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Sun Oct 02, 2011 5:46 am
Silkworm says...



Spoiler! :
I have not thought of a title yet, if you have any suggestions, please post.


8 years ago…

She dashed as fast as her legs would carry her, grinning to herself. After 5 miserable months, it had been done. Was that sulfur she smelled? Was that a five year olds voice screaming “Daddy? Daddy?” Or was that just the crackle of fire?

Suddenly, she felt the concrete drop underneath her. She dropped right onto a bean bag and immediately looked around, her eyes landing on a figure sitting on a throne that looked like it was made from scrap metal.

“Teresa,” he said in a quiet and deadly voice,” Is the execution….executed?”
No matter how many times Teresa saw him, he always unnerved her. “Yes,” she replied.

“And the boy?”

“Alive just like you wanted,” Teresa answered.

“Excellent. We can now move onto stage two. Alert Malazar and Benozite. Fire up the Machine. Oh, and, keep an eye over the boy. He is crucial to my plan.”

“Yes Master,” said Teresa, “I will not disappoint you.”
Don't let your victories go to your head, don't let your failures go to your heart.
-Unknown
  





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Sun Oct 02, 2011 7:58 am
Rahul says...



Well.. The matter is little less, gives a blurred picture of exactly what is happening in the story. Though what you wrote is nice and secondly when you travel back in time just move it with the flow of the. Though i know every story has its own. My story also travels back in time. But first i wrote what is happening in present and the most important factor is

WHY IS THE STORY BEING NARRATED??? WHY DOES THE NARRATOR DECIDE TO TELL HIS/HER STORY is it because of some incident which reminds her past or something like this. Which ever way you take but adding this detail it will make your story a little more informative and interesting. You can read mine if you want any suggestion

The bright side is , i like the atmosphere you created in the story. Specially the second paragraph where you describe the room

“Excellent. We can now move onto stage two. Alert Malazar and Benozite. Fire up the Machine. Oh, and, keep an eye over the boy. He is crucial to my plan.”

who is or what is Alert Malazar and Benozite here and i guess there should be no comma after and it should be

Oh. and keep an eye...

I guess so

Don't loose hope, other than that keep up!
  





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Sun Oct 02, 2011 8:09 am
Lavvie says...



Hi there Silkworm! Welcome to YWS and that's also a very pretty username :D

So, due to the fact that this piece is extremely short, there won't be a lot to say. However, I really felt that you did well in writing this good, albeit a little short, prologue. You have done well in writing suspense and adding that always needed hint of intrigue. A pat on the back for you!

However, you should really consider switching up some wording. It's kind of like you wrote this on the go and didn't look at it afterwards and just posted. Using an expanded vocabulary can really be fantastic in even the shortest of creative fiction pieces because it personalizes it for the audience and/or reader. For example:

Is the execution…executed?


Most definitely this needs a rewording and I think you might already know that. Sometimes, in order to write a story, it takes something to grab a thesaurus and look up a synonym (or, if need, an antonym). Also, there are many thesaurus-like websites out in the internet that are easy to find. Just search 'online thesaurus' in a search engine.

Lastly, I know I seem to be working backwards, but that's how I roll at one in the morning ;) Anyway, I feel like your beginning is rather weak. It makes little sense and there are a few easy-to-spot grammatical errors that I know you can find yourself just by re-reading. All the questions seem unrelated and completely random - you may want to link them in a relative sort of way. That way, the reader(s) will understand what you, as the writer, are trying to say.

I think it's a really nice start and I hope you write tons more!

Yours,
Lavvie

P.S. When writing a novel, it's usually suggested to choose a title after you've written the entire thing since the story may change drastically from what the author originally intended it to be. A lot of people title their stories and novels beforehand, but then some of those titles are only temporary so it can be differentiated from all the other things being posted here on YWS. So, either you can choose a temporary or permanent title (technically, it's always temporary until you finish the whole thing and then decide whether to keep the title or not) or you can simply keep on titling your posts as something related to 'Untitled'. I'm also a strong believer that only the writer should come up with titles for their pieces since the author knows best most of the time. :D


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Sun Oct 02, 2011 10:23 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hi! I always get stuck on titles myself, so don't worry too much about that x) I'm sure one will come to you in time!

After 5 miserable months, it had been done.
It's really a minor detail, but in stories, all number should be written out. So 5 should become five.

To be honest, this beginning was a little confusing. It would be better if you opened the story up with some description of where Teresa was. All we know is that she's running (happily I assume because you mention her grinning) Then she smells sulfur, then she falls down a trap door, next thing we know there's this King in front of her and they're talking about some kind of Weapon and Benozite and whatshisface... it's just a lot of information to give the reader right up front. I get the feeling like this is an awesome, epic plot, but it's coming at me way too fast. Try to ease out way into it, and slow things down with detail and description.

Keep writing! And let me know if you need help or anything :)
blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
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