Young Writers Society

Friday, July 31st 2106

They came without warning. They always did. The distant, high-pitched whine of their wings riding upon the air was all the notice you would ever receive before it was too late. It wasn’t enough time to awake if you were sleeping. It wasn’t enough time to warn your loved ones. It wasn’t enough time to arm yourself, and it certainly wasn’t enough time to escape.

Looking into the burnt sky, on the edges of the horizon, you might see the small lights growing brighter and brighter as they moved closer and closer. Then the fighters would loose hell, raining down their masters’ hatred, scorn and malice upon you as the barbed silver-blue darts opened fire. If you were lucky enough for the bolts to miss, then after recovering from the blinding light of their weapons and the eardrum-crushing bass of their engines as they passed over, all you would be met by would be the acrid stench of burning flesh and clothing. They always attacked humans who were out in the open.

The squadron would move away, if you were very lucky, with a single pass. They only needed one… usually.

The family was not lucky today.

Returning to camp after their successful hunt, Amelia and her husband, Fred viewed the carnage that now lay before them. The circle of tents and carts that they had left only hours ago were now strewn across a dozen blackened craters. The canvas smouldering and wood cracked, embers still glinting in the wake of the recent attack. The rest of their party stood unbelieving, or fell to their knees in despair as they gazed down at all that was left in the field. All that they had and all that they’d lost.

Jude was the first to reach what was once the camp, the carbonised grass crunching beneath his boots as he rushed from one end to the other, his eyes scanning the scene, searching in desperation for survivors. In particular, one survivor.
“Simone? Honey?!”
He pulled back the disintegrating fold of another tent to find more bodies, Nathan and Petra this time. God, they were a mess. Jude looked quickly to Amelia; she was still on the other side of the camp. Covering them back up with the canvas, Jude sighed; she shouldn’t be allowed to see her parents’ bodies like this. As Jude stood up again, something caught his eye, protruding from under a nearby tent. It was the morning’s sunlight reflecting off of a ring, still attached to a bloodied hand; a silver diamond ring, Simone’s ring. Jude felt sick as he pulled back the sheet, gently brushing the hair away from his wife’s burnt cheeks. As his silent tears trickled down the ugly white blotches seared onto Simone’s face, frustration swelled inside Jude. What did those monsters get from murdering his wife? What did the family do to provoke this? He could only be grateful his daughter, Idris had been with him when this happened. She was a strong young woman, so much like her mother. She would have to be stronger than ever now.

The final tent to be searched provoked not heart-break within Jude as had the discovery of his wife, but utter fury at what lay broken within. As Amelia and Fred approached him with some speed, Jude swallowed. He didn’t know how he was supposed to tell them. He couldn’t know! He was never any good with words at the best of times, let alone in situations like this. Wiping the last few tears from his smoke-blasted face, Jude stood to face them.
“I- I don’t know how they could have found us… how?” He started, badly. They were not the best words to prepare Amelia and Fred for what lay in the remains of the tent behind him, but Jude could think of nothing but questions. It seemed Amelia knew what he had found though, as she asked, her whole body shaking,
“Where are they? Where are my children?”
Jude looked down, “Josh is fine, he- he’s ok, he’s safe.”
“What have you found?” Gripping his wife’s hand, Fred had to fight to keep some semblance of control in his voice.
“Carly’s gone. I can’t find her or Sam-”
“I couldn’t care less about that boy!” Amelia snapped at the mention of her daughter’s boyfriend, “Where’s Ben? Where’s my baby?”
Jude looked mournfully behind him. Pushing him out of her way, Amelia knelt by the canvas shroud on the ground, opened it, and screamed.

I really like this work, HereBeMonsters. Though I'm a bit confused in the fact that I don't know who some of your characters are. I've been told this same thing. You should give more description so your readers are not confused as I was. I did find a grammar mistake, and being who I am, I feel the need to correct you. "The family were not lucky today." See, 'the family' is singular, therefore, 'were' would not work in this sentence. 'Was' would be the correct word here. Other than this, I believe that you have done a very excellent job. And I cannot wait to read the next part of your work. Well done.

I like the way you wrote it, it was professional, and the way you portray the idea makes it sound original. I didn't find any other grammar errors besides the one already mentioned. The only issue I have is the length, you told us that the chapter sizes are going to be a little random, and I understand that. I don't think that there was enough here really draw me in the story. Hopefully your next part will be better.

I'm not so sure about this. Particularly the intro. With such a heart-throbbing mind-twisting premise I would prefer to see action from the get go. Come in to this harder, hit the ground running and so on. Because as it stands you haven't made the most of the 'dystopian thriller' premise/story you seem to have set up. It also jumps from a little ham-handedly from these things in the sky to the family. You need a smooth nexus because as it stands it's jarring.

I think you should build up tension. Talk about the things in the sky and the fear. Have a killing scene but make the characters inconsequential. Little back story just random people dying to exhibit the randomness of the attacks and the brute. You can lace the families characters and back stories in after you have us hooked. I don't know, it's definitely missing something.

Hope this helps,
if you have any questions feel free to PM me.

Hi everybody and thanks for all of your comments.
Concerning the matter of it being a bit too jarring, with the characters having little or no explanation or characterisation, there is a very, very good reason that I have done this which will make sense by part two, I promise.