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Apocalypse: What now? Chapter 4 part 2



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Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:24 am
captaindomdude says...



Spoiler! :
Stupid Review day not letting me post it. I wrote this and rewrote parts of it, yet I still feel a tad nervous about it. Please don't be ungodly harsh. Also, there is some...interesting speech in this section. I know it might be a little hard to decipher, but please bear with it, I tried not to make it too bad. I did it purposely, so if you get on to me about the grammar and spelling......



Chapter 4 part 2


The group stopped on a small tiled patio outside the facility. As the group paused, Markus took the opportunity to see what the outside of the building looked like. The first thing he noticed was the air. The air felt thick and dusty as he breathed in it. It had a constant smell of pollution to it as well. There was a dimmed feeling to the outside, like not enough light was getting through. The sky was overcast, but the clouds didn’t look quite natural. They were too dark and had a vague brownish color to them. The ground between buildings was barren and empty, the carefully tended grass having died off long ago. Dirty tiled paths connected the buildings of the hospital, and a large road went from the main hospital to the gate in the walls.


The group took a short breather, and then Shelia shoved Markus forward and pulled her submachine gun from her holster. Aiming it at him, she said,

“I don’t like how that A.I talked. And now that we’re outside and she can’t do anything, I say we kill the kid. Nobody will care; he said he came out of the cyro-chambers, so he’s not one of the street rats. It’ll keep him from coming after us later.”

Mason moved towards her, sighing, “Don’t waste your ammo on him. He’s not a street rat, there’s no chance of him coming after us. He won’t last ten minutes outside of here. And now that the gates are open, someone else will deal with him once we’re gone.”

“Mason’s right. Besides, we don’t need to attract unnecessary attention with the gunshots. We need to hurry and get our AHP before any unwanted arrivals show.” Erick said as he looked at her.

Shelia stared at him for a moment, and then walked towards Markus. Keeping her gun trained on him, she reached inside her coat and pulled out the cuff key. She quickly undid the cuffs, but right as she was about to step back an unfamiliar voice called out,

“There y’are Coats, di’ya really think you could kill Wroiter and run off?”

While they had been distracted, a small group of youths had appeared and surrounded the four. They all stood outside of the patio in a horseshoe shape, facing the four people. They were all dirty, skinny, and dressed in a mismatch of rags and other items. The speaker was the one that looked the oldest; he was in the middle of the path out and holding a long barreled revolver pointed at the group. He was the only one armed with an actual weapon, the rest held large sticks and pipes. There were five of them, four boys and one girl, all various ages but the oldest looked only to be about nineteen and the youngest about twelve.

The three adults went into a triangle pattern, with Erick and Shelia at the front and Erick in the back. Erick drew his pistol, and Mason drew his long pronged stick and his other weapon, which turned out to be a black machete. The two groups stood there at a standoff, with Markus in the middle of the adult’s triangle looking confused and helpless. Seeing an opportunity, Erick rushed forward and put his gun to Markus’ head. Erick called out loudly,

“Put your weapons down and leave or I’ll start shooting.”

The older boy laughed and said, “Kill ‘im, I don’t know that bit, he ‘int one ‘o mine.”

Erick growled, and Markus knew that unless he did something, he was going to die. He exhaled, and a strange focus came over him. He remembered his teacher’s voice in his head, saying, “Breath Markus, focus your chi. See your opponent in your mind’s eye. See your attack plan and, then do it.

Remembering the martial art he practiced before his disease manifested and he couldn’t practice anymore, he ducked down and turned quickly, driving his knee into Erick’s chest, making him grunt and double over. Markus had lost a lot of muscle to his disease, but he still had enough to cause damage. Moving quickly, he took a step and lashed out with his foot, kicking Shelia in the small of her back. Surprised, she pulled the trigger of her gun as she went staggering, sending a spray of bullets towards two of the youths. All off the youths dived for cover, but her bullets caught the oldest in the chest and shoulder.

Sensing the fight behind him, Mason turned and swung his machete towards Markus. Markus saw it coming and kneelt down, sticking his leg out and turning his body as he did so. The result was very entertaining leg sweep, and Mason slammed down on his back, winded from the impact. Markus turned and stood back up in time to see Erick bring his gun to bear on him. Without skipping a beat, Markus swung his arm to the side, knocking his hand into Erick’s arm and sending it sideways, making him shoot off into the distance. Markus took his other hand and jabbed it into Erick’s neck, stunning him. Seeing an opportunity, Markus ran past him and slammed his elbow into Erick’s back before sprinting inside.

Erick stumbled a little bit, and then turned to bring his gun to bear on Markus, who was currently slipping inside the building. Erick let a few shots loose, but they slammed into the thick glass of the building, making it crack but not shatter. Snarling, Erick turned said to his two people,

“We need to go, now.”
The other two nodded, and together the three adults sprinted for the gate. The gang of youths remained hiding safely behind the planters.

A few minutes passed in silence, and then Markus stuck his head out the door to see the situation. He saw the gang of youths crowded around the oldest, staring helplessly. Markus walked forward, trying to see what the damage was. The older boy was lying in a small pool of blood from the gunshot wounds. His breathing was ragged, and his face was pale. As Markus stepped forward, the gang of youths turned and made a wall between him and the older boy. An older girl with short, dirty red hair raised her piece of pipe and said angrily in a rough accent; her words were barely distinguishable.

“Dn’t come n’y clerser. Yer’ wit te Coots.”

Markus stopped where he was, raising his hands in a peaceful gesture. A soothing tone layered his voice as he said, “No, no I’m not with those guys. They…I don’t know what they were doing, but trust me, I’m not with them.”

The girl stared at him fiercely before saying,

“Ya? Well it dn’t matt’r, he in’t yours, hes ours. We’ll not let ya grab ‘is bdy and tik ‘is own’ns.”

Markus blinked as he tried to decipher her speech. “No… I don’t want to rob him. I want to help him. There’s a place inside, my friend can take care of him, make him better.”

The girl widened her eyes in surprise as she said, “Ya ‘ave a saver? Ya cn save ‘im?”

Markus nodded in reply. The girl motioned her hands in a circle, and the gang came together. Markus heard a lot of loud, fierce whispering. After a moment, they separated and circled around the older boy. With a quick nod from the girl, the group picked up the older boy and started walking towards Markus. He watched as the carried the boy towards him. They paused in front of him and the girl waited for a second before saying, “Well? Are ya gunna ‘eal ‘im or no?”

Markus jumped in surprise before turning and walking to the door. He pulled it open, letting the group go inside, before following them. Once they were inside, he called out, “G.R.A.N, I’ve got someone here who’s been shot, he needs help. Can you help him?”

Her picture appeared on a large screen which hung over a desk in the lobby. A moment passed, and then her voice rang out,

“Dearie, I don’t like the look of these young ones, but if the boy is injured…Bring him down to that room that has the operating tables, on the floor where the cyro-chambers are.”

Her pictured winked out and the room fell silent. Markus nodded to the group, and together they walked down the hallway and into the stairwell. They had trouble carrying the boy down, and Markus had to take the position of the youngest group member, who got too tired to carry the boy any more.

Leading the group by carrying the shoulders of the older boy, Markus led them down the stairs and entered the hallway where the cyro-chambers were. The first room they encountered was the room G.R.A.N requested, the familiar yellow strip guiding them to it. They walked inside and set the boy on the first table they saw, which began to glow and whirr to life. G.R.A.N’s voice entered the room as the arms of the machine popped out.

“Alright kids, your friend has lost a lot of blood and the bullet has entered a lung, but it’s nothing I can’t handle. Now I need you all to scoot on out of here so I can work, okay?”

The gang of youths looked over at Markus questioningly. He nodded and walked out of the room. After a moment, he heard them follow him into the hallway. The door to the room hissed shut and locked, and they were left standing in the hallway. Markus stood there silently, looking at the gang. Now that there was a chance, he studied their appearance.

They were a mix-matched group, all in their early teens. Their clothes varied in small ways, but otherwise their bodies were covered with torn and dirty clothing with random pieces of sport and leather padding sowed into the outfits. Their bodies were skinny, and their skin was even dirtier than he had originally thought.

There was tan boy who had holsters and spots to hold a variety of weapons, but only one of them was filled with a long, solid looking stick. He looked to be only a year or two younger than Markus.

Next was the dark skinned boy, who was the largest of the group. The boy seemed young, but he taller than Markus and showing muscle. A large steel pipe was looped through his belt.

Finally there was a light skinned boy who had pouches and packs strapped and sowed to everything he could. This boy was the youngest of the group. He had a smaller piece of wood stuffed into the back of his shirt.

The girl was the only one with nothing outstanding other than a small silver cross that hung around her neck on a piece of string. She appeared to be the second oldest of the gang, about Markus’ age, but was a little shorter than him.

They stood staring at each other for a minute, and then awkwardly Markus asked,

“Umm, are you…hungry? We might have to wait awhile; I can go get some food for you guys.”

The girl cocked her head to the side in confusion, surprise showing on her face. After a minute, she nodded warily. Markus smiled and nodded, then turned to head up to the employee’s lounge.
"If beauty could be done without the pain, well I'd rather never see life's beauty again"-Modest Mouse.

"What lies beneath this mask is more then a man, it's an idea. And ideas are bulletproof" V, V for Vendetta.
  





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Mon Sep 26, 2011 2:24 am
joshuapaul says...



The group stopped on a small tiled patio outside the facility. As the group paused, Markus took the opportunity to see what the outside of the building looked like. The first thing he noticed was the air. The air felt thick and dusty as he breathed it in. It had a constant smell of pollution(how does pollution smell? talk about coughing it up, or the bitter after taste. show to it as well. There was a dimmed feeling to the outside, like not enough light was getting through(here you say the same thing twice. Remove either description, or amend one so it adds something.). The sky was overcast, but the clouds didn’t look quite natural. They were too dark and had a vague brownish color(you are getting lazy here, show us the colour what do they look like? dust swirling in the wind? Smog? like salt spots on a clapping sail?) to them. The ground between buildings was barren and empty, the carefully tended grass having died off long ago. Dirty tiled paths connected the buildings of the hospital, and a large road went from the main hospital to the gate in the walls.

The group took a short breather, and then Shelia shoved Markus forward and pulled her submachine gun from her holster. Aiming it at him, she said,

“I don’t like how that A.I talked. And now that we’re outside and she can’t do anything, I say we kill the kid. Nobody will care; he said he came out of the cyro-chambers, so he’s not one of the street rats. It’ll keep him from coming after us later.” ( finally some action, bravo its good. Bit of character too)

Mason moved towards her, sighing, “Don’t waste your ammo on him. He’s not a street rat, there’s no chance of him coming after us. He won’t last ten minutes outside of here. And now that the gates are open, someone else will deal with him once we’re gone.”

“Mason’s right. Besides, we don’t need to attract unnecessary attention with the gunshots. We need to hurry and get our AHP before any unwanted arrivals show.” Erick said as he looked at heeyeing her curiously.

Shelia stared at him for a moment, and then walked towards Markus. Keeping her gun trained on him, she reached inside her coat and pulled out the cuff key. She quickly undid the cuffs, but right as she was about to step back an unfamiliar voice called out,

“There y’are Coats, di’ya really think you could kill Wroiter and run off?”


Okay I will leave you hear because it really picks up from here on out, and I didn't see so many errors. I think you need to take care when writing the end and beginning of chapters. This is where you will lose most readers, when they end a chapter with a weak line, and can't be bothered to start the next. Or you open the next so weakly that they no longer care for the story. You need it to be tight. Delve straight into the action, don't take so long to set the scene. You were a little extraneous through out this chapter so tighten it up and it will be great.

JP
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