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Young Writers Society


Demon- Prologue



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32 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1950
Reviews: 32
Sat Nov 05, 2011 11:43 pm
Starrywolf says...



Spoiler! :
There's a poem about Carter. Check my profile to read if interested.
Anyway, my newest project. It's about time I recovered from losing my last novel/novella to a computer crash. :)
The whole thing's not going to be this scattered and unfocused. It's just the way Carter thinks. I probably won't do a chapter form his POV, at least until the end.
Later chapters may vary in rating.


The stories say that the Government created a monster. The stories say that they made a man into a demon, or gave him the power to become one.

The stories give the government far too much credit. I let them be, as in ways they do me justice, but the government is portrayed as intelligent. Intelligence is where I excel, the mind is my realm, not that of the idiots bred from idiots.
Those who gave me the materials to become something greater only made a lucky guess, as shown by the others that failed- the only other to live is too weak, to quick to bend to the forces of time, or the government’s word.

I am the only true superior, the only being deserving of the blessings given.

And I’ve watched my world crumble, fall into ruin. I had to stand there as the government and their puppet bring back the history they’ve promised not to repeat.

The present sickens me, as my past never will. I see humans, as I once was, caught in the fleeting hours of life. I hold no guilt for the ones I’ve killed, no mercy toward those in pain.

I thrive through the years in the bodies of the broken, the ones I was proud to have put out of their misery. Oh, our world is so alive- such a single being- rivers for veins and a core for a heart- I’ve come to hear it beating, hear it’s heart beating along with my own.

Naomi and her soldiers and masters, always trying to pull me away from the dark. So brave, so naïve.

My memories, though- I have forgotten nothing about the world that I could see, the memories of color and light never fade. From the sun to the details of a leaf- not a color faded.

From what little’s left my sanity, I now pity the Doctor- I know too much for my mind to take, and he, as a character, existed even longer. (Television has to be what I miss most, both of the past and the sense of sight.)

A science tells you, as you get older time seems to move faster, because it's a smaller portion of your life so far. I remember my last love's every detail, the years I spent with her being years. Now the world flies by in a blur, every person insignificant as the rest.

Oh, youth. I miss being young most of all.

They say I am no longer human, but they are less so than I- the history they've forgotten makes the species what it is, or was, and the culture they've lost is so much more beautiful than this.

Everything was so much more beautiful.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 891
Reviews: 24
Sun Nov 06, 2011 12:56 am
DaughterofEvil says...



I'm relieved you included that little note before the story began, otherwise I would have been utterly lost. Truthfully, I did enjoy this story, and found nothing wrong with it except a few grammar errors here and there. Overall, I can't wait to read the rest of this novel! The plot seems interesting! :D
  





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Sun Nov 06, 2011 2:07 am
Audrey718 says...



I love it. It is really good. I love that this is just all on how Carter thinks. I read the spoiler after i read the story. I'm guessing that Carter the is monster that the government created. I cannot wait for Chapter 1. :)
Great writing!
Audrey
Noble Strength
  





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Sun Nov 06, 2011 4:27 pm
missunderstood says...



I really enjoyed reading the prologue. I think it catches the reader's attention. The character is also interesting. I think that more colorful language could help it a lot. Some of what is said is slightly confusing and could be altered just a little to improve the writing. Besides being more descriptive and making your writing vivid, your doing very well. I think it will be a really well written story overall. Keep up the good work.
"You can be a king or a street-sweeper, but everybody dances with the grim reaper." -Robert Harris
  





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Mon Nov 07, 2011 11:58 pm
uni8 says...



I think it's really good. I didn't read the spoiler until I was almost halfway through but I got where you were going before that. Often my writing takes a similar course. I wish I could find more books out in the world of reading that were like this story is so far. I enjoy this style but can never seem to find books with it that are actually any good. This one is. I think it will continue to be!
  





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Thu Nov 10, 2011 10:12 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hey there! The title and description of this novel caught my attention so I thought I'd come by and review :)

The stories say that the Government created a monster. The stories say that they made a man into a demon, or gave him the power to become one.


It's just my opinion, but I thought how you said 'the stories say...' at the beginning of each line was repetitive. I think you were trying to go for a special effect, but to me I'd rather you try and rephrase this.

The stories give the government far too much credit. I let them be, as in ways they do me justice, but the government is portrayed as intelligent. Intelligence is where I excel, the mind is my realm, not that of the idiots bred from idiots.


I don't quite know what you mean when you say 'The mind is my realm, not that of the idiots bred from idiots.' Actually this whole paragraph was a bit hard from me to grasp.

Those who gave me the materials to become something greater only made a lucky guess, as shown by the others that failed- the only other to live is too weak, to quick to bend to the forces of time, or the government’s word.


I don't mean to nitpick, but it seems like something about this is off, especially the end. Are there words missing? I don't really know what you're trying to say.



Alright, so I like the whole idea behind this story. I love the kind of sci-fi demon creation aspect to it. It really excited me to know one of your main characters was a killer.

But if I'm honest, this prologue was pretty hard to follow. I couldn't really understand what Carter was trying to say to us. He talks about the government and then his memories of sun and then television and then a Doctor. All his ideas were just kind of disjointed to me. And this might be the way he thinks, but that still doesn't make it any easier to understand.

Keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions.
blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  








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