Morgan Grae was like any other boy in the sprawling city of Abalon, spending his days doing ordinary things ordinary children do, running, hiding, exploring. But little did Morgan know, he was about to become the savior of this once beautiful city with the discovery of the Ditrexus, but more on that later, lets start at the beginning....
Morgan Grae was like any other boy in the sprawling city of Abalon, spending his days doing ordinary things ordinary children do, running, hiding, exploring. But little did Morgan know, he was about to become the savior of this once beautiful city with the discovery of the Ditrexus, but more on that later, lets start at the beginning.... Blue comma:: I think this should be a colon ( : ) or semi colon ( ; ) as it is a list, and you don't want a comma overload But little did Morgan...: This feels too informal, that is, unless you're writing a children's story, in which case it's fine Savior: sp. Saviour (Savior is American spelling) But more on that...: Again, seems a bit informal, like you're talking to the reader rather than telling/showing them something
Abalon was once among one of the major capitals of the skyworld, in its heyday it was a bustling, colourful city filled with people, tourists mostly. The tourists all came to see the fabled temple of rebirth, a ginormous titan of a building standing tall against the brightly lit city, it didn't fit in with the neon skyscrapers of Abalon, but it had its place. A long time ago settlers came looking for land to start work on their ambitious plans for a home, they came across the temple of rebirth and decided that it was to be the site for the great city. Among: Unnecessary word Blue comma: Use a semi colon, joining two separate but relevant clauses Tourists mostly: Mostly tourists, switch round All: Use often/mostly/usually, all too informal Ginormous: Not actually a word lol go for another adjective, maybe overbearing, majestic, colossal Building standing tall...: Building, standing tall against the brightly lit city. It (didn't - I think it's ok to keep contractions, it wouldn't sound right as 'did not' here) shine as brightly as the neon colours of Abalon, but it had its place Settlers: A long time ago (could use something like hundreds of years ago here), settlers (you could say from wherever here, maybe from the North or a particular area of the skyworld) began their search for a new homeland. Upon discovering the temple, they settled in what would become Abalon. Came across the temple...: See above The city: See above
Many locals believe that the ancients built the temple. The ancients were told to be humongous biengs who created the first human and built the first city's, each city had its own set ancient, the one who built it. Abalon was the first city to have been built by man so it did not have an ancient like all the other city's, and was gradually shunned by the rest of the world, hence the scrapyard like position it is in today. The 51 residents of Abalon were the ones who had no place anywhere else, thieves and con-artists, the misunderstood. Believe: Past tense, should be believed Told: Said to have been, it's gossip/idle talk so said Humongous: Humungous isn't a word either, ref. to ginormous above ^ / beings From who created... to... it's own set ancient: This is confusing, are you saying each city has its own 'patron' or 'guardian' ancient? If that's what you are trying to say, then I think maybe the sentence should go like this: ... who created the first humans, (unless they are asexual, then you'd need two humans) and built the first (cities). Each city was watched over (if you want the ancients to be seen as 'guardians') by the ancients who built it. By man so it did not...: Again, a little confusing: Abalon was the first city to have been built by man, so it did not have an ancient to watch over it like the other cities; because of this, it was shunned by the rest of the world, who allowed the once (think of an adjective here) to fall into a decaying and desolate shadow of its former self. The 51 residents...: I don't think you really need to give a specific number, unless it is relevant to the story. If it's not particularly relevant, you could just say something approximate or something that indicates that most of the city is unihabitated, as a city would have a population of thousands, 50 people would be almost lost in such a large area - The ----- residents were those who had no where else to go: the con artists, the thieves, the misunderstood.
Anyway, enough on the history of the city. Lets get back to Morgan and his story. It was a particularly drab day in Abalon, the skies filled with dark smirks on the would be faces of clouds about to burst and release the water within. Morgan didn't mind days like this, he was only twelve years old and so like most twelve year olds enjoyed any day as long as he was outside. He met up with his two friends Anna and Rodrick, twins from the Dale house. They went to the same place they went everyday, the "playground". Anyway...: This section feels too informal, using anyway and let's get back to etc. I can't really think of a way you could write this without making it sound informal, as essentially it feels like you're talking to the reader in a conversation style, rather than giving the history of Abalon Rest of the paragraph: Previous to this section you've been describing the back story, so it seems jarring to begin a section of the actual 'story' here. It is very well written, but I feel as this acts more like a prologue that you should end the prologue here if all the explaining is done, and begin Chapter One with what Morgan and his friends are doing. Also, be careful not to jump between tenses, as this is written in present (kind of) and so you don't want to slip into past while writing. Present is good for action, but not so great for detail. You'll have to decide which you prefer, but I think present works well here so it's entirely up to you
The playground was what they called it, but this place was not meant for playing in, it was the garbage dump of the city. Jagged edges and the innards of machines were wherever you dared to look. Okay you get it, it was a dangerous place for them to be but none of them were stupid enough to get hurt, they were all taught basic first aid at school as well. They sat in the usual spot, a crater at the center of the dump. They stared at the sky and pondered what it would be like to live in another city, little did they know they would soon find out.... Too informal and switching tense and point of view: Like I said before, this doesn't fit right in the prologue as it's the beginning of the story, so stick this in Chapter One. It reads as too informal because of 'but this place' and 'okay you get it' and the ellipse at the end ( ... ). The description is great, e.g. the innards of machine, sound a bit like a graveyard for machinery and scrap metal. However, you also switch POV from 1st in Morgan's perspective (you write about his thoughts in the previous paragraph) to 2nd where you speak to the reader ('okay you get it') which is very risky. 2nd person should be used in D&D style adventure books and things like that, I'd stick with' 1st or 3rd POV. Also, you included foreshadowing which is great, but I think it should be more subtle because atm it seems too predictable now that the reader knows something bad will happen, rather than not knowing exactly what will happen.
Abalon was once among one of the major capitals of the skyworld, in its heyday it was a bustling, colourful city filled with people, tourists mostly.
© 2004 - 2013, Young Writers Society is proudly powered by phpBB • YWS logo created by Jordan Bobo • Header images © Vlad Studio
"I think all writing is a disease. You can’t stop it." —William Carlos Williams