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Pinned - Chapter Two



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Sun Sep 04, 2011 5:58 am
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sparksflying says...



Time ticks very slowly when you are alone. I watch the clock that hangs in the center of one of the bland white walls. 10:45, or fifteen minutes until the supposed “attack.” I drum my fingers absentmindedly on the arms of the chair I’m seated in, synchronizing the last finger to the clicking of each second by the clock.
My cell isn’t nearly as bad as the others I’ve heard described. There are no cobwebs, roaches, or the stale cigarette smell I’ve been told about. In fact, the stories have neglected to tell the only thing that could be said about the room: it is incredibly dull. I try to keep my mind occupied by thinking of Jev’s theory of escape, but each moment becomes increasingly difficult as my mind wanders back to the day of the Incident.
What troubles me the most is that we could have escaped. There I had been, in my room on the second floor of our home, doing something as trivial as reminiscing. If I had looked out the window, I would have seen the first man walk down the street to survey the area.
A few weeks before the attack, my aunt had called our home to ask us if we had seen any suspicious activity in our neighborhood. My aunt had always been the type to go overboard on any inkling of suspicion. She was the kind of person who believed in chiromancy, tarot cards, and psychic readings, so no one could ever take her seriously. This time though, there was something about her tone of voice that convinced me that what she was talking about wasn’t voodoo or black magic.
My mom dismissed what my aunt said, but now, looking back, I wish I had spoken up to say that she had a point, that I was noticing men on the streets, that there were uniformed soldiers coming into our school classes and surveying us in the halls. I knew something wasn’t right, but I hadn’t made the connection, and I hadn’t been brave enough to confront my mother. She was very pointedly stubborn and disagreeing with her always meant that you were wrong. But if I had said something…
A distant boom stops my train of thought. Another rapidly follows until a series of booms sound in succession. Each one seems closer than the previous. I instinctually jump up from my chair and walk towards the direction I hear the booms coming from, the wall where my door is. I press my ear against the wall in hopes to hear some other noise. I hear the faint noise of a ticking. As the thundering comes closer, the ticking in the wall increases rapidly. My eyes widen in realization.
I run to the opposite direction of the room just in time to save myself, covering my ears and crouching down. The bomb detonates, sending pieces of the wall in all directions. I cautiously move my hands from my ears and turn around to see the huge exit that has been created for me. I grin in happiness. Jev was right. The rebels have come.
Smoke from the explosion begins to fill up my cell. I tear off a piece of fabric from the bed in my cell and use it to cover my mouth. I poke my head out of my room to make sure it’s safe. The rooms near me have all been opened and I see several other kids stepping out of their rooms like I am. I need to find Jev.
Gunfire snaps me back to reality. I see the body of a kid down the hall crumple to the ground. Guards appear from around the corner, armed with guns. They are shooting at us! As soon as I see them, I run in the opposite direction, the direction I saw Jev and the guard heading toward. I know he can’t be too far, but the sound of the guns keeps getting closer and closer, leaving me no choice but to continue running.
The smoke is everywhere now, clouding my vision and making it impossible to see more than five feet ahead of me. I trip over charred pieces of furniture and walls. In a few rooms, there are fires. The screaming of the younger children is overwhelming and I hear many cries for help that I force myself to ignore. I come to a point where the ceiling looks to be falling apart and I know that going past it may separate myself from Jev. I must go back.
As I turn around, I bump right into a boy, who looks to be around my age, possibly older. He has golden brown hair and fiery green eyes the size of pearls. I feel those green eyes penetrate me as he and I make eye contact for just a few moments. His lips part slightly and he looks at me as if we know each other, which I’m certain we do not.
“Sorry,” I mumble to him, making my way around his body.
He doesn’t say anything in return, but I feel his eyes follow me as I continue running in the direction towards Jev. I shake off the unusual feeling I’ve experienced from this short encounter easily as I realize that the walls around me are beginning to collapse. The fire is spreading rapidly. I turn back around to see the boy speeding towards me.
“RUN!” he bellows at me as if it might be the last thing he ever says. I begin to see guards emerge from around the corner and my eyes open wide at the realization that their guns are aimed and shooting at us. The boy behind me catches up and grabs my arm, dragging my petrified body down the hallway. “Duck down!” He grabs my head and forces it under his arm, stooping it just below the line of shooting. I feel the whoosh from something zooming over my head.
The adrenaline rush from being shot at propels me to run like I’ve never run before. We run in a diagonal path so as to avoid the fires. The missed shots hit broken pieces of metal and make a resounding pinging sound that pops my eardrums. We come back to the area where most of the rooms were occupied at the time of the attack. Each scream is more earsplitting than the next and I listen for Jev’s voice.
“We need to get out of here!” the boy next to me shouts, sweat trickling down all over his body. “These rooms are in a circle!”
I don’t bother to ask him how he knows. The boy and I both realize that the ceiling in front of us is about to collapse and we push ourselves to run past it just in time. Behind us, the boards fall and fire blocks us from the shooting guards. I look at the boy in our momentary triumph and smile to see him grinning from ear to ear. His smile fades as he realizes that the fire is not far ahead of us and has surrounded us on both sides.
He curses and looks towards the walls on either side of us. He reaches into his pocket and I’m surprised to see him pull out a small bomb. He kisses it before he places it on the wall, clicks a button, and grabs my hand to pull me away. We crouch down on the ground and cover our ears. The bomb goes off and explodes a hole in the wall. He leads me through it and we continue running out into the open air. This is the first time I’ve been outside since the day of the Incident. I had forgotten how the ground feels.
We continue to run until we are a safe distance from the building and then we stop to catch our breath. Our faces are smudged with ash and we’re both burning up.
“Nice job back there,” he says to me, breathing heavily, “you know, staying alive.”
“Thanks,” I say, coughing. “You, uh, did a nice job taking down that wall.” I don’t know how to thank him. My mind is racing everywhere. “My best friend is back there,” I say. “Do you think he made it out okay?”
“God,” he exhales, “I don’t know. Is he strong and fast?”
I’m not sure how to answer. “I suppose so,” I decide.
“Then maybe. You’re not the only one though who lost somebody. My whole team was back there and now they’ve all gone without me,” he states sullenly.
“Doesn’t sound like a great team,” I comment with disinterest.
The boy gives me a hard look as though I’ve crossed the line a little too far. His green eyes swirl around as they concentrate intently on my face. “We saved your life!” he shouts at me.
“Goodness,” I say, raising my eyebrows. “I didn’t mean to make you upset.”
He looks at me like I’m a child apologizing for stealing a cookie from the jar. He twists his face into a smirk and then laughs it off gently. “I know. I’m sorry for the outburst. I’m just very uptight right now,” he says.
“Why would that be? It’s not like you’ve done anything stressful or strenuous lately,” I comment sarcastically. My sarcasm has never been fully appreciated by Jev, so whenever I meet a new person, I have to test it out to see if they are fluent in my favorite language.
“You’re right,” the boy agrees, letting out a small laugh. “I wish I could come up with a speedy retort to that, but I’m not the quickest thinker.”
I smile at him and delight in the brightness that illuminates his eyes from my joke. “That’s alright,” I say. “Maybe we should start by telling each other our names.”
The boy nods and says quickly, “Of course. My name is Akrin Monroe.” His eyes flutter around my face, expecting a fast response.
“I’m Savina,” I say quietly, my thoughts wandering to where Jev could be. Akrin’s sharp tone disrupts my thoughts.
“Savina what?” he pesters me, flashing an annoying smile. I take note that his bottom teeth are crooked. It’s something I’ve never seen before. Someone his age should already have perfect teeth.
“Willow,” I answer, carefully pronouncing my last name.
He rumples his wild brown hair quickly, exhales, and then bends to sit down in the dirt.
I look at him, confused. “What are you doing?”
He ignores me and places his head onto the ground softly.
The image of Jev’s face works its way to the front of my mind, pushing all other thoughts away. I need to go back and find him. If I didn’t, I would be betraying him. “I’m sorry,” I tell Akrin. “I need to go back for my friend.”
“Be my guest,” Akrin says with a laugh, “but don’t get your hopes up.”
I’m not sure why, but for some reason, his comment really bothers me. The idea of Jev getting lost in the fire seems impossible. Jev may not be the strongest or the fastest person I’ve ever met, but he definitely has a quick mind that could carry him through many situations.
“I’ll stay here,” Akrin calls out to me as I begin to jog back to Jev. The fire has somewhat subsided and I notice trucks are beginning to surround the buildings. I need to get in and out very quickly. I run for a huge exit that has been created by a collapsed wall, leading me into what used to be the cells. I run down the hallway, looking around the ground at many fallen bodies. The screams have stopped and given way to faint moans, as if it is all their body can manage anymore.
As I continue further down the hallway, I become more and more worried. I have not seen Jev’s body. I can’t decide if the absence of a body is a good thing. Then, faintly, I hear the call, “Savina! Savina!” I know it’s coming from him. I wouldn’t mistake that call anywhere. I run towards it and I see him, fallen on the ground, nursing a wound in his thigh.
“Jev, what happened?” I say frantically, reaching down to help him.
“They shot,” he says softly. “Keep your voice down. They are coming in to retrieve the survivors. We need to get out of here.” He tries to move his leg and winces.
I help him up and he stands on one leg, leaning into me. We hobble over to the exit I came in and I poke my head outside to make sure we are safe. There is a truck not too far away. I can’t see if the driver’s seat is occupied, but if Jev can’t run, they may be able to spot us.
I turn back to Jev and say, “I don’t know if we can make it.” I don’t mean to say it in a defeated way, but the words come out as surrender. He looks at me and trusts my judgment, hanging his head.
“Go without me, Savina,” he mumbles quietly.
“Did you take an injury to the head, too?” I ask him, surprised. “I am not leaving you. Ever. You’re my best friend. If I left you, I’d never forgive myself.”
Jev shakes his head. “So you’re going to surrender both of us? You don’t know what they’ll do to us after tonight! Maybe they’ll wrap us in chains or send us away somewhere. Who knows? Maybe with my injury I won’t even be useful anymore. They may not keep me…” he trails off.
I hear yells coming from around the corner. I need to make my choice now. As the shouting nears I make a decision that surprises even me. I bend down and take Jev in my arms, his blood spilling over my right arm. Then, without any hesitation, I step out and make a run for the clearing.
  





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Tue Sep 27, 2011 6:32 am
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Butterfly18 says...



Sparksflying, I hoped by now I'd be able to see something that would show me, this is futuristic, this is science fiction.

Sci-Fi obviously doesn't need to be set in space, have robots, aliens and super advanced technology, but it needs something.

At the moment it seems like it's set in the average area on earth, maybe now. Nothing about this tells me its set in the future. Maybe, you could mention the date somewhere.

But still, there has to be something that tells me, this is Sci-Fi. So far there's nothing.

My science fiction novel is well, set in the year 2185, on pre-apocalyptic earth. Now I don't make the year obvious straight away, but small things I added, like I have hovercars, and clerks that look perfectly human but are robotic, plus it opens in a school-type atmosphere where they're learning about bomb composition and stuff. That's what I have in my first chapter, and by reading it, anyone would be able to tell, this has got to be set in the future.

You need to add something that shows that this is Science fiction. So far you've got everything you need, except you haven't properly identified genre.

Also, the setting I'm picturing is kind of like in, The Island, with the clone people and Scarlet Johannsen. Haha. That alone though doesn't tell me, this is advanced in any way.

Anyway, other than that, to the text.

Time ticks very slowly when you are alone.
Unnecessary. We all know time flys when you're having fun, and drags when you're a loner. You can just start here,

I watch the clock that hangs in the center of one of the bland white walls. 10:45, or fifteen minutes until the supposed “attack.” I drum my fingers absentmindedly on the arms of the chair I’m seated in, synchronizing the last finger to the clicking of each second by the clock.

Also, I'm going to tighten this up a bit.

I watch the clock that hangs on one of the white walls. 10:45. Fifteen minutes until the supposed “attack.” I drum my fingers absentmindedly on the arms of the chair, synchronizing the last finger to the clicking of each second by the clock.

I've only used what is necessary, and it's tighter.

After this, again with all the back story about the Incident. Keep it simple, keep it short and you'll make it seem more intriguing and readers will want to know, 'what happened, what is the Incident?' as you slowly divulge fact after fact.

Other than that, this is pretty good.

All just my opinion, by the way. Feel free to disregard my comments if you like.
Hope it helps though.
Seem you like, Sci-Fi, you may be into my story. I've posted the first chapter. You should check it out, you may like it.

:)
  








In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien