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Hellfire chapter 2



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Thu Jan 19, 2012 10:00 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



"First Blood"

A massive piece of fire falls from the building and lands behind him. I see his eyes glowing in the shadows the flames cast, but they don't just appear to glow. They really are glowing. An emerald green ring around a solid black pupil in both sockets. I hear more gunfire from behind, some guards in the machine-gun nests firing back. He sees them and dodges the shots in a flash. He then starts running towards them and then jumps from twenty feet away right into the nest. One guard he snaps his neck, the other he rips a pistol from his hand and turns it on him.

He then takes hold of the machine gun and rips it from the tripod. I feel my eyes widen again. This wasn't just some mounted machine gun you rested on a tripod, it was one of the big, spinning barrel kind that have the belt of bullets at the side. No normal person could possibly lift one on their own. It's pretty obvious that he's not normal.

Another squad of hawks thunders in, launching rockets at him. He now has the machine gun in one hand and takes off running toward the rockets. He comes to the first and swerves to the side, the next he goes down on his knees and slides underneath it, the next he grabs with his free hand and redirects it into the path of another.

He then swings the gun in front of him and starts firing at the hawks. One's wing gives out and it spirals to the ground. Another explodes in mid air. Another explodes in mid air, and starts falling right in my direction. I swing my arms in front of my face and brace for the hawk, when suddenly I feel myself lifted up and carried out of its path. I look up to see that the Stranger has me in his arms. I look down to see that we're about thirty feet in the air and I swing my arms around his neck.

He smells of blood and smoke, but something else. A faint, sweet smell, one I'm not familiar with. His skin is smoother than silk but firm as iron. I look down to see that he's not big and bulky like some of the bigger farmers of the village. He's skinny, but built. The ripples in his body make his muscles so visible I can count them. I feel my body jerk forward ever so slightly and turn to see that we were on the side of a building, the center building actually. I watch as he digs he's fingers right into the side of the building and climbs.

When we reach the top and he sits me down, he says, "Stay here. I'll be back." His voice was strong, yet sweet. Like a heroic lion from a fairytale. His eyes even glow like something of a lion's. He bends down and jumps far above my head and dives back down. I rush to my feet and look down to the street. Down below, I see that a squad of Wolves have appeared. Their metal skin shining in the sun, the clinging noise of their feet on the concrete, and their massive machine-guns mounted on their backs.

The machine-gun that the Stranger had, which is now laying several feet away, is out of bullets. One of the Wolves charges for him, it's miniature buzz-saw teeth sparking as they hit each other in the beast's mouth. The Stranger charges forward as well, starting at a normal sprint. The beast continues to charge for him. The beast neglects to use its guns, probably thinking it's an easy kill. The Stranger reaches to the now empty gun by the barrels, swings it to his side, and smashes it into the wolf 's face. The beast does a full turn in the air and the Stranger brings the gun down on it's head again. Sparks and oil bubbled up from under the gun.

The other two Wolves begin firing on him with their own guns. He dodges to the side and takes cover behind a dumpster. The Wolves stop their firing. He tries to peek at the side and the Wolves start again, one bullet just grazing him at the shoulder.

I let out a small gasp when I see he was hit. I clasp my hand over my mouth. As soon as I do, the Wolves stop again, and look up at me. Two flaps open up on one of the beasts' back and two small missiles appear and launch in my direction. My eyes widen, my heart pumping, I back away when I see the Stranger jump into the air after the rockets. I fall and quickly get back up to see what happens. I see him, caught up with the rocket closest to me. He grabs it some-what in the middle and swings the rocket around and hits the other missile. The second Wolf launches a single rocket. He turns in mid-air and sends it backto the Wolves, sending a cloud of black and red into the air as he falls.

I sigh in relief, my heart finally calms down, only to see the last Wolf come out of the fire without a scratch. It starts firing at the Stranger again. He jumps about thirty feet in the air, a spray of bullets following behind him. He comes down on top of the Wolf, crashing down on it, sending it to the ground. The beast tries to stand back up but the Stranger brings down his foot on its head, the sound of metal snapping under pressure rings through the street.

I look down the street looking for more dangers that might be lurking. I let out a sigh when I see none. I then look again just realizing that one person had just taken two squads of Hawks, three Wolves, and half a battalion of Guards. Who is this guy!, I think to myself looking at the Stranger as he jumps from the Wolf. With one huge leap, he is now ten feet above me and then landing at my side.

He stands up and looks at me with his glowing green eyes. A look of annoyance or something else on his face. "You alright?" he asks me. I nod my head. "That was a close call."

"What are you?" I blurt out. I swing my hands up over my mouth, wishing I hadn't. He sighs and crosses his arms.

"Why does everyone always ask that first? Don't people ever just ask names anymore?" he says with his eyes shut.

"I'm so sorry. My name is Rebecca." I say in a apologetic tone.

"Name's Lionheart." he says looking up at me. I knew he had a lion-ish look about him.

"It kinda matches you." I say awkwardly. He doesn't say anything. Without a word, he scoops me up into his arms, one under my knees the other under the middle of my back, and walks off the edge of the building. I grab his neck when I get the feeling of falling, and squeeze when I feel us hit the ground.

"You ought to go home and pack. More Guards will be showing up soon to investigate." he says putting me down. He starts to turn and walk away when I say,

"Wait, can...can you help me with something?" He turns back to face me and stares without answering. I walk back over to my brother, untouched, with a pool of blood now in front of him. I feel my eyes start to tear up but they won't fall. Lionheart walks to him and pulls a knife from his belt. He cuts the rope from Chris's wrists and takes off the blindfold. He then picks him up and turns to me. Without a word I lead him to the river.

There, Lionheart finds a tarp and wraps Chris in it, leaving only his face uncovered, and ties it around him with some rope he found. We bring him to the edge of the dock and Lionheart sits him down. I stand over him and bend down beside him. I lift him into my lap and hug him, my tears now flowing down my face. I kiss his forehead and lay him down slowly. Lionheart then picks him up by the rope and lowers him down to the water. I watch as he disappears to the bottom.

"This was his favorite place. We'd always come here on days I didn't have to work to fish. One year we came and he ended up with a huge bass and I caught an old boot." I say. I don't know whether I was talking to Lionheart or whoever, but it didn't matter. I start crying again. I feel my knees buckle and I go to the ground, putting my face in my hands. I hear Lionheart come up behind me. He binds down and puts a hand on my shoulder. Without thinking, I turn and put my arms around him. I bury my face in his neck and he puts his arms around me, pulling me closer. I don't know if he minds, but right now I need this.

"I'm so sorry about him. I don't know what this is like, but I know it's horrible. This is why I'm doing this. I've gone to the other Sectors and freed most of them. Just this one and one more stands before the Dictatorship." he says in a low sweet voice. I feel his heat through my jacket. His heart beats like a steady drum. I press my face deeper into his neck. "I'm going to make this world better. A place where this will never happen again. Honestly, I feel terrible that he won't get to see it." he says in almost a whisper.

After a moment I finally let go. He draws back slowly, finally leaving his hand on my right shoulder. I look into his eyes. All they said was "I'm sorry". I put my hand on the back of his head and draw him close. I kiss him on the cheek and whisper in his ear, "Thank you. I really needed that." I get to my feet. He rises with me, not taking his eyes off me.

"Glad I could help." he says.

"Listen. You said you're freeing all the Sectors and then taking down the Dictatorship?" I say with my head bent down.

"Yeah, why?" he asks awkwardly.

"I want to come with you. I want to help anyway I can. I'm not a fighter but I know how to be a nurse and I can cook." I say hoping that maybe he won't just say no.
Last edited by scifyfantacywriter01 on Fri Jan 27, 2012 2:55 pm, edited 5 times in total.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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Tue Jan 24, 2012 9:32 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Hey Scify! Sorry it took so long to reply, I got kinda swamped with exams last week xP But I can't wait to finally start chaps 2 and 3 ^_^

I'll get some nitpicks out of the way first :)

I hear more gun fire from behind.
not a big deal, but gunfire can be one word.

I look up to see that the Stranger has me in his arms.
I don't think Stranger needs to be capitalized.

He smells of blood and smoke, but something else. A faint, sweet smell, one I'm not familiar with. His skin is smoother than silk but firm as iron. I look down to see that he's not big and bulky like some of the bigger farmers of the village. He's skinny, but built. The ripples in his body made his muscles so visible I could count them. I feel my body jerk forward ever so slightly and turn to see that we were on the side of a building, the center building actually. I watch as he grips the building and watch as he digs he's fingers right into the side of the building.
here, it's a bit difficult to tell how they got up the building. You make it sound like he climbed up by just digging his nails into the wall and hauling himself up. I have a weird image of a Spiderman like approach to it. I know this guy was fast, and the person he was carrying probably didn't have a clue what was going on, but I think they'd be aware enough to know how they got up there. If this person can notice how this guy smells and how many muscles he has, I'm sure they can notice something like how they ascended the building x)

He binds down and jumps far above my head and dives back down to the street.
should binds be climbs?

He binds down and puts a hand on my shoulder.
bends

I berry my face in his neck and he puts his arms around me, pulling me closer.
bury, not berry :P

Alright, now that the picky comments are over with, I really liked this! You definitely succeeded in making Lionheart look like the supercool hero that everyone wants to be x). The only critique I have is that maybe he's a little TOO awesome, and a little TOO perfect. It seems like he can do anything he wants; his physical abilities are endless, he has a very hero-like personality, and is attractive as well. So what kind of flaws does he have? You can make him seem as cool as you want, but to me, if a character doesn't have at least a few human flaws, they aren't interesting. So for future chapters, maybe you could work on including his less-perfect sides as well.

I thought the action was well done. You had plenty of description so we could follow what was happening really well. I like the variation in Lionheart's fighting style; he wasn't just punching stuff here and kicking things there, he was stealing guns and shoving his boot in the Wolves' faces and doing lots of other moves that sounded cool :) So keep that up!

You are doing really well with the story so far. My main advice is too just be VERY CAREFUL not to make your characters fall into cliches. Make sure they each have traits and quirks that make them original.

And don't try to fool me, I know where you took Lionheart's name from ;) lol. I'm like the biggest Final Fantasy nerd on the planet so of course I could recognize it right off the bat :D You should probably change that name eventually, but it you can't think of one now and just want to use Lionheart as a placeholder, that's fine too.

Whew! Sorry for the extremely long review, I hope some of it helped :)
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





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Wed Jan 25, 2012 1:48 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



Thanks. i thought "Stranger" was caped. I have a habit of making mistakes like that. and he he's digging his fingers straight into the wall itself. thanks. send me a link to your stuff sometime. and there will be some flaws. trust me. and honestly, i dont know anything about final fantacy. all i know is Cloud. thats all.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  





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Gender: Female
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Thu Jan 26, 2012 6:09 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



Ah, I see x) Be sure to edit those in there, then!
I've been drawing an original character and might upload that sometime next week, so I'll give you a heads up for a review x) Thanks!
lol, really? I could've sworn your avatar used to be Vincent Valentine from Final Fantasy 7, and the name Lionheart comes from the last name of the main character from Final Fantasy 8. Must be a total coincidence, I guess xD Weird, though.

I meant to read chap 3 too, but I'll have to get to that one later. Sorry for the delay! Keep writing! :)
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  





User avatar
31 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 315
Reviews: 31
Thu Jan 26, 2012 10:00 pm
scifyfantacywriter01 says...



He probably is. I just picked the one i liked that was already on the site. Sounds good. Thanks for the review.
When people think of beauty, they think of bright colors, purity, or goodness. When I think of beauty, I think of the darkness. Beauty has a dark side, and I like it. Light is pretty but darkness is passionate, sinister, and sexy as hell.
  








No matter what happens I'll always know there's a quote of mine in the YWS quote generator.
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