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Young Writers Society


Footprints On The Beach: Part Four



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Mon Sep 26, 2011 8:52 am
HereBeMonsters says...



Tuesday, 21st July 2106

Ten Days Earlier

The violet-blue lights of the console shimmered across Sep-Nhv’s fleshy beak as he waited. He was expecting many questions from Lyh-Jas, one of the most senior advisors on the Imperium and Earth’s present Governor due to his ‘excessive failure’. As First Superior of the Tarngiys facility, it was Sep-Nhv’s duty to track down and exterminate any last vestiges of resistance and rebellion in the human population of this sector. In many respects, it was somewhat of a dull job. The great bulk of resistance to the occupation vanished almost seventy years ago in 2037; what many humans have since come to call “The Great End”. The events of that day blasted a hole so deep in humanity’s collective memory- the tens of thousands of executions, the piles of burning bodies twenty-foot high left for all of Earth to see- that any large scale ideas of rebellion died there and then. For the past several decades, the only real thorn in Sep-Nhv’s side had been the location and elimination of former resistance members and their families, in order to ensure that all trace of rebellion in the human population will be totally extinguished. To date, only one significant loose end still existed.

Between 2065 and 2077, Nathan Yates- the son of a rebel who escaped the massacres of The Great End- was responsible for a series of raids that were in danger of seriously compromising Lyh-Jas’ authority on Earth. Stealing supply ships full of food and luxury items intended for Bemrothic nobles and distributing their contents to slave workers across the world, Nathan was seemingly the only human left who dared to defy the Bemroth. Despite all of that, however, his actions were never openly aggressive. It was only after his capture, incarceration and subsequent torture on the Pluto-Charon colony that a total hatred and lust for retaliation towards the alien conquerors began to be cultivated. Their greatest mistake was assuming that Nathan would lie down and give up, eventually, the more that they hurt him. And no hurt was more painful than when they executed his own brother before him, as punishment for Nathan’s lack of cooperation. With nothing but vengeance and violence in his mind, Nathan escaped the prison and hijacked another ship; this time filled with copious amounts of weaponry and ammunition, programming it to fly directly into the Bemroth’s main starport in the system. The massive space-station orbiting Saturn was torn to pieces, killing countless numbers of Bemroth including the Emperor’s own cousins. Nathan would later tell his family that this move was one step too far, that he let his anger overpower his common sense, for it is for this bloodshed that Nathan, his daughter Amelia and the rest of the family are now wanted.

The Governor’s grey, wrinkled features rippled into view on the screen hanging before Sep-Nhv. He was an imposing figure at the best of times, let alone when there was bad news.
“The Yates humans. Speak.” Lyh-Jas was always to the point. Sep-Nhv tried to be likewise; it was always better to make conversations with the Governor as brief as possible,
“No sign, High Master.”
“Your lead?”
“Dead, High Master.” Sep-Nhv tried not to look Lyh-Jas directly in the face. He had an eye torn out by a hylapi when he was little more than a hatchling and had refused to have it replaced. All that was left now was a black slit on the side of his face. The Governor had a habit of shooting people if they stared at it for too long.
“Did you not interrogate him?”
“That is why he died, High Master.”
Lyh-Jas spat out a quick and violent stream of expletives. Bemrothic Ssutesh was not a particularly attractive language, least of all when spoken by an ill-tempered politician.
“You are fortunate I am not currently on Earth. Your inabilities to find these Yates humans is becoming a little tiresome, First Superior.”
“High Master, they are such a tiny, insignificant group. If I may be so bold, what harm could they really do now?”
The Governor’s face twisted with rage for a brief second before replying calmly, “I will not let loose ends lie. If you do not take the appropriate action, loose ends fray, spread and ultimately entangle themselves over an even greater area.”
“Appropriate action, High Master?”
“Cut them off.” The console went dead.

Exiting the communication tower, the heavy metal door slid shut behind Sep-Nhv. As he headed for the central dome, the First Superior was deep in thought. He had not informed Lyh-Jas of a scheme that he had been preparing for some time to draw out the family; namely because it was still very much a work-in-progress and depended greatly on how reliable his insider in the family would turn out to be. Sep-Nhv had promised them much in exchange for their co-operation, and if they delivered, perhaps he would finally be able to return home. It had been over twenty years since he had seen his life-mate and hatchlings on Ulphana’s Wake. He smiled to himself; they would be all grown up now.
  





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Mon Sep 26, 2011 10:49 am
LindsayG says...



Hello Herebemonsters....will be reviewing your work today.

Okay, so first of I liked the story line and I feel you wrote it...told it so beautiful. You used exquisite language to put your point across in a very unique style. A style which I really love. But, and these are but a few buts...lolx,

One of the first things I noticed is your paragraphs tend to be really long...

Between 2065 and 2077, Nathan Yates- the son of a rebel who escaped the massacres of The Great End- was responsible for a series of raids that were in danger of seriously compromising Lyh-Jas’ authority on Earth. Stealing supply ships full of food and luxury items intended for Bemrothic nobles and distributing their contents to slave workers across the world, Nathan was seemingly the only human left who dared to defy the Bemroth. Despite all of that, however, his actions were never openly aggressive. It was only after his capture, incarceration and subsequent torture on the Pluto-Charon colony that a total hatred and lust for retaliation towards the alien conquerors began to be cultivated. Their greatest mistake was assuming that Nathan would lie down and give up, eventually, the more that they hurt him. And no hurt was more painful than when they executed his own brother before him, as punishment for Nathan’s lack of cooperation. With nothing but vengeance and violence in his mind, Nathan escaped the prison and hijacked another ship; this time filled with copious amounts of weaponry and ammunition, programming it to fly directly into the Bemroth’s main starport in the system. The massive space-station orbiting Saturn was torn to pieces, killing countless numbers of Bemroth including the Emperor’s own cousins. Nathan would later tell his family that this move was one step too far, that he let his anger overpower his common sense, for it is for this bloodshed that Nathan, his daughter Amelia and the rest of the family are now wanted.



Perhaps ypou should consider separating the sentences in a way you deem best, it wouyld make it easier to read and follow the story.


Secondly, there are but a few cliche' moments in your story or should I say this chapter....I wouldn't worry too much about that, most stories are cliche's anyway, I like to say, but only turned upside down. I guess what I'm trying to say is use the cliche' in an non-cliche' way, this way, you surprise the reader with the dialogue which is essential, because as we all know, dialogue bring stories to life.

Besides those few buts I mentioned earlier, I'd say that overall you did a fantastic job, the prose was well written and easy to decipher.

Good job.....Keep writing!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I write because there's nothing left to say...
  





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15 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1332
Reviews: 15
Mon Sep 26, 2011 11:14 am
HereBeMonsters says...



Thanks for the review! :D

Just so I know, which bits did you find a bit cliched, so I can change them?
  








Being a hero doesn't mean you're invincible. It just means that you're brave enough to stand up and do what's needed.
— Rick Riordan, The Mark of Athena