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Young Writers Society


The Half-Breed's Eyes (1)



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Mon Nov 07, 2011 9:16 am
TheWandlessWitch says...



I'm a little shaky on grammar so tear that to bits. This is a bit of a prologue and it's for my NaNoWriMo! So I hope you enjoy!


The baby had half-breed eyes. A muddy brown with tiny flecks of green sprinkled evenly through the iris. I hovered near the cell door, peering through the bars at the baby, it was a little girl and she was crying her little blond head off. Fumbling, I pushed the small key into the lock and opened the barred door. The baby was completely naked and looking as if there had only just been time to sever the umbilical cord before the parents had left it.

The cell was dark and damp. Out of a small barred window I could see the arena outside, with the stands full of people. Rich, by the looks of it, top hats, make-up; this was a social event not an execution for these people.

A loud voice rang over above me. “To be executed is Reyrl Ryder, for the unforgivable crime of breeding and marrying a commoner and his ‘wife’,” The word was heavily exaggerated and followed with sniggers from the crowd, “Gabriella Eryoro or ‘Ryder’. These two have gone under the authority of the Govern and not only breed and married but refused the Govern’s reasonable other of killing the woman and child, leaving you,” The man’s voice grew louder as wit the jeers, “an available master of many servants and owner of many houses, but, you refused. You also tried to bait the Govern with money, money the Govern has plenty be have no need for your filthy – “

“I regret nothing,” A man’s voice snarled, somewhat quieter than the announcer’s own enhanced one. I could see him, tall and strong looking; out of the small window. He had two authority on either side of his arms, holding them behind his back. He was of a rich descent even if he wasn’t so liked now. He had green eyes, all of the poor have a muddy brown.
One of the authority raised a whip and brought it down on his back with a snap and crack and it slashed through the air.

“Reyrl!” A woman’s voice screamed. She was slightly away from the man and had an almost deranged look about her. She only had one authority holding her arms, as if they thought that a girl would be weaker than a man; they were clearly mistaken as she burst free towards the man ‘Reyrl’ because being tackled to the ground by the same authority and having the same punishment.

Slash, hit, and wince; over and over upon the woman’s stomach.

“Yes yes, do continue,” The announcer’s voice said, “I should like to see her face when she realises she and her foolish husband are the cause of her little unborn baby’s death,”

“I should like to see your face when you fools actually realise I’ve already had my baby girl!” The woman screamed madly. A collective silence rested upon the crowd before the jeering started,

“Yeah, sure! You’ve already had your baby,” One particularly loud voice sneered from the throng,

“Now, now masters and mistress’s of the city, we all know she’s bluffing but we better have some authority check out her claim,” He chuckled into the microphone before yelling gruffly an instruction to someone nearby.

I suddenly remembered what I was doing here and scooped as the little baby in my arms. Obviously this baby was that couples child, the one all the rest of them thought wasn’t born yet. I whispered in what I hoped was a comforting sing-song voice to the child but which was probably an urgent panicky one instead. I hid behind a ledge and watched as the authority came into the cell and quickly took in their surroundings. One of them said in short sharp instructions to another to inform someone of something.

I flattened myself under the ledge and removed my hand which had been clamped over the baby’s mouth to stop its crying. The baby girl had stopped crying and lay with her head resting in the nook of my arm staring up at me with those half-breed eyes.

I heard the crackle of static before a message would be announced, “She’s not lying, she’s had the baby. She’s hidden it somewhere. All authority search the arena and cells, there’s a chance someone has taken the baby.”
The rest of the authority emptied out of the cell to check the rest of the arena, snarling and resting their big shotguns over their shoulders as they went.

I ran out the big castle like entrance way from the cells, shifting the little girl to rests on my shoulder. I heard the shot of one of the guns go off as I ran; I suspected the victim to be the father. They would want the mother to torture and get her to tell where she had left her baby. As if on cue, the baby girl started to cry again.

My husband and I’s little worker shack is the closest one to the arena, I ran to it as I screamed at him to run. I heard his confused shout as he turned to follow my mad run. This is when I heard the second shot; this baby was now an orphan.
“She’s got the baby!” Rang through the air as I was nearly at the shrubs we call trees in which we might be able to make an escape or, at least get the baby to safety.

A bullet narrowly missed me and hit the trunk of a tree a couple of metres ahead of me, my heels dug into the ground as I intended to change direction from the shooting path as a sharp pain hit me in the back. I fell over and vaguely noticed that my worker tunic was turning red and that Jack, my husband, had left me here to die when he ran for cover without even taking the baby crowded inside my head before they all let slip and I felt nothing more.

*
An authority man walked up beside the body of the woman caught trying to take the baby; she was a pretty thing, muddy eyes and black hair, “A waste with this one, ay boys?” He mocked spitting near her head and overturning her limp body with his boot.

There, cushioned against the woman’s chest was a baby with blonde hair and half-breed eyes, whimpering quietly. The man lifted the baby up and laughed, “Come here ya half-breed,” He said, “This one’ll take a lot of convincing to be taken up as a servant,” The authority man’s eyes darted towards the small shrub of a forest in which the man had taken his escape. He’ll die soon he thought as he made his way back to the arena, the baby with the half-breed eyes thrust roughly over his shoulder.
  





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Tue Nov 08, 2011 1:29 am
MariaRowlands says...



THat is soooo sad! You are a brilliant writer but the part of the child's escape is sort of confusing and you may need to try and make it more detailed and simple if you can.
May The Blood of my Enemies Flow Like Rivers to the Sea
  





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Thu Nov 10, 2011 1:18 pm
Soulkana says...



Hello Wandless! I want to say I really loved this, but like Maria said the escape is a bit confusing. I loved everything else and can't wait to read more!!! I really couldn't find anything wrong except the escape, which I feel like you should describe it more. Hope this helps and if you have any questions feel free to ask or send a PM! ^^ Good luck.
Aydan Soulkana<3
May the gentle moon take you into peaceful dreams. May the mighty sun brighten your new days.
  








The wince that you wince when you see your quote in the quote generator is quite a wince, I tell ya. To know that the whole YWS community has read and judged your quote is quite an awkward feeling like oh noes. *manly blush*
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