Young Writers Society

We were the last people on Earth. The world ended and women survived. Only the women that were perfect for his expectations. He killed everyone that wasn't a woman. My childhood was spent in those days when the King ruled the world. He made it a living Hell. At least Klaytoni defeated him. I scraped at a branch with my pocket knife and peeked at Belanu. Belanu was the best warrior in our tribe. She was out there. A beautiful, graceful girl. Everything a warrior needed. I didn't have that. I had no breasts, unlike the other warrior teenagers who had frikkin' planets on their chests. I had the usual face, not anything special. I was really short too. Plain, old Kayinao. Julia was pretty too. Belanu rank with tan skin and beautifully shaped brown eyes. Everyone said I was the toad that walked up to the hawk. I was just waiting to be killed. I knew I would be killed at a young age. Scientist became overwelmed and created horrible monsters long before I was born. Belanu looked over at me. I looked down quickly and made my dark brown hair fall in front of my face. Belanu smirked and continued enjoying another turkey leg.
"I wish she was the one that turned into a beast," I whispered to myself.
"What was that, Kayinao?" Julia said, spitting turkey on me.
"Say it, don't spray it," I smiled. Julia was my best friend. i Had known her since training.
"Sorry, this turkey leg is really good," Julia said,"Why aren't you eating?"
"Because I'm not. Maybe you're hungry, but I'm not," I shifted on the log, my armor rattling.
"Your always hungry. Come on. I know you want one," she waved a destroyed turkey leg in front of my face.
The smell of fresh turkey came to my face, "Maybe... Just a bite?"
"Take a bite, Kayinao. I don't care," she held it right beneath my nose.
I smiled and close my eyes.
"Take the bite," she sayed in an airy voice.
I sniffed the turkey leg and bit her hand harshly.
"YOOOOOOOWWW!!!" she screamed across the whole camp.
I burst out lauhing, "Thats for trying to make me take a bite! In your face!" I pointed at her.
The whole camp looked over at us for a few seconds then started laughing.
She rubbed her hand and looked down where she dropped her turkey leg, "My turkey leg!"
"Keep it down," Master came into our tent, "Its time for bed. Belanu, you're on duty tonight with Martina and Glass."
Belanu growled. Each tribe had to keep watch. Any creatures could try to attack us during the night. Julia helped me up and we walked out of the feeding tent. I looked past the gates of our tribe's camp. I wondered what was out there?
"Come on. I'm tired and my hand hurts," she dragged me toward our tent, looking back to playfully glare at me.
We walked into our small tent. Clothes on the floor and unmade cots. I smiled at our usual uncleanly selves.
Julia slipped off her armor and her skirt. We slept in our leotards. I unbuckled my armor quickly. Taking armor off wasn't quick. It took about twenty minutes. Thats when you would probably pass out.
Julia yawned loudly and fell onto her cot. Julia's brown curls slid over her face dramatically.
"Hi there, miss beautiful," I laughed. I realized I probably looked like that destroyed turkey leg next to Julia, but I didn't care. Friendship comes first.
"Hi there," She laughed.
I slid on my blanket and listened carefully to the sounds outside. When you listened carefully, you could hear way more than the average screaming. That was like a lullaby on Earth, though. You get used to it. It's sort of like home. I listened to the killing of a unicorn and a beast snoring somewhere deep in the woods. I soon drifted off into a deep sleep.

I think you have definetly set yourself up pretty nicely for a novel here. I have never heard of a book about all women warriors, and being unique is a huge part about writing a novel. If this is the only part of chapter one, you may want to make it a little bit longer though, and you should probably add more detail in. Also, i want to know more about this "master" character that comes in at the end. Maybe you could get some detail there. Also, the line about Belanu having planets on her chest made me fall of the couch laughing, you have a good voice in the story, keep up the good work.

I couldn’t agree more with what Arspoetica has just said.

Your set-up in the first part of the chapter was very good. And I too am pretty interested to see a story about women warriors as well (not to be sexist, of course).

If there is more to come with this particular chapter, then by all means, continue with going into more detail about the type of world this is.
However, if this is all that there is going to be for Chapter 1, I could probably suggest having this as an introduction or a prologue, and then actually start the next part of the story as Chapter 1.
(Although to completely be a hypocrite now, I like how you’ve kept it short for reading on the internet.)

You do have a good sense of humour throughout this piece. And I also did love the bit about planets on their chests. haha A good comparison and a great metaphor that we can actually relate certain people to in the real world. haha

All in all, keep up what you’re doing. You’ve really created an interesting piece, and am looking forward to see what else is in store. Good work!

Thanks for the review guys! I came up with it about an hour before I wrote it... So I thought I did pretty good. This could really help me

Okay so I'm new to this site, so I don't really know what I'm doing yet, but here goes nothing.

First, I love the story line, its deffinitly something new and unique that no one has ever seen before. I am excited to see how it developes.

However, even though this is the very first part I feel like its missing something. I think in the begining it very briefly dips into this world that has been created. It seems like your rushed in explaining it all and a little bit repetative in the first few sentences about how its all woman worriors. Also it goes into a King, and him being defeated, but I didnt understand if he was the one that killed all the men? I think you should go more into detail in this or not mention it and wait to go into it deeper later.

I think you could consider rephrasing the sentence, "The world ended and woman survived." Because the second half counters the first. But maybe as the story developes thats how its supposed to be. I dont know.

Also I thought that the names were very cool, creative, and new. But I did find it wierd was that in the middle of Belanu and Kyinao, Julia was thrown in there, which is a pretty common name. Now it's your story so it's completly up to you I just was supprized by that.

Then the part at the end it says, "Julia slipped off her armor and her skirt. We slept in our leotards. I unbuckled my armor quickly. Taking armor off wasn't quick. It took about twenty minutes." I think the whole wording of this was a bit strange to me.The word slipped makes it sound as Julia can quickly just drop off her armor, but then later you say how it isn't quick to take off armor. Also saying that you unbuckled the armor quickly but then saying it wasnt quick. I would try rewording it as maybe something like, I unbucked my armor as quickly as I could, but taking off armor was not an easy prosses. Or something like that.

But otherwise it was fantastic writing. I loved how you gave the characters voice and personality and they are already coming alive from the very begining. So keep it up. I can't wait to hear more, and remember its your writing so feel free to completely disreguard everything I said!

Best of luck!