z

Young Writers Society


Apocalpse:What now? Prologue



User avatar
32 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1599
Reviews: 32
Thu Sep 08, 2011 8:52 pm
captaindomdude says...



Spoiler! :
I understand that this topic isn't completely original, but hopefully as the story progresses I won't inadvertantly plagerize someone else.
Prologue


The gurney wheel squeaked as it rolled down the hallway. Every time it completed a rotation it would let out an excruciating sound similar to nails on chalkboards. The cause of this sound was the body on the gurney, the weight pressing the frame of the gurney down just enough to cause the sound. This, in turn, drove the orderlies pushing the gurney to the point of desperation. The two orderlies, one actually pushing the gurney, one walking beside it, worked in the cryogenic study wing of the Jacob’s Science Hospital. After a few moments of unbearable squeaking, the orderly walking tried to drown it out, “So what’s the story with this kid?”

The orderly pushing, a tall dark skinned man, shrugged and said “His dad is one of the main funders of this place. So when his kid contracted one of those terminal diseases, something to do with his heart rotting, his dad asked the board if there was anything that could be done. The guy in charge of our wing offered one of our freezers, and the dad took him up on the offer.”

The other orderly, a shorter young blonde woman, whistled and replied “Wow, that’s terrible. There isn’t anything else that could be done?”

The man shook his head “Not that I heard. The hope is that we freeze him; keep a copy of the chart on the freezer, and eventually someone will find a way to cure him. In return, the docs get to study the effects that long term freezing has on someone of a younger age than our normal applicants.”

The two orderlies stopped the conversation as they pulled into a large room. One wall was taken up by large cylinders, with glass facing outward. The glass was frosted up, but vague human shapes were visible inside. Attached to the cyro-cylinders through a great many wires were several computers monitoring the various states of the bodies inside. Three people were already inside the room when the orderlies entered. One older man dressed in a fine suit and bowler hat, and two middle aged men in lab coats and scrubs. One of them was wearing thin rimmed glasses, and he was the one who spoke first, “Here’s your son now,” motioning to the gurney.

The man looked over at the body on the gurney and nodded, his eyes tearing up as he looked away. After a moment, he said, “I want to thank you again for giving my son a chance.”

The doctor nodded and pointed to the last cylinder in the row. The door was already open and waiting. Inside were several tubes and wires to be hooked up, and the sides were vented to allow the freezing to happen. The two doctors walked over to the cyro-chamber cylinder and motioned the orderlies over. The orderlies pushed the gurney to the chamber, and took the sheet. The body of the young man was still in his teens. His eyes were closed, and his body had a greasy looking coating on it. He had been shaved perfectly bald all over, and his face was vaguely peaceful. However, his skin was horrifically pale, and he was skinny to the point of almost being emaciated. His eyes had dark circles, and his cheeks were mildly sunken. A dark purple bruise was over his heart, the main indicator of his condition. As the two orderlies helped the teen into the chamber and hooked the various wires and tubes into him, the two doctors began going the checklist, “Cyroprotectant solution has been put on, the patient is under anesthesia, and hair has been removed to prevent crystalizing.”

After the boy was hooked up and the doctors were ready, the man asked, “Are you sure this is safe?”

The doctor with glasses turned and said, “We’ve been over this. This is already a proven science; he will stay alive until medical technology is advanced enough to deal with his condition. The chambers are hooked into powerful UV solar panels-even on the cloudiest day they produce power. And even if they are knocked out, the chambers have their own private generator hooked into the water pipes. And if that fails they also have their own private batteries guaranteed to keep them running for 15 years. And those are the fail safes to our fail safes. The glass is five-inch thick bulletproof with two inches of plastic coating, and the chambers are six-inch solid steel with an inch of cast iron cores. Trust us, nothing will go wrong.”

The doctor turned back to the computer console and began typing in instructions. After a moment, he nodded to the orderly. The orderly closed the door to the cyro-chamber, and the doctor pressed one last key. The vents glowed blue and the glass frosted up within seconds. A few more seconds, and the boy became another vague human shape on the other side of the glass.


*I actually have the next 2 chapters written, but am unable to post them until I get more of those points. When I'm able to post them, they will be seen. If you seriously can't wait, I have a link to a seperate site on my profile where you can read the chapters. Thanks for the reviews guys, glad to have them.
Last edited by captaindomdude on Fri Sep 09, 2011 1:27 am, edited 2 times in total.
"If beauty could be done without the pain, well I'd rather never see life's beauty again"-Modest Mouse.

"What lies beneath this mask is more then a man, it's an idea. And ideas are bulletproof" V, V for Vendetta.
  





User avatar
40 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1218
Reviews: 40
Thu Sep 08, 2011 10:06 pm
View Likes
Deathcurrent says...



Nice. I'm excited to read more of your story. The only comment on your writing I have is that at first you said there were only two orderlies. One pushing the gurney and the other next to it. Later you add another one from nowhere. You might want to think about having her there walking on the other side. Other than that, I can't wait to read more. Keep me updated please! :D
“Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.” -- Spock from Star Trek

"There's power in stories. That's all history is: the best tales. The ones that last. Might as well be mine."-- Varric Tethras from Dragon Age II
  





User avatar
240 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 42906
Reviews: 240
Thu Sep 08, 2011 11:14 pm
View Likes
Kaedee says...



Hello captain. Welcome to the site!

I think you have a decent start here; I don't really have much to say, this being only a short prologue! The whole freezing bodies and planning to unfreeze them in the future idea isn't anything new in sci-fi works, so I wasn't so excited when I read this. Hopefully, other unique parts about the plot/story will start to come out in the first chapter.

I wish you could have added some more emotion to this, though, and made it more dramatic. What's going on here is pretty big deal, yes? The first freezing of a child/teenager should definitely be very intense for all the characters in the story, especially for the dad. Describe how everyone feels more. What other thoughts or worries are running through the father's head when he sees his son in poor condition being locked away? Does he maybe start to regret his choice right afterwards?

I hope I helped. Good luck with your story! If you have any questions, send me a PM or leave a message on my wall anytime.

-Kae
Perfect things in life aren't things.
Spoiler! :
*_______*
  





User avatar
46 Reviews



Gender: None specified
Points: 908
Reviews: 46
Tue Sep 13, 2011 5:14 am
View Likes
SteppinRazor says...



Oh my damn! This is wicked!Reminds me of a "The Fifth Element' sort of feel, nonetheless I love it already! It's already captivating and even if it's been done before, if you think about it most stories have all been done before ,but I think it's the way you write it that makes it unique and special and intriguing. And YOU are doing tremendous already! It was like I was there, your writing is so good and everything flows good the imagery was just off the hook.

The body of the young man was still in his teens. His eyes were closed, and his body had a greasy looking coating on it. He had been shaved perfectly bald all over, and his face was vaguely peaceful. However, his skin was horrifically pale, and he was skinny to the point of almost being emaciated. His eyes had dark circles, and his cheeks were mildly sunken. A dark purple bruise was over his heart, the main indicator of his condition
This was my favorite part, the imagery is grand! Your detail is so good! If only I could write detail like that, your very talented and I can't wait to read what the other chapter! This story is promising and has awesome potential! I loved it, maybe because I am a huge SUCKER for sci-fi and fantasy etc... If this were a movie I would be first in line to watch it! ♥

Tidal waves they rip right through me
Tears from eyes worn cold and sad
Pick me up now, I need you so bad
Down down down down
  





User avatar
129 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 914
Reviews: 129
Sat Sep 17, 2011 5:40 pm
View Likes
WaitingForLife says...



Heyou,

I figured as you were going through my work, I had to at least come here and check yours out. Frankly, I'm glad I did. No, this might not be the most original concept of all times and galaxies, but I honestly didn't care; your writing more than made up for it. The piece has a nice flow to it, and your word choices were spectacular. I'm guessing you're working that thesaurus well? Great grammar, great style, even your dialouges worked wonders (I say even dialouges, 'cause I tend to have problems with it myself). You've the right amount of detail and it's precise.

That huge block of text I just wrote? I guess it could be summed up into: wow, really neat. I'll definitely go on to read the next parts when I have the time.

I found one small thing:
the two doctors began going the checklist

You're just missing a "through" between going and the. Merely a speed-writing mistake though.

And that's it. The story has great potential, you as a writer have great potential. It's great. Out. : D
Call me crazy; I prefer 'enjoys life while one can'.
-------
The pen's mightier than the sword - especially when it's wielded by a flipmothering dragon.
-------
◥▶◀◤
  





Random avatar


Gender: Male
Points: 300
Reviews: 0
Thu Oct 13, 2011 5:42 am
View Likes
UNIversial666 says...



it's good. One of my favorite genres of book and video games are futuristic post apocalypse types
  








“If lightning is the anger of the gods, then the gods are concerned mostly about trees.”
— Lao Tzu