Young Writers Society

She lay in a pool of liquid that beamed a light lavender glow. Connected to tubes of all sorts and sizes; her eyes remained closed. She wasn’t human—no far from it. Being a bio-android in the making sure did take a long while to complete. She remained motionless for quite some time now—almost about six years. Collecting what needed to be collected was a hard task to complete. Lying motionless is all Lavender could do. Lie and wait for her masters to complete her.

One such master stood outside the room, looking in at Lavender; a huge glass window between them. Laying a hand on the glass, she sighed as she stared at Lavender’s perfect bare form lying in the pool of liquid. Her black hair at medium length rounded her face perfectly and she stood at about four feet eight inches tall and could easily be mistaken for a young child. But this was far from the truth. Fae Ling, the leader of the Chinese pirates, was a strong willed young lady at the age of twenty-three. She wore a traditional red Chinese dress to signify her authority over the rest of the crew—and other pirates.
“Soon, Lavender, I promise you that you’ll awake.” Fae Ling whispered quietly, leaning in on the glass and stroking it with a finger. She sighed heavily. “Six years has been too long.”

Fae Ling inherited the leadership from her sister—who rightfully stepped down to give Fae the title when Fae was only twenty. Why? Well Fae took it by force, of course. She needed to show the universe what she was capable of. The power she could create. The ones who opposed her—you wouldn’t want to know what happened to them.
Footsteps echoed throughout the huge dark room. It didn’t cause Fae any alarm as she did not acknowledge anyone’s approach—until he bowed and spoke.
“L-Lady Fae Ling,” he stammered.
Fae sighed, giving the man no eye contact and keeping her gaze on Lavender. “What is it?” She asked coldly.
“I’m terribly sorry, milady, but—”
“Out with it all ready!”
“H-he escaped.”
“Who?”
The man backed away and trembled. “R-Ramos, milady. He seems to have taken Hanako with him as well.”
“WHAT!” Fae bellowed, her voice rattling the glass beside her. She turned and her magenta eyes flared with anger. “How did you allow this to happen!”
“We—we tried to stop them… but he’s taken down half –if not more of your soldiers.”
“Take me to them!”

The soldier nodded as he led the way to the carnage that awaited them. Twists and turns of hallways and laboratories passed them. Coming to an elevator, they stepped inside—the window behind them showing the vast emptiness of space. Fae Ling was the Admiral on The Wei Fu: “The Powerful Lotus;” the most powerful vessel in the universe—well, in her opinion, anyway. The elevator stopped, opened with a swish and at Fae’s feet was pieces of soldiers covering the floor. She looked up and saw others splattered against the walls and windows. Her arms dropped from their crossed position and her mouth slid open in utter—surprise. Who wouldn’t be utterly surprised at the gore—intestines splurged out, fingers and hands scattering the floor in their bloody mess. The scene was completely disgusting—to a normal person that is. Fae, well she was sort of special. A corrupted smile curled from ear to ear.
“Where is Doctor Li?”
“She’s in her office.”

Fae Ling walked down the hallway, not even caring about stepping in the blood and gore as she stepped on an eyeball, squishing it without even noticing. Around them where rooms where their “subjects” stayed; windows, like the one showing Lavender; allowed Doctor Li to check up on them momentarily, or when needed. One said room, Fae stopped just for a brief moment to look in. One of the Doctor’s assistants lay in pieces on its floor, her blood and gore splattered everywhere; the door wide open. She sighed, remembering where her love slept—if only briefly. She continued a ways down, trying to push him out of her mind. Stopping at a grand circular door, she pressed a button on its panel, which was covered in blood on the wall and the door opened. Dr. Li sat at her desk, hands covering her face. Her white coat, stained red—she was trembling.
“What did we create?” She whispered.
“Doctor,” Fae spoke coldly. “I thought you removed everything in Ramos’s mind to create the perfect man for me? One who would obey my every order—one who wouldn’t betray me like this.”
“Lady Fae,” Doctor Li stood up quickly and gave a bow. “We thought we did as well, honestly.”
“So some of his memory still remains?”
“It appears so, milady. Please forgive me for missing it.”
Fae Ling sighed heavily and stared coldly at the Doctor—who in turn stepped back in fear for her life. Fae walked over to her desk and sat on top of it, setting a leg over the other and tapping her foot in the air.
“You know, I’m only willing to spare your life because you’re the only one who can help me with Lavender. However,” Fae paused and checked her nails. “If I do not get Ramos back, I will kill you.”
“Y-yes, milady, understood,” Doctor Li nodded her head and bowed. “I-I thank you for your mercy, you are most honourable.”
“Don’t thank me yet, Doctor.”

Fae Ling jumped off the desk and gave Doctor Li a sinister smile before turning to the soldier. She walked toward him and stopped at the door next to him.
“Be a dear and get some help and clean up this mess. It seems that my love wants to play a game with me and I have to go find him.”
The soldier saluted and ran off to do his duty. Fae fingered the door and turned around to face the Doctor once more. Doctor Li stared back behind her blood splattered glasses, trying to hide her fear—but Fae knew, of course she knew of the fear she can invoke into others. It was something she had—that edge she needed to compensate for her small height.
“Maybe giving him that arm was a bad idea,” Fae said softly. “Do you think so, Doctor?”
Doctor Li paused. She still met Fae’s magenta eyes with her own dark brown ones, trying to figure out the right thing to say. Giving Ramos the arm was in fact Fae’s brilliant idea. She needed a great body guard and who else could make the better choice than someone she loved?
“No, my lady, it was a brilliant idea.” She found herself saying. “In fact, I’m sure he will remember your kindness and come back crawling to you.”
“Do you really think so?” Fae asked as her voice perked up. She wanted that to happen so badly. Oh how she loved him so…
“I do, my lady.”
“Great!” Fae giggled. “Now, if you don’t mind, I am going to go track down my beloved Ramos. Maybe, if by chance he remembers, he’ll lead us straight to her…”
“You don’t mean the Wind Elementalist, do you?”
“Yes, of course I do. She and her wretched sister are the last of the Elementals that we need for Lavender, right?”
“I believe so,” Doctor Li nodded. “They escaped barely with their lives as well, didn’t they?”

Fae nodded her head with a sinister smile. If she got the last two of the Elementals, Lavender could awaken finally. The Universe could be in the palm of her hands and she could become the grand Empress of all. Having him at her side as her Emperor, and Lavender as the enforcer—the great and powerful bio-android with all of the powers of the universe stored inside.
“Once I have that bitch’s powers for Lavender, I will finally dispose of her and Ramos will finally be mine to keep.”
“Of course, milady.”
Fae turned to leave, that same smile plastered on her porcelain face. She needed to start quickly before the trail runs dry and make it more difficult to find him…
“By the way, I’d take a shower before you join us on the bridge.”
“Join you?”
“Yes, please do, we may need your help finding him.”
“Of course,” she answered quietly.
“See you in a few, Doctor,” Fae said in a sing-song voice, waving her fingers to say “bye” to Doctor Li. She left the room, in an almost skip as she hummed a song. She walked back down the bloody hallway, a happy smile on her face. She was going to find him and finally get what she deserved—the love of her life and the death of the wench in her way…

Fae Ling's name has changed to Lai Choi. A little inside about her:

Throughout history this family has been the leaders of the Jiao Pirate and only Women have had the right to be the leader. Males have been part of the pirates but only the Women have been in charge. The female that is in charge of the Jiao Pirates and becomes the leader, her original name is discarded and forgotten to be replaced by Lai Choi San in honour of the most powerful female Chinese pirates. Her decedents, which are the females that have the right to become the leader—they are blood related to the Great Lai Choi and family are the only ones that have that right.

Any female leader if they are ever stepped down, they don’t get to keep the name Lai Choi but they don’t get to have their old name back...

These are brainstorming notes, but I wanted to share them with you, to give an inside into Lai Choi-- or Fae Ling. So all in all, no one actually knows what had happened with Lai Choi's sister, who was in charge before her... was she killed? Or shunned and banished?

Hi, HereBeMonsters here and I'll be your reviewer for today.

She wasn’t human—no far from it.

Did you mean 'She wasn't human- far from it'? It's just that I'm not sure what the 'no' is there for.

She remained motionless for quite some time now...

I think you need to use the Past Perfect Tense here, adding a 'had' between 'she' and 'remained'.

Lying motionless is all Lavender could do.

You've gone to Present Tense here, you need to change 'is' to 'was'.

Her black hair at medium length rounded her face perfectly and she stood at about four feet eight inches tall and could easily be mistaken for a young child.

You need to break up this sentence a bit. Maybe you could get rid of the 'at' between 'hair' and 'medium' and change the phrase to 'medium-length black hair'. You should also probably make a separate sentence out of 'She could easily be mistaken for a young child.'

The elevator stopped, opened with a swish and at Fae’s feet was pieces of soldiers covering the floor.

The 'was' needs to change to a 'were'.

Her arms dropped from their crossed position and her mouth slid open in utter—surprise.

What's the hyphen here for?

Fae Ling walked down the hallway, not even caring about stepping in the blood and gore as she stepped on an eyeball, squishing it without even noticing.

Maybe you could change 'stepped' here to another word, as you already have 'stepping'.

Around them where rooms where their “subjects” stayed; windows, like the one showing Lavender; allowed Doctor Li to check up on them momentarily, or when needed.

You need to use 'were' here, not 'where'. Also, I don't know if 'momentarily' is quite the right word to use here.

She continued a ways down, trying to push him out of her mind.

Not sure why the words 'a ways' are here. 'She continued down' is fine.

Stopping at a grand circular door, she pressed a button on its panel, which was covered in blood on the wall and the door opened. Dr. Li sat at her desk, hands covering her face. Her white coat, stained red—she was trembling.

The first sentence is a little too long, perhaps it could be phrased 'Stopping at a grand circular door, she pressed a button on its blood-covered panel, the door opening'.

Doctor Li stared back behind her blood splattered glasses, trying to hide her fear—but Fae knew, of course she knew of the fear she can invoke into others.

Tenses mixed up again, 'could' needs to replace 'can'.

OK, sorry about being so picky, it's just how I do things.

Anyway, onto the story.
Fai seems an intriguing character, at times both intimidating and childish, and it's interesting trying to tell her next move as she appears to be somewhat unpredictable. Other than that, there's little I know so far of her motivations other than to be Empress of the Universe, it seems. I hope the reason why she wants this will be adequately explained later as it's a bit of a cliche at the moment. With regards to your second post about the background of Fae (or Lai), why don't you just add all of that into the story itself at some point?

I hope any of what I've said is helpful.

Hey Kiki!

Well, there's certainly a lot going on here isn't there. There's a lot of really interesting stuff happening, a lot of good stuff for making a story, but its also a bit of a jumble. First off, I wonder why this is a prologue. The action at the end seems like it will flow directly into the action of the first chapter, in which case this doesn't function as a prologue. Prologues tend to be there to give information that happened significantly before (or sometimes after) the events of the story, or information for the story the reader absolutely needs before starting the story. This here is just a part of the story, and works better just as a first chapter.

She lay in a pool of liquid that beamed a light lavender glow.

This is an interesting first line. A nice image to draw a reader in. However, there are a few things that may need to be cleared up for it to work even better. First, when I read "pool" the first time I imagined a puddle but after reading on it seemed that maybe she was in some sort of tub or container filled with water. It would be good to clarify that. And second, the words "beamed" and "glow" give off very different images of the lavender light. Beam is very strong and purposeful, whereas glow is softer and more graceful you could say. So which is it?

Like I said before, there's a lot going on in this piece. Almost too much. We start off with this bio-human being created in a lab, but then jump over to the chinese pirate, then find out we're in space, then find out some other human experiment (Ramos) has run off and needs finding, and then there are Elementals too. My question is, which is the focus of the story? Which is the plot? Right now, everything is competing for the top attention of the story and its overwhelming. There just needs to be a little more order. All these things can still happen, but one of them needs to have the higher "Plot" position. Or else the reader doesn't get a sense of what the story is going to really be about.

I'm also a little confused about Fae's character. She's supposed to be this intense pirate who took her sisters power and is now running the "seas" (or whatever she runs since they're in space) but she is all concerned about having a body guard (who is also this man that she loves) and then there's this:

“Great!” Fae giggled.

I don't really imagine a pirate queen giggling. What sort of image should Fae be presenting? She can have a diverse personality like this (strong leader, and childish girl) but she should be consistent with who she presents it to. If she's speaking with someone inferior to her in her line of command then she should exude confidence and strength, it would seem, not giggling. I'm really intrigued in her character, so I'd hate to see her so wishy-washy all the time. She has the potential to be an awesome heroine type character and I'd love to see that from her.

One last note on grammar: it might benefit you to do some reading up on grammar rules. Particularly on the semicolon (;), em dash (—), and comma (,). There are a lot of occasions when one is used where the other would be more fitting, particularly with the em dashes. You seem to be a little em dash happy. There are all sorts of grammar guides on the internet, and even on YWS, so finding one wouldn't be difficult.

All in all, this is a very intriguing story and I'd love to see it cleaned up and find out where it's going. Everyone loves a good lady pirate in space, and bio-human experiments. Just work on putting some things in order and you'll be well on your way to an awesome story!

Keep writing!

-Lauren-

Thank you very much for your help, guys!~ I appreciate it <3

Lauren: Unfortunately, Lai Choi is far from the Heroine. The Wind Elementalist she spoke of, however is. Lai giggles because she is that immature twenty-three year old girl who is power hungry--which maybe her downfall.She giggled because she was happy to hear that her love, Ramos, would return to her no matter what. When a woman is in love, you'll always giggle at news that he'll come back soon, no matter what your position is--unless you're just a cold hearted person, something of which I don't want her to be toward Ramos, only love crazy. For someone who doesn't return the feeling. The em dash happy is mainly because I see it in the book that I'm reading, Mistborn, a lot... so... I apologize for that XD Also, you said something about Lai Choi (Fae Ling) ruling the seas... no, that is incorrect. The post I posted after the story was a back story on Fae and her great great great... uhg too many greats.. Grandmother, who was in fact a pirate in the 20th Century. In my revision, I explore that more. This story takes place in the year 3014(this is stated later) and the Prologue takes place about 2-4 months before Chapter One. I feel that the readers should know about Lai Choi (Fae Ling) and some of her intentions before we meet up with the Main Character. Lai--well, she's kinda crazy... maybe just a tad. Power-hungry, in love and that alone will make anyone crazy.

HereBeMonsters: It's totally fine to be picky I need you to be picky. lol! I'm in the process of adding the stuff about Lai and where her name comes from right now, actually. I didn't come up with it until after I posted it here, so I also apologize for that. I don't feel you need to know anymore than about her back story ( about the name, her sister etc) and what she plans on doing at the moment. Other things will be given in later Chapters~

Again, thank you so much guys <3 take care