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The Orange Pirates: Chapters 1&2



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Sun Aug 06, 2006 5:07 pm
yoha_ahoy says...



Here are chapters one and two of a new story I'm working on. It is a side story taking place in the future, after my 4 book series I'm working on for NaNoWriMo. So far, I only have book one finished (but not edited... *headdesk*). I plan on finishing the other three over the next three NaNoWriMo's. For this side story, I decided I wanted to do my own "AugoWriMo" so more will be coming throughout the month. I hope you enjoy it. And it is very raw, so it's up for some harsh editing. ^_^ But for right now I'm just bashing out the idea. Thanks! Enjoy.
_______________________________________________________________________




Gone

She wondered what in the world she was supposed to do with herself. She was left all alone with no one and nowhere to turn to.

Both her parents had died in an intergalactic war, where her home planet of Kappa Cenaturi had been blown up. Luckily, she was on a transport ship, traveling at warp speed 13 towards Echo System Headquarters to be trained as a Lieutenant for the base back at home.
When the transport ship, set on autopilot with an actual live crew of a medic, two flight attendants, and a passenger load of three hundred people, reached the ESH quadrant, there was nothing left but debris. The ship slowed to a halt in mid-space and awaited further instructions of where to land. There was no place to land.

One of the flight attendants’ voice’s came on the intercom telling everyone to calm down. Everybody was up in a panic at the discovery of the missing planet. Though it was a small planet, it was the most important one in the entire ranking of S.S. 15. That’s Solar System number 15. The 15th solar system discovered by the original Astronomers from Earth.
Of course, Armaria couldn’t stay seated. She unbuckled her straps, walked coolly down the aisles of the transport, and asked the male flight attendant where the database was.

“I can’t show you that!” he cried. “You can’t even be past eighteen!”

“No, I’m seventeen, but I’ve been trained in ship navigational equipment better than probably anyone else on this ship, seeing as they’re mostly elders going to visit their great-grandchildren on what was the ESH. Now, we should figure out where to take them next so they don’t all die of space sickness or of grievance for their loved ones.”

The flight attendant raised an eyebrow at her but led her back to the computer screen in the wall mount behind the triple plated titanium door. “So where are we going, captain?” he asked sarcastically.

“We're turning it around and going back home.”

“And how do you plan to do that?” he asked.

“Well, first we have to break into that sealed cockpit to find the actual maps and directions. Otherwise, we’re screwed,” Armaria said.

“That cockpit?!” he said aghast.

“No, the one on the top of the fin,” she contorted. “No shit the one right there. Now you look like a strapping young man of, what? 18? 19?” she mocked.

“Twenty,” he said flatly. “Fine. Well, if we’re gonna break some intergalactic codes, I might as well tell you who I am,” he stuck out his hand to shake. “My name is Jason.”

She took his hand and shook it firmly, “Armaria.”

He led her back through the aisles of the ship to the front cockpit, meanwhile telling the passengers that everything was all right and they’d be back home soon. Once they got up to the heavily secured door, Jason asked, “Now just, how exactly are we supposed to get in?”

Armaria shouldered past him, took her high-strength Defying Gravity Film Stick, and touched it to the door and applying the “touch” setting, she turned it on. A shimmery blue film that looked like water reflecting on a pool bottom encased all the titanium that her DG Stick was touching on the door. It made a small, almost inaudible click noise once it reached all around. Once Armaria heard that sound, she stepped back a step, bringing the door back with her. Jason’ eyes grew wide. Where’d you get one of those?

“I made it myself,” Armaria said as if it were blatantly obvious. “Did you think you could get one of these at your local DG vendor?” she smiled.

“I don’t know where I thought you could get those. What can it pull? Like sixty bazillion tons?”
Armaria laughed with a high airy laugh. “No, only about ten tons.”

“Wow… he said. I need to get me one of those,” he mumbled as the entered the cockpit. The titanium door was now leaning against the wall in the hallway. Armaria immediately began to work. Pressing finger touch buttons on the main console. The progress of her work showed quickly. The transport ship turned around and began traveling at a slow pace towards what he was pretty sure was home. “Can you get this thing up to a warp 13?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah,” Armaria said distractedly. Moving to another console, she lifted a plastic casing, and released a latch on a lever and pushed it slowly upwards. Jason watched the screen of the ship’s speed. Warp five clicked onto six, then seven. Soon they were at twelve, thirteen, fourteen, and fifteen.

“Hey, I think we’re fast enough there, girl,” Jason said a bit worriedly.

“Hey, boy. I have a name. I’d prefer it if you called me by it.”

“Yes captain Armaria,” he said jokingly.



Arrested


By the time they had reached their planet sector, Jason had convinced Armaria to slow the transport down to a speedy Warp Thirteen. They gradually came to a halt, into another floating mass of debris.

“This can’t be Kappa,” Armaria said confused. She stared at the maps, filing through the databases and quickly analyzing everything.

Jason could hear people whispering and talking in the coach, asking what was happening, what was going on. Jason went to the map grid and looked at it. He scanned through the views, and every one said that they had arrived at Kappa Centauri.

“This is not right! Where is Kappa?!” Armaria said angrily.

“I… I think it’s gone too,” Jason said stunned. “Just like Echo System Headquarters. Armaria… I think we might be under attack.”

“Under attack?! What do you mean under attack? Under attack by who?” she shouted.

“Didn’t you ever listen in intergalactic histories class?” Jason scolded. “When the first intergalactic settlers moved from Earth, their first plan was to stop at Alpha Centauri. But it was gone. A mass of debris was all that was left, just as ESH and Kappa are now. I think we might be under attack by the same people… er, aliens, creatures… whatever attacked Alpha Centauri before.”

“Sure, well we better find a place for these people to go. I’ll leave it up to you to decide what to tell the passengers.” Armaria said.

“Let’s just wait until we can find someplace to go instead of just floating around in space.”

“Right.”

That was the last bit of communication between Jason and Armaria for a while. She quickly sped up to Warp Seventeen. It was a bit of a burden for the full transport ship, but Jason didn’t say anything. He just sat in the back and let Armaria take them to Beta Centauri.

Beta Centauri was the second most secure planet in the galaxy. It only became habitable with recent technology so they also had the latest ship-entry security tech with them. It furthermore happened to be the closest planet to, the now gone, Kappa Centauri.

About half way there, a small tow ship passed them on radar. It turned around and followed them, slowly following behind them until it sent a message to the cockpit telling them to stop. Armaria slowed it again to the stop and the little tow ship pulled in front of them.

Captain Ekkers of the tow came on the view screen and asked them to identify themselves.

“LIT Armaria Dune, reporting, sir,” Armaria said with a bit a casual flair in her voice, only standing up a slight bit straighter.

“Head flight attendant, Jason Jerall of the T.S. Herald, reporting, Captain Ekkers,” Jason said with a full salute.

“Very good. Although, I’d expect a bit more respect for a senior officer, Dune,” Ekkers said. “Thank you for attempting to return your passengers, Jerall, but I will have to arrest you both once we dock, for speeding,” Ekkers said. After that, Armaria just stood stiffly as Captain Ekkers told them that ESH and Kappa had, in fact, been attacked by unknown intruders, and they were only one of a handful of ships that had survivors from the planets. He then disabled the controls of the ship, and towed them the rest of the way back to Beta Centauri.

The Transportation Ship Herald came closer into view of Beta Centauri. Jason had been sitting in the big lounging pilot’s chair worrying. Armaria had been taking her time pacing the deck and looking at one of the consoles.

“Armaria, there’s no use looking at the maps. They are towing us to Beta themselves,” Jason said. Armaria just ignored him. She kept on pacing.

A small knock came from outside the cockpit. Armaria spun on her heel. Jason slowly turned the chair around. “Excuse me, ma’am,” a small child said.

“What are you doing up here?!” Armaria exclaimed.

“I –“

“Let him be,” Jason said calmly. “It’s just a child.”

“Hey! I’m not a child!” they exclaimed.

“Yes you are,” Armaria said. “Now what do you want?”

“My grandma wants to know what is happening. The rest of the people do too.”

“Go tell them everything is okay. We’ll be safe on Beta for now,” Jason said quietly.

“Okay,” the child said, and they walked back to tell the news.

“So what do you think we’ll be our sentence?” Jason finally asked.

“I don’t plan on getting sentenced,” Armaria said.

“But they said--“

“I know they said they were going to arrest us. That’s not my plan though.”

Jason paused a moment. “What is your plan?”

“Taking another ship once we see these people off to safety and getting out of here.”

“That’s stealing!” Jason said with alarm.

The same small knock came at the empty doorframe. Armaria spun around again. “Why are you back?!” she shouted.

The child ignored her and asked, “What are you stealing?”

Armaria’s face grew red with rage. She began to cross the room to the pilot’s chair. Jason simply said, “We aren’t stealing anything.”

“Yes, we--“ Armaria began, but caught herself and finished, “aren’t stealing anything.”

The child’s face wrinkled up in a suspicious look. “Okay, whatever you say. But now they want to know why we are going to Beta, and not Kappa. And also why we are being towed to Beta.”

“Now that, I can’t tell you,” Armaria said with a scowl.

“Fine,” the child said, and marched back to his seat.

“We are not stealing a ship,” Jason cut to the chase.

“That’s right. We aren’t,” Armaria agreed.

“We aren’t?” Jason echoed thinking she wasn’t going to give in that easily.

“Nope,” she said.

“That’s great!”

But as soon as Jason turned back around and propped his feet up, Armaria mumbled, “You are.” She went back to studying the maps and floor plans on the console.
@(^_^)@
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Mon Aug 07, 2006 4:37 am
Gannon says...



The Orange Pirates: Chapters 1&2
yoha_ahoy

Before I begin, I would advise you to put a rating on here due to the language. Obviously, it is not required, but I do advise it.

Gone

Evaluation

"She wondered what in the world she was supposed to do with herself. She was left all alone with no one and nowhere to turn to."
This seems like a bland beginning. I wouldn't advice beginning a story with a pronoun; there is little reasons as to why you should not start the story off with the characters name. It also lacks emotion; it just seems like any mediocre attempt at trying to introduce a heart-wrenching scene.

"Both her parents had died in an intergalactic war, where her home planet of Kappa Cenaturi had been blown up."
Your plot is also bland; there are countless Science-Fiction novels that have Intergalactic Wars as well as planets that resemble names such as Kappa Cenaturi. It is often intimidating to go away from the norm, but you don't have to drift far from it. Just change the planet names and spruce up the details of this war.

"Luckily, she was on a transport ship, traveling at warp speed 13 towards Echo System Headquarters to be trained as a Lieutenant for the base back at home."
This is also an excerpt containing overused names and terms found in Science-Fiction. Also, the narrative seems slightly too casual as of right now, with the use of 'luckily' and other examples found throughout this piece.

"When the transport ship, set on autopilot with an actual live crew of a medic, two flight attendants, and a passenger load of three hundred people, reached the ESH quadrant, there was nothing left but debris."
This is a rather lengthy sentence that you may consider revising, dividing it into multiple sentences rather than one rather choppy sentence ridden with comma splices.

Also, I find that this ship is rather lacking in crew; why is there no captain, again? You may consider either modifying this or explaining in more detail as to what the situation really is. I just find it impractical to have no captain; he is the one that gets the ship out of a situation such as this.

"That’s Solar System number 15. The 15th solar system discovered by the original Astronomers from Earth."
Again, the casual narrative. Using abbreviated words such as 'that's' to begin a sentence is rather looked upon poorly. Also, the second sentence is the epitome of a sentence fragment. I would suggest taking your time in revising, but you have noted that this is merely the sake of mapping out the story. It may just be me, but I wouldn't post this; perhaps post something in Fiction Discussion?

"She unbuckled her straps, walked coolly down the aisles of the transport, and asked the male flight attendant where the database was."
This main character of ours seems a little too calm in seeing the remains of her parents. A normal person would probably be in hysteria at that moment. Perhaps she is not a normal person; if so, you may consider including that in the narrative.

"'I can’t show you that!' he cried. 'You can’t even be past eighteen!'"
I don't really understand why this individual shouted as such in this case. It may be because everyone is in a hysterics, which is a perfectly fine example. But if this, again, is the situation, I suggest you include thus. In my opinion, I would think that he would interpret this as though she was joking. Consider his situation and revise accordingly.

"'Twenty,' he said flatly. 'Fine. Well, if we’re gonna break some intergalactic codes, I might as well tell you who I am,' he stuck out his hand to shake. 'My name is Jason.'"
This seems an abrupt way to introduce oneself. It is just rather awkward to go from being flat with someone and then warming up to them and shaking their hand. I believe you should lead up to this.

". . . took her high-strength Defying Gravity Film Stick, and touched it . . . "
This is a very odd name that I am rather turned off by. And I am led to the conclusion that, because they're in space, there is no gravity. So, if the ship is producing artificial gravity, you may want to include this.

"A shimmery blue film that looked like water reflecting on a pool bottom encased all the titanium that her DG Stick was touching on the door."
I don't really agree with how you describe the functionality of this DG Stick you conjured up. If you could provide a more concise description, that'd make it much more effective.

"Jason’ eyes grew wide. Where’d you get one of those?"
You neglected to make a new paragraph and provide the quotation marks here.

"'. . . at your local DG vendor?' she smiled."
I'm not completely convinced that this character named Jason knows what this thing she used on the door is named. Therefore, it is impractical for either Armaria to use such abbreviations or Jason to ask what it stands for.

"'I don’t know where I thought you could get those. What can it pull? Like sixty bazillion tons?'"
Just like the narrative, Jason seems to have warmed up to Armaria quite quickly. They just met; I do not believe they would be this casual toward each other in five-minutes time.

"Pressing finger touch buttons on the main console."
This is another sentence fragment. Revise accordingly.

Analysis

There is an obvious reason as to why I pointed out only the blantant grammatical errors. Because you intentionally noted that this story was in its early drafts, I will revise more indepth the grammatical aspect of this story; however, I wish only your consent because I do not wish to revise something for naught.

This is a rather bland beginning to a story. The plot possesses potential, but you must use it to your advantage; this chapter seems far too short and I believe you need to find your own voice in writing. Your style is very similiar to many other members on here, so I would suggest focusing on the development of that rather than focusing on writing a novel as you are doing.

This was a fair beginning, and I wish you all the best with it. It is your decision to heed my advice; it is your choice as to where you go with this.

Grading

PROSE SCORING
Story Plot: 7.0 / 10.0
Exposition: 7 / 10
Conflict: 8 / 10
Resolution: 6 / 10

Character: 7.0 / 10.0
Individuality: 7 / 10
Goal: 7 / 10
Dialogue: 7 / 10

Presentation: 6.4 / 10.0
Spelling: 7 / 10
Grammar: 6 / 10
Punctuation: 6 / 10

Miscellaneous: 4.7 / 10
Regularity: 5 / 10
Originality: 5 / 10
Enthusiasm: 4 / 10

Tilt: 5.0 / 10.0

Total Score: 6.4 FAIR
Last edited by Gannon on Tue Aug 08, 2006 9:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.
  





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Mon Aug 07, 2006 3:54 pm
Gannon says...



The Orange Pirates: Chapters 1&2
yoha_ahoy

Arrested

Evaluation

". . . to a speedy Warp Thirteen."
In the previous installment, you went by 'Warp 13'. I find that it makes little sense to change from 'Warp 13' to 'Warp Thirteen', so I would choose one and stick with it.

"'Didn’t you ever listen in intergalactic histories class?' Jason scolded. 'When the first intergalactic settlers moved from Earth, their first plan was to stop at Alpha Centauri. But it was gone. A mass of debris was all that was left, just as ESH and Kappa are now. I think we might be under attack by the same people… er, aliens, creatures… whatever attacked Alpha Centauri before.'"
You seem to attempt to give a history lesson, making the story more interesting. You don't exactly do a good job of this here; what I would do is get rid of 'intergalactic' in the first sentence; 'history class' is enough for this dialogue--it seems you go from casual to slightly over-proper, with the use of 'intergalactic' more than once.

Also, Jason scolding her doesn't seem correct--consider finding a better verb.

"It furthermore happened to be the closest planet to, the now gone, Kappa Centauri."
In this sentence, the first comma is irrelevant.

I believe you would want to insert a hyphen between 'now' and 'gone', creating 'now-gone'.

"It turned around and followed them, slowly following behind them until it sent a message to the cockpit telling them to stop. "
You describe this vessel following them, and then say the exact thing again after the comma; consider revising.

". . . but I will have to arrest you both once we dock, for speeding,” Ekkers said."
This just seems far too odd for me. Getting arrested for speeding? I would think that the technology would have excelled to be able to control these Warp Speeds and be able to avoid any accident. That is why there is laws; so no one is killed during transporation. It is highly unlikely to hit another ship with the vastness of the universe. You may, however, have the Captain charge them with a different crime, such as manually controlling the ship but lacking the lisence to do so.

"A small knock came from outside the cockpit. Armaria spun on her heel. Jason slowly turned the chair around. “Excuse me, ma’am,” a small child said."
A child being sent up? I would think that an adult would come up, instead. And I would also think that either character would inquire thus. So, this child may have been sent up because everyone else was elderly, but that is highly unlikely. Consider elaborating as to why certain situations occur.

"'We are not stealing a ship,' Jason cut to the chase."
This is an example of casual narrative, using 'cut to the chase'. Consider revising.

Analysis
In the previous chapter of this story of yours, you explained that there was an intergalactic war occuring. Therefore, I would assume that Armaria would think that the opposing side would have blown up the planet. Obviously, I am incorrect, because you make it perfectly clear that those who are in the transportation ship belong to a faction that is at war with no one. It seems that the narrative explains more than what Armaria actually knows. I'm not the most fond of it because you seem to be writing this story in the Third-Person Limited, where it is in Third Person, but you only focus on one character. Therefore, it would make sense to have the narrative be just as informed as Armaria; it provides certain freedoms from First Person, but as it denoted in the name, it also limits you.

Again, there was more spelling, grammatical and punctuation errors, but I did not point them out as the previous post explains.

Good luck with this story and I, again, wish you all the best for the upcoming installments and the story.

Grading

PROSE SCORING
Story Plot: 7.0 / 10.0
Exposition: 7 / 10
Conflict: 8 / 10
Resolution: 6 / 10

Character: 7.7 / 10.0
Individuality: 7 / 10
Goal: 8 / 10
Dialogue: 8 / 10

Presentation: 6.0 / 10.0
Spelling: 6 / 10
Grammar: 6 / 10
Punctuation: 6 / 10

Miscellaneous: 4.7 / 10
Regularity: 6 / 10
Originality: 5 / 10
Enthusiasm: 3 / 10

Tilt: 5.0 / 10.0

Total Score: 6.6 FAIR
Last edited by Gannon on Tue Aug 08, 2006 9:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Mon Aug 07, 2006 10:12 pm
yoha_ahoy says...



Thank you very much Gannon. I'm grateful that you took the time to go over this in such detail. I'm sure I'll learn a lot from this, and it will give me a great deal of help when I get the time to start editing. ^_^ Thanks again!
~Yoha
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