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Young Writers Society


An Alien World- Chapter 1



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Points: 1144
Reviews: 4
Tue Jan 03, 2012 9:40 pm
PersephoneMary says...



Chapter1: Jack

“Hurry up and shift that crate! Come on soldiers, your working like a bunch of sissy’s!” The commander yelled at the couple of hundred men who were unloading the ship. “You know Jack, I think sometimes you’re the only one with a brain amongst that lot.”
“Well I’ll take that as a compliment, sir. Why don’t I go and help them?”
“No, you’ll stay with me. I’m getting a group together to go and look around. We picked up life readings and the point of this whole trip is to see what is out there, so that we can settle here.”
“Aye sir.” I stood where I was, my new orders kept firmly in my mind as I thought about this place we had come to. The trees around me were white. Not just the leaves, the whole trees. And the grass too. It wasn’t snow; in fact it wasn’t even cold here. It was boiling hot, actually. The sky was a very pale shade of blue. Paler than it would be at home. It had a sort of lilac hue in it as well, probably because of some other air particle here that we didn’t have back home.
“Commander! The air is safe! We don’t need the masks, it’s made up of mostly oxygen and carbon dioxide, and some hydrogen too, much like back home…”
“Yeah yeah, we get the picture science guy, masks off.” The commander had a blunt and brutal personality. He didn’t care about anything science related, and only brought the scientists because if we didn’t we would probably be dead within a few minutes, and that is a fact that the commander hated. He was a military man through and through. He pulled his oxygen mask over his head and I did the same, holding my breath before I would breathe in the first of air on an alien planet.
Mary x
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 15440
Reviews: 245
Wed Jan 04, 2012 4:10 am
creativityrules says...



Hello there! Rose here from Review Team Yellow to review!

Wow. This is really short. I'm not saying that's a bad thing, seeing as it's the first chapter and I believe that first chapters should be short and to the point as a rule, but it does leave me with less to review. Oh well! :D

“Hurry up and shift that crate! Come on soldiers, your working like a bunch of sissies!” The commander yelled at the couple of hundred men who were unloading the ship. “You know, Jack, I think sometimes you’re the only one with a brain amongst that lot.”


Nice opening paragraph. I like the commander immediately; also, I get the feeling that Jack's a favorite of his, and that could prove to be an important detail. The only real problems I found with it dealt with punctuation (I put the corrections I made in bold); I would also like to point out that the detail about the 'couple of hundred men' seems a little choppy, but it could easily just be me.

Next, I'm going to suggest that you separate the paragraphs by leaving an empty line between each of them, exactly like I've done with the paragraphs this review is made up of. It sets them apart and makes them visually easier on the eyes. That way, each paragraphs stands out and doesn't blend together into a lump of words.

The trees around me were white. Not just the leaves, the whole trees. And the grass too. It wasn’t snow; in fact it wasn’t even cold here. It was boiling hot, actually. The sky was a very pale shade of blue. Paler than it would be at home. It had a sort of lilac hue in it as well, probably because of some other air particle here that we didn’t have back home.


This part seems quite choppy to me. In my opinion, it's because of the short length of the sentences. In fact, some of the sentences aren't even sentences at all; they're fragments, such as the part about how the sky is "Paler than it would be at home." If I were you, I'd work on combining sentences so that they're all properly contrived and easy to read.

All in all, nice work! I very well might review the rest of what you have posted of this novel; I want to see what happens!

Always keep writing! :D

-Rose
“...it's better to feel the ache inside me like demons scratching at my heart than it is to feel numb the way a dead body feels when you touch it."

-Brian James
  








I'm also not sure why but even though I normally wear cool tones I have a feeling red would have been my color in the 1860s.
— Elinor