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“I'd drop that if I were you, young lady. You're coming with us.”
The acrid scent of smoked flesh filled my lungs after stinging my nasal passageways.
I saw the flashing of shadows, as opposed to light, from beneath my eyelids. Tasted the warm blood dribbling from my mouth, and welcomed its moisture.
Something stirred beside me. Not quite emptiness, I thought deliriously.
If I were to come to my senses I had to focus on something small; I knew that much.
. You might want to change some words you used over again that are plain. I Really enjoyed the ending, but some parts of the story were "unclear". Splendid job there. I loved the aura of mystery. . . . Ooooh, is the boogie man Under my bed OR in my closet! O) OH MY GOD!!! (lol not the Sasquatch). Keep on writing!Not a thing was visible in this darkness, and yet somehow I knew something was wrong.
The acrid scent of smoked flesh filled my lungs after stinging my nasal passageways.
When you wake up from unconsciousness, the first thing you experience above all else is the sensation of sound traveling through your ears. A garbled, disjointed uproar that made my ears pound.
No—the pounding was my own pulse, felt at my temples. Heavy, but very much alive.
I saw the flashing of shadows, as opposed to light, from beneath my eyelids.
Tasted the warm blood dribbling from my mouth, and welcomed its moisture. I could feel my lips—shriveled up into strips of dry blisters. My own body was slicked with sweat, my limbs trembling.
I tried to force my eyes open—only to realize with an eerie sense of disorientation that they were already opened.
I saw nothing but darkness. The first thing you think—where am I?
And then out loud. “I'm alive!”
There was a crowd of people—I couldn't focus on the voices. My head was starting to get foggy. If I were to come to my senses, I had to focus on something small, I knew that much. Then, I felt it. To my left, something wet. A puddle of water perhaps. I mused over this thought. If I stretched my arm, I could feel it. I wanted to take a drink of its sweet coolness. I discovered that my fingers weren't quite broken. And yet....
I tried moving them towards my face and almost gasped in fright. I couldn't see! Not a thing was visible in this darkness, and yet somehow I knew something was wrong. Somehow I knew my body wasn't responding how I wanted it to. Was my arm not moving—and how could I not know? I was afraid to touch my own face. Afraid to move my own arm. Afraid that if I regained my sight, I would not find myself whole.
A desperate plea escaped from my parched throat. Something warm rested itself upon my forehead, brushed at my hair. Another rough and cracked palm held my lower jaw open, forced something into my mouth. My tongue wrapped itself around a pill, and without hesitation I swallowed.
I imagined myself as the pill, making its descent down a long tunnel—but my sleep never came
“My arm--” I began, I tried to move it again to no avail.
It seemed like we were in the middle of a cross-fire—a hundred ships were falling down from the sky; those at Willsboro would have seen everything, would have preyed with each fallen ship, like one would wish upon a shooting star.
I realized then, the source of that horrendous noise that was now just a background sound to all the horror—
Plenty more—more people crying in agony, festering wounds, grieving over the dead.
More crafts came crashing towards the earth—it was a thunder of sound, a storm of destruction.
He was holding me up, trying to get me over his shoulders, when all at once, his body slumped and we both fell to the ground. I felt the impact in my heart—a dreading fear. I heard the sounds of guns. It can't be...
My one arm wrapped around his neck, I buried my face in his blood
And now my uncle—
He had his gun still in his holster. My good hand picked it up. Before I could try anything, I felt a tugging pain at my scalp. Someone held me by my hair.
“I'd drop that if I were you, young lady. You're coming with us.”
Audy wrote:
1016 wordsThe acrid scent ofsmoked flesh stung mynasal passagewaysthroat,invading my lungs.I coughed violently, flinging myself up with every heaving breath.I lurched, coughing the acrid taste from my lungs I felt the sensation (?) of its sound traveling through my ears more than I heard the sound itself. It wasalla garbled, disjointed roarof noise growingwhich grew louder. I could not distinguish whether it came from inside of me, or out. My head was pounding. (Don't open successive sentences with I/me/my or any pronoun that derives from these. Unless it is deliberate, designed that way. Also try avoid using the same format for successive lines, use 'Object/verb/subject' and 'subject/verb/object.' If you use a series of short sentences. )
I saw the flashing of shadowsfrom beneath myeyelids. I tasted the warm blood dribbling from my mouth, and welcomed itsmoisture(this is a bizarre way to express your narrators thirst(?)). I could feel my lips, shriveledup into strips of dry blisters. Myownbody was slicked with sweat, my limbs trembled.
I tried toforce my eyesopen my eyes, only to realize(comma) with an eerie sense of disorientation(comma) that they were already opened.I saw nothing butDarkness.The first thing I thought,where am I? and reality snapsinto place. I'm alive.And then out loud:“I'm alive!” My voice was raspy, like a jagged knife (what does this metaphor mean? think about it, what did you want to say? I can't find the disconnect because it seems so misplaced. Take care with barren imagery, it may sound nice but it's distracting.) to the surrounding emptiness.
Something stirredThis is cliche beside me. Not quite emptiness, I thought deliriously( this doesn't make sense, because if you are delirious you may not be coherent, nor will you have the prowess to acknowledge your delirium.. There was a crowd of people. I couldn't focus on the individual voices, they seemedso far awaydistant. My head was starting to get foggy(cliché). If I were to come to my senses I had to focus on something small. That much I knew.
Audy wrote: flinging myself up with every heaving breath
Audy wrote: only to realize with an eerie sense of disorientation that they were already opened.
Audy wrote:I tried moving them towards my face and almost gasped in fright. I couldn't see! Not a thing was visible in this darkness.
Audy wrote:It can't be...
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