting War: Pre-Recorded Times: Chapter 1

Planet Volcanus

Sixteen year-old Haley stood at the entrance to the abandoned catacombs. Her friend, Ami, stood behind her. The two were Volcanians, fire-wielding humans, who had become of age and graduated from school a year ago. Both girls were of average height, but Haley was blonde whereas Ami was red-headed. They both wore casual clothing, a normal t-shirt and jeans.
The girls were leaving for the planet of Flare in a few days, but ever since they were little, they had a huge fear of the catacombs in the side of Mt. Demon. Everybody who lived in the city under the mountain's shadow did. The rumors spread around by the elders who used to work as miners in the deeper sections were all of nasty deaths. The entrance was blocked by tape bearing the words "Do not enter". It was a clear full-moon night which only made it creepier, but the girls wanted to overcome this fear before they left.
"So," Haley said trying to keep her voice casual, "do you want to go first?"
Ami shivered at the thought. "N-no, that's alright," she stammered. "You can go."
"Um, actually. You can." Haley could hear the clicking of Ami's teeth behind her.
"I'm trying to be polite, Haley," Ami said failing at her attempt to sound casual.
The wind started to blow from behind them, heading into the catacombs, and creating an eerie whistling sound. This didn't help matters any. The thought of going into the catacombs was creepy enough, but the thought of going in with the wind blowing on a perfectly clear night sounded plain frightening.
"Let's just go in and get it overwith," Haley said. "Just a few steps will do it. I mean it's inside, isn't it?"
"O-okay." The girls ducked underneath the tape and took a few steps inward. "This isn't so bad," Ami said as calmly as she could manage. The tunnel ahead of them was dark enough that they couldn't see a thing outside the moonlight shining in. The wind echoed throughout the tunnel causing both girls to scream.
"Let's go home now," Haley squeaked.
"Fine by me," Ami replied. But at the moment the wind picked up to an abnormally high level sending both girls flying backwards. Haley rolled along the ground until suddenly there was no ground. Her hand grasped a ledge before she fell, but by the sound of the distant screaming behind her, Ami hadn't been so lucky. Ami's screams eventually faded and Haley hoisted herself back up.
The wind had stopped. Haley lit a flame in her hand, leaned over the edge and shouted Ami's name over and over again. Haley wouldn't let the realization of Ami's fate settle yet. Ami couldn't be dead. There was no way. "AMI!!!!!!!!"
"Get away from there!" shouted an elderly voice. She was yanked back and brought to her feet facing an old man. "Don't you know this place is cursed?" Haley didn't care. All she could think about was Ami. She stifled tears and another cry. "Your friend," the man continued. "How did this happen to her?"
"W-wind," Haley managed.
"Foolish girls. Don't you know the stories?"
"Yes."
"Then why?" the man shouted.
Haley didn't care who the man was. She just hugged him and started crying. She had just lost her best friend. She needed a shoulder to cry on. The man was taken aback by this sudden outburst, but he just let her hug him.

I like it yet there are some grammar mistakes that you need to look over. Also the chapter goes a little fast. Try to stretch it out because you may have people who will get hooked into it but its just going to upset them when it seems the chapter ends a little too quick so try to stretch out your future chapters. Good start so far

Hello! Here to review!This is the first review I have done in a while, so I'm a little rusty. I say this to everyone: If I hurt feelings, I'm sorry. That is not my intention. I try to be as honest as I can. Let's get on with the review!

I will admit, I know nothing about what you said in the spoiler. I don't mean this as a bad thing, just I have no knowledge of this(:

Nitpicks:
It may just be me, but I can't really grab much from this chapter. Is the main character going to be Haley? Why are Haley and Ami friends? I just feel like you could have described things further. Like their descriptions, you want to almost make it seem like you can see the person. Is fear plastered over their face? Do they see themselves as superior? Do they stand tall and proud? Or are they cringing at every sound? The chapter seems really short to me, also. Again, add more descriptions!(:

Done with the nitpicking. Something I find interesting is the world you created. It seems fascinating to me. You grabbed my attention with the world in which the story takes place. It makes me want to learn more about it. Bravo.

Well, I hope I helped in anyway. Again, if I hurt any feelings, sorry. Just trying to help. Write on!(:

I really enjoyed your story. Your style of writing reminds me of how a good friend of mine writes. Very formal, which is a good thing. I enjoy it when the author gives a professional tone in their stories. It was suspenseful in some places especially when Ami dyed. You have a few grammatical errors here and there, but mainly just the wrong word in a few sentences. But, I don't understand why Haley would just hug an old man she didn't even know. I understand that she's sad, but if I were in her shoes I wouldn't walk up to a random old man, who only said a few words to me, and hug him. Unless, she's met him before or she's heard of him in many legends or something. It would make more sense to the reader if the two characters knew each other in some way. Overall it was a great piece, and I can't wait to read more!