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The Logs Of Jeremy Edwards Ch.4



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Tue Sep 13, 2011 1:06 am
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MonoTheElderish says...



(HC: #23-423-8642-4///STKHLM

About 5 hours later it had gone quiet again. Not completely quiet though, you still had the occasional shot over the barricade at some barely seen shadow. And the occasional burst of automatic fire from somewhere in the distance. We were starting to bed down for the night. A couple a Sgt.Dreyers men were the first on watch. so me, Merrill and Kinney had decided to play a card game. Which Kinney won handily. Pretty sure the bastard cheated.

"You guys want to play another hand? I'll promise not to beat you *so* badly this time!" I gave a wry laugh.

"I'm good. I think I'm going to go and see if the newby has any ciggys."
I left and went to go find the newest member of our squad.
I found him over at our badly set up communications tent. He was talking with Emerson About our chances in the coming days.
"Right, I see what your saying but ¡Mierda!, if they cut us off... here, were really bad off."
"Yeah, I think I see what your saying. I might see if we can move over a couple blocks. That'd put us in a decent position to do support by fire for both Bison and Druid elements."
I walked in and turned to Reyes,

" Hey man, would you mind if I bummed a cig?"

"Sure, Here." He said with a smile as he offered the Small white cylinder

"Nice to see your making friends Edwards! Meet our new translator!" laughed Emerson as I fumbled with my lighter.
"Translator? I thought he was here in a strictly "See the other guys and kill them" role. Just like us. "
"Well, apparently, He's bilingual. Who knew. Which means, we now have a translator."
"At least according to command?"
"Right." As I sucked the calming smoke into my lungs I walked over and studied the map.
"We actually didn't lose all that much."
"Yeah, well, Thats because we kick ass, Captain Obvious."
"You know what I mean! We kept them within 2 klicks of the border."
"Yeah, But for how long? We didn't force them back, they withdrew, There's a big difference." "I guess." The Comms crackled loudly to life "Solomon 1-3, this is Solomon 1 Actual." "This is Solomon 1-3 Actual, send. "All Solomon elements are Oscar-Mike towards your current." "Roger that Actual. 1-3 out." Corporal Emerson turned away from the radio set. "Well, this is it boys. Grab your shit and get ready to roll with some ass for a change." We quickly stowed our gear and waited outside the comm tent until the rest of the platoon arrived.

When they finally did arrive it was a sight for sore eyes. It was a whole convoy of reenforcements.
the first five vehicles were Deegee's, a four wheeled, multipurpose, high mobility vehicle that was rumored to be in the process of being phased out in favor of a currently experimental Mag-Lev vehicle. four of them had roof mounted FN-578's, a plasma weapon normally used for suppression at medium ranges. One of them Had a canvas top and two troopers in the back covering their sectors. That was our supply truck. The next two vehicles in the line were FLAV's (*Glossary* FLAV stands for "Fast Land Attack Vehicle") a medium armored fast attack vehicle. They were armed with a twin-barreled 20mm kinetic cannon and a turret mounted missle laucher with DE-AP rounds. And the last vehicle to pull off of the MSR was a Ceegee. A Variant of the Deegee only instead of a roof mounted weapon it had a full electronic warfare suite. Damn fine Vehicle.

A trooper jumped out of the lead vehicle and jogged to where we were standing.
" I'm Captain Wright."

"Sir, what are our orders sir?"

"Your in command of the thrid vehicle."

"Yessir. Edwards, your driving. Kinney, Merrill, your riding in the cab with me. Sean, you and Reyyes are up top, your on the gun."

"Got it. Alright, gear up third squad!" Said Sean as he ran and climbed onto the roof of the vehicle.

I turned back to the captain as we geared up.

"Any idea where were going?"

"South. Were going to support elements of the 204th as part of a strike to capture the town of Karida."

"Alright then. What's the R.O.E?"

"Everything is declared hostile unless otherwise noted. So, if it moves, light it up. We don't have much time so get a move on."

"Will do."

Jimmy got out of the drivers seat of my Deegee as I walked up.

"Well, Keep your head down. Keep your comms set to Tac 4-5-2 ."

"Gotcha, See you 'round"

"Yep."
He seemed withdrawn, But at that moment I didn't notice. I was basking in the rush of adrenaline, the excitement of facing unknown territory, and the prospect of defending our land, as the propaganda posters screamed, "For the next generation!"


As we pulled out of the small bivouac that had been set up by Druid 1-6, I moved my vehicle in position while Emerson began to study the map of our destination.



After about 5 miles down the road,
"Solomon 1-1, Attention all Solomon elements, the 204th is rolling through ahead of us. Should be clear all the way but keep frosty gents. 1-1 out."

"Pff, Fat chance. I'll give it maybe another two miles before we start seeing pieces of the 204th next to the road." Said Emerson with bothering to unbury his head from the map.

"What makes you say that?" said Kinney from the passenger seat behind Emerson.
That got Emerson head out of the map. "your kidding right? Please tell me he's kidding... I'll tell you rig- shit! Edwards watch the fucking road!
I had come around a bend in the road to find a Deegee stopped right in front of us. Like five feet in front of us.
I barely had enough room to stop without crashing into the vehicle in front on me.

"This is 1-3 actual to 1-1, be advised that it appears that the entire column has halted."

"Roger that 1-3. 1-5 has just reported that there's a mound of rubble on the roadway. They are in the process of clearing it out."

"Roger that 1-1."

"Well, great. Just great." said Merril while covering his sector behind the drivers seat. "We finally get told to go fuck up the other guys and instead were sitting on a road waiting to get shwacked by one of those fucked up tanks."

"At least we aren't getting shot at just yet." Said Sean from the roof. "Hey, do we have any snacks?"

"Uhh, let me see..." Merril said as he looked through the boxes on the floor in front of him. Okay, we have a couple of C. Tort's and some Beef stew. That's it. Oh, and some "Cheese Bars."

"So no, we don't. Great. And what the fuck is a cheese bar?"

"I have no idea. We could crack one and see..."

"Nah, Sounds nasty and I don't want to have the "Dirty Dozen" while were going down the road."
After about twenty more minutes of Sean and Merril debating thier thoughts on a what a Cheese Bar was and Whether or not it'd give you diarrea, We got the go-ahead to continue.

"1-5 to all Solomon elements, We are Oscar-Mike. 1-5 Out."

"About time. I didn't get all dressed up to sit in the car listening to you two." Said Emerson with just a hint of exasperation.

We were coming up on the small city of Meltton. And were ordered to pass through the city on the way to Kalida.

"All Solomon Elements this is 1-1 Actual. We are proceeding through Meltton. Be advised the 204th took small arms fire through here."

As we moved through the city we noticed it was chewed up. There were collapsed buildings, Most of the ones still standing had bullet holes holes pocking their facades. There were bodies lying in the streets. Everyone in the town had disappeared when the 204th had rolled through. Once in a while you would catch a movement behind a window or down an alley, so you would aim at the window just in case it was a enemy crouching behind it.

At first, It was quiet. But as continued through the city we noticed people moving with us. following us from street to street.

"Shit, Did you see that!?" Said Merril Aiming out the left side of the vehicle.

"No, What're you- Sean tried to ask.

"There they are again! Ten to twenty Foot-mobiles, Left side, 50 yards."

"Their armed, do we light'em up sir?" Sean Asked Emerson.

"Let Kinney call it in first."

"Right, I'm on it." Said Kinney.

As Kinney got on the comm, The rest of us tensed up ready for what seemed a inevitable firefight.

"1-1 this is 1-3."
"1-3 go."
"We have multiple armed foot-mobiles following at our 2-5-0 and moving in a hostile manner. How copy?"

"5 by. All elements cleared hot."

"Roger that. 1-3 out"

"Well, you heard the man! Everyone pick up your sectors! Jerry, Get ready to stomp it. " Said Emerson.
"Right." I replied.


Merril and Reyyes started firing, Both scored hits and 3 bodies went down never to rise again. Sean rolled the FN over and swept the area with burning plasma fire. And 4 more went down.

And then we were past them and were out of sight. The other vehicles in the line continued to fire as they too, rolled past. You could tell when it was all over. The FLAV's cannons roared to life, taking out whatever was still left alive in the kill zone.


"1-1 to all elements, check in."

"1-5, checking in."

"this is 1-3, all good."

"1-4 were still here."

"1-2 here."

"1-6 is ok."

"1-7 is showing green across the board."

"1-8, were all good, but its getting really fucking hot in this can from all the spent brass."

"Heh. Roger that, 1-8, you go ahead and crack your lid for a couple minutes but maintain SOP."

"acknowledged 1-1."


We moved through Meltton, and after a half hour of driving through the countryside without seeing anything except the token amount of rubble and bodies one always sees.

We rose over a hill and saw the seige of Karida already taking place. Captain Wright's voice came over the comms telling us to dismount about 350 yards away from the first few buildings on the outer edge of Karida. The 204th was set up around the town and was pouring shells from their 205mm plasma cannons into it. The screeching as the shells streaked through the skies was deafening. They would explode roughly 30 feet above the ground, showering the ground with deadly heat and shrapnel. The entire town were hidden from sight in a cloud of thick black smoke. Every couple of seconds a bright purple flash would emanate from the town. Small arms fire flashed out futilely from the stricken town.

Captain Wright's voice crackled over the comm.

"All elements, this is 1-1. Stop here and dismount, we will begin clearing houses after the 204th walks their artillery in a 250 by 400 foot swath through the town to give us working room. 1-3 will be paired with 1-2. 1-4 with 1-5. 1-1 and 1-6 will provide EWAC duties while maintaining a link with command. 1-7 and 1-8 will spearhead. 1-1 out."

"Alright then. Grab your gear, might as well grab the food too. " Said Emerson as we got out of our vehicle.

"Right, I guess I can carry that." Said Merril with resignation.

As Reyyes helped Merril load up the extra pack, two men from 2nd squad walking up.
The man in command of 2nd was a model soldier. Strong, fast, and obedient. Reyyes had told me that he was also one of the best squad leaders in the entire company.

"Harry Dixon. Your Corporal Emerson? "

"Yeah, how much time do we have until we go in?"

"Around ten minutes. This man is Terry Hunter. Best pointman in the business.

"Kinney, Edwards, Merril, Fitzpatrick, and Reyyes who I'm pretty sure you already know."
Said Emerson while nodding at us respectively.

"Nice to meet you guys. And yeah, I did know Reyyes. Nice to see you again by the way."

"Yeah man, Yeah it was. Guess we'll see you around then?" Said Reyyes

"Well, Here's hoping." Said Reyyes.

As he started walking away the 204th started their barrage.
The small arms fire dropped of dramatically even while the first shells were still in the air.

We joined up with the 2nd as they started across the open area into the town. the 204th's marksmen detachment provided overwatch. We jogged into the rubble corridor made by the artillery barrage. Dixons squad took point and then, once we were inside the town, went to the right side of the street and began clearing houses while we took cover and waited for the FLAVs to come up and cover the street. While we were waiting Severaly shots rang out from the house dixon's squad had entered. Emerson keyed his comms.
"Dix, status!"

After a couple seconds Harry's voice came back over the comms.

"Two hostiles both K.I.A. House is clear. We've found several automatic weapons and a couple rocket shells. Were coming back out."

By the time 2nd squad had gotten out of the house again, the FLAVs were rolling up the street. Emerson motioned us over from the positions we had taken to cover the street.

"Alright. Sean, Your on point. Were going to clear the house next to the Harry's squad just cleared. Everyone else stack up behind him."

We got into position in front of the door. I was terrified. Not the kind of fear that freezes a person, They had worked that out of us in training. I mean the kind that makes you move faster, pick up motion better, And calls the bursts of adreneline.

Sean forced open the door and we poured through the opening. I was second in the line, me and Sean went right, Into some kind of living room. There were two small children and their mother. Other than the the room was bare. No furniture. A naked bulb hung from the ceiling. Kinney, Merril, and Emerson had gone to the left into the kitchen.
Where after a couple seconds, Emerson's voice rang out with "Clear!" There was a stairway leading to a upper portion of the house next to the door, Since the room Sean and I were in was clean, Sean yelled "Clear!" and then started up the staircase with me close behind. The Upper floor of the house was a single room, again completely empty except for a motionless form, covered from head to toe in bloody bandages. Other than that the room checked out, so I yelled "Clear!" and jogged down the stairs and out of the house behind the rest of the guys back out into the street.
Where we did it again with the next house. And the next one. And the next one. Until we had checked the entire street. Then it'd be onto the next street. And the next. Quick and clean. In theory. Everything was perfect in theory.

Sometimes we would kick a door down and the entire house would be stripped empty. Other times there would be a complete family with several generations cowering in the house.
Mostly there would be enemy combatants though, which after we killed, We would tear the entire house apart looking for any weapons of any kind.
It was rough going. In the sixth house we searched, we found a entire enemy platoon that had either blown their own heads off on the ground floor, or had committed mass suicide with a grenade in the basement.

It got worse at the intersection of Park and Hunt. Much worse. We had cleared two streets and were starting on a third. 7 and 8 were coming up the road behind us. It was a duplex so Dix's squad was stacked up with us.
Sean kicked in the door, and the house exploded. When I came to there was still dust everywhere. I tried to stand up, and couldn't. What scared me the most was that I didn't feel any pain. None what-so-ever. I thought I was fucked. I heard someone running up to me and since I had lost my rifle, I pulled my side arm. It was one of the guys from 1-7. I almost shot him. I croaked something unintelligible at him and his eyes went wide.

" Hey buddy, uh, how you doing?"
I thought, "I'm dying. This is what it feels like to die."
"Over here! I found one!"

I coughed, The blood showed up as a stark contrast to the dust around me. The fellow soldier noticed it. It was impossible not to.

"Ok, Hold still. No, Don't try to get up you stay right where you are. Corpsman! I need a corpsman over here!"

Several other figures made their way through the dust towards us. I kept hoping to see someone I knew, either from my own squad or from Harry's, But the figures materialized into men I had never seen before.

"How many other men were you with?" Asked one.

I could barely whisper the answer. "Eleven."

Another man knelt down next to me. "Alright, give him some room. Where does it hurt Soldier?"

"It doesn't."

Everybody around me except the Corpsman himself exchanged significant glances. The Coprsman just looked more determined.

"Alright, were going to lift you out, let me know if it hurts."

They started to lift me out of the rubble. Then the pain came. Such pain, indescribable anguish. Luckily I didn't have to endure it very long.
As my world faded I heard the corpsman ask something but I couldn't Make it out.
I did make out, "Oh bloody hell, he just passed out."
Last edited by MonoTheElderish on Sat Nov 05, 2011 5:13 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Wed Sep 14, 2011 11:02 pm
MonoTheElderish says...



If it doesn't make any sense I Really recommend reading the first chapters
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Fri Sep 16, 2011 2:17 am
Rosendorn says...



Heya.

First thing I noticed here was a missing cap after a period (A couple a Sgt.Dreyers men were the first on watch. so me, Merrill and Kinney had decided to play a card game.) and the use of "*so*" instead of proper italics tags. To do italics, just use the part in square brackets:

Code: Select all
[i]<- Start italics. [/i] <- end italics


So it ends up looking like this:

<- Start italics. <- end italics

Onto the actual content.

I found your tags were a bit off. My rule of thumb is to keep everything that one person is saying with their own actions, and not to mix one person moving and another person speaking in the same paragraph. So parts like this:

"You guys want to play another hand? I'll promise not to beat you *so* badly this time!" I gave a wry laugh.

"I'm good. I think I'm going to go and see if the newby has any ciggys." I left and went to go find the newest member of our squad.


End up looking like it's the same person speaking twice, which can be fixed by dropping the "I gave a wry laugh" to the next paragraph and having it in front of the dialogue.

Reading a bit farther down, you also have a case of talking heads, which means there's a lot of dialogue but not much description to go along with it. While this is chapter 4, it's still pretty early in the story. From reading just this part, there seems to be some situation changes that would be nice for the reader to get some description for. By adding in some tags (stuff like what the characters do, what's going on/what they're noticing, and their tone of voice) you could richen the prose so much that readers would be more inclined to keep going.

I do like your dialogue and I find your character conflicts promising. But without really being able to see the world around me, I found myself getting bored. Get some more description in, and get rid of those talking heads, to help that out.

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  





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Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:09 pm
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MonoTheElderish says...



Thank you SO much for the review! I edited a bit but I'm going to re-edit again when I have the time! Have you read the first chapters or is this the first you've read?
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