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Mon Aug 22, 2011 2:58 am
StoryWeaver13 says...



Spoiler! :
I can tell you right now that I'm not really happy with this chapter. It took over half an hour (meaning I passed my time limit) and I still just can't quite get a feel for it. Any advice would be GREAT.


Chapter Four

“She’s awake!”

It was a girl that spoke, somebody who was probably a freshman considering how young she sounded. I opened my eyes to see that she looked equally as young, a girl with deep ebony skin and bright brown eyes that blinked eagerly. Paisley Ross. Her smile revealed a flash of white teeth, and she sat cross-legged against one of the surrounding pines as footsteps approached; she squirmed, as if she couldn‘t even completely contain her excitement. What was she so happy about?

Cass leaned to hover right above me, giving a creepy, “Hellooo, Alex. Have a nice nap?”

“Geeze, you’ll scare her off!” Paisley admonished, though like Cass her voice was teasing. She turned to look at me. “Are you okay? We have somebody going to get a counselor.”

“Counselor…?” It took a second, but then finally the puzzle-pieces were linking in my mind. As my hand flew to my forehead, Paisley said, “Don’t worry. We got you covered.” From her pocket, she pulled out my cover-up. “Literally.”

There were a million things I needed to catch up on. “How long have I been out?”

“Like fifteen minutes,” Cass said dismissively. “Give or take. You’d have to ask Shadow, I guess.”

“Shadow.” Friend or enemy? “Where is he?”

“Went to get the counselors right after he found us to try to wake you up.”

I still didn’t have faith in Shadow. My mind raced through a thousand scenarios that ended with my termination. “God, I’ve got to get out of here.”

I sat up, but regretted it as the world came tumbling so fast that I barely made it to my feet before sinking back to my place on the floor, realizing now that my entire body felt brittle and broken. Shadow was going to reveal me, I felt sure of it; a reaper’s kid has to be numb to murder by now. This meant I had to get up. Agitated, I spit and cussed under my breath. I let out an aggravated huff, pulling my arms over my head. “What’s wrong with me?” I wasn’t sure whether I was referring to the fact that I couldn’t stand or that stupidly there was still somewhere within me that trusted that Shadow had kept his mouth shut.

“We know you have a concussion, that’s the obvious one,” Cass said. “And to give you some credit, we know that Brad and his crew have a lot of ’splainin’ to do. They‘re might even be sent home.”

“Glad you’re pleased.”

“Oh, most definitely.”

I wanted to strangle him right now. Didn’t he realize that there were bigger things to worry about? That I’d be killed? “I have to get out of here, Cass, please…”

Cass barely opened his mouth when Counselor V and sidekick Janelle both came from the forest with the whack of a clot of brambles. From somewhere out of view I heard Shadow say, “She was unconscious when I left her with these guys.”

Counselor V tsked her tongue, pulling out a medical kit and kneeling to the ground. “You kids should know better than to be getting into this kind of stuff. We’ll patch her up for now, but Shadow if you could grab her towel, we’ll need to bring her to the hospital on the mainland.”

“Can I come?” Shadow asked quietly.

Counselor V turned towards me. “It’s her choice.”

I nodded. Maybe it’d be my death, but as disoriented as I was I wanted things to make sense. And right now he was the one who seriously needed to explain.

“I want to come too,” piped in Paisley. She lowered her head shyly, even though her impish smile was still spread across her face. “If that’s okay.”

There was a moment of silence, then I quickly answered, “Sure,” when I realized that Counselor V was waiting for my response once again.

Janelle flipped open her cell phone, walking away as she talked to the person on the other line to manage a ferry ride across. The island was so remote that it didn’t even have a legitimate hospital, which probably meant that I‘d spend the half an hour on the boat explaining what had happened.

Shadow walked to sit by Cass, and I stared at him warily. His deep auburn eyes were now wide, taking in their new assessment of me. Did he try to find the reason I was marked? Did he already know? The placement of the moon always revealed information about the point of weakness, so he knew it had to do with my eye or head. Great. He was probably assuming I was some complete nut. In all fairness, he wouldn’t be far-off.

Finally Shadow seemed to have found something to say: “So, how’d that go with your phobia and all?” The implication in his voice and the slightest sideways smile assured that he already knew that my phobia was a lie.

“I think my phobia’s rerouted towards concussions,” I responded sarcastically, my fingers warily grazing my head as I rediscovered the bump under my tangled brown hair. “And Brad Monties.”

Shadow smiled, and for a second time we were locked in each other’s gaze. This time, I think, he was trying to find the difference in my eyes - judging the silver hue of one to the silver hue of the other. Identifying my weakness. This time I now looked in his eyes for any glimpse into his intentions.

*


I hadn‘t expected the doctor‘s expression to ever be so grave. “Well she definitely had a concussion, and a pretty nice one at that. But the other thing that came up in our tests is…a little harder to take in…”

I hadn’t seen this coming.

*


I was relieved that Dad was able to stop himself from crying, though I saw the restraint on every inch of his face. He knew I wouldn’t want to see him cry, that the only way I could handle such situations was with remaining calm, and that acting as natural as possible was the best emotional cure for the both of us.

It took a while, but after much talk they allowed Cass, Paisley, and Shadow in for a visit. They smiled, Paisley waving with the same ecstatic energy that seemed to always be racing off of her. I’d asked the doctors and my dad not to tell them about the more surprising results of the tests they’d done, but the fact that they didn’t know, that they were so relaxed, made my stomach tighten now.

Paisley moved forward first. Wordlessly, she raised her foot to rest it on the end of my bed, and pulled off her shoe. I stared around at the others. “Should…I be concerned?”

“Wait a second, I‘m not as weird as I look right now,” Paisley said, and then she pulled off her rainbow-striped sock to reveal a strange makeshift type of brace. Even with the brace on, I could see that her foot was oddly contorted, twisted inward further than it should’ve been, and shaped almost as if she’d made it herself out of a putty. Untying the brace, she revealed a small crescent moon tattoo matching mine. Her electric smile returned to her face. “I’m club-footed.”

A wave of excitement rushed over me, the terrible type of adrenaline that always hit me in these situations. “You’re a Misprint?” I whispered. She nodded, her wild head of springy brown hair bounding with it. I couldn’t imagine hiding a clubfoot. Hiding a normal-looking blind eye was hard enough. My stupidly simple response: “Wow.”

I turned to Cass, then to Shadow. “But…what happens now?”

“We can kill off Shadow if we really need to,” Cass joked darkly. “But as for me, I’m pro-Misprint. I’ve got nothing against you guys.”

We all stared at Shadow now, and what he did terrified me more than I can ever even start to explain. His eyes didn’t look so boyish now, but they retained their typical look of confusion currently accentuated by fear. The shadows of the room had somehow accumulated to make him appear older. Still, his answer didn’t shake. “Alex, you’re my friend…more than my friend, I think…I’m not giving you up.”

“Or Paisley.” I knew my voice didn’t make this an option.

“Or Paisley,” he confirmed, revealing a smallest wavering smile. “I’m not saying I know what to believe yet, but…I am saying that I’m reassessing my morals here.”

Even I didn’t expect myself to hug him, but I pulled myself from my blankets to wrap my arms around his neck in a surprisingly natural embrace. “Promise?” I whispered in his ear.

So softly I barely heard it pass his lips, he answered, “Swear.”

And somehow I believed him.

~*~
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket
  





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Thu Aug 25, 2011 10:46 pm
slash2590 says...



Great
[b]I'm a Loser, I'm a Winner. I'm a Saint and I'm a Sinner![/b]
  





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Thu Aug 25, 2011 11:32 pm
WriteWriter says...



so interesting. I read the first couple of chapters but it was this one that really intruiges me. I wasn't excpecting it to get better and better with each chapter but you know what? It did. I found that I really enjoy it a lot, the characters(ecspecially Alex) are amazing! I didn't find any errors in it or anything like that I'm just stunned and I really can't wait to read more of it!(:

~Faith(:
I Know I Can Wish Upon A Star But My Past Is My Past, And That Includes Last Night And Yesterday.
  





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Fri Aug 26, 2011 1:24 am
Yatta! says...



Yo,

Your writing style is really good. It flows. Grammar is pretty good. The characters seem pretty well defined. I don't know what this story is about, but, as just a taste of your writing talent, I am impressed.
  





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Fri Aug 26, 2011 3:32 pm
IcyFlame says...



Hey there! Icy here to review for you (:
StoryWeaver13 wrote:Went to get the counselors right after he found us to try to wake you up.”
Why would they get counselors? Surely nurses? Of course, I haven't read the other chapters so this comment of mine could be completely stupid!
StoryWeaver13 wrote:Shadow smiled, and for a second time we were locked in each other’s gaze. This time, I think, he was trying to find the difference in my eyes - judging the silver hue of one to the silver hue of the other. Identifying my weakness. This time I now looked in his eyes for any glimpse into his intentions.

This paragraph doesn't flow too great, see if you can rearrange it a little.

That's all I have really! I like your style of writing and the way you characterised everyone. Keep it up!
  








I like to create sympathy for my characters, then set the monsters loose.
— Stephen King