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A Reason for Fire, Chapter 1: A Reason for Fire



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Mon May 01, 2006 9:37 pm
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Prosithion says...



It was a sunny day in New york. The white paved streets snaked through the city, light
traffic humming along, heading for various destinations. From an Earthquake two
hundred years ago, historical buildings such as the Statue of Liberty were gone. In its
place was a large oblong building. The parking lot outside it was new black pavement, the
lines fresh, bold. There was a fence around the edge of the island, save for a gate at the
north side, where a bridge extended to the mainland. The fence was twelve feet tall and
was topped by shimmering barbed wire. It was the United States thermological center and
was in the business and development sector of the city, which was the most
technologically advanced sector. The farther away you went from the development sector,
the dirtier everything became. Finally once you got into the center of the city, the area
looked like it had undergone a bomb experiment. There were burned out buildings and
the streets were pockmarked and cars were rusting all along the streets. This part of the
city was for the poorer citizens. Those who earned less than fifteen thousand dollars a
year. The people who earned more than that lived in the area directly around the business
and development center. They were the people who earned from fifty thousand dollars to
the millions. These people were the ones who worked in the development centers. They
worked in restaurants, office buildings, medical research centers. science centers,
museums, schools, and government buildings.

The difference between rich and poor was so great that most of the poor couldn’t
even afford to pay their electric bills. The rich however would hold evening parties
almost every day. They spent thousands of dollars on electric every few weeks and never
seemed to run out of money.

This story starts in the house of a wealthy young scientist who has recently
graduated from MIT who has hooked a job at the United states Thermological Research
center. He had come from old money and had received this important job only as a gift
from his parents who were both politicians. He was a mediocre scientist and his superiors
didn’t like having him around the equipment, but his parents had fought for his placement
and he had received it. Now, he was in the heat studies wing of the center and was being
assigned the most inane order he’d ever been given.

To handle the worlds increased energy needs, some moron had suggested drilling
to the center of the planet. This would give humanity unlimited resources. The scientific
community had thought that this was a grand idea and so had assigned a team of scientist,
including our you graduate, to devise a way to drill the long and very hot distance to the
core. Our scientist, Korey Cochran, was a thermo biologist, a scientist who studies how
living things react to heat. It was a relatively new study area, due to the recent probe
missions to Venus and Mercury. The probes to Mercury had never survived, melting into
a gas as it was nearing Mercury’s atmosphere, but not before it recorded some interesting
facts. One such fact was that there were smallish protozoans living on the surface. These
protozoans were basic organisms, but had revealed that certain organisms could
withstand even the hottest temperatures.

Korey had been assigned to this ludicrous experiment to see if there were such
protozoans in Earth’s core. Since it was highly improbable that Korey would find anything,
the other scientists felt that this was a perfect opportunity for Kory to get his feet wet. They
could not have been more wrong.

<><><><><>

It was early in the morning, and Korey had just awakened, eager to get ready to go
to the lab. The drillers were going to break through later today and he was expected to be
there at the lab when they did it. He was surprised that the drillers had survived the trip
down in the first place.

A special machine had been made to drill down to the core while keeping the
drillers alive and hauling the drilled rock up tot he surface at the same time. The drilling
platform was connected to the surface by a pipe, circulating liquid nitrogen which cooled
both the drill head and the people inside. The platform was shaped like a giant
Earthworm. It was made of a specialized new material which was flexible yet could
withstand the enormous pressures that were constantly present under Earth’s surface. At
the front of the “worm”, there was a massive drill head, which churned through the rock
and left it red hot after its passage. The inner walls of the drilling platform were cooled by
liquid nitrogen and left the crew in compartments which were a balmy 130 degrees
Fahrenheit. Once the drill broke through to the core, it would disconnect from the rest of the
platform and fall into the core, leaving the platform in place like a plug in a sink. From
there, the scientists would be able to study the core in detail and test the materials to see if
they are conducive to use as fuels.

Korey arrived at the laboratory and found it filled to the other scientists already
assembled. He took a place beside the head scientist and looked at the viewing screen. All
it showed was a spiral of red rock and the rear end of the drill spinning, its sides red hot.
He turned to the Head scientist, a guy named Vito Palmer.

“ How long have you guys been standing here,” Korey asked, seeing that they
were glued to the screen. On scientist graced him with a “ be quiet” wave and mumbled
something about 3 o’clock. Korey sighed and turned back to the screen which was
showing some very interesting sandstone. It was pretty boring and Korey could have slept
in and not missed the breakthrough.

Korey was just about to fall asleep standing up when a young scientist named
Sheri Noble, her voice rising to a earsplitting squeak exclaimed,

“ They’re braking through. Look.” She nudged Korey hard in the ribs and pointed
towards the view screen. The red tinge seemed a little brighter, but it hadn’t changed

screen and letting out little “oohs”, and “ahhs.” Korey was about to scream when the rock
in front of the drill head started to crumble and crack. The drillers applied more power to
the drill and it whirred even faster, it sides an unhealthy red. Korey could imagine the
noise that that drill was making and his teeth gritted involuntarily. The rocks crumbled
and fell away into very bright red light. The scientists stared in amazement and the core
revealed itself. It was a sight worth a trillion dollars. The core itself was hollow, it inner
space being filled up with brilliant balls of fire. The flames formed intricate pattens and
shapes, billowing out, and contracting into a solid looking ball. The flames were moving
swiftly around the core in a definite circular pattern, following the curve of the walls, as
they swept around in a huge cure. The center of the “cavern” was filled with a boiling
bubbling sphere of liquid fire. It convulsed and contracted in a steady beat. All of the
wisps of fire were swirling around that central sphere, spinning into the center and
whipping out again, their flames brighter than ever. A thermometer beside the window in
which the camera was looking out of had burst its top, the liquid mercury splattering the
corner of the widow. It was starting to bubble and hiss like cooking oil.

Someone broke Korey’s concentration by poking him in the ribs. It was Sheri.

“ Come on. We’re going down. Are you coming or what?”

“ Yeah, why do you always have to poke me in the ribs?”

She didn’t answer, but grabbed his hand and hauled him out the door, eager tog
get down to the drill site. For being only 5’4”, Sheri was surprisingly strong and he allowed
himself to be pulled out the door. Finally, He shook her loose.

“ Knock it off already.”

They followed the other scientists down the hall and headed out into the sun of
midsummer. The drill site was located near the city Lake Ontario which had been built in
the drained lake. The drill site itself was as big as a football field. There was a giant super
cooled building which housed the actual tunnel, with smaller buildings and pipes radiating
out from it like some big octopus. The scientists arrived in their helicopter and walked
towards the drill tunnel, with all manner of crates and boxes. the inside of the central
building was hot,the air hazy and choking. There was an elevator which had been bolted
onto he side of the hole, making it possible to travel from the top to the bottom. the
scientists entered and rode the elevator all he way to the drill. It got exceptionally hotter
as the scientists went down, and after what seemed an eternity, they arrived at the bottom,
the huge hulk of the drilling platform resting at the opening. a hatch opened as the
scientists got out of the elevator and a big burly man motioned them over. They entered
the main part of the drilling platform and moved down its length. Korey looked at the
dirty gritty metal around him and wiped a hand across his forehead. It was really hot here
and he was surprised that the drillers didn’t get dehydrated. They finally arrived at the front
view ports and crowded around. It was a sight that Korey would never forget. The wisps
of flame weer still swirling around the central sphere. Now however, a few had drifted over
tot he general area of the drill pug and billowed and contracted around it, Korey looked at
the flames and he seemed to get the impression that they were studying him as much as he
was studying them.

“ This is amazing Sheri said as one of the flicks of fire billowed against the
window, its ends curling back, then it flitted away, heading into the center.

One flame in particular; caught Korey’s eye. It was billowing near the left corner
of the window. It was dimming as he watched, then another joined it. As soon as the other
flame joined it, the first flitted away for the enter, where it brightened itself. The second
took up a post in the exact same place as the fist. There it billowed, not moving and
waiting it seemed.

A thought was raising itself in Korey’s mind. It seemed as if the wisps of fire were
sentient, alive. They seemed to be moving in a definite pattern and when one left a
position around the hole, another moved to take its place.

“ I’m picking up air in there,” another biologist said. “It’s super hot, but
breathable.”

“ Hey guys,” Korey said, “It looks as if these things are alive.”

Somebody snorted, but no one else said anything.

“ I’m serious. They’re moving in complex patterns and it looks almost as if
they’re guarding the drilling platform.”

“ Okay Korey, now you’ve lost it. They’re a direct effect of the gasses and the
extreme heat. There is nothing living about them.” That was Sheri, who happened to be a
chemist.

“ No, look. When one leaves the windows, another one takes its [place. Every time
one leaves. Those patterns they’re making aren’t a effect of the gasses, I don’t care what
you say. They’re alive.”

“ OK, let’s say that they are alive. Why is there air down here. The drill tube seals
it of so that there is no contamination. Why is there air?”

“ Well, I could take a guess, maybe it’s the volcanos and stuff. They’re connected
to the core, right. So that might explain why there is air down here.”

“ It seems pretty far fetched, but what ever.”

<><><><><>

It was almost a month later, and Korey had been at home for a week, letting some other
thermo biologist study the candles. He was sitting over a bowl of cheerios on morning
when he hit upon a very ludicrous, but possible idea. It sent him racing out the door, his
cheerios softening in the bowl. He ran into he sun and didn’t stop running, not even for a
taxi. He made it to the front gate of the Thermological research center and flashed his ID
at a guard as he raced around the barricade. He burst into the laboratory where the
scientists had watched the breakthrough and ran up to Sheri who had just arrived, her
purse still in her hands.

“ Sheri,” Korey said, totally out of breath, “ i might be able to catch one of those
things.”

“ What?” She looked at him as if he’d just lost his mind, but he repeated his idea
and waited eagerly for her reply.

“ What have you been drinking?”

She was totally missing his point and Korey turned and ran to Benny, another
chemist, who was crazy enough to believe him. There, he repeated hi idea and Benny sat
for a moment, then a wide mischievous grin spread across his face.

“ Wow, it might work. Where’s Johnny?”

Johnny, the old grouchy microbiologist who happened to be the head guy on this
escapade, was sitting in front of a computer looking at a bunch of figures.

“ Johnny, Korey has come up with a brilliant idea.”

Johnathan Calderan glanced at him, then turned back to the computer screen.
Benny pushed the power button and the screen flicked off.

Johnny turned on Benny, “ What do you want?”

“ Korey has come up with a brilliant idea.”

“ What?”

“ We might be able to catch one of these torch thing.”

Johnny burst into guffawing laughter which quickly digressed into into a fit of
coughing.

Once he had sufficiently recovered, Korey said, “ It might be possible, seriously.”

Sheri had by that time drifted over and after an initial snicker, she said, “ How are
you going to go around catching one.”

Korey then proceeded to explain his plan and after a long while, he got everyone
to agree with him and he had permission from Johnny to use whatever means he felt
necessary to result int he capture of one of the fire beings.

<><><><><>

It was several months before Korey’s plan was ready to be tested. Over that time,
Korey’s idea was getting some national attention. since the breakthrough, reporters had
been allowed down to the drilling platform and much of the nation and in fact much of the
world was watching the events unfold. Many of the more powerful and wealthy nations
including China, Japan, and Israel had begun there own digging, hoping to capitalize on the
world’s greatest recourse.

Already, Alex Dane, the president, was arguing with both Japan and China over
who owned the core. The argument was heated and there was the possibility of war.

It was late in October when Korey’s idea was finally lowered into the core.

His idea was a giant horseshoe shaped sack made of poly thermoplast, a new heat
resistant webbing, held together by ribbing. Korey had it layered, making a sandwich of
the material. between the layers, he had injected liquid helium and had put a sensitive
trigger in the back of the sack. He had attached a strobe light to the back, right above the
trigger.v the strobe light would attract the creatures, and the sudden change in temperature
would trip the trigger and the ends of the horseshoe would snap shut, trapping one of the
creatures inside.

As of the last few months, Korey had been subject to countless interviews and TV
appearances. He was getting phone calls in all hours of the night and say, being asked
for interview and finally, he’d begun turning down the requests.

<><><><><>

I was late on the morning of October 28 when Korey arrived at the core, his
unsightly contraption hanging in a specially constructed airlock. He walked up to the
driller who was in control of the giant winch which held Korey’s trap.

“ That trap will only last a few seconds. I’m counting on one of those things
getting into the trap immediately, so once it’s in, pull the trap up quickly.”

“ OK, um... How do you know that one of these things will come into the trap?”

“ I’ve been studying these things or a while and I think they’ll come to to the
light.”

Withing an hour, Korey and the rest of the scientists were crowded around the
front view ports, their eyes following the “living torches”.

They heard the airlock open and Korey’s horseshoe dropped into the core, its outer
layer already beginning to melt, globs of poly thermoplast falling into the boiling fire in
the center.

One of the torches swirled, its edges curling like burning paper.

It moved swiftly into the horseshoe and billowed around the spotlight. Suddenly,
the open end of the trap contracted and the ends touched, sealing themselves.

“ Now!” Korey yelled, the instant the trap sealed shut.

The trap was yanked away from the core, pieces of it falling away. It was pulled
into the airlock and the outer doors closed, trapping the creature inside. Korey turned and
headed for one of the side windows which looked in on the airlock.

the creature had spread out thin, all of its edges touching the walls. It looked like a
haze, pulsing at him.

“Korey, look!” Sheri yelled to him. she was still at the front windows.

He returned to the front windows and peered through, just as one of the pulsing
orbs of fire, slammed into the window. He jumped back, startled, as another hit the
window, its center dispersing.

“ Alright everyone,” Johnny said sternly, “ lets get this one up to the lab. Lets go
people.”

<><><><><>

The trip up tot he surface was slow and Korey was eager to get back to the lab.
Finally, they arrived and watched as the half melted thermoplast sack was lowered into a
heat resistant chamber. They watched as the creature melted it way out of the sack and
formed a semisolid sphere in the center of the room. Johnny went immediately to work,
his computer humming as he opened up files and prepared to make a series of tests.

Jorey stood in front of the window, watching the creature. it was pulsing furiously
now. It was also dimming. The change was slow, but Korey noticed it.

“ Hey guys, it’s dimming.”

Sheri and Benny rushed over, but the other were crowded around Johnny. Korey
looked back in and the creature had turned to a dull orange color and its pulse had
slowed and finally stopped.

The creature’s death was slow, it form dimming, until it was nothing more than a
brown haze in the center of the room. Finally, it went out like a whetted match, a little
smoke blowing out form it. The room was quiet for a few seconds, then Johnny cursed
and slammed off the screen on his monitor.

All of a sudden, the ground shook, the floor shifting beneath their feet, the glasses
and beakers falling off the shelves, shattering on the floor. A load roar filled their ears and
Korey and Sheri ran out of the room, following the sound. They arrived at the front door,
and looked out onto smoke and fire raging through the city. Sirens had begun blaring, but
were cut off by the load roar. The ground beneath their feet shifted so much that Korey
had to grab a railing to keep from losing his balance. The sky had darkened with smoke
and Korey heard Johnny run up behind him.

“ Lets go. We have to check on the dig site.”

Their helicopter lifted of and Korey looked down into the city, fire and liquid
magma spouting out of long cracks in the streets. In the city, it was pandemonium.
Several buildings had collapsed and several re had caught fire, fire pouring out of the
windows. They thudded overhead and headed West, towards the dig site. What thy saw
when they arrived was enough to make Korey blood run cold.

The hole where the drill was had become a funnel for spurting flame. the fire and
lave spouting hundreds of feet in the air.there were rivers of magma running away from
the site, torching grass and trees as it flowed over the ground. The ground was still
shaking and trees were beginning to topple, their leaves catching fire and sending acrid
smoke into the air. They turned and raced away, not wanting to endanger themselves. It was
at that point when a towering spout of flame flew into the air, enveloping the helicopter
if fire and boiling liquid. The helicopter exploded, chunks of it falling with the lava.
Last edited by Prosithion on Mon May 01, 2006 9:57 pm, edited 2 times in total.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

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Mon May 01, 2006 9:49 pm
Poor Imp says...



It seems somewhat rushed as far as events and plot go...

But I can't tell! The format makes it nigh on impossible to read. Try to paragraph it and separate dialogue - I'll reread when it's readable. ^_^''
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

"There is adventure in simply being among those we love, and among the things we love -- and beauty, too."
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Mon May 01, 2006 9:59 pm
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Prosithion says...



Sorry about that. When I go to edit it, all of the paragraphs are where they are supposed to be. I have no clue why. :? :? :?
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

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Wed May 03, 2006 5:19 pm
Firestarter says...



I made it easier to read, Imp.

Reas: the problem is that indents don't seem to register on the boards so you've got to leave a blank line as a paragraph divider. I sorted it for you this time, so now people should be more likely to read your work.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.
  





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Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:08 pm
Prosithion says...



Thanks FS. hope you liked the story
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

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Tue Sep 05, 2006 5:39 pm
Dream Deep says...



This was pretty neat.... the only problem is one you seem to face with a lot of your stories - it's really rushed. It drags us right through. Try to even it out a bit, a bit of drama perhaps? ^_~
  





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Tue Sep 05, 2006 7:26 pm
Prosithion says...



K. I'll see what I can do.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"
  





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Tue Sep 05, 2006 7:55 pm
Zion says...



Yeah. But, theres is a diffrence between this story and the one before. I might be wrong though, but I THINK that a bit more background will do the story some justice. Its always about flavor and concept. You seem to be great at the latter, since most of the younger writers (including me) have a problem of adding waaay too much details thus suffocating the reader with zounds of useless info. Your problem is the opposite. The story is stagnant in details. I might be wrong though...*shrugs* but thats just a personal opinion.
Without sensibility no object would be given to us, without understanding no object would be thought. Thoughts without content are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind.

Immanuel Kant
"Critique of Pure Reason"
  





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Tue Sep 05, 2006 8:03 pm
Prosithion says...



k, thanks. ^_^
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Thu Sep 07, 2006 1:36 am
Roaming Shadow says...



Allrighty, let’s get this show on the road. First things first, the first two paragraphs. They are rather formal, where most of the rest of the piece is rather informal. Also, as far as the story goes, most of it seems quite meaningless. Until it becomes relevant, don’t even mention the poor and rich distinction. Then, when its relevance is actually needed for the story, integrate it instead of using one long paragragh.

This story starts...

I…don’t really care for this opening line. It doesn’t sound “wrong”, per say, it just doesn’t seem to fit. Besides, “begins” sounds better, though the line may sound closer to a cliché.

It was early in the morning, and Korey had just awakened, eager to get ready to go to the lab.

“Eager to get ready”? How about just eager to get to work? Eager to get ready just seems a little too much.

A special machine had been made to drill down to the core while keeping the drillers alive and hauling the drilled rock up tot he surface at the same time.

You do this a lot. In several places you have “tot he”, which I assume should be “to the”.

The platform was shaped like a giant Earthworm. It was made of a specialized new material which was flexible yet could withstand the enormous pressures that were constantly present under Earth’s surface.

Replace the period with a comma and replace the “It” with “and”.

Korey arrived at the laboratory and found it filled to the other scientists already assembled.

You mean, “filled with”?

...very interesting sandstone. It was pretty boring...

Is it interesting or boring? Make up your mind.

“ They’re braking through. Look.” She nudged Korey hard in the ribs and pointed towards the view screen. The red tinge seemed a little brighter, but it hadn’t changed screen and letting out little “oohs”, and “ahhs.” Korey was about to scream when the rock in front of the drill head started to crumble and crack. The drillers applied more power to the drill and it whirred even faster, it sides an unhealthy red. Korey could imagine the noise that that drill was making and his teeth gritted involuntarily. The rocks crumbled
and fell away into very bright red light. The scientists stared in amazement and the core revealed itself. It was a sight worth a trillion dollars. The core itself was hollow, it inner space being filled up with brilliant balls of fire. The flames formed intricate pattens and shapes, billowing out, and contracting into a solid looking ball. The flames were moving swiftly around the core in a definite circular pattern, following the curve of the walls, as they swept around in a huge cure. The center of the “cavern” was filled with a boiling
bubbling sphere of liquid fire. It convulsed and contracted in a steady beat. All of the wisps of fire were swirling around that central sphere, spinning into the center and whipping out again, their flames brighter than ever. A thermometer beside the window in which the camera was looking out of had burst its top, the liquid mercury splattering the corner of the widow. It was starting to bubble and hiss like cooking oil.

Very nice, I loved this description. For how long it is, I felt that it didn’t slow down the story at all, but actually contributed quite well. Nice job.

The whole scene of leaving the one building, getting to the drill site and getting in seems rushed. It’s like your saying, “Yadda Yadda Yadda now on to the good stuff.

Now however, a few had drifted over to the general area of the drill pug and billowed and contracted around it, Korey looked at the flames and he seemed to get the impression that they were studying him as much as he
was studying them.

I think the comma should be a period.

One flame in particular; caught Korey’s eye.

Get rid of the semicolon.

In the dialogue between Korey and Sheri needs to have more to it. Have some kind of motion going on or explain how the lines are being said. It shouldn’t be dialogue only going back and forth.

He was sitting over a bowl of cheerios on morning when he hit upon a very ludicrous, but possible idea.

This just seems a little sudden. The fact that it just “came to him”. Though what happened next was described well.

Jorey stood in front of the window, watching the creature.

You mean Johnny, or is Jorey Somebody else?

Sirens had begun blaring, but were cut off by the load roar.

I think “drowned out” would work better.

...torching grass and trees as it flowed over the ground.

Wouldn’t the grass and trees have already incinerated by then?

The helicopter exploded, chunks of it falling with the lava.

Whaaaaa!?!? Where did that come from!?

Okay, the following is likely to sound harsh, but please bear with me. I’d say it nicer if I knew how. All right, when I reached the end I basically thought, “What was the point of this chapter?” To be brutally honest I think this would work better if you condensed it into more of a summery, took out the individual names, and made it a prologue. Unless I misread it, all the important characters are now dead, unless Sheri wasn’t on the Helicopter. But unless she has a vital importance to the rest of the story, I truly feel this would word a lot better as a prologue, then start chapter one with the lead protagonist. It’s a mini story in itself, which shouldn’t be chapter one.

I’m honestly sorry if that sounded harsh, but I just felt strongly about it when I got to the end. I really like what you have, despite the numerous grammatical errors. The idea sound very original and very interesting. This has the potential to be a great work here, and I’ll get to reading your other chapters along the line. One last note, for your other chapters, take a few minutes and put spaces between the paragraphs. Trust me, it won’t take long, I’ve done it and people have made note of the length of my stories. Anyway, nice work.
  





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Thu Sep 07, 2006 12:30 pm
Prosithion says...



WOW, thanks for the crit. Maybe you're right. Making this chapter into a prolouge or something might do the trick. Thanks so much. :)
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Thu Sep 07, 2006 7:43 pm
Dream Deep says...



You could make a novel out of it! :wink:

I mean, I know you have "Eos Quo" that connects to this and ... lol, whatever the other one was, but still! If you work this write you can make this much larger and more indepth...
  





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Mon Nov 06, 2006 4:01 pm
Myth says...



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*

In case you missed my TSR critique:

It was a sunny day in New York. The white paved streets snaked through the city, light traffic humming along, heading for various destinations. From an Earthquake two hundred years ago, historical buildings such as the Statue of Liberty were gone.


Does earthquake really need a capital ‘e’?

In its place was a large oblong building. The parkinglot outside it was new black pavement, the lines fresh, bold.


Parking lot is two words. A parking lot I’m sure is usually on the outside, you can rephrase this. Suggestion: the parking lot around it was new with ...
When you used pavement did you mean the concrete was black, or pavement as in the sidewalk?


The farther away you went from the development sector,the dirtier everything became. Finally once you got into the center of the city, the arealooked like it had undergone a bomb experiment. There were burned out buildings andthe streets were pockmarked and cars were rusting all along the sides of the streets.


You need to remember to use spaces: ‘sector, the’ ‘area looked’ ‘and the’

This part of the city was for the poorer citizens. Those who earned less than fifteen thousand dollars a year.


You can combine these two sentences together.

The people who earned more than that lived in the area directly around the business and development center. They were the people who earned from fifty thousand dollars to the millions. These people were the ones who worked in the development centers, restaurants, office buildings, medical research centers. science centers, museums, schools, and government buildings.


You wouldn’t necessarily need to give such a long list of jobs these people do.

One such fact was that there were smallish protazoans living on the surface. These protazoans were basic organisms, but had revealed that certain organisms could withstand even the hottest temperatures.


‘protazoans’ is spelled ‘protozoans’.

Korey had been assigned to this ludicrous experiment to see if there were such protazoans in Earth’s core. Since it was highly improbable that Korey would find anything, the other scientists felt that this was a perfect opportunity for Kory to get his feet wet. They could not have been more wrong.


You’ve spelt Korey wrong there, also try not to repeat his name too often – you can use ‘him’ there.

It was early in the morning, and Korey had just awakened, eager to get ready to go to the lab. The drillers were going to break through later today and he was expected to be there at the lab when they did it. He was surprised that the drillers had survived the trip down in the first place.


Remember repeating a word isn’t always required. This line can read: ... and he was expected to be there when they did.

At the front of the “worm”, there was a massive drill head, which churned through the rock and left it red hot after its passage.


Used apostrophes and not speech marks around worm: ‘worm’

The inner walls of the drilling platform were cooled by liquid helium and left the crew in compartments which were a balmy 130 degrees ferenheit.


‘ferenheit’ = Fahrenheit

“How long have you guys been standing here,” Korey asked, seeing that they were glued to the screen. On scientist graced him with a “ be quiet” wave and mumbled something about 3 o’clock.


Again, use apostrophes for 'be quiet'.

Korey was just about to fall asleep standing up when a young scientist named Sheri Noble, her voice rising to a earsplitting squeak exclaimed, “ They’re braking through. Look.” She nudged Korey hard in the ribs and pointed towards the viewscreen.


‘breaking’ instead of ‘braking’.

The red tinge seemed a little brighter, but it hadn’t changed Korey was about to scream when the rock in front of the drill head started to crumble and crack.


It was a little confusing reading the second part of this. Use a comma to separate what Korey was about to do.

The drillers applied more power to the drill and it whirred even faster, it sides an unhealthy red.


its

Korey could imagine the noise that drill was making and his teeth gritted involuntarily.


Remember what I said about repeating? The reader is aware you are talking about the drill, here you can use ‘it’.

The core itself was hollow, it inner space being filled up with brilliant balls of fire.


Its inner space...

The flames were moving swiftly around the core in a definite circular pattern, following the curve of the walls, as they swept around in a huge cure.


I don’t think I understand what you meant by ‘huge cure’.

The center of the “cavern” was filled with a boiling bubbling sphere of liquid fire.


‘cavern’

It convulsed and contracted in a steady beat. All of the wisps of fire were swirling around that central sphere, spinning into the center and whipping out again, their flames brighter than ever.


You wouldn’t necessarily need to say ‘all of the wisps’, just start with ‘Wisps of fire...’

It convulsed and contracted in a steady beat. All of the wisps of fire were swirling around that central sphere, spinning into the center and whipping out again, their flames brighter than ever.


Use a dash after ‘window’ and end at ‘of’

“Come on. We’re going down. Are you coming or what?”

“ Yeah, why do you always have to poke me in the ribs?”


No space is needed after the speech mark when speaking.

She didn’t answer, but grabbed his hand and hauled him out the door, eager to get down to the drill site. For being only 5’4”, Sheri was suprisingly strong and he allowed himself to be pulled out the door. Finally, He shook her loose.


‘suprisingly’ is spelt surprisingly. ‘He’ shouldn’t be capitalised.

They followed the other scientists down the hall and headed out into the sun of midsummer. The drill site was located near the city Lake Ontario which had been built in the drained lake. The drill site itself was as big as a football field.


Repetition of the drill site, cut it out ‘drill’.

There was a giant super cooled building which housed the actual tunnel, with smaller buildings and pipes radiating out from it like some giant octopus.


‘giant super cooled building’? ‘like some giant octopus’? I like the how you’re trying to compare it to an octopus, you can use ‘like’ but cut out ‘some’ and replace it with ‘a’.

The scientists arrived in their helicopter and walked towards the drill tunnel, with all manner of crates and boxes. The inside of the central building was hot, the air hazy and choking. There was an elevator which had been bolted onto the side of the hole, making it possible to travel from the top to the bottom. The scientists entered and rode the elevator all the way to the drill. It got a lot hotter as the scientists went down, and after what seemed an eternity, they arrived at the bottom, the huge hulk of the drilling platform resting at the opening. A hatch opened as the scientists got out of the elevator and a big burly man motioned them over. They entered the main part of the drilling platform and moved down its length. Korey looked at the dirty gritty metal around him and wiped a hand across his forehead. It was really hot here and he was suprised that the drillers didn’t get dehydrated.


‘surprised’ should be ‘surprised’.

They finally arrived at the front viewports and crowded around. It was a sight that Korey would never forget. The wisps of flame were still swirling around the central sphere. Now however, a few had drifted over to the general area of the drill plug and billowed and contracted around it, Korey looked at the flames and he seemed to get the impression that they were studying him as much as he was studying them.


This entire section needs breaking down, at the moment it’s a huge paragraph, hurtful to the eyes and also readers would generally lose interest.

“No, look. When one leaves the windows, another one takes its place. Every time one leaves. Those patterns they’re making aren’t a effect of the gasses, I don’t care what you say. They’re alive.”

Those patterns aren’t effects of the gasses.

“OK, let’s say that they are alive. Why is there air down here. The drill tube seals it of so that there is no contamination. Why is there air?”


The drill tube seals it of so that there is no contamination. You’ll need to take out ‘of’. ‘Why is there air down here’ needs a question mark.

It was almost a month later, and Korey had been at home for a week, letting some other thermo biologist study the candles. He was sitting over a bowl of cheerios one morning when he hit upon a very ludicrous, but possible idea.


Cheerios is a brand, it’ll need a capital C.

She was totally missing his point and Korey turned and ran to Benny, another chemist, who was crazy enough to believe him. There, he repeated his idea and Benny sat for a moment, then a wide mischievous grin spread across his face.


Totally missing his point? Sounds like something a teenager would say, don’t use it in this type of fiction, especially when its about scientific research.

Korey then proceeded to explain his plan and after a long while, he got everyone to agree with him and he had permission from Johnny to use whatever means he felt necessary to result in he capture of one of the fire beings.


... to result in capturing one of the fire being.

His idea was a giant horeshoe shaped sack made of poly thermoplast, a new heat resistant webbing, held together by ribbing. Korey had it layered, making a sandwich of the material.


‘horeshoe shaped’ = horseshoe-shaped

Between the layers, he had injected liquid helium and had put a sensitive trigger in the back of the sack. He had attached a stroblight to the back, right above the trigger. The strobelight would attract the creatures, and the sudden change in temperature would trip the trigger and the ends of the horeshoe would snap shut, trapping one of the creatures inside.


‘strobelight’ is separated with a space. ‘horeshoe’ is spelt wrong again.

I was late on the morning of October 28 when Korey arrived at the core, his unsightly contraption hanging in a specially constructed airlock.


It was late...

“That trap will only last a few seconds. I’m counting on one of those things getting into the trap immediately, so once it’s in, pull the trap up quickly.”


Who said this?

Within an hour, Korey and the rest of the scientists were crowded around the front viewports, their eyes following the “living torches”.


Apostrophes needed for living torches.

They heard the airlock open and Korey’s horeshoe dropped into the core, its outer layer already beginning to melt, globs of poly thermoplast falling into the boiling fire in the center.


‘horeshoe’ = horseshoe

“Alright everyone,” Johnny said sternly, “ lets get this one up to the lab. Lets go people.”


Lets = Let’s

The creature’s death was slow, it form dimming, until it was nothing more than a brown haze in the center of the room.


... its form dimming ...

Finally, it went out like a whetted match, a little smoke blowing out form it. The room was quiet for a few seconds, then Johnny cursed and slammed off the screen of his monitor.


... a little smoke blowing out from it. Johnny wouldn’t exactly ‘slam’ off the screen would he? He’d angry switch it off.

Serins had begun blaring, but were cut off by the load roar.


‘Serins’ = Sirens.

“Lets go. We have to check on the dig site.”


Lets = Let’s

Their helicopter lifted of and Korey looked down into the city, fire and liquid magma spouting out of long cracks in the streets. In the city, it was pandemonium.


... lifted of = lifted off. In the city, it was pandemonium = The city was in pandemonium/ There was pandemonium in the city.

Several buildings had collapsed and several had caught fire, fire pouring out of the windows.


Instead of the second ‘several’ use ‘others’

The hole where the drill was had become a funnel for spouting flame.


... a funnel of spouting flames.

The fire and lava spouting hundreds of feet into the air. There were rivers of magma running away from the site, torching grass and trees as it flowed over the ground. The ground was still shaking and trees were beginning to topple, their leaves catching fire and sending acrid smoke into the air. The helicopter turned and raced away, the pilot not wanting to endanger his passengers. It was at that point when a towering spout of flame flew into the air, enveloping the helicopter in fire and boiling liquid. The helicopter exploded, chunks of it falling with the lava.


What about other scientists in that area? Are there any running away, in their own cars/helicopters? You don’t mention other people here, just what is happening with the lava.

I’ve never really been interested in science, this started off boring. Information was given about social divide and then you began on Korey.

He seems intelligent but you don’t really show it. You can improve his character by having him think more, you can have his thought in italics so it doesn’t seem that he got his idea out of nowhere. How does he keep his idea locked? Does he have a diary/journal where he jots down notes/ideas, or a recorder so he can remember ideas when he can’t write them down? These are things you can use to make him realistic.

I really like the idea of these ‘fire beings’ coming alive and maybe getting revenge for the death of one of their kind.

Slow down with Korey’s idea. Explain what he wants to do, don’t just rush ahead to when he actually carries out what he plans to do. Science experiments take time, by explain what is going to happen so someone who doesn’t understand/like science, like me, can actually learn something new and decide to read further.
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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12 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 12
Sat Nov 11, 2006 10:22 pm
L says...



Man i know most of this has been said before (in a very precise fashion) but i'd just like to repeat, i suppose lol

-I read the story after reading the reviews, just so i knew what i wasn't looking for (if you know what i mean)

-Some of your descriptions are really well written and when you edit it, it will end up really detailed

- you do repeat Korey's name a lot, and it was a little offputting at the start. nevertheless it can be changed easily

- ok, you do have some spelling errors, but to be honest, its just easy mistakes everyone makes on a keyboard. I do it all the time without fail, and once you look through it its all ok. It doesn't take that much effort either, and boom, everythings a lot better!

-some of the paragraphs were a little confusing to read, but that doesn't take much to look over and sort out. Plus dont be picky on what you do change and what yo don't, its best to just trust yourself and change every single little thing.

-sometimes i wondered how you might add other chapters to this one, but you obviously have so i'll have to read them lol

-I'm with Myth, Korey sounds intelligent and there isn't enough time to proove it. and do you get what i mean when i say the other scientists are just 'other scinetists?'

well thats my bit, its the first time i've done something like this so im sorry if it sucked
Siggys' suck, I don't know what to say about myself. Doopeydoo...
  





User avatar
180 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 771
Reviews: 180
Fri Nov 05, 2010 3:21 pm
Cspr says...



Huh. Well, I have a few suggestions.

1. Try to slow things down. Don't explain everything; try to show it. Get your readers' interested in one main character's life, maybe along the way or after--count this as a Prologue. "Romeo and Juliet" may have made it big, but no one really likes the MC to die--so I'd pick somebody who is alive after the mayhem starts.

2. Try to explain things in more detail, or maybe less, since you may not know how everything works. After all, the center of the earth is made of red hot magma, not dancing flames, and at 130 F your brain would, well, explode (more or less). Humans start getting brain damage at about 110 F, I believe. There also needs to be some way to anti-pressurize whats going on in the cabin, or the force of gravity would probably crush such a vehicle--or I think so, at least. Think about it, gravity is constantly pulling you towards the center of the earth. The closer you get, the greater the force.

3. I liked it, in a way it made me think of "Journey to the Center of the Earth". It was okay. But I probably wouldn't read it if I figured people were going to drop dead left and right and if it weren't more logical.

I hope that helped and sorry for being a bit harsh. Oh, and I'd suggest looking in the Writers' Tips section or whatever of the forums. You used the wrong punctuation for some things and left out a few key words.
My SPD senses are tingling.
  








gonna be honest, i dont believe in the moon
— sheyren