Young Writers Society

Chapter one
We entered the zoo, it was so beautiful the little ones were so excited they were jumping up and down we looked at the meerkats, tigers, lions, giraffes, monkeys and other animals we had lunch at 12:30. They were so hungry. At 1:10 we started to head of to the gift shop then we would go see the lions show. My phone started to ring it was a message from Mrs Bailey
Hope you guys are having fun
you see I look after Mrs Baileys ten kids there was Molly and Polly the twins, Benny , Ryan, Lilly and Billy and Milly the triplets, Robert, Rose, and the youngest was only 5 her name was Ally. I loved the kids I got a lot of money a week because I work as a doctor I try to spend time with the kids as much as I can. "Alex can you take me to the potty please?" I looked down at Ally "of course'' I turned to my friend Lauren or shadows as we nicknamed her "can you look after the others I'll be right back" Lauren and I loved little children Shadow usually saying gross things but when she's around kids shes all sweet and cuddly. I took Ally to the toilet, we came out a few minutes later we then we went and watched the lion show we left at 6:00 at night we reached shadows car. Her dog Jack in the back seat of the van, the reasons Shadows has a van is she uses it for work. We drove the kids home and got paid and we went back to our hotel. I sat at the end of my bed and took my boots off my feet were killing me. I turned on the TV and Shadow and me were watching I wasn't really listening in til I heard "so bar your doors and windows" Shadow and me looked at each others and leaned closer "they are slow and dumb, they also can't run, jump, climb or move things" Shadow and me jumped to our feet we knew what they were and we ran into the spare room we didn't use we opened two wardrobes there was guns, crossbows and hunting knives. Shadow and me had been working for the special force for five years but we dropped out after what happened in a small town in Europe with the how can I put this well they were mutants in a way. We layed our weapons on our beds and I picked up my mobile as it rang "hello this is Alex Morgan How may I help you?" the person on the other end as he talked I knew who it was "hey Alex how are you" I rolled my eyes even though he couldn't see me "am fie Matt" all I could hear was breathing "we need Shadow and your help" I sat on an armchair "we already now" he breathed a sigh of relief he said goodbye and hang up. Shadow had gone to the toilet. We went down stairs to the first floor. There was no one there. We raced into the kitchen and grabbed some canned, packets and other foods and then we went into the storage room be hide the counter, we grabbed thin blankets, torches, batteries, towels, pillows , blow up mattresses and other important things. We put them all into the mini van, we drove all the way to the edge of the city but they had already put a barricade up "Oh shit" Lauren and me got out of the mini van, people trying to get out of the city. But no luck then I saw her “Ally? Oh my god it is, come on Shadow” we reached Ally, she was crying her eyes out. She looked up and saw Lauren and me running towards her when we got to her she gave me a big hug and I picked her up in my arms “Ally where’s your parents and siblings?” we calmed her down before she would tell us anything “they just left me be hide” we gave her a big hugs we loved Ally like our little sister. We sat her in the van and Shadow sat with her I raced to the front there was special forces officers were lined up picking people to go though scanners to see if they were infected I noticed one of the officers “hey Ryan” I raced over to him. “Alex what are you doing here” I grabbed him and gave him a hug “I live here” he pointed to the back “Can you go to the back please I'd send you though now but you have to wait” I nodded and left. I went back to the van and slammed the car door “what’s wrong Alex” I hit the steering wheel “we have to found another way out” Shadow sat back against the chair “Great” I started the engine and looked back at Ally. She had fallen asleep we drove back off though the city. We stopped a little bit away from the middle of the city I got out and went a little further in all I could see was undead's walking around then someone grabbed me and covered my mouth so I couldn't talk or scream I looked up to see a man face he had shoulder length hair and hazel colored eyes “be silent and follow me” I followed him to the van and sat in the back with Ally. “Okay who are you” Shadow looked pissed. The men looked at Shadow then me “My name is Dimitri Walker I work for BIO” Shadow started yelling at the tops of her lungs at him “what?! That is the company that did all this” I then said in a whisper but loud for them to hear “just stop yelling you'll wake Ally up” Shadow then climbed into the back of the mini van and sat next to Ally. I then climbed to the front. He had turned on the engine on. He drove us down the road a little until a dog jumped in front of the car. It was Jack. “Jack get in here” I opened the car door for him to get in the van “you let a dog in the car with a kid” Jacked jumped up next to Ally and layed down next to her “yes I let a dog into the van.” We drove off towards the public zoo. We stopped out the back. “Come on” we got out. I picked up Ally I woke her up. Shadow picked up her blanket and bag that she had with her when we found her “Where are we Alex?” I put her down “were going to a safe place” I brushed some of her curly hair back that had fallen in front of her eyes.
It had been a long day, we walked into one of the animals cage the....Lion Cage... “there isn't any Lions in here right?” Dimitri turned around “no” he took us into a cave and into a really good looking place. I sat Ally on a nearby chair and went back out side and pulled out some of the guns and knives. I didn't notice him be hide me into he said something “what are you doing” I hit my head on the van roof and turned around to see what was his name oh yeah ass hole...Jokes....Dimitri was standing there “I was getting some things” he walked over and pushed me out of the way, okay I didn't realize that he was so cute and sexy. He grabbed everything out of the car that was in bags and took it into the cave I sat on a unfolded mattresses “your friend and the little girl can sleep in that part of the cave and you can sleep in this part of the cave with me... In different beds” I put Ally into bed after she had eaten and then I got dressed into a nightie that I had time to pack and after I sat on my bed “Alex can you past me that bandage” I looked up on a shelf and grabbed a bandage that I could see “why do you need one? Are you hurt?” he nodded “I cut myself with a sharp knife” I rolled my eyes “let me see it” he showed me the deep cut that ran down his arm “I need some alcohol” he picked up a bottle of vodka I poured it over the wound. He flinched just a little. I then wrapped the wound “ I'll fix it in the morning” I looked up in his eyes they were a hazel color and I realize that he was staring right at me as well. Was it love?
I got up early the next morning. Dimitri was still asleep I went and checked on the others. Shadow looked like she was going to fall out of bed, I looked at Ally she was so sweet and cute, I sat on a chair in the main entrance of the cave I then heard a neighing outside. I got up and walked outside to see what it was and standing outside the cave was a white horse.

I loved this story. Absolutely loved it! It was fantastic and I don't like to pull out tidbits that were wrong because I know, I don't like it but this is just wonderful and you should make another one thanks ya for posting!

~Neonwriter <3

Heya, wolf!

The first thing that stands out to me when I scan over your work is how huge your paragraphs are. xD Paragraphs like those are very hard for most people to read.

Every time you move on to a new scene in your story, you should generally start a new paragraph. For example:

Janice, Laura, and all their other friends decided to go to the movies. At seven o'clock, they all piled in Janice's van and drove to the local movie theater. After many minutes of arguing, the girls decided to watch a comedy film. Then they hurried inside and bought tickets and food. They loved the movie; they all found it hilarious!

When they got back to Janice's house at ten o'clock, the girls ordered a pizza and set up their sleeping bags all over Janice's living room. They spent the rest of the night eating pizza, talking, and laughing. At midnight, the girls started to get tired of gossiping and eating, and snuggled into their sleeping bags. In only a few minutes, they were all fast asleep.

The first paragraph, scene one, is about the girls' trip to the movies. The second paragraph, scene two, is only about their sleepover afterwards. Then, you could make a new paragraph talking about what happened when they woke up.

Every time a different person starts talking, you should generally start a new paragraph. Yay, time for another example:

"Guys! What do you think we should eat for dinner?" Janice called over the chitter-chatter of her friends.

"Um...how about Italian food?" Casey suggested. "We can get back in the van and drive over to that Italian place by the gas station."

"No!" Laura said. "I hate Italian food. Also, I don't want to go out again. How about we just order pizza?"

I hope I helped a bit!

-Kae

Okay, there is a lot wrong with this punctuation and grammar wise.

First off, to make it a lot easier on the eyes, I would recommend breaking that huge chunk into proper paragraphs. Paragraphs are absolutely necessary in literature because it separates main ideas and well, makes it look prettier. When breaking your piece into your paragraphs, you have to look at what parts are closely related, like actions or descriptions of things, and when the characters move. For every new dialogue piece, it should be a paragraph of its own. If you need more help, you can just PM me and I can go through it all for you, or you can try to read through this here and it will basically state what I told you but in more detail.

The next thing I want to talk to you about is your dialogue punctuation. Everyone gets this wrong. You have to use commas instead of periods at the end of dialogue if the next sentence is describing, who or how it was said. In fact, actually, your whole piece is missing all punctuation. Remember to end your sentences with periods, and use commas to separate ideas. This here will help you with dialogue punctuation and that is why you are lacking so much of it.

Just keep in mind with dialogue punctuation the above thing I told you. You do not have to follow that if you end it with an exclamation point or question mark. You need a lot of work on this, and I will go through your whole story if you want me too adding more and more punctuation.

The last thing, but one of the most important things is about your capitalization, or the matter of none at all. You have to capitalize in the beginning of sentences. You have to capitalize in the beginning of dialogue. You have to capitalize names and direct places. You only got the names I believed. All this grammar and punctuation took away from your piece and was awfully distracting. It could have been the best story in the world, but if not presented right, the ideas will be lost. You also had some spelling mistakes. All you really have to do is read through your story. Looking for all the separate components. Of course you won't pick up on everything, but that is what we are here for.

Otherwise, good work. Just learn your grammar and punctuation.

Okay,

Please break this up. Find suitable places to for paragraph breaks and push them in there. The task of reading this was made so daunting by the lack of punctuation, yet the writing itself wasn't bad. So do your writing ability justice and punctuate this, proof read it and you will be great.

I'm not going to do a line-by-line because you have already had some pretty good reviewers. I think one big issue is how many characters you introduce and how quickly you introduce them. By doing this it becomes difficult to make the reader really care for them because they won't get their fair weight of the story, not enough to really develop them as characters. I think your narrator has a unique voice to match her rather unique life, but you could still make her a little more quirky - how she speaks, how she acts, not just what she does as an occupation.

Anyway hope this helps on some small way. I look forward to rereading this when you have amended the little errors.

JP

Alright, so this story has some potential. I actually started to like the main characters and this Dimitri fellow is interesting. I have no clue about the white horse at the end??? The story line caught my attention as well. It seems that your world has a little bit of a zombie problem or something very near to that. It kind of reminded me of "I AM LEGEND" which isn't a bad thing but, now here comes the part I hate, there were a TON of grammar mistakes. I'm assuming this is just a rough draft, so I will be gentle and only point out the first few obvious errors and awkward sentences I spotted...

The red stands for changes I've made, the scratch outs are parts I think could be easily left out of the story.
Now, take into mind that this is the first review I've ever done involving nit picks so I might not get every thing right and I might have even missed a few errors in the parts I picked, but the little nicks and changes I made should help your story to flow a little better....

We entered the zoo, it was so beautiful, the little ones were so excited they were jumping up and down. We looked at the meerkats, tigers, lions, giraffes, monkeys and other animals. We had lunch at 12:30. They were so hungry. At 1:10 we started to head off to the gift shop, then we would go see the lions show. My phone started to ring, it was a message from Mrs Bailey.

You see, I look after Mrs Bailey's ten kids. There was Molly and Polly the twins, Benny , Ryan, Lilly and Billy and Milly the triplets, Robert, Rose, and the youngest was only 5, her name was Ally.

I loved the kids. Even though I already made got a lot of money a during the week because I work as a doctor, I tried to spend as much time with the kids time with the kids as much as I could.

I looked down at Ally "of course.'' I turned to my friend Lauren, or shadows, as we nicknamed her. "Can you look after the others? I'll be right back." Lauren and I loved little children, even though Shadow usually said gross things, but when she's around kids shes was all sweet and cuddly when she was around them.

I sat at the end of my bed and took my boots off. My feet were killing me.

Now, these are just a few of the mistakes I noticed, but at one point I just had to make my self relax and read your
story. Like I said before, this is just a rough draft, it needs work but in my opinion this could turn out to be a pretty awesome story.

Keep writing,

Justlittleoleme

thanks guys I'll try harder

I really like Light Turns To Dark. It is interesting and has a good plot, tough i have a couple of pointers.
1. Grammer! Work on you grammer for pete's sake! Grammer is one of the more important things in a story. There will be people who will rip your work up due to the frustration of you ability to use grammer.
2. Paragraphs. Your paragraphs are eithern too short or too long. The first was ridiculously long. It took up most of the chapter. Try work in ways to shorten it but not too much, like the last few.
It was a good story and I believe that you should continue on with it. Good luck and good writing to you.