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Young Writers Society


The coming fire



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Wed Sep 21, 2011 5:57 am
Nate9999 says...



Chapter 1: The ambush
File 82_21_35_5112
Subject Number ID: 214-325-8232
Examiner note: Subject 214-325-8232 shows predictable brain activity for a man that was just heavily drugged,then had his memory erased, however I have a slight feeling he knows something hes not telling me. I rocomend a second memory wipe, just so we can be sure that he doesn't turn out like subject 124-521-5134.
---Subject information--
Name: Adam L. Franklin
Age:24
Current training schedule
8:00 (AM) - 9:00 (AM)-- Basic exercise (Gym 2)
9:10 (AM) - 10:00 (AM)-Flying simulators (CPU room 34)
10:10 (AM) - 11:00 (AM)- Firearm training (Weapon ranger 3)
11:10 (AM) - 12:00 (PM)- Lunch (Mess hall 2)
12:10 (PM) - 1:00 PM- Military tactic training (VR room 3)
1:10 (PM)- 2:00 (PM) Basic to advanced programing (CPU room 22)
2:10PM) - 4:00 (PM) --Note-- Subjects from the specified times may either consult with other subjects or go back to previous courses and practice what they did that day how ever they can have this time replaced with another course if they appear to be planning either an escape or other actions involving violence, escape, etc
4:10 (PM) - 6:00 (PM) Vigorous exercise (Gym 3)
6:10 (PM) - 7:00 (PM) Dinner (Mess hall 2)
7:00 (PM) - 9:00 (PM) Reading (Library 4)
9:00 (PM) - 7:30 (AM) Sleep
--repeat daily---
"Every house should have cameras, just so people don't do any of this shit" Paul Dereks said while painting over the large spray painted graphite of what appeared to be "JJ" on his garage door. "Ya' know you could put up cameras yourself and I don't know have the video being saved on like a hard drive or something, so you could bring the video to the police and they could get this 'JJ' person" Brandon Gorden said while assisting in painting over the 'JJ' with egg shell white paint. "Were's Brook? she said she'd come out and help in 5 minutes, 10 minutes ago" Brandon asked. "Probably on her new laptop, She wanted a good computer for gaming, so for her birthday I got her one from a company that only makes gaming PCs" Paul answered stepping back to see how much the two of them still needed to paint over. The 'JJ' was surrounded by a large assortment of random colors and designs so far they painted over about half of it. Just then Paul and Brandon heard the front door open somewhere on his right just past the garage. The house Paul and Brook lived in was just a white 2 story house in Vero Beach Florida. Brook originally was from England but met Paul while working as a cashier at a coffee shop. "Brook, you mind helping out instead of playing games?" Brandon asked. There was no response. Seconds later a man in a suit came around the corner on the stone path leading to the drive way. "Come with me" the man said holding pointing a pistol "Drop the brushes and follow me, now.". Paul and Brandon followed the man. He walked with them down the road. "Whats going on? wheres Brook?" Paul asked nervous for Brook's and his own life. "Everything will be explained when we get to the safe house." the man said. When they reached a van the man knocked on the door. 2 knocks with a 3 second delay in between them then 4 knock as fast as he could. The van's door slid open and a man with a graying hair and a also graying goatee opened looked out at them. "Get in, if you value your lives" the man said. Brandon, Paul and the suited man stepped into the van in that order. The man in the suit looked at least 30 while the man with the graying hair looked 50 maybe 60. The older man had wrinkles all over his face, he looked sleep deprived. He held a pistol, wore a long olive green jacket with a white shirt underneath with jeans and hiking boots. He looked like a veteran of war. he wore a dark black glove on his right arm. In the van there were 3 rows of seats counting the driver and passenger seat, every row but the front could fit 3 people. Brook was in the very back unconscious with her hands tied behind her back. "Who are you? what do you want with us?" Brandon asked sitting down in the one of the second row seats while Paul took the back with the man in the suit and Brook. "We are here to save you." The older man said. "From what" Paul asked. "What would you say if I told you Humanity's first contact could end up being its last?" the man in the suit said. "I'd ask what fucking mental illness you had." Brandon stated. "What if I told you we were from 30 years from now, also what if I told you Humanity would be doomed if you 3 didn't survive the first strike?" the older man said. none of them had noticed the 2 men in the front of the van, had begun driving. "I'd say you better go back to what ever mental hospital you came from." Brandon said before Paul could answer. "What if I gave you both proof?" the older man asked. Everyone went silent. The older man simply brought up his glove covered hand and removed the glove, beneath the glove was a robotic hand. He moved the robotic hand's fingers like it was a normal hand. "Take a good long look" he said "this is the product of alien tech mixed with Human tech, well also a large explosion. What you are looking at now is the human part, the basic prosthetic robot hand, but watch this.". The robot hand reformed itself pulling in the fingers. a giving it self a whole knew appearance, a small 1 inch by 1 inch screen was uncovered showing the number 100. "yep, energy cannon, built right into my arm. impressive ain't it? It takes little chips about the size and shape of a computer chip. I get one hundred incredibly powerful shots. If I overcharge them I get about 20." the older man ejected the chip from his upper forearm. and showed them the light blue glowing chip. Then he re-inserted it in his arm and put the glove back on. Before anyone was able to speak, the van swerved off the road as a loud explosion was heard outside. The van was on it's side in a ditch just to the side of a paved road still in the urban area in Vero. 3 men stood outside the van. waiting for any sign of life. Nothing moved. The men grew impatient. They all unloaded what ever rounds or shells they had into the van. Then one of them stepped up to the driver side door. He opened it. No one dead or alive was in the van. The van's passenger had snuck off some how? The men each split up. There were 8 of them so they split up into groups of 2. The van had crashed in a ditch next to a very thick patch of trees on the side of the road. Paul awoke with minor wounds, He was on a brown leather sofa in a random house, he saw the older man leading a family that in inhabited the house into the basement when they were down he locked the door from the outside. Paul sat up he saw. Brandon still knocked out laying on the smooth wooden floor. Brook was on a smaller 2 seat couch against a window on Paul's left. The suited man stood leaning against a wall. "you're up good. Let me explain whats happened and going to happen"
  





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Wed Sep 21, 2011 11:28 am
Noelle says...



Hi there!

This is a really good start. I'll tell you, I was drawn in from the very beginning, wanting to know what was going to happen next. You did a good job with your dialouge, keeping it real and believable. I am a bit confused about the schedule at the top. Is that for some kind of prison? Or an institution? You should probably explain that because right now, the reader doesn't know what it is.

A couple of comments: the paragraph should really be broken up. It's very long and my eyes seemed to get lost in it a couple of times. Remember, when you're writing dialouge, you have to start a new line. That way it's very easy to tell who's talking at what time. Also, there were a couple of places where I thought you should've started a new paragraph, but since this is your piece I'm not going to intrude and suggest something. I do suggest that you look over the paragraph and break it up. It'll be easier to read that way.

Overall I really enjoyed this. PM me or post on my wall when you have more chapters up. Keep writing! :)
Noelle is the name, reviewing and writing cliffhangers is the game.

Writer of fantasy, action/adventure, and magic. Huzzah!

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Sun Sep 25, 2011 3:59 pm
wonderland says...



Alright, so, this was difficult to read, and I realized I couldn't. This is because you need to take that huge block of words you have and separate it into paragraphs, with a new paragraph with dialogue. For example, this
"Every house should have cameras, just so people don't do any of this shit" Paul Dereks said while painting over the large spray painted graphite of what appeared to be "JJ" on his garage door. "Ya' know you could put up cameras yourself and I don't know have the video being saved on like a hard drive or something, so you could bring the video to the police and they could get this 'JJ' person" Brandon Gorden said while assisting in painting over the 'JJ' with egg shell white paint. "Were's Brook? she said she'd come out and help in 5 minutes, 10 minutes ago" Brandon asked. "Probably on her new laptop, She wanted a good computer for gaming, so for her birthday I got her one from a company that only makes gaming PCs" Paul answered stepping back to see how much the two of them still needed to paint over. The 'JJ' was surrounded by a large assortment of random colors and designs so far they painted over about half of it. Just then Paul and Brandon heard the front door open somewhere on his right just past the garage. The house Paul and Brook lived in was just a white 2 story house in Vero Beach Florida.

Would become this-
"Every house should have cameras, just so people don't do any of this shit" Paul Derek’s said while painting over the large spray painted graphite of what appeared to be "JJ" on his garage door.
"Ya' know you could put up cameras yourself and I don't know have the video being saved on like a hard drive or something, so you could bring the video to the police and they could get this 'JJ' person" Brandon Gorden said while assisting in painting over the 'JJ' with egg shell white paint.
"Where's Brook? She said she'd come out and help in five minutes, five minutes ago" Brandon asked.
"Probably on her new laptop, She wanted a good computer for gaming, so for her birthday I got her one from a company that only makes gaming PCs" Paul answered(comma) stepping back to see how much the two of them still needed to paint over. The 'JJ' was surrounded by a large assortment of random colors and designs so far they painted over about half of it.
Just then Paul and Brandon heard the front door open somewhere on his right just past the garage. The house Paul and Brook lived in was just a white two story house in Vero Beach Florida.

Also, go over your grammar rules, for where you need apostrophes and commas. ‘Dereks’ would become ‘Derek’s’, as I corrected up there. You should also give back ground and description with the characters and setting. Play with the readers mind a bit. I want to really feel the early evening breeze, or see the sun set in the distance.
One more thing, concerning your numbers. In literary works, if the number is under one hundred, the word is written out. So, 5 would become five, 10 would become ten and 2 would become two, as I corrected up there.

Keep writing
~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*
  








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