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Apocalypse: what now? Chapter 3 part 2



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Thu Sep 15, 2011 2:38 am
captaindomdude says...



Spoiler! :
Whoo, Thanks so much to Deathcurrent for donating the points I needed


Chapter 3 Part 2

Markus hurried the rest of the way down the hallway, the dark emptiness becoming ever more noticeable. He made his way down to the last door on the right and turned the knob, surprised at the idea that not all doors were automated. Inside at the room was just as G.R.A.N described it. Large black coated blocks of processors and hard drives were built around thick tubes. The wall at the end of the room held a massive monitor, which portrayed long data codes across it. Most of the walls were taken up by the hardware as well. The middle of the room held a massive tank, to which all the tubes surrounded by hardware led to. The tank had a large solid looking metal base with a multitude of vents interspaced in it.
Soon after he stepped inside, the silence was interrupted by G.R.A.N’s voice, which was barely discernable through the static.
“Alright dearie, what you need to do now is head to the base of the main tank. There will be another sliding panel on the side opposite of you. You won’t be able to access the canister filter immediately like with the cyro-chamber. There will be a large conditioner between you and the filter. However it should pull out fairly easily, allowing you to access the dead canister. Simply replace that one with the one you’ve got and it should fix my cooler system.”
Her voice cut out once more, and Markus felt a little overwhelmed at the task. He shook his head to clear his mind, thinking that she wouldn’t have him do it if she didn’t think he was capable. He made his way to the other side of the tank, and just as she said, there was another panel separated from the rest of the frame. Setting the cold canister down, he placed his hands against the panel and pushed. He nearly fell over with how easy it slid. Apparently this section of the facility had been fairly protected from the ravages of time and neglect. Inside the base were two masses of wires and hoses, with one hanging from the top and the other running along the bottom. Behind them was a massive grey block with hoses connected to it and vents imbedded in it. Confused on what it looked like, he called out.
"G.R.A.N, is this thing with the hoses the Conditioner?"
He waited for a moment, waiting for her response. A minute passed, then two. He called out again, "G.R.A.N?"
Again there was no answer. 'Am I alone? Was I too late...No, I won't let her die because of me'. With renewed determination, Markus reached inside and unscrewed what hoses he could see, then gripped the edges of the block and pulled backwards. He strained with the effort; the block was much heavier than anything he’d lifted so far. After stopping twice to rest, he managed to pull the conditioner out, and had to move backwards to let it slam on the floor. Breathing heavily, he slid it to the side and peered into the base of the tank. At the very center was a lifeless blue canister similar in size to the one he brought. Markus sighed and stuck his body inside the base of the tank, having to reach the very center of it to work on the canisters. He made his way around it, unscrewing each hose, then lifted the lukewarm canister out of the base and throwing it to the side.
That done, he grabbed the one he brought and, attempting to avoid contact with its metal, stuck it in and attached the hoses. He heard a slight rumble as the machine returned to life, sending cool air into the tank and making the coolant return to proper temperature. He brought his body out and slid the conditioner back over to the opening. With a gasp of effort, he lifted it just enough to get it in and stuck the heavy conditioner inside. Pushing it back to its spot was easier than getting it out, and soon he had it in place and the hoses reattached. Sliding the panel shut, he collapsed against the side of the base and sat there, breathing heavily and sweating. He heard G.R.A.N’s voice with noticeable less static as he lay there.
“Oh thank you dearie, you’ve worked so much for me. I’m sorry to make you go through all that effort, but I really didn’t have any choice. Now that my cooler is running more or less, I can reactivate some more of my systems and see what that alert I received earlier was about.” Her voice paused for a second as she worked in silence. Markus, tired of the heat in the room, stood up and started making his way out. As he reached the door, he heard G.R.A.N’s voice come on again.
“It seems that the lobby doors opened. The security cameras are showing there are people.” Her voice was interrupted by a new one, a smooth sounding man’s voice from behind him, “Now what have we here?” Markus tried to turn around, but a sharp object slammed into his neck, not enough to pierce the skin, but enough to hurt. A powerful electric shock ran through his body, and he shook for a few seconds before falling to the floor. He slammed to the ground and laid there, his vision slowly getting blurry. He laid there, his body twitching from the shock, unable to get up. Dirty, dust covered black boots stepped in front of him and the man knelt down. He was wearing a long black coat with a patch on his shoulder of a lion in front of a cross, black pants, gloves, and a small black earpiece. The man had an unshaven beard and long unkempt hair. In his hand was a long black stick with two sharp ends, still glowing from the shock given. The man grabbed Markus’ face and looked into it, checking for consciousness. Letting go, he touched his earpiece and said, “Erick? This is Mason, I’ve got the kid down but he’s still awake. Want me to knock him out?”

He paused for a moment, and then sighed and said, “I really am sorry about this; you seem like a nice kid, not likely to hurt anyone.”

Before Markus had time to respond, the man gripped the pronged stick and shoved the ends in his chest. Markus screamed in pain as the shocks went through his body, then his vision blurred and grew dark. The last thing he saw was the man's boots stand up and walk out of sight before his eyes closed and he lost consciousness.
Last edited by captaindomdude on Fri Sep 23, 2011 11:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If beauty could be done without the pain, well I'd rather never see life's beauty again"-Modest Mouse.

"What lies beneath this mask is more then a man, it's an idea. And ideas are bulletproof" V, V for Vendetta.
  





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Thu Sep 15, 2011 8:24 pm
roostangarar says...



Again, very good. Just as I've come to expect! It was pretty short compared to the rest of your work so far, but I suppose that's just due to it being part two of a chapter. I couldn't find any grammatical or spelling errors, so kudos, and the plot flowed along as per usual. Your descriptions are very clear, but I think you may want to explore Markus as a character a little more. How was he feeling as this happened? Scraed at being left alone? Curious about what has changed in a hundred years? He still seems quite shallow to me to be honest, but that's just a suggestion.
Finally, your ending is very weak. It really let down the story as a whole. When I read it, I just thought, "My, that was disappointing", so please change it, as it's quite cliched. Oh, and it needs a full stop at the end.
Overal though, another great piece of work. Keep it up!
I hae but ane gallant son, and if he were to follow me in my footsteps, how proud I shall be.

Time isn't a straight line. It's a big ball of wibbly wobbly timey wimey stuff
  








The bigger the issue, the smaller you write. Remember that. You don’t write about the horrors of war. No. You write about a kid’s burnt socks lying on the road. You pick the smallest manageable part of the big thing, and you work off the resonance.
— Richard Price