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Young Writers Society


First Light - Chapter Two



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Wed Sep 28, 2011 9:42 am
Butterfly18 says...



“Window, open,” Ela said. She rubbed her eyes after being woken by a tune tapped on the window. She checked her bracelet, and neon blue digits displayed: 0058. “It’s 1am.” She felt the drowsiness slur her exclamation. She couldn’t remember the last time Tana snuck back into the dorm this early.

Tana slipped in through the window so slick and pulled off her boots. “I was with Demant.” She climbed the small ladder to her bunk opposite Ela’s and jumped under the covers.

“Window, close,” Ela said. The shutters slid down, and the room went pitch black. “You’re going to get caught one night, Tana. You have to stop sneaking–”

“You used to sneak out with me, remember?”

Ela sank into her pillow. Years ago, she thought, biting her lip.

“You’re turning into one of them. Have you forgotten the pact we all made?” Tana asked.

It was easy to promise one night while hiding out with her friends, that she wouldn’t let the establishment control her. It’s hard to keep when she’s locked in a concrete cell alone, and the prospect of getting out, the only thing on her mind.

“Have you?”

“Good night, Tana.”

Tana huffed, “Night.”

Ela hated hearing that tone in her friend’s voice, wondering, are you still the friend I remember? Thinking back to the last time she was in a detention cell, Ela was curled up in a corner, tiny red light of a surveillance camera pulsing in the darkness. No matter how many times she obsessed over the agreement she and her friends made to each other, her decision was always the same.

She preferred obeying the orders of her superiors, than honouring the terms of a pact she made when she was twelve.

***

A siren wailed outside, and their room lit up. “SND, report to Training Sector C,” the Dorm Monitor issued orders over the intercom.

Ela jumped out of bed, dressed quickly and pulled on her boots. She swiped her hand across the sensor beneath the intercom. The door slid open, and she rushed downstairs.

Tana caught up outside. “Freakin’ 2am, and they drag us out of bed.”

“Hey,” Trix yelled, racing to catch up. “Didn’t you hear me?” He frowned at Tana’s smirk. “Were you ignoring me too, Ela?”

Ela shrugged, hiding her yawn from an instructor who roared overhead on a hoverboard.

“Get moving,” he yelled.

Ela obeyed and began jogging. Tana flipped him off once he turned and flew away.

Instructors lingered a few metres behind them with the slackers. “Move it, hurry up.”

Once they reached the gates to Training Sector C, Ela stepped up to the back of the girl’s line. Trix greeted his friends, Endon and Von, punching each of their shoulders.

“Get used to lookin’ at the back of my head, Tana,” Endon taunted.

“You keep talkin’. I’ll shut you up inside.” Tana stepped through the gate.

The gate guard held out a palm-sized tablet, and Ela pressed her thumb to it. He grabbed her shoulder and pushed her through the gate. She was stopped, another guard held a scanner over each of her eyes.

“No night vision,” he declared. A drill scout put her in a line.

Ela drew in a deep breath as her eyes climbed the eight metre tall wall looming in front of her. She hated surprise night drills, was never ready, but that was the point. Always be ready for anything.

“Don’t freak out like last time,” Tana said.

“I didn’t freak out.” Ela narrowed her eyes, remembering she’d specifically told Tana not to refer to it as a freak-out around everyone else.

“Oi, Ela,” Von called.

“What?”

“If you don’t finish in the bottom fifty this drill, I swear I’ll shave my head.”

“And if I do finish in the bottom fifty, what, I have to shave my head?”

“Yep.” Endon grinned.

“Maybe it’d toughen her up,” Trix said, and they laughed.

“Don’t over-think it, and you’ll be fine. Besides, it can be fun,” Tana said.

“Yeah,” Ela tried to smile and be proud that Tana and the others were hard-core. The lines full, guards sealed them inside the compound. Spotlights lit the eight metre wall and dozens of hanging ropes. Third in her line, and three at a time climbed one rope, she was up first.

“Ready to begin,” a drill scout shouted.

Her heart began to race, and she took deep breaths. She could do this, if only she could put the thoughts of coming last yet again, out of her mind.

An air horn sounded. The first three of each line ran up to the wall, grabbed the rope and began climbing. She pushed off the wall, pulling herself up the rope. At the top, she swung her leg over and slid down the net.

“Hurry up, Ela,” Tana shouted.

Ela joined her hands and gave Tana a boost. She stood back a few feet, jumped forward and pushed herself up the wall. Tana helped her over. On knees, they crawled through a space beneath the next wooden wall that someone had dug out. Out of breath, Ela stumbled up to the net and began climbing.

Her foot slipped through a hole, and an instructor was right on her. “Wake up. Climb faster.”

She continued, watching her footing. Panting, she tried to keep her focus and forget everyone passing and snickering at her.

“Come on, three more metres, hurry up,” the instructor yelled.

“You’re not going to look very good without hair, Ela.”

Ela heard the smirk in Endon’s tone but ignored it as he climbed ahead of her. Made it to the top, she slid down the other side. The daunting five metre stretch of monkey bars across a pool of muddy water made her palms sweat. She wiped her hands on her trousers and reached up.

“Race ya,” Trix said.

Ela kept a tight grip of each bar, and swung just enough to reach the next without slipping. A student ahead fell, stood and wiped the mud out of his eyes.

“Back to the front, move it,” an instructor ordered him.

Ela reached the end, and Trix was already onto the next obstacle.

“You know I hate being ignored.” He shuffled along a wooden plank and pushed Tana into the water.

She offered her hand, and helped Tana onto the deck. Ela let Tana slip in front of her. Tana grabbed a rope and began crawling across. Ela stepped up grabbing the rope, swung her legs around it, and hung upside down. Hands abraded against the rough grooves in the rope, the creases of her palms burning. Her left leg slipped.

An instructor flew up to her. “Faster.”

Hooking her leg back over the rope, she placed her left hand in front of her right and dragged herself across. A drop of water hit her face, and it began pouring rain. Just my luck, she cursed.

“Keep moving, you’re almost halfway,” the instructor shouted.

Halfway? The grassy bank looked so much closer than halfway from where Ela was hanging. She could see Tana waiting on the bank, waving her arms. The cold rain soothed her palms, yet made them slippery. Tightening her grip, she pulled herself along the rope. Hair sticking to her neck, the rainwater stung her eyes.

Someone fell and splashed into the water. She clenched the rope in her fists.

An instructor yelled, “Get out of the water. Up on the rope, do it again.”

First time around was hard enough, Ela didn’t want to do it again.

“Keep moving, hurry up.” The instructor still hovered beside her.

She dropped her head, looking towards the bank. It was close. Someone else fell. Keep moving, she told herself. You’re almost there. Fingers wet, they slipped as she reached for the rope, and hung on by her crossed legs.

Tana still waited for her. Ela wished she were able to keep up. Rain drenched her clothes. She reached above for the rope, the soaked fabric of her pants slipping. She drew in a breath as her legs slipped, and she hit the water.
  





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Wed Sep 28, 2011 11:26 pm
RenGrey says...



Brilliant Mate! Read it in under a minute. I just cant get over how good and entrancing your writing is. Whenever I finish reading an installment or chapter im hungry for more. And that's the sign of a great book. I love your writing so much. When i got your message about you posting a new chapter I flipped out kicked backwards outta my chair and curled up on my bed to read it. Its unbelievably lovely and makes everything seem so real. This is a world I would love to reside in. Keep at it. Never let anything or anyone EVER stop you. I love it i truly do.
Love and Admiration,
RenGrey
A Balanced Diet Is A Cookie In Each Hand
  





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Thu Sep 29, 2011 12:29 am
Butterfly18 says...



Thanks, RenGrey.

I appreciate the kind words. :)
  





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Thu Sep 29, 2011 1:01 am
FutureFamousWriter says...



Love it as always! i love the playfulness in the characters and Ela determination. Send me the next chapter as soon as possible! i want to find out who gets their head shaved! One thing i'm not sure about. With %u201C%u201CYep.%u201D Endon grinned.%u201D i don't know if there is suppose to be a comma after the yep or not.

:)
  





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Thu Sep 29, 2011 1:13 am
Butterfly18 says...



Yeah I'm not too sure about that comma either. It feels like an action tag but looks like a speech tag, so I dunno how I should use that one. Maybe if he grins while he says, yep, then I use a comma as it's a speech tag. But if he grins after he says it, then its an action tag and therefore I use a period.

I don't know. Haha.

Glad you liked this though, FutureFamourWriter.
Appreciate the time you took to read and comment.

:)
  





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Thu Sep 29, 2011 10:21 pm
Island6 says...



Awesome second chapter! I love Ela's determination, even though its hard.
I can't really see anything wrong with this one that I didn't point out before. Great job! :]
<3
  





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Thu Sep 29, 2011 11:30 pm
Butterfly18 says...



Thanks.

Glad you liked it. And I'm still working on injecting some more of the emotions without making it sounds like informative exposition. Haha.

:)
  





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Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:22 am
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phoenixwriter says...



Oh my goodness. This chapter would be an ultimate masterpiece if you changed a few things.

Most of the story's fine, except a few small tweaks might be needed.

Question: Why does Ela feel obliged to shave her head if she finishes in the last 50? Is is a matter of pride? Is it against regulation to shave her head?
Just wondering.

At first, a few grammatical errors at the beginning, but I can't go in depth. After all, I'm typing this from a Best Buy computer. Long story.

Another question: what is this training session for?
How do those instructors "fly over?" Do they go on hover vehicles?
Why did Ela get in trouble last time?
Why is Ela glad to have tough friends?
Does she consider that "if you don't finish late, I'll shave my head" person a friend?

Sorry. I might not have caught everything, but this is just a quick overview.

But you do great characterization here, and I can see Ela's personality a little more clearly. Tana is also an intriguing individual. This is moving along great! Keep it up, and let me know when the next installment comes up!
"Which came first? The Phoenix or the flame?"

-H.P. Deathly Hallows
  





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Sat Oct 01, 2011 1:51 am
Butterfly18 says...



Oh wow, some great stuff here, phoenixwriter. Thanks a million.
I'm going to copy, paste and save your critique, if you don't mind.
These are the sorts of questions I can't come up with on my own, because I know the answers. Haha.
This helps me see what the readers don't know and what else I need to add and make clearer.

Such a great help. And i'll be sure to let you know when I post chapter three. I added an extra conversation to the last scene in chapter three, which is supposed to be informative, though I don't want it coming across that way, or like an info-dump so once I review that, i'll be posting chapter three.

So grateful for your review. :)

Oh, and the instructors are on flying vehicles, I mentioned a couple of times they were on hoverboards, though I did get rid of a few hoverboard mentions because I felt it ended up too repetitive. If its not clear enough though, I may add in another one or two mentions of the instructors being on hoverboards.

:)
  








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