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The Demon's Heart



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Tue Jul 26, 2011 10:59 pm
CCwriterXD says...



Introduction:

Love is hard to find, especially when you're looking for that one person that you wanna be with rather than just someone that you wanna screw around with. Sometimes, like in times like these, I think that people like that have it easy. They dont look for love. In the same sense, though, I feel sorry for them. They don't look for love because they don't care. They don't know how to love.

I do. In fact, I've fallen in love, but the sad fact about that is that I've fallen for a guy that my Father would never approve, which is what led to the outcome that I face at this very moment, something that pierces my heart and makes me wanna cry. No, it makes me cry. It makes me cry out to the heavens with the agony of knowing that I will never get to see him again. That makes me vulnerable, which is a very bad thing for me right now.

As I sit out on the doorstep on the alley about a mile or so from my house, dress torn and wet, hair falling out of position, and tears falling from my eyes, there was a soft noise from the right of me. Of course, seeing that it was nearly midnight and the stars were the only thing lighting my way I couldn't see what it was, but I turned to look anyways. I could only barely see a shape, and then a voice.

"Why are you crying, dear girl?" he asked with a soft, clear, comforting voice.

I wiped off the tears that were currently on my face, though it was impossible to keep them all off. They just kept coming down. Looking at the figure as he came closer, I took a deep breath and merely looked over at it without a reply.

"Hmmm," he said as he came over closer to me, "what's wrong?"

"I don't want to talk about it," I replied with a raspy voice that came from all the crying.

"Was it your father?" he asked.

That reply made my heart stop for a single moment as I looked up at him with fear in my eyes. "How could you possible know anything about this??"

"Why, it's all over the town! Charles Hillard is dead. Are you not his daughter?" he replied.

My eyes grew even wider as my mouth dropped open and tears fell from my eyes even moreso than they were before. Two people that I cared about so dearly were now gone. "Dead?! My Father's Dead?!"

"Don't cry, Jenna," he said, leaning over to me. "He only paid his price."

I sniffed my nose and looked up at what little I could see of him and questioned his comment. "Paid his price? Paid his price for what?"

It was then that I could see his devious grin and the yellow in his eyes, though that was all I was able to see. "For not keeping his bargain."



Chapter One


Life is literally a living Hell for me. I don't say that to cuss. I literally mean that it's a living Hell. Most people say that to show that they're upset wiht whatever crap is going on in their lives. I don't. Hell is my home. I live in a torturous place full of demons, fire, heat, pain, and suffering.

This is my life, if you'd even call it living. I've been around ever since the Great Depression of '29. My death was right in the middle of it all, if you'd even really call it dying. I don't really know what you'd consider me as. I'm somewhere between life and death. I'm like a ghost, yet I'm not a ghost. I can feel pain and agony. I can feel everything taht a person can feel, but I dissappear and reappear. I travel by different methods that a normal human being isn't able to do. I have powers that is unnatural, powers that I never asked for.

My name is Jenna, and this is my living Hell, one with no escape.

I looked out the window of my room and saw the dry, dusty wasteland beyond the flames. The ground was made of ashes and bones of the people who have been suffering here ever since they died. I can only pity them, even if they did deserve it.

There was a sudden knock at my door, and then without much of anything to say it was open. Standing in the doorway was Gill, the slick demon that the Devil himself bred. He calls him his son, but to say the most I'm not even sure if he was born from anything. Then again, sometimes he'll take a woman from the mortal world and concieve in her only to either take the child away or send it on a life mission to cause nothing but pain and misery. I'm ont exactly sure about Gill though. He's different from any of the other children that have ever come from Old Nick. His hair was jet black and spiked into a type of mohawk. His eyes were yellow and for most people he would strike fear into their hearts the moment they looked into them, but as I said before I'm no normal human being. I don't know if I'm even human. His skin was so pale he looked dead, then again he very well may be dead. He was quite muscular in shape and had quitea few markings that looked like tatoos, but he was born with them I believe. His jawbone is nice and narrow amd along with high cheekbones he was somewhat handsome, but it was easy to over look that and see that he was someone that you should be very much afraid of.

I rolled my eyes at the sight of him. "What?" I said demandingly.

"Father wants you," he said, nodding his head as he rolled off of the door frame and past into the hallway. He obviously wanted me to follow over to wherever Old Nick was.

You know Old Nick, but you know him by many other names. The Devil, Satan, but he's really to be called Old Nick or Nick. I don't respect him enough to call him Nick so I say Old Nick, but of course never to his face. He thinks of me as his daughter, the rebel who hates being here, so he wants me to call him "Father" or "Dad" or something like that. I just say Father to his face and call him Old Nick everywhere else.

I followed Gill out of my room and down the hall to find Old Nick in his chair in the main room of the castle right next to the furnace. His back was faced to me while he sat in his chair so that I could not see his face as the fire made his shadow out in front of me.

Gill walked up to the chair and whispered into his ear only to look back over at me with a gaze. Old Nick did not stand up. He did not look back. He just kept in position in his satin armchair.

"Jenna," he said without much movement, "I have a job for you. Can I trust that you'll do the job?"

"Isn't that what you have your minions for?" I asked, crossing my arms with a glare in his direction.

"Yes," he replied, "but I have this special one for you."

His voice was crystal clear and beautiful, something that would draw in any normal human being. Everything about what Old Nick is seems beautiful. It seems amazing, all up until you realize that you've fallen into a trap. You become stuck. You can't get out, and all that you're left with is the terrible horrors that he has in stored for you as you just sit there in your little dark hole.

What would he have that's special for me? I have nothing to live for now that my normal life is over, and that's only over because-....well, I'd rather not think about it.

"A special job? What special job could you possibly have in stored for me? There's nothing that's worth it to me anymore," I replied as I put all of my weight onto one side of me.

"I figured that you would want to see Rick again."

I froze. I was terrified. I was shocked. I was many things.

I didn't have to see him to know that he had a smile spurring up on his wicked face. "You do want to see him, don't you?"

I took a deep breath and remembered the facts. Rick was dead. He has been dead. He will always be dead. His soul never came down here or I would have remembered it. There's no way that he's here in Hell.

"How could I possible see him? Rick is dead."

"Rick was dead," said Old Nick. "He's alive yet again. He's been reincarnated. I have a job for you that involves his new body and soul."

I was beyond scared. This wasn't possible. Rick, MY Rick, is alive again? He's here? He's in the mortal world?

I sighed as I smiled and then remembered who I was dealing with. "What's the job?"

Gill looked over from me to the floor while there was a moment where Old Nick started to show him on the mirror in his hands and then handed it to Gill to show to me. "He is a threat to me. I want you to find him and bring him here. Do not kill him. He is even more dangerous in his spiritual form."

Gill handed me the mirror and showed him to me as I questioned what he said. "And how is he a threat to you? What are you going to do to him?!" I asked, getting defensive as I clenched my fists looking up at him, and then more relaxed as I looked at him in the mirror.

"That is none of your concern. I give you this job and I expect you to do it. If you fail me, your worst knightmares will become a reality."
"I don't see how you can make them any more of a reality. I already live here with you in Hell."

Old Nick clenched his fists and I could hear him grinding his teeth. He wasn't happy with that comment. "Your worst knightmares are yet to be revealed, Jenna Hillard. Don't make me expose them."
  





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Wed Jul 27, 2011 1:20 am
lukasagitta says...



This is a very interesting opening and I'm intrigued about future installments, but there are a few grammatical errors sprinkled in.

Sometimes, like in times like these,

This part seems unnecessarily repetitive. Maybe say "Sometimes, such as in times like these" or just "Sometimes, in times like these"...?

They dont look for love.

Just add the punctuation~

but the sad fact about that is that I've fallen for a guy that my Father would never approve

I believe it would sound better if you said "that my father would never approve of." Also, why is Father capitalized? Usually, that sort of thing isn't capitalized when you have a "my/his/her" in front of it, unless there's a special reason.

As I sit out on the doorstep on the alley about a mile or so from my house, dress torn and wet, hair falling out of position, and tears falling from my eyes, there was a soft noise from the right of me.

I don't know which tense you want to write in. The first part is in present tense, but the second part, and the parts after it, are in past tense.

I could only barely see a shape, and then a voice.

I'd suggest saying "and then I heard a voice" instead.

"Why are you crying, dear girl?" he asked with a soft, clear, comforting voice.

That seems a bit heavy on the adjectives...

I took a deep breath and merely looked over at it without a reply.

It? Usually, when the figure's gender is known, that's what pronoun the figure is referred to by, unless you want to keep it ambiguous.

Pffft, the first paragraph of the first chapter made me laugh. I really liked it! Very nice use of voice. I'm already inclined to like this narrator.

I don't really know what you'd consider me as.

The "as" is unnecessary, I think...

I can feel everything taht a person can feel

Small typo!

I have powers that is unnatural

"I have powers that are unnatural." Since she has more than one power, are is used instead of is. Is refers to singular nouns.

concieve in her

That's a little typo, and it sounds...awkward. To conceive in someone? Conception means to become pregnant. I don't think he became pregnant in her... XD

I don't know if I'm even human. His skin was so pale he looked dead, then again he very well may be dead.

That seems like a run-on sentence. I'd say, just put a period after "dead", and then start a new sentence with "then."

He was quite muscular in shape and had quitea few markings that looked like tatoos, but he was born with them I believe. His jawbone is nice and narrow amd along with high cheekbones he was somewhat handsome, but it was easy to over look that and see that he was someone that you should be very much afraid of.

There are a few typos here. Also, you switched tenses again, with "His jawbone is."

I froze. I was terrified. I was shocked. I was many things.

Ooooh, I like this a lot! It really conveys her feelings well.

"Your worst knightmares are yet to be revealed, Jenna Hillard. Don't make me expose them."

Great closing lines! They really made me interested in the next chapter.
  





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Wed Jul 27, 2011 6:24 pm
CCwriterXD says...



Thanks for your comments of constructive critcism:D I do admit that I have some grammer issues that I need to work on, which is one reason that I came here to this site:D I'm glad that I could catch your interest in this work though:D:D I have several novel ideas, one of them though I will most likely never post because I hope to publish it someday, but you never know. I might decide to:D

I plan on making another post on a new story called Katetra: Violet and the lost key, but I am new to the site and am still a little clueless. Would you mind telling me how it is that you would post up another chapter?? ~C.C.
  





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Thu Jul 28, 2011 8:13 am
smallittlelegant says...



Ok, i got really confused with the first part. I was thinking jenna was crying because her father was dead. I got confused there. Yep. I'm really confused.



Since the first commentor made the most distinctive comment... I think there's nothing else to say. I'm not that good critique.
wrotalistic
  





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Thu Jul 28, 2011 9:06 pm
CCwriterXD says...



Haha; it's kewl:D I'm sorry that it confused you, but it's all gonna make sense later on in the story:D ~C.C.
  








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